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Text of the page (random words):
t draw me back and back again favorite posts timeline grief may 29 2014 by circlesbecomeme a month out a few days ago i met up with a friend who is in the throws of grief she has been blogging about the experience of living after her two elementary school daughters went to heaven when i stopped by she hugged me like i ve never been hugged before we talked like waterfalls of truth crashing into each other technically the transcript was of catching up so you have left italy oh so you are doing a fundraiser oh so how is your puppy how s work mother s day was so hard yes me to for different reasons but every single moment was this intense raw truth our hearts were both open and the intensity of our lives was right there cracking through the surface there was none of the posturing and emptiness of small talk she said something that stuck with me clare a friend just told me that i am grieving publicly and that doing so in the current world is a rare rare thing it is indeed i get privacy and we all grieve in our own way but i think it somehow is a good thing like fresh air to have someone saying to their community this is my truth this is what i am going through this is how you help and how you make it accidentally harder here is where the joy and goodness lies in my unbelievably hard days i am not strong nor amazing i am just finding my way through some incredibly hard days sit with me she is making some people uncomfortable she is meeting with her daughters classes there is some um variety in how well this is being received from totally embraced to tolerated with great reluctance some school staff feels like it crosses into religion in school but i remember when a fellow schoolmate went home sick and died of an aneurysm we were both terrified that it was going to happen to us and rather confused about how to process this sudden person sized hole in our community no one really told us about dealing with loss as a process no one talked about how there are things you can actively do and other things you have to just passively let happen no one taught us how to support the others who felt that gap more deeply like her brothers my friend is having her daughters friends and classmates make love rocks by attaching fabric hearts to rocks and the giving them to people as an act of love and passing on rocks you receive to others oh how i wish when i was a kid that someone would have answered our questions and modelled different ways of grieving and whatever the verb is for supporting people who are grieving my home town is like a community wide easter egg hunt now love rocks are being found in grocery stores on doorsteps in mailboxes on gravestone markers and being handed to each other face to face i asked a dear friend what her son in the icu wanted he wanted rocks to pass out to the nurses he wasn t yet well enough to smile for his parents but the smallest glimmer appeared at the corner of his mouth when he handed over a rock to his nurse but i also had another realization my friend was saying how rare grieving in public currently is but i realize for the past 8 years i have been grieving and witnesses and trying to support people in this little community of people touched by infertility we have grieved together this is our normal many of us are hardly public about it in real life but i feel like through your words i have learned so much about this process how the months blend into years how words can sooth how silently being present makes a difference how we all get through this somehow because of all of your stories i am no longer afraid of the grief it doesn t have the power to terrify me yes it sweeps me under some days it made me apart for some months it probably has made me physically at times and certainly contributed to me dropping a few balls at work and at home i wouldn t wish it on anyone but i am not afraid of it either no doubt this journey has pierced me to the core but i know this thing called grief so much better from having seen it up close and far away from so many angles and through so many view points so thank you i truly believe our little community here has also helped me to be able to stand in the face of enormous grief in others and see the worry on the faces and in the hearts of friends and community member without flinching without trying to fix it without trying to make it go away i couldn t have done that 10 years ago but after watching everyone here share our stories for so many years i can stand on my friends porch and listen to anything she wants to say her truth can not scare me because i know she and i and so many of my friends will walk similar roads we will hurt but we will be okay we are not strong or amazing or worthy of i just don t know how you do it i could never endure that we were those things before and after and of course during for me i find the awe and strength when i see people stand up and being present for each other when they are being asked by circumstance to endure heartache thank you for helping me becoming able to do that and thank you all for helping me on this journey these past 7 years posted in finding my way tagged gratitude grief joy reflection 3 comments january 24 2014 by circlesbecomeme bidding my time so nearly half of the wait done received and opened my christmas package from home paid all the credit cards used last friday played some guitar taught lots of english lessons watched so so so much tv the first week flew by being in barcelona helped a lot then i had a couple days of doing tons of things on a research collaboration i am starting and oh yeah i registered a private practice company whatever happens in 3 4 months i am going to be working for myself but in the mean time i wait some moments go by quickly mostly them go by slowly this week also marks the 16th anniversary of a dear high school friend s death actually he was my super amazing boyfriend my senior year but we had gone our separate ways when we started college normally this is such a hard week for me it takes me right back to university days to how lonely and overwhelmed i was how hard my first taste of real grief was how truly awful some people s responses were but mostly how painful it was to have no response or be told that i couldn t miss class for the funeral that i was dragging things out too much or that he was only a friend this year it is different i have the cycle buoying me up i also will find out the results just around the date of my late friend s birthday another day that has always weighed heavily on me this year it will either be a moment of joy or another sadness to piggyback on an already sad ish wistful day posted in finding my way tagged cycle 2 grief hope spain waiting 1 comment january 22 2013 by circlesbecomeme a whole extra year i was looking back at old posts today has it really been a year that we thought our family dog was dying we got an extra year it was a gift really even if there was definitely physical