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description=1 post published by circlesbecomeme during September 2014;

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september 2014 my scar smiles at me i don t always smile back my scar smiles at me i don t always smile back menu skip to content home about blogs that draw me back and back again favorite posts timeline month september 2014 september 7 2014 by circlesbecomeme shadow self it has gone quiet and still and a bit dark in my soul these past weeks i feel invisible and i have done a good job of becoming invisible my mother skypes in and says how great i look and she is so glad i have landed on my feet i smile and nod they can t help right now so i let them assume things it isn t right but it is my path right now i text italy in the the middle of my night and in the middle of their day they hear my truth i wouldn t say i am depressed i wouldn t exactly call it anxiety but it definitely isn t thriving something broke in me these past years years of waiting and hoping and pouring all my momentum in daring to risk my heart again in daring to not give up i have great memories and photos of the past few years but i haven t been building anything either all those days i woke up and did a day of living well from the outside careers and parenting seem to be hard but day after day of effort leads to being able to stand back and say why look at that by gosh we seem to have somehow got from way over there to way over here and yes awful things can derail that children sadly die careers implode people acquire disabilities that make years of work honing a talent suddenly become make that talent so hard to weld but i am taking it slow i have put my fledging private practice on hold i am calling tomorrow to transfer out another chunk of money from my retirement account to buy me a few more weeks of living expenses and i am just sitting i do little things i promised myself i d donate blood after 2 women donated eggs to us first donation done i bought flowers for a little girl today whose pet died and held her while she was sad i touch base with my friends in that awful final push of a phd providing encouragement these things are enough to make these empty days have meaning i can t help but wander what my life would have been like if kids had come easy would that have forced me to make certain decisions by now would we be living in a house of our own would i have pushed harder to do what is needed to build a career livelihood for myself the reality is without kids i can coast for awhile its just numbers in the savings account and so i am still i am still with frequent glances to the side to the paths not taken and the largest one looming over me is the path that i would be on right now if the cycle had worked in january posted in finding my way 3 comments archives december 2015 july 2015 september 2014 august 2014 july 2014 june 2014 may 2014 april 2014 march 2014 february 2014 january 2014 december 2013 november 2013 october 2013 june 2013 march 2013 january 2013 december 2012 november 2012 october 2012 september 2012 august 2012 june 2012 may 2012 april 2012 march 2012 february 2012 january 2012 december 2011 october 2011 september 2011 june 2011 may 2011 november 2010 august 2010 july 2010 may 2010 april 2010 march 2010 february 2010 january 2010 december 2009 november 2009 october 2009 september 2009 august 2009 july 2009 june 2009 may 2009 april 2009 march 2009 february 2009 january 2009 december 2008 november 2008 october 2008 september 2008 august 2008 july 2008 june 2008 may 2008 april 2008 march 2008 february 2008 january 2008 september 2014 s m t w t f s 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 aug jul 12 in 12 2012 age anxiety bad day bad days bcp beta blogging celebrations clinics color community contrasts cycle 1 cycle 2 cycle 3 de decision making dogs donor egg donor eggs dreaming of sleep dreams encouragement family finding my way flowers friends goals good days gratitude grief hard days healing health holidays home hope hrt illness italy joy loss marking time music negative new beginnings nz old times sake one project project other people s kids photos piano piano questions reflecting relatives remembering resolutions rowing sad days sharing shifting perspectives show tell show and tell silence spain support the good side photos thesis try 2 updates where is home words worry blog at wordpress com subscribe subscribed my scar smiles at me i don t always smile back sign me up have a wordpress com account log in now privacy my scar smiles at me i don t always smile back view site in reader manage subscriptions sign up log in report this content collapse this bar design a site like this with wordpress com get started