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polyester charlywalker s blog charlywalker s blog april 13 2013 the hills are alive with the sound of blogging it s raining it s pouring my husband won t stop snoring he went to bed turned his head and i kicked him out this morning i know snoring is no laughing matter especially to the other person occupying the the right side of the bed who can t sleep due to the massive logs being sawed next to her more like a buzz saw emanating from those nostrils how does this rhythmic rhino sleep through his own band of breaths how does he manage to open the floodgates of an airway to bring in da funk bring in da nose relentlessly causing him to not breath right this is nothing to sneeze at the only semi cure to calm his turbulent turbinates is to roll him on his side so his schnoz is facing east if he is resistant to that change in venue and chooses to remain on his back pausing to inhale he will face the pillow of doom hovering over his face as he s waiting to exhale i tried that once it was a mere threat in jest ure my recidivist snore hog snog awoke to the scent of a woman who uses too much fru fru fabric softener in the laundry so he hurled a ginormous sneeze onto the pillow case were you holding a pillow over my face he asks eyes wide shut incrusted with sleep particles no darling you were dreaming she coos replacing the deformed microfoam to the head of the bed for her eyes only you were holding a pillow over my head thinking to smother me with down feathers he smirks with laughing eyes don t be batt y sweet heart that material contains too much airspace if i truly wanted to off you i d use the fiber filled decorative throw pillows everyone knows polyester doesn t breath so you were trying to kill me in my sleep he spills out trying to suppress laughter not exactly honey pie it was more like adding a muffler to your mouth piece you re snoring i don t snore he deniably stated looking through the eyes behind his head oh that s right how could you possibly hear yourself snore over the the clamor emitting from your palate as you lie there in your sleep number coma oblivious to the affect is has on your neighboring bed mate she beamed through her betty davis eyes that was the last time i tried the muffle effect my next approach was during a visit out west staying with relatives and i tried the extended arm prop to the back technique this enables your snog to remain on his side for the night quieting the rumbling gasps however it will leave you sleepless in seattle with an achy breaky arm in the morning one night i chose to use the retractable limb method once your snore victim snortims is on his side your arm repeatedly jumps out into action with the slightest inkling of him turning onto his back sometimes this method calls for two arms to be utilized as you are dealing with unconscious weight weight that has been tipping the scales of late night snacking there are repercussions when using this tactic especially if you work out at the gym three to four days a week as my husband once fell victim to the floor you pushed me out of bed he blew out after the thud landing no darling you were dreaming she winces eyes squinting in guilt you could have killed me he puffs out no sweetums the chili peppers you loaded onto your late night burrito will kill you thus the thud when you hit the carpet i was merely administering a minor love tap to your back helping the jalapeno s adjust she quips as her eyes search for a eurythmic s lyric would i lie to you hone y ok ok you were snoring i don t snore he freely denies again this lead me to my third and final modus operandi which is a full proof formula so easy a dog could master it this ritual not only works but will provide your slumbering snog the body of evidence that which he is being accused of disturbing the peace ful sleeping wife i video taped him i filmed him in all his snore glory i showed him my presentation after i jiggled him awake just try and deny the snoring now my little sweet apnea you filmed me sleeping he says as as his eyes roll to the heavens yes pumpkin now there is no confusion as to your snoring or not here you are in living color lying on your back breathing and expiring the snuffle shuffle through your nose to the tune of she drives me crazy so what do you have to say now mr i don t snore her eyes have it that s not me rolls over fade to black eye give up share this share share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading charlywalker 2 17 am filed under comedy dogs gym humor menopause and humor motherhood mayhem mutts menopause merlot mayhem humor life experience teens family husbands sarcasm airline satire comedy family teens children tagged aviation bring in da funk bring in da noise cars decorative throw pillows eurythmics eyes wide shut fabric softener massive logs pillow polyester sandman scent of a woman snoring 9 comments july 7 2012 so you think you can fly part 2 rule number two was written in bold type with massive underlining and italics curfew i thought i left this behind after graduating high school it made me wonder if all the new stews parents held a meeting with the airline presenting their list of wrongs i left my family back west purposely to break the confines of parental controls curfew try telling that to my empty stomach at 10 00 p m my tummy had jet lag and was still adjusting to the three hour time difference as east met west in my digestive organ miss midwest and i missed our dinner bell and the airline gestapo sent us straight to our room without dinner just like in junior high when your mother got mad just because you were sent home from st luke s catholic school for setting the goldfish free in the holy water during set up time for the church bazaar anyway as midwest and i sat in our double occupancy suite rifling through drawers for signs of pre packaged