pain on the dog s side of thing it also was a relief when i read the email that she was gone i have known for a year that that call would be coming i had already been crying all afternoon with the tears that come from the overstressed when they are no longer coping with much of anything i feel like a 2 year old who needs a nap needs a reboot and then the email there was a sort of relief to have something real to cry about and then i remembered this post about the last time my body started crying long before i could think of a reason to i wonder if sometimes you just sense the crash coming before bracing for it and when it finally arrives your body relaxes into the tears and the worry is washed away loss is left but in this case it is a good loss that comes after years of goodness you are so grateful to have had or maybe crying is more fun than thesis writing joking aside i think after this weird sabbatical from life that is this phd in italy it just feels good to be connected physically connected even if that connection to your body is through body wrecking sobs to what deep down feels like real life then last night i went out and had gelato on the steps of san lorenzo church to the right of one of the saddest lion statues imaginable and laughed and laughed with 2 very lovely expat friends that too felt real and physical and definitely outside of this academic head space that is doing me in i think i just will always be a crier but i also am a belly laugh er too posted in finding my way tagged grief leave a comment february 11 2012 by circlesbecomeme a blip of goodness today was one of those days days where you cry at your desk but today the tear jerking topics were mostly computer related let me tell you working in an open plan office where your husband happens to be the it and tech support person can be a tale of woe and frustration on all sides you just won t say the things he said to me if you weren t married to the co worker at least i hope not anyway but this week i am trying to focus on moments of gratitude i had two 1 the my husband and i know enough when a wad of going out cash is better than any therapy conversation re hashing of the day he goes out with our work mates i stay home and decompress and reboot because lord knows everything we were saying was just making things spiral out of control for no reason i am almost looking forward to his return now another 30 minutes or so and i ll be back to normal 2 a particular fb like seriously the whole fb like thing is normally semi fraught to me how do you like a post ofr being so well worded but about a sad thing or what about liking something big that normally would be worth a few words anyway normally i never post about fertility or any of this on fb in personal conversations i stand up i tell stories from the other side when people make ignorant or as they say here maleducati comments in the sense of a non judgmental ignorance lack of knowledge i try to tell stories that help illustrate the complexities i don t always know how to do this in a good way but often silence feels worth but on fb that is one of the lines i don t cross but today i wrote this if you have ever wondered why more people don t just adopt here is a great post telling one family s story of just how complex expensive and difficult adoption can be dive deeper and the stories from first mothers fathers siblings families navigating open adoption etc will add layers of complexities to one s understanding of adoption and suddenly the word just becomes out of place with regard to adoption with a link to jjiraffe s post in her ali series on adoption and a person from my dorm life pressed like she has just had her 2nd child she has had hard things in her life fleeing hate violence in her home country and landing in the middle of farm country in the midwest at the age of 14 probably wasn t the easiest 24 hour life changing event she is sharp bright and always seems to have her life together while also making up her own rules i was flooded with such a warm feeling from seeing that little 1 at the top of facebook then there came another one a distance acquaintance from high school the type of fb friend where you have to think hard about who they are until you see their smile that you remember so clearly from high school because they now use the full version of their first name instead of the nickname version and they have taken their husband s name a person they met long after you last knew them she too has kids in close succession it seems and for once fb felt like happy place for little ol me with my years and years of no kids of course people must have wondered i ve been with my husband since i was 18 people know i am a kid person i am a freaking pediatric speech therapist who in recent years has started volunteering to chaperon high school overseas trips and whose idea of a great summer adventure is working at summer camp with kids with autism seriously it is aweseome i am pretty sure none of my friends think that i don t want to be a parent silly me of course people s wondering about why we don t have kids has probably turned into worrying about us but these people who pressed liked the fact is that these people really don t know me well enough to bring up the topic or mention it we are distant friends at this stage today i realized that by putting up this little post i was doing more than my original intention all i was wanting to do was raise a wee bit of awareness i realize now that what i also gave is an opening to my friends to say in a quiet way i am thinking of you clare i support you and i wish you all the best for those who have told me to just adopt it is also turning into a quiet way to say oops sorry about that and i know just how nice that token gesture that nod to a hard topic can be because tonight i also got an email from a friend who s dad died suddenly a few months ago she included a line in her email acknowledging the grief she is feeling it was just the right crack in the door that let me easily write back all the words and love i ve been wanting to give her yes i should have been reaching out to her before but why is it that is hard to do that until the one dealing with something gives you a little nod do you wait for people to support you and reach out to you or do you find ways to give others that little nod that says now is an okay time to talk about it if you want when should we wait to acknowledge loss and struggle and when should we volunteer unprompted our sympathies to people we are not particularly close to posted in grief joy tagged gratitude grief joy sharing leave a comment archives december 2015 july 2015 september 2014 august 2014 july 2014 june 2014 may 2014 april 2014 march 2014 february 2014 january 2014 december 2013 november 2013 october 2013 june 2013 march 2013 january 2013 december 2012 november 2012 october 2012 september 2012 august 2012 june 2012 may 2012 april 2012 march 2012 february 2012 january 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other people s kids...