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t like crazy and if it doesn t well we ll deal with that too husbands are great but my husband is only one person the circle of friends holding me tight right now amplifies my sense of hope and my courage that should this not work i will be okay they will hold me through it all posted in finding my way tagged joy spain support leave a comment january 16 2014 by circlesbecomeme embryo report my student is a no show the clinic called during the one hour i said i wasn t available perhaps they are coordinating here are the numbers 6 fertilized 5 are okay it is a sunny cold winter day i am happy posted in finding my way tagged cycle 2 numbers spain 1 comment january 15 2014 by circlesbecomeme and its a go got the call this morning eggs are retrieved and the transfer will be friday flight is booked accommodation is being sorted from genoa to barcelona via pisa and turin here we come this slideshow requires javascript there have been all sorts of happy joy joy messages and phone calls i am loving having people to share this with but so far the best was m with her lovely message thinking of you two and the little egg that could and can and will i am bouncing with excitement it is so unreal that i am living here looking out on steel gray skies and will be in barcelona in a couple days i also am really aware that there is a woman somewhere in barcelona who is now recovering from doing this thing for me i know my friend who donated for my first cycle 5 years was really sore on the egg retrieval day i can t help but wonder what this unknown woman is feeling today i feel a real desire to somehow pay this forward no matter what happens i certainly can t do much to help other conceive but i have promised myself to pass it forward in whatever way i can at the moment i think that will take the form of me making a commitment to actually schedule go and give blood on a regular basis its a little thing but little things add up and i certainly wanting to be contributing to that sum posted in finding my way tagged cycle 2 hope joy spain leave a comment january 14 2014 by circlesbecomeme one step at a time today was the scan to check my lining i felt so supported my dear friend s came over for dinner and asked just the right amount of questions she walked me to my italian friend m s house m then walked me to her ob s office it is amazingly easy to wait in a tiny room with unmarked doors when you friend can recognize the doctor s voice through the wall and reassure you that you are in the right place hearing said doctor argue loudly into her phone in a language you don t understand is also downright hilarious when your friend can translate for you otherwise i think i would have been terrified oh they are fighting she is mad mad at her mom normal clare italian mother troubles no wait not the mom she is made at her husband oh boy very mad aiya they have a son uh oh he s hurt oh no the emergency room oh wait sounds like he is ok but the dad did something wrong oh my no word for that and then the standard ciao ciao ciao ciao ciao ciao ciao the door opened a very pleasant professional looking warm friendly and calm doctor greeted me quick scan i was so impressed by the entire interaction how this woman could shift gears so quickly i don t know but i was impressed 20 euro later yes i am not joking i walked out with a print out of the scans and a hand written report stating that my lining looks great and i responded to the estrogen very well and as soon as that door shut the phone conversation recommenced loudly my friend and i giggled all the way home posted in finding my way tagged doctors humor italy scans spain leave a comment january 11 2014 by circlesbecomeme chilling this cycle is notably different from the last one my attitude is much more flippant in my head i have a kiwi accent mumbling yeah nah i can give it a go i am different i know i will be fine if it fails i always was going to be fine but i know it now i have lived it this italian adventure has been hard on me in ways i can t even remember my accidental phd in italy has shown me that i can live and now thrive in a world i never would have chose the process is different i change my estrogen patches ever 3 days folic acid at night all the important information is in english with some hillarious typos that bring some humor to reading over it the drug pamphlets are in italian so i don t bother reading them and avoid needless freaking out and the clinic visits represent vacations to barcelona not something stressful to sneak into the day if it doesn t work i still have a very expensive trip full of memories good food and on the first visit great drinks the waiting is different i spent 4 days in rome visiting italian friends and one of my dearest mates from rowing days in new zealand i have lunch with friends i provide support to my friends here adjusting to the early days of being a parent i write and think walk and explore and sleep in every single day and my stress levels are really different i am not working i am doing 5 25 000 steps a day of walking i have human interactions all day with shop keepers i never drive and can barely remember those steering wheel clutching moments of fear stress or simple worry of being late my community is different too last time i had amazing support here thank you i will treasure that gift from strangers my entire life and it has changed my understanding of how to comment and support far away friends going through crisis now but this time lots of real life people know my parents are super excited lighting candles and asking me about how i am feeling my husbands siblings and wives know we have told many good friends here which means i can call someone and share news and the little steps and not worry about not drinking in front of them i can wonder aloud if something might be a symptom of the estrogen or just me being crazy it makes it lighter it makes it a real exercise in trying to make a dream come true and not some pretend shadow adventure and it has allowed people to volunteer useful information like oh my mom is a gynecologist here in italy if you have any questions and one friend to offer to come to barcelona for a weekend trip after the transfer so we can just hang out and have some fun and with all this i can let things go like the fact that on my last call with the clinic the kind lady closed with okay now sounds good we ll hear from you after your scan on the 13th wtf this was the first i had heard the exact date only two days to organize this in italy when i don t have a set doctor helping me here but no worries i called a friend here she called her ob within 5 minutes and with only 2 days notice in italy we are all set we are off on monday for my scan together i will have her baby to entertain me in the waiting room and her bilingual skills if the doctor talks too fast i am not alone and together we got this posted in finding my way tagged calm community de differences spain leave a comment january 1 2014 by circlesbecomeme and so it begins tonight we rang in the new years in a small fishing village a bus ride away from our italian city the city has long ago sprawled out to around and past this little beach community it is the type of place where the waves can crash dramatically during storms neighbors will come up at 3 am and move all the boats by hand out of harms way for 4 hours in the middle of the night even on christmas eve tonight it was calm the