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me thinks me thinks musings of an oxymoron personified friday september 22 blah i guess it s time to write again this will be free writing unrestrained and untempered because i m tired of writing about things that i don t want to write about i m exhausted from always trying to be a version of myself that is not me i ve had it with all the feigned pleasantries and willed optimism i am just so tired it s been a while since my last post and looking at how i spun my words back then i think it s both interesting and tragic that a person can change so drastically in such a short span of time for the preliminaries i ve achieved my dream of becoming a lawyer all my life i ve held on to this dream from a little boy whose interest was piqued by the enigma of the universe to a grown adult who has been broken to the world probably i am at fault for expecting too much from life and my childhood dream probably it s my escapism and naivete that is to blame because i thought that becoming a lawyer will be the emancipation of all my evils that after i hurdle the bar exams and triumph i will automatically become the best version of myself i could not be any more wrong i could have probably tempered my naivete and realized earlier on that self polishing is constant and always tedious that one doesn t simply become a better version of himself by hurdling through self imagined limitations and barriers that the bar exams and me becoming a lawyer aren t ends that would automatically translate to a happier much more fulfilled me because if truth be told i ve never been more miserable i feel depression creeping in but i know that i can do nothing to keep it bay or prevent the imminent explosion of the proverbial dam for almost two years now i ve been trying my best to be the best version of myself i got hired in one of the more prestigious law firms here in makati and i know that from the outside i seem to be living the life that i ve always been destined to live but i m sad i m constantly sad there are days when i just lie in bed and stare into nothingness as i convince myself to get up change for work and pretend to be happy with what i m doing and then there are days when i just cry i randomly cry because i know that deep within the recesses of my soul i am nowhere near my end goal of being happy my heart feels empty and when my nights are especially long and i am by my lonesome trying to stitch together a decent pleading that is due the next day i feel so exhausted and spent that i just want to go somewhere where no one knows me be with a stranger who will see me weep but will just let me be being a good or even just a decent lawyer can drain your entirety you regularly deal with problems of other people and you constantly pretend that you know your shit even when in reality your brain screams from the inside and it tells you i don t fucking care because i have my own shit to deal with but you just have to smile and blurt out a legal opinion from scratch because that s what people expect to hear from you and of course since you re a people pleaser you want to tell them what they need to hear and wait for their thanks and affirmation probably i m not a good lawyer or i m not good enough or i will never be good enough this has been a constant source of discomfort for the entire time that i ve been with my firm at first and as expected this greatly unsettled me because no one wants to embrace mediocrity and brandish it for all the world to see but through time and as my self loathing and self inflicted torment became much more frequent and eventually swallowed me whole i just don t fucking care call me mediocre i don t give a tiny rat s ass call me below par that s your fucking problem call out my grammar and my propensity for muddling clarity that s your business not mine call me inferior i don t give a fuck i ve never been sadder and my depression has never been this debilitating i think i need rescuing posted by claudiopoi at 6 37 pm no comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom claudiopoi im boring when im sober but when i get drunk i become a monster rawr view my complete profile archive september 1 august 1 july 1 march 1 february 1 december 1 november 1 september 1 june 1 may 2 april 1 march 1 january 2 december 1 november 1 september 1 august 1 july 1 june 2 may 6 april 5 march 2 february 3 january 5 december 5 november 9 october 11 this is my random shit awesome inc theme powered by blogger