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llshit i have no idea what anyone thinks of me unless they tell me i don t know if they even care that my belly hangs over the top of my jeans when i sit down i don t know if they think that i dress childish i don t know if they think that my trying to be ombre but not quite nailing it hairdo looks like shit but i have told myself they do why i really have no idea but i am determined to try to stop it i want to feel beautiful i want to be comfortable in my skin my not so stellar hairdo my favorite cardigan with a hole in it that i love so much i just can t get rid of my stretch marks my flabby areas all of it i want to love it all i have wasted so much time investing my thoughts in what other people think of me that somewhere along the line all of the negative things i had created in my mind took over how i thought of myself i have been so unfair not only to myself but to everyone around me if i continue to think that my friends are thinking awful thoughts about me am i really going to be able to open up and fully engage in their friendship and companionship um no this video literally brought me to tears i could identify with so much of this tainted self view i want you to watch this video and think how you would describe yourself apparently there is research out there stating that only 4 of women worldwide believe they are beautiful 4 does that number enrage you it should i may not have children of my own but i have some amazing young women and girls in my life and if i could contribute to their life in any fashion it would be teaching them to love themselves and to believe in their own unique beauty i hope that each of you reading this feel the same because it does start with us girls aren t born hating their bodies they are taught to hate their bodies i think it is time for a change in the lesson plans posted by nichole at 8 54 am no comments tuesday april 16 2013 changing my world i have hated myself for many years and for many reasons none of them founded none of them true but i have been a semi professional self hater nonetheless i can t remember how far back the self hate started but i believe it was around the time i was 7 or 8 just typing that age on my screen makes my stomach curdle i look at how sweet and innocent 7 and 8 year old children are and i can t imagine them carrying that kind of hate in their hearts it is so unfair i believe it began as a direct result of the sexual abuse i suffered as a young girl i was abused by a very close family member and i am still trying to free myself from the guilt and shame that engulfed me after that i began hating my body i had trouble trusting people and i was terrified as i watched my family crumble under the stress of me reporting the abuse then came a 6 year court battle while i was going through high school and college that ended in my abuser getting probation i hated myself for putting my family through that for what seemed like nothing i felt damaged i hated my body i lost not only more trust in people but lost all faith in the court system then i met my now husband and he made me feel amazing i felt loved beautiful worthy and every other gushy lovey dovey feeling there is we got married after dating for a few years and started to try to have a family i failed bam and i have now been married 8 years and have no living children we conceived 4 times with my body killing off our children each time for some unknown reason i hated my body i felt like a failure as a wife i felt like a failure as a woman i felt like i had disappointed my family bam s family my friends even my infertile ones i gained a bunch of weight thanks to my pcos self loathing and fertility medications i hated my body i have stretch marks with no children to blame them on like the majority of women with insulin resistance i carry most of my weight in my stomach and have excess facial hair that i relentlessly try to remove i hated my excess facial hair i hated my belly fat i hated my dimply thighs i will no longer be entertaining that four letter word there are many other four letter words that i love but hate is out of my vocabulary at least when it applies to myself i will always hate peas and that won t change sorry mom i am a fucking strong woman who has endured more pain disappointment heartache and loss than many 31 year old women i know it took a lot of strength and endurance to expose my abuser in 6th grade it took even more guts to make the decision to go to the police and then even more balls to endure a 6 year long legal battle i have earned every fucking stretch mark stray hair and dimple on my thighs after putting my body through years of fertility treatments stress and miscarriages i need to give myself a break and start treating myself as good as i treat my friends i take that back better than i treat my friends because i haven t always been able to be a good friend because i was too busy hating myself i want to be comfortable in my skin i want to be able to laugh and be silly and not worry what others are thinking of me i want to be able to dance goofy live free and be comfortable in the decisions i make i want to know that the friends i have around me know the true me and love me for that i want to look at myself in the mirror and see the strong bitch that i am staring back at me no more self hate i am changing my thoughts and in turn i am changing my world posted by nichole at 1 01 pm 2 comments monday april 08 2013 validation vs platitudes infertility style pamela over at silent sorority recently blogged about grief and her post resonated with me so deeply specifically the use of platitudes when helping someone through the grief process i wanted to write about it as well see her post grief is a form of love i really do not like platitudes as in when i hear one it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin and i find myself instantly shutting down it seems to me that many of them are just cop outs or ways to avoid an actual conversation about life and grief one that pamela had mentioned in her blog post that really gets me going is god life universe doesn t give you more than you can handle i call bullshit throughout my life i have been challenged way beyond what i would call handling have i survived yes but i hardly consider barely getting by and living in complete survival mode handling i have busied myself numbed myself eaten my feelings and enlisted numerous other coping skills to get through the challenging times but i can t look back on all of them and honestly say that i handled them i survived them i think people use this particular platitude in order to avoid really talking about someone s struggles i know many do this unintentionally but it really is just an easy way out of a potentially uncomfortable conversation about grief and how damn unfair life is at times it is a way of brushing it off undermining the pain and desperation from the struggling individual as if saying that the person struggling is in the wrong for feeling hopeless depressed and or anxious because no matter what is thrown at us in life we will be able to handle it if this is true then i would like someone to explain how our suicide rates across the globe keep increasing at alarming rates throughout my infertility struggle the platitudes and assvice i received was at times mind boggling i definitely heard the above referenced platitude more times than i can remember and every time i hear it i get more and more