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Text of the page (random words):
much as i doubt you that you ask i am going to go ahead and fill you in since this is an overdue update here are the highlights since i those dark november days of last year private practice i am well and truly up and running in my own private practice in less than 10 months i have broken even started to be able to pay myself found several dream clients and filled my schedule day job i have negotiated the hours i wanted at my day job which lets me meet a huge range of people every day is different and their is virtually no paperwork perfect balance to my private caseload i moved into a dream flat with a view of the sea and skylights and a bathtub to soak in on the nights where the house is too cold to describe central heating is not really that common in new zealand think luxurious camping with space heaters published my first journal article in the premier academic journal of my field i don t mention it in public but i can here on my private little blog that has few readers due to a very slow plot line cycles that are years and years apart with consistently negative results isn t the normal 1 3 year page turner of a blog arc plus i am always doing my cycles in odd places that few people have access to health well so so but i have somehow lost weight without trying again i think because the constant stress and worry the verged on terror was not exactly conducive to anything except creating a layer of protective padding almost not drinking loving the lack of second hand smoke but missing many other things in europe what s next who knows i am talking to some parents who went down the international adoption path i have a donor lined up who might come to new zealand for a cycle if we can ever sort out our crazy international schedule between the lot of us i have 2 embryos in spain waiting for me at any moment i will i might well we ll see but at any moment action could happen and then we ll see i do know that each time i do any forward action even small ones like emailing a clinic to update our current address i am awash in complicated emotions but most days i am just living fertility is feeling like that craft project in the closet just waiting to be picked up but easily can be put off another week i know that i can t do that forever though at some point i have to get on with this or empty that closet to be continued posted in adoption decisions finding my way good days waiting tagged cycle 4 hrt updates 3 comments september 7 2014 by circlesbecomeme shadow self it has gone quiet and still and a bit dark in my soul these past weeks i feel invisible and i have done a good job of becoming invisible my mother skypes in and says how great i look and she is so glad i have landed on my feet i smile and nod they can t help right now so i let them assume things it isn t right but it is my path right now i text italy in the the middle of my night and in the middle of their day they hear my truth i wouldn t say i am depressed i wouldn t exactly call it anxiety but it definitely isn t thriving something broke in me these past years years of waiting and hoping and pouring all my momentum in daring to risk my heart again in daring to not give up i have great memories and photos of the past few years but i haven t been building anything either all those days i woke up and did a day of living well from the outside careers and parenting seem to be hard but day after day of effort leads to being able to stand back and say why look at that by gosh we seem to have somehow got from way over there to way over here and yes awful things can derail that children sadly die careers implode people acquire disabilities that make years of work honing a talent suddenly become make that talent so hard to weld but i am taking it slow i have put my fledging private practice on hold i am calling tomorrow to transfer out another chunk of money from my retirement account to buy me a few more weeks of living expenses and i am just sitting i do little things i promised myself i d donate blood after 2 women donated eggs to us first donation done i bought flowers for a little girl today whose pet died and held her while she was sad i touch base with my friends in that awful final push of a phd providing encouragement these things are enough to make these empty days have meaning i can t help but wander what my life would have been like if kids had come easy would that have forced me to make certain decisions by now would we be living in a house of our own would i have pushed harder to do what is needed to build a career livelihood for myself the reality is without kids i can coast for awhile its just numbers in the savings account and so i am still i am still with frequent glances to the side to the paths not taken and the largest one looming over me is the path that i would be on right now if the cycle had worked in january posted in finding my way 3 comments august 1 2014 by circlesbecomeme loses all around us tonight i treated myself to a nice friday night out great dinner great film and then in the pouring sideways rain i decided to take advantage of the cab sitting at the side of the road we get to talking about the weather i mention that its a bit of a hard change after italy he asks if i am from there i say no i grew up in america i ask him where he grew up he says iraq i never quite know what to say to a complete stranger when i know they know i am from america and i know his country is profoundly different because of my country s actions he repeats himself quietly with that tone of voice that suggests he wonders if i am too ignorant to know where that is i felt bad it wasn t that i didn t hear him i just didn t know what to say i said something like i am sorry for what has happened to your country and for the part in that my country did he replied its too late now he moved to nz 11 years ago he said 2003 two years after 9 11 i didn t dare ask about his family or anything else we only had 2 more minutes in the car ride i just was overwhelmed with this sense of loss i don t know if he lost anyone dear to him or if he lost many people i got the palatable sense of how much he felt the lose of his country i am an expat i don t know if i want to go home ever to live and when i visit i don t exactly fit in but i can go home if anything its stayed too much the same for my tastes in some ways i doubt that is true for him exile and expat are 2 very different things and perhaps he can go back but i have no illusions that he can go back to anything that looked like the iraq of his youth and i walked out of the cab so so very sad so at loss for words so frustrated that i couldn t have thought of anything kinder more honest better to say i just sat in stunned silence not knowing what to say or do this violence in our dear world and the violence that bubbles underneath the american culture is something i have no idea how to deal with and i don t mean how to stop it which i also have no clue about but i literally have no idea how to cope with its existence the 3 very public shootings when i was home this summer the wars my country backs and the ones it chooses to ignore the college hazing and the love of watching contact sports and i am not saying that it is just the usa but it is something i am so uneasy with tonight posted in finding my way 1 comment august 1 2014 by circlesbecomeme dates and goals so today i was sent some photos of where i used to live in italy