sustenance i noticed a pair of eyes peeking through the gape of our drapes covering our partially opened window i whispered to midwest that someone was outside our room she walked over and flapped the curtain open and standing like a deer in headlights was the bell hop from the villa s we stood there glaring at him as he squeezed his face partially through the window and spoke in broken english are chjew gurlz mucho hungree it was jorge pronounced hore hay the cuban bellboy that befriended a few stews at the villa s he was our only connection to the outside when forced into solitary confinement jorge knew everyone and everything about the villa s jorge was able to get you anyone and anything at anytime from the villa s we pleaded our gastronomic case and asked if he could fetch us some food he stated he could but we would have to accompany him miss midwest gave me the same look she gave as when i pulled her into the bentley earlier that day we had made the time constraint of the late night bed check but we still needed to cover ourselves should the airline gestapo happen to sleep walk we stuffed our beds with pillows and blankets to form an s shape resembling two laid out stews after shutting the light we proceeded to crawl out the window with the assistance of jorge who had a golf cart waiting behind a palm tree jorge ushered us into the cart and drove us to the villa s restaurant which is excluded to new stews and open to visiting vacationers the one thing about an airline school in the 70 s is most of the students are pegged the moment they arrive and are easily identified by staff and visitor s i was still in my miami white attire and jorge was dressed in his villa s employee uniform i asked jorge to loan me his tie and red jacket and walked through the staff entrance to the restaurant kitchen it was there i picked up a serving tray and started to slam salami and crudites onto a pile followed by a stash of french baguette the kitchen staff rambled something in cuban pointing and laughing as i paraded my silver tray through the aisles of leftovers i turned and popped them a smile and a gracia s and raced back to the golf cart where my cohorts in crime anxiously awaited miss midwest et all laughed up a storm as they saw me exit with a tray of delights wearing the bellboy s jacket and a black bow tie jorge let me drive back to our room and as i parlayed the cart in reverse and darted with full throttle in the dark i neglected to look behind me and rammed another cart that approached from the rear two well dressed suits stepped out of their golf cart and stood hovering above us ready to land their disgust with this minor accident incident both gentlemen cross examined miss midwest and i regarding our status at this hour of the night and are we employed by the airline i conceded and offered up our feeble excuse while slowly removing my rented costume and returning it to jorge the one suit who was missing his tie stepped closer into the light and leaned into our golf cart and spat out do you know who i am i am the v p of the airline that just hired you i was hoping at that time i was not going to crap my miami white polyester pants mr veep scolded us and threatened to have us returned to our homes it was then i realized i should have listened to my dad and applied to law school he always said i could argue my way out of going the wrong way on a one way street i pleaded with the pinstripes and begged forgiveness from the court ing of the idea of maybe just maybe a sentencing of no breakfast in the morning i ended with my closing statement describing the heartbreak and disappointment our parents will endure as a result of us being thrown out of stew school i sniffled a sentence or two referencing my stature as a temporary college misfit and winning the flight attendant lottery with your esteemed airline and how this is a child s dream come true to one day turn in my miami white polyester for the noble blue uniform of the wings of man then i eeked out the airlines rusty slogan in the key of e flat with hopes of my cohort butting in as a back up singer you gotta belieeeve in eastern the v p nearly peed his pants to suppress his laughter he took our names and numbers and ordered us back to our rooms he instructed jorge to drive us back safely miss midwest and i crawled back through our window and fell onto our beds hardly sleeping and thinking about our demise facing us in the morning it was 8 00 a m and the morning gestapo shift entered our room to announce that miss midwest and i were grounded for a week thus being responsible for the breaking of rule s 3 and 4 never miss class and never miss your familiarization flight it was then i started to study the tactic s of gandhi and missing a meal once in a while to prevent any uprisings plus how was i to know that having hotel staff loitering outside your window after 11 00p m was breaking rule 5 to be continued share this share share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr like loading charlywalker 11 31 pm filed under airplanes airplanes comedy eastern flight attendants flightattendants friends humor menopause and humor mutts menopause merlot mayhem humor life experience teens family husbands sarcasm airline satire satire comedy family teens children tagged church bazaar east met west golf golf cart miami midwest polyester restaurants the villa s time constraint transportation travel vacation white pants 8 comments email subscription enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email email address sign me up join 106 other subscribers the blog s down under backfield in motion blogger n hell one flew over the blog s nest a bunch of blog wash i m at a payphone trying to blog home charlywalker s blog tweets by ellcyd archives january 2014 1 november 2013 2 july 2013 1 may 2013 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