infuriated then there are others like god s timing is perfect ummmm ok not really sure what this is supposed to mean but when people say it to me it makes me feel like they are saying stop being do damn impatient you ungrateful woman god will bring you a child in his time not yours so just sit down shut up and be patient what if he doesn t oh right then the platitude changes to god has a perfect plan for you and the platitudes just keep coming time heals all wounds really cause my pain 8 years in to my family building journey is much more intense than it was at 1 2 3 or 4 years everything happens for a reason well of course everything happens for a reason but not all of them are good reasons and if platitudes are meant to make people feel better then this one fails miserably i don t see any good reason 4 of my babies had to die meanwhile women all over the globe are having kids that they don t want and can t take care of care to explain there is someone worse off than you this particular platitude really pisses me off how much more demeaning and belittling could a platitude get by telling anyone this you are literally saying you don t deserve to be upset feel this pain or be sad because other people in the world have it worse than you what a craptastic thing to say to someone you care about it will all be worth it in the end in the infertility world this may be true if that end results in a child in fact usually the people i hear spewing this particular platitude are already on the other side of infertility they have a child in their arms what about those that choose to get off the crazy train and instead choose to live child free after infertility will all of that pain heartache money emotional trauma physical abuse and loss be worth it then if there are any readers reading this that have decided to remain child free after infertility i would love your feedback on this one let me challenge each of you that when you feel that platitude let s face it we all use them at one time or another squirming up from your gut through your vocal cords to stop it short there and instead really engage in the conversation and offer some real support real true unscripted support can you imagine how much different our relationships would be if our fears hurts and insecurities were met with understanding validation and support what are your most hated platitudes and go posted by nichole at 2 21 pm no comments thursday april 04 2013 pregnancy announcement enigma today there are so many ways of announcing a pregnancy it may actually make your head spin with social media and the like the possibilities are near endless with 1 in 8 people dealing with infertility it is still a little baffling to me that so many people are still so clueless in how to tell your infertile friends family co workers etc about a pregnancy if you have found my blog because you are looking for advice before you make your announcement i applaud you and thank you you have already conquered step 1 and 2 over the last 8 years you can imagine i have had to smile through many pregnancy announcements i couldn t even begin to count how many but i can tell you that i remember those that were sensitive to my journey my feelings and my losses and handled their announcements well and those that didn t sure every person is different every infertile person handles pregnancy announcements differently but i think the following 5 steps pretty much encompass the things that most infertile people want and expect out of our loved ones when announcing a pregnancy 1 know your audience i really think this one is a no brainer but apparently i am wrong because i know many people who still don t do this the first time i was told to know your audience was in writing class in high school know who you are writing to know who your listeners are shouldn t this be true in all of our conversations think before you speak and especially think of how what you are about to say could effect those listening to you don t join all of your family together for a big public we re pregnant announcement while your infertile aunt uncle sister brother friend is in the room i would feel like quite the asshat if i went on an on about how wonderful eyesight was and what a blessing it was that i have 20 20 vision in front of a person that is visually impaired wouldn t you 2 be sensitive this kind of ties into number 1 but in addition to that just be sensitive to the fact that your wonderful news may trigger some very raw emotion in someone else i have been very open about our infertility journey and our miscarriages so literally anyone who has known me for any measurable length of time knows that i am challenged in the reproduction area i don t tell people about my journey for pity to seek advice or accolades i tell them to educate them on how large this issue is and so that they can be sensitive to my situation if people don t know you can t expect them to be sensitive if i don t know you are visually impaired i may just unknowingly make an asshat of myself gushing over the beauty of eyesight 3 say no to social media or at least postpone a social media announcement until you have had the opportunity to tell your infertile friends personally whether via a private email a phone call or in person be a good friend and protect them from the shock and pain of seeing an unexpected pregnancy announcement as soon as they log onto their computer in the morning nothing ruins an infertile person s day quicker than that other than a negative pregnancy test i have more people hidden on my facebook feed than i care to admit or count math is not my strong suit it isn t because i don t love these people it is quite the opposite but i have to protect my heart i have good days and bad days and on my bad days i have to protect myself from the constant posting of belly pictures ultrasound photos baby pictures and the mom zillas on my news feed on the good days i can go to their pages and gush over their cute kids bellies and the like but at least i get to choose when i see those things this is so important i am going to reiterate this point do not announce a pregnancy using social media without first warning the infertile people in your life 4 be understanding please understand that your infertile friend or family member really is happy for you however your announcement has triggered a lot of negative thoughts about him herself her situation and her losses in my case this typically results in a half ass smile a hug a quick congratulations and even quicker exit so no one sees my tears i am not heartless i don t hate pregnant women or fertiles it just triggers a lot of emotion surrounding my own failure of a body my losses and the future i thought that i would have with my husband that i now know i won t i am excited for all of my fertile friends and family members even for myself sometimes at the thought of a new niece or nephew but the truth is it reminds me of my four miscarriages and all the pain that bam and i have endured over the last 8 years the one thing you need to know your infertile loved one s tears have nothing to do with you personally 5 grow some balls sorry this is so blunt but i get so sick of hearing i didn t know how to tell you i didn t want to hurt you i was scared from people i have been on this journey for 8 years i am tough do i cry yes do i get depressed yes do i get over it yes do i carry on with my life absolutely infertile people have balls we have to we have to watch endless amou...