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Text of the page (random words):
for days then change in an instant music was my greatest love and my greatest comfort and those musicians all have special places in my heart for without them i m not sure i would have survived and it gives me great comfort to know that most of them are still out there performing in one form or another and still selling out venues just goes to show you what it means to have real talent instead of just computerized backing tracks and autotune yeah there were a lot of bad days but ironically enough those years were also some of my best creatively i was immersed fully in fields that i loved first there was music for my undergrad where i was playing and composing daily surrounded by talented people who loved what they were doing just as much as me then there was graduate work in film in the heart of the industry los angeles spending every waking hour in some aspect of production from writing to directing to editing and meeting the giants of the field john huston oliver stone roddy mcdowell long days short nights lots of hard work and frustration and disappointment and i loved every minute of it https www youtube com watch v knizofpb8zm listening to the soundtrack of my life from then has made me finally realize what i m missing now what i ve been missing for nearly thirty years that creative environment my fear and insecurities forced a detour into corporate america where i had all the things that people said would make me happy regular paycheck house car etc and yet i wasn t happy what i really need to be happy is music and writing and to get back to doing both on a regular basis i need immersion i need interaction with other musicians and writers to keep me on track because otherwise i m just an amoeba formless and directionless swimming along in basic survival mode and not accomplishing much more i know i have the ability to be successful despite the additional roadblocks put up by my gender and my weight and my grey hair there s something inside me that will not give up no matter how depressed and hopeless i feel i have great family and friends who are supportive and a husband who is convinced of my future status as a best selling author but isn t that what those people are supposed to do asks the depression aren t those people closest to you required to love and support you no matter what yeah depression sucks like that always finding a way to bring you down but even at my worst i still want to live off my writing every time i ve convinced myself that i should just give up such pipe dreams that little voice in the dark cobwebbed corners of my mind protests not loudly not angrily but just enough to not be ignored one thing being at afi taught me was that success would come if you work hard have the talent and are given a chance i just need a little help on that chance thing for i am not as brave as some may think certainly not when it comes to promoting myself and networking that requires people skills that i am sorely lacking and a confidence i m not allowed by that damn demon clouding my brain what i need is a mentor someone who will be equal parts cheerleader and advocate someone who will challenge me but can also be a friend a musician or writer already in the business who wants to get some extra karma points by taking on this old rehab project i m trying to find ways to make those kinds of connections afi has a mentor program and supports independent writing groups both of which i ve signed up for despite the logistics of getting into la at any given time i have long been a lapsed member of the musicians union but maybe it s time to get those chops back too i did manage to rescue the casio from the spare bedroom a few days ago combine that with the midi connection to garageband on my ipad and i can doodle some compositions something i haven t done in what seems like forever i don t just want to be creative i need to be creative i must write i must play music or i die little by little like i have been these last three decades and if you re someone in the business who s managed to stumble through this blathering and thinks you might be able to help despite me i promise to be a good student bonus fan girl swoon if you re steve perry https vimeo com 61213949 share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized tagged afi david bowie def leppard depression john huston journey music oliver stone phil collins queen roddy mcdowell steve perry the police van halen writing 2 comments a conversation with a megalith august 29 2017 by ckendsley here s a little trip into the way back machine for you i was digging through some old notes and came across this little gem written by my 14 year old self many many many moons ago i present it here transcribed verbatim bad punctuation and all from the original freshman in high school scrawl cheri this is eggberthead snuffington worthless on location in ireland i am about to talk with one of the great megaliths here said the reporter turning to a huge chuck of rock behind him mr megalith are you blind screeched the rock i m a mrs oh i m terribly sorry please excuse my mistake stammered the reporter mrs megalith i hear you are the oldest megalith to be found is this true no it ain t my husband is 3 000 years older than i am oh where is he sent to some place by the name of stonehenge prob bly some singles place stonehenge it seems that by the time he was drug there he d be worn away to nothing good heavens man he went air mail air mail asked the confused reporter carrier pterodactyl but pterodatyls are extinct thank heavens for that those things damaged us megaliths worse than the elements they attacked you no you ninny we were the closest things they had to statues oh the reporter paused what do you think of the ancient celts those freaky nuts with the long stringy hair streaking around for no good reason at all drawing squiggly lines all over the place the dummies should have put some clothes on they were so cold they were blue but they painted themselves blue they didn t need to paint themselves blue they were blue as ice anyway you know why they re referred to as ancient because there aren t any more right they all died of pnemonia because they ran around without any clothes on uh i hope you don t mind if i change the subject but what was your impression of the vikings they played a good game sunday zipped right past the packers i don t mean the football team i mean the ancient vikings oh those beasts they were the rudest most domineering uncultered creeps i ve ever met the megalith hissed they ran around ransacking everything guzzling coors beer as if it were going out of style and grabbing all the good looking girls they could get their grubby paws on you had coors beer back then of course we had coors budweiser schlitz all the biggies you know that may be why they were so mean half had hangovers and were mad at the other half for making all the noise well yes that could be true said the reporter uh one final question did you have halloween a million years ago we didn t have halloween per se we had a night called the night out of time on the eve of the new year a bunch of freakies ran around in sheets and weird o masks screaming and moaning