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hope my scar smiles at me i don t always smile back my scar smiles at me i don t always smile back menu skip to content home about blogs that draw me back and back again favorite posts timeline hope january 24 2014 by circlesbecomeme bidding my time so nearly half of the wait done received and opened my christmas package from home paid all the credit cards used last friday played some guitar taught lots of english lessons watched so so so much tv the first week flew by being in barcelona helped a lot then i had a couple days of doing tons of things on a research collaboration i am starting and oh yeah i registered a private practice company whatever happens in 3 4 months i am going to be working for myself but in the mean time i wait some moments go by quickly mostly them go by slowly this week also marks the 16th anniversary of a dear high school friend s death actually he was my super amazing boyfriend my senior year but we had gone our separate ways when we started college normally this is such a hard week for me it takes me right back to university days to how lonely and overwhelmed i was how hard my first taste of real grief was how truly awful some people s responses were but mostly how painful it was to have no response or be told that i couldn t miss class for the funeral that i was dragging things out too much or that he was only a friend this year it is different i have the cycle buoying me up i also will find out the results just around the date of my late friend s birthday another day that has always weighed heavily on me this year it will either be a moment of joy or another sadness to piggyback on an already sad ish wistful day posted in finding my way tagged cycle 2 grief hope spain waiting 1 comment january 15 2014 by circlesbecomeme and its a go got the call this morning eggs are retrieved and the transfer will be friday flight is booked accommodation is being sorted from genoa to barcelona via pisa and turin here we come this slideshow requires javascript there have been all sorts of happy joy joy messages and phone calls i am loving having people to share this with but so far the best was m with her lovely message thinking of you two and the little egg that could and can and will i am bouncing with excitement it is so unreal that i am living here looking out on steel gray skies and will be in barcelona in a couple days i also am really aware that there is a woman somewhere in barcelona who is now recovering from doing this thing for me i know my friend who donated for my first cycle 5 years was really sore on the egg retrieval day i can t help but wonder what this unknown woman is feeling today i feel a real desire to somehow pay this forward no matter what happens i certainly can t do much to help other conceive but i have promised myself to pass it forward in whatever way i can at the moment i think that will take the form of me making a commitment to actually schedule go and give blood on a regular basis its a little thing but little things add up and i certainly wanting to be contributing to that sum posted in finding my way tagged cycle 2 hope joy spain leave a comment august 26 2010 by circlesbecomeme hope today i wrote a friend that i love to play with the fire of hope it keeps me warm and happy except when it burns me this week i have been obsessed with family creation and the woe of infertility in italy my life is a flashback to college days with better hours food and drinks everyone is young and no one is talking about kids people are surprised i am married so young at 31 and no one in my circle of friends are talking about having kids they are still working on moving out from their parents houses or getting their partners spouses boyfriends to be living in working in the same city as they are but the past 3 weeks i have been traveling through the usa with other people s teenagers whom i ve come to really enjoy yes i laugh at um with them a lot but they warm my heart i also am meeting up with old high school friends and their kids and these perfect manifestations of so many of my dreams until i get to the second cup of tea with them and hear all that is below the brave face they are putting forth i face menopause with my brave face but they are doing the same with marriage troubles sick kids lay offs cancer scares etc people are maxed out here i am worried about making a great life for myself but my friends are just trying to survive in some cases put things into perspective and then two more friends pulled me aside to say that they thought about it but won t donate after all for very valid reasons one just had her second miscarriage and worries that she isn t a good choice the other decided that if she was in my situation she wouldn t do donor eggs herself and feels strange doing it for me again if you have reservations better now than later but it brought up a lot of old emotions then flash forward to today when i receive an email out of the blue from my clinic back in nz it was a simple note asking if i still wanted to be on the donor list and if i could be available for treatment and appointments i ve been on it for nearly 3 years my one and only cycle with a friend was in late 2008 i haven t heard once from the clinic checking if i was interested in staying on the list i can t imagine that their policy is to only check every 2 years and so hope bubbles forth with the question do they have a potential donor for us posted in finding my way tagged hope try 2 1 comment archives december 2015 july 2015 september 2014 august 2014 july 2014 june 2014 may 2014 april 2014 march 2014 february 2014 january 2014 december 2013 november 2013 october 2013 june 2013 march 2013 january 2013 december 2012 november 2012 october 2012 september 2012 august 2012 june 2012 may 2012 april 2012 march 2012 february 2012 january 2012 december 2011 october 2011 september 2011 june 2011 may 2011 november 2010 august 2010 july 2010 may 2010 april 2010 march 2010 february 2010 january 2010 december 2009 november 2009 october 2009 september 2009 august 2009 july 2009 june 2009 may 2009 april 2009 march 2009 february 2009 january 2009 december 2008 november 2008 october 2008 september 2008 august 2008 july 2008 june 2008 may 2008 april 2008 march 2008 february 2008 january 2008 june 2026 s m t w t f s 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 dec 12 in 12 2012 age anxiety bad day bad days bcp beta blogging celebrations clinics color community contrasts cycle 1 cycle 2 cycle 3 de decision making dogs donor egg donor eggs dreaming of sleep dreams encouragement family finding my way flowers friends goals good days gratitude grief hard days healing health holidays home hope hrt illness italy joy loss marking time music negative new beginnings nz old times sake one project project other people s kids photos piano piano questions reflecting relatives remembering resolutions rowing sad days sharing shifting perspectives show tell show and tell silence spain support the good side photos thesis try 2 updates where is home words worry create a free website or blog at wordpress com subscribe subscribed my scar smiles at me i don t always smile back sign me up already have a wordpress com account log in now privacy my scar smiles at me i don t always smile back subscribe subscribed sign up log in report this content view site in reader manage subscriptions collapse this bar design a site like this with wordpress com get started