just gorgeous my husband and joked that is we work hard perhaps we can save the money and go back next year for a visit i added that we could swing by spain and try to get knocked up he said write that down and put it on the wall but the reality is i have no clients yet which means no money yet and definitely no money on top of what i already invested into this business venture i should be polishing my website reviewing my list of calls to make tomorrow any number of things but no i am doing none of those things i am doing the maths i am realizing that if the first cycle would have taken our child would have started school last month he or she would have been 5 if the second had worked i would be at 30 weeks and counting down to october if the third had worked i would be at 18 weeks and counting down for a new years baby instead i am just counting so very much alone with no job a husband on the other side of the world and a bus card that just ran out of money and a long night ahead of me sitting with this at least when i called the fertility clinic up the nurse remember me i literally only was there 3 4 times back in 2008 so there you go i am world famous in nz in the clinic she even remember what i did for a living so there is that posted in de 2 de cycle 1 waiting tagged dates 1 comment july 9 2014 by circlesbecomeme old stomping grounds i have met up with a dear old friend from my study abroad days she is 100 mum now and the most delightful type we stay up late talking about everything and anything over wine during the days its all playing with her delightful son helping with playdates trying new ideas out to help him communicate his wonderful ideas and insights inventing ideas on the fly to help smooth out the tearful moments i find myself talking about this blog in real life now i mention my anonymous blog i also talk about the de stuff a lot more and it just comes up more i asked a dad at a playdate what he did engineering now working on tech to help embryologists do various repetitive procedures just dove in to ask what he knew about how much the skill of the embryologist changes outcomes etc the way people might talk about cars or something just another adult things like mortgages people think about and discuss regardless if you have personally signed up for it another friend from years back that i mostly know from a social dance scene also was talking about lots of adult things housing market tax advisers economies expat visa drams you know my normal chat over wine lately and when i told him about how i opted to invest so much of my savings into the de thing he just was so lovely just spot on it was a sincere i m so sorry with absolutely no pity but more than anything i am realizing that i am in a new place i am getting so many compliments about how handy i am to have around kids my mom dad friends love having me come stay they call it a vacation to have me as a house guest the kids love me so much this used to be a bit salty why would the gods keep me from mothering when clearly this is what i am born to do but maybe it isn t in the cards maybe my destining is to do this really well in short bursts and help the exhausted sleep deprived day in day out drained parents of the world get their spark back and it has been nice hearing my friends who are on the property ladder and looking like they are in much healthy financial situations that i am for the moment state the obvious but clare what would you regret more not having tried to have kids exactly i have tried and i am still going to try a bit more one last push to save up and go again i have two embryos waiting me in spain and a friend who can come down to nz i have to do a bunch more tests to make sure that the 3 de cycles weren t taking because of something in me i have to sign back up for the adoption track too and more than anything i need to build my professional life back up so i have livelihood again to sustain me now and hopefully a much bigger us i have spent a week helping a little 3 year old learn to wait i can apply those skills to me as well i think the trick of waiting is the same for him as it is for me to make sure everything is in place and then find some mindful way to pass the time so you aren t killing time but living it and moving forward posted in finding my way 1 comment june 21 2014 by circlesbecomeme perceptions today i felt flat i didn t get much done gave up and watched movies in bed all day later i got brave and went upstairs to join my upstairs neighbours for dinner i was in a funk and trying to round up someone to drag me to town for dancing or a drink or a slice of cake anything really and then the neighbour who was cooking randomly said clare you are just so positive i love that about having you around which was literally so far away from what i was feeling i was feeling incredibly down and negative and lost i was fretting that my mood was bringing other down i was concerned that i was inviting myself over way too much particularly if i was not in high spirits his words meant so much to me i shared my truth that him saying that meant a lot because i have actually been feeling rather down and was worried that i had been infecting others with my mood he responded well then you fake it well that single exchange gave me the courage to just spend the rest of the evening with them i helped their oldest with science fair i read with the younger i played piano for nearly an hour which is grand for me but i suspect the parents also don t mind in the sense of oh good someone is modelling practising piano for our daughters and this person also sometimes says things like drat and oh bother and even occasionally swears and then keeps going or maybe not but i play reasonably well nowadays and the girls more than half the time immediately start playing when i finish and there are much more offensive behaviours than playing the piano as a neighbour house guest it wasn t going out or making new friends but it was my speed and i felt useful and in community then i saw that mel over at stirrup queens had included me in the round up i swelled with even more of that wonderful feeling i call being in community thank you all and thank goodness for words that have the power to reverse my personal doubts posted in finding my way tagged community joy other people s kids 1 comment june 15 2014 by circlesbecomeme home again this week i have been transported from two place i call home and was surrounded by love a better send off couldn t be possible family played scrabble with me until my first flight in the usa friends took time off work to spend an entire layover day at the beach near sfo who knew that the beach was only 15 minutes from the airport in the hours of chatting briefly the topic of egg donors came up she is still very willing i repeated that if we do this i would want to lean on her to be a mentor regarding race it was simple just two people repeating that what we talked about a couple years ago is still on the table this could happen well maybe next year once i recover a bit financially from a life of wishful thinking of living without work in europe so i could do treatments i wouldn t change it it was a great year in many respects i made peace with italy in my own way i made huge strides towards being even more at peace with my inability to conceive friends picked me up in new zealand including a young friend who i gave a stuffed animal too 4 years ago when she was little i asked her to mind it for me until i got back she ...