and stealing food if the people wouldn t let them steal the food they would cast a spell on them usually scared them to death it got to where i became so annoyed i finally just took it up to myself to do something about it what d you do i fell over on a bunch of them when they came running by squished them all over the place and that stopped the night out of time the reporter questioned sure it did the ones that were left were scared out of their guords and died of fright the only reason we ve got halloween now is because they came back to haunt me everybody thought running around in sheets and masks was cool so they joined in the megalith answered the reporter paused gave a look of utter hopelessness and turned to the camera you heard it folks this has been eggberthead snuffington worthless on location in ireland http www megalithic co uk shop irish_genius htm share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized tagged celts halloween ireland megalith packers pterodactyl stonehenge vikings 1 comment protesting 101 august 14 2017 by ckendsley this is how you peacefully protest this is not stop the hate share this email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized tagged charlottesville peaceful protest stop the hate leave a comment self discipline is an oxymoron august 9 2017 by ckendsley most of us at some point in our lives have dreamed of working for ourselves we sit in our office cubicle or other equally dismal assigned work space and wonder what it would be like to not have to answer to that asshole of a boss anymore or sit next to that whining hypochondriac or deal with the petty power plays of the supply clerk over the next set of copy paper requests we imagine how nice it would be to set our own schedule as we tool away at our dream job training unicorns to tap dance or maybe something equally a fantasy like being a writer i certainly entertained those thoughts and when the day came that my husband agreed i could give up the fruitless two year hundreds of resumes sent job hunt and stay at home to give my writing a full time chance i was giddy with joy finally i could live the life i wanted all those stories that had been dancing around my head all those characters demanding to be released could actually see the light of day no more alarms no more power suits no more office bullshit and no more disorganized bosses i stopped being a certified administrative professional and became a writer yeah you can stop laughing now i love the smell of folly first thing in the morning my grand plan was to get up every day when i felt like it write for a few hours have lunch piddle around the housework fix dinner for the hubby and finish off the day with a few more hours of writing i went and bought myself some spiffy writing software scrivener is awesome a cool electronic pad that captures hand writing wacom is awesome and smooth heavy bond paper for my fountain pens levenger is awesome i fussed over how my desk should be laid out whether i should go for time or word count listen to music or not have the tv on or not and about a bazillion other silly things that really didn t matter but did because i m a little obsessive compulsive that way in the beginning i actually did get some stuff accomplished i slowly finished a novel and some short stories made pretty regular entries here at this old dump of a blog and did at least two articles a week for an on line news site called examiner com now defunct i did that gig mainly to get myself back into writing shape knowing i wouldn t make a living off it and left well before their fall i have made queries and submissions for both the novel and stories essentially to a large field of crickets it seems given the non responses i ve received and i started a second novel so in the grand scheme of things maybe it doesn t seem all that bad appearances are definitely deceiving that early enthusiasm soon fell victim to my own lack of urgency when i don t have to get up at a certain time i don t in fact i m very cat like in that regard i ll take a nap just about anytime and when i say nap i mean at least four hours of unconsciousness cuddled with the actual cats in a cool dark room and being naturally a night person night was when i was awake i d see my husband off to work in the morning and promptly head off to the vault for my day s snooze and not being responsible to anyone else s agenda when i was awake i wasn t nearly as productive as i could have been hey look there s a game i haven t played in a long time maybe i should make something out of this fabric i ve had for the last twenty years wow i sure do have a lot of books i need to read better get started it s amazing how fast time disappears when you re not accountable then came a couple scary events involving hospitals bill collectors and mortgage companies the depression seemed to envelope me whole and what little productivity i d managed rapidly fell off into nothing soon it was mostly sleeping and computer games because nothing really matters least of all me hiding is what i seem to do best it s so easy to put things off when there are no hard deadlines no people to be responsible to and no requirements beyond feeding the cats and the husband and that little dark cave in my mind that began as a refuge slowly transformed into a prison but only until they come up with something darker i follow several other writers a couple best selling award winners and a few crawling up the ranks all of whom are further along their journeys than i somewhere along the line i began dissecting their schedules if they didn t outright tell their readers they all blog more frequently than i and post on facebook twitter and or instagram numerous times a week they usually write or are at least engaged in some aspect surrounding writing like editing or marketing everyday the up and comers send out dozens of queries and or submissions a month while the established pen mavens have to figure out how to balance all those offers with their already tight schedules they talk about having to pay the mortgage dealing with children interrupting their writing time and imposter syndrome they are going through all the same issues i am but they have managed to keep the keystrokes active they press through even on those days when it seems that writing is more a chore and less the passion they thought it would be they do it because they have to not just because they want to they are beholding to their families their editors their readers and any number of others involved in the chain of production from inception to publication don t get me wrong they still love what they do but like with any career once it starts rolling there are other people to think of and you d best not let them down and that s what i finally realized i ve done this writing thing isn t just about me my husband is carrying the household expenses on his shoulders while i piss away my day killing zombies my family and friends support me and offer encouragement despite me sleeping curled up with the cats all afternoon there are even people who aren t any of the above that read this blog regularly or at least as regularly as my erratic entries allow and still follow me regardless and that s why self motivation is an oxymoron it do...