water is crystal clear christmas lights are still hanging and a bonfire is burning on the beach for anyone to enjoy we eat italian style which for an event like this is plastic table clothes plastic plates carefully separated and stacked askew great wine chilling outside on the sidewalk and mountains of food all is joy unless you don t eat then mild horror crosses people s faces i appropriate ate very little today in preparation for the feast it will be my last night for alcohol for awhile and i thoroughly enjoyed the top notch prosecco tonight earlier in the night i had become mildly annoyed that my husband seems to have missed the detail that tomorrow i start the estrogen patches which to me marks the start of the cycle he remembers that the clinic called me and me clearly dates he remembers me making the 50 deposit yesterday and went with me to pick up the drugs at the pharmacy but somehow he missed that a start date was confirmed and that that date was tomorrow i am not sure if i was annoyed at myself for being sloppy about confirming that he had actually heard all the details or at him for not paying attention but either way he melted my heart and all was forgiven as midnight struck here in italy as he leaned in for a new year s kiss he simply said and so it begins with a twinkle in his eye and such love in his voice whatever the outcome i am letting myself fully dream this time i am not over thinking things nor researching the details to death i did my due diligence and now let s see what the professionals can do posted in finding my way tagged cycle 2 de spain 2 comments december 21 2013 by circlesbecomeme pronto a few months ago i was doing the academic conference thing listen to boring talks interspersed with some mega inspiration then go out drinking dancing and eating with quasi strangers around 2 am on one such night a machine learning expert caught my eye we had last seen each other at a conference 2 years prior he has a voice that is easy to understand over pounding music and a mind that remains focused on interesting topics even when addled with booze we were drinking with a group of phd students who had won best paper awards and were celebrating their 1000 euro prize money by buying us a few rounds i didn t have a normal college experience my phd was me making up for lost time his wife had just gone into labor early and he was scheduled on the next flight out at 7 am so he was partying to make up for the next few months years to come anyway at one point said drunk academic leader said something that came out a bit like if you want kids don t wait and i drunkenly said something about how for some it is a bit complicated and involves studying up on the different medical rules and regs and laws in each country he raised his eyebrow i pointed to myself and mouthed the word menopause he leaped up and said me too i laughed pretty hard at that and he clarified no i mean my wife we used donor eggs and i said me too and we did a little high five welcome to the club thing and then had another beer so flash forward to this week i was meeting him at his university to have a chat about possible collaborations with his group as one does and then we all piled in a cab to go grab lunch and my phone started ringing i swipe ignore it rings again swipe again but by the 4th time i was a bit worried the only private number that comes up on my phone normally is my mother when she calls using her international calling card the profs were chatting away in the cab so i risked it and called if something had happened to my parents and they were at hospital or something it would be impossible to call them as they don t have cell phones and i d be left calling every hospital in their city something i once had to do in the 90s when a friend was in a car crash and no one knew where he d been taken horrible and very time consuming i answered pronto by reflex and the suddenly there i was speaking italian to the spanish clinic and they want to schedule and they want to do it now and oh how awkward i am trying to switch to italian as much as possible to keep things a bit confidential but that was failing so i asked if we could speak english most of it on my side was just yes yes no no could we push it to mid january my calendar is freer then no not that day i am traveling then etc could have been about anything but i suspect the guy knew exactly what i was saying he is a math guy he could easily have noticed all the dates were carefully 2 weeks apart he has done this before he knows this call oh and he is wicked smart and observant this one and thus when the other colleague was in the bathroom he asked so uh clare how s your italian pretty good now why just wondering why you switched to english there oh i was actually talking to someone in spain and since italian is both of our second languages we often switch to english and calendaring and dates over the phone are still tricky for me in italian ah i seeeeeeeee and his face told the whole story he knows which countries in europe do donor eggs he knows what it is like to painfully be torn between ignoring a clinic call and taking it he left it at that and i chose to feel strangely pleased to have a secret ally wishing us well game on jan 1 posted in finding my way tagged allies spain leave a comment december 12 2013 by circlesbecomeme barcelona barcelona it used to represent a place the spanish majors would go while i did my study abroad in an english speaking country because well that is what my major dictated it was a place of dreams and tapas and crazy architecture it was a place i had one of my best conference experiences drinking and dancing with former bosses from my internship years over 10 years ago and also meeting new friends and allies in my field now it hopefully is what i can tell any future child about as part of their origin story it was really important to us that we able to pass on some information to our child about their genetic origins ideally it would be that they could actually know or at least meet the person at a minimum to have some basic information about them i loved that in new zealand there is a registry where kids and donors can connect through a 3rd party service once the kid is 18 spain has different rules forever and ever anonymous we have resigned ourselves to this so while i was touring barcelona before and after our appointment i took a lot of photos my husband was slightly annoyed he is a big believer in enjoying the moment and not tainting it be taking too many photos i took maybe 40 photos so it wasn t as if i lived behind the camera but i also know in my heart that if i can t tell my child anything about the woman who donated eggs at least i can tell him or her something about the city where she lived posted in finding my way tagged photos spain leave a comment december 4 2013 by circlesbecomeme surreal in four days we go to spain to visit a clinic its my birthday weekend so it s easy to let people think we are traveling for my birthday it is easy to tell customs that we are traveling for pleasure and there will be pleasure i am so excited to show my dear man this city i feel in love with during a conference years ago i am thrilled to try out the 8 years of spanish that has been erased by 4 years of living in italy i am dying for tapas tapas tapas and more tapas but there is also hope and that is thrilling and terrifying that voice keeps cropping up who are you to dare to want this how could you give up this much ...