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Text of the page (random words):
interpreted this way i looked for guidelines using talmudic logic on one hand a prevalent custom in most shuls i ve ever attended is for the entire congregation to rise when mourners say kaddish standing together in palpable support on the other hand every friday night when we say kiddush over the wine before hamotzi over the challah we cover the challah out of deference everyone deserves their own moment this time i did ask a rabbi who saw no problem with my reasoning and in fact considered it a worthy gesture soon after that discussion i attended the shiva of a beloved shul member a holocaust survivor like my dad who had been part of my shul experience from day one just before the call to prayers i offered my condolences to the bereaved sons we spoke of our fathers with a smile and concluded that they would take such pride in knowing that their first generation new world children were honouring their memories traditionally together belonging august 12 2016 esther shulamith leave a comment saying kaddish gains one entry into a club one never wanted to join even if we opt out we re members the big revelation is that we have always had a reserved place here alongside the entirety of the jewish people this place reached only through devastation provides a thoroughly new perspective a prism through which we see added new dimensions every day a new truth and mostly the value lies not in what was revealed but rather in one s privilege to bear witness or even remarkably to take part my year of kaddish began in summer at a time when we enjoy a loosening of rules and strictures i was in the odd position of needing depending on rigid traditions i felt lost as i never had before only my unshakable belief in my place overcame my lack of surefootedness as each day i took a deep breath and walked into a new unknown more than anything i needed to feel grounded to belong and each day a community encouraged and welcomed me wherever i found myself i noted variations but even moreso the similarities eventually the known outweighed the unknown and i took strength in my constant position amongst the richly varied minyanim every single day contributed its own unique thread to what became a beautiful living tapestry of perspective and support i belonged among my most uplifting memories are those of the baseball diamond minyan once or twice a week our shul baseball team played in a nearby park and timing was such that mincha and maariv took place around game time the boys who included my two sons established a tradition of convening a minyan so i could say kaddish within walking distance of my spot in the bleachers the respect and reverence shown by those young men reflect the very best of our community and instill faith in our future i couldn t have been prouder one winter s day it was in a shul i dropped into because it was geographically convenient i listened as the leader repeated the amidah in a strong voice with a clear russian accent and when he got to m kabetz nidchei amo israel blessed is he who gathers the dispersed of his nation israel i smiled as it all fell into place before my eyes perhaps the least inspired of the three hundred or so kaddishes i recited occurred on a hectic sunday afternoon i got stuck in traffic clearly losing at beat the clock at the posted mincha time i was still at least five full minutes away from my destination suddenly spotting an unfamiliar synagogue i swerved off the road running in i asked where services were being held a wedding was taking place and the building was buzzing with happy guests completely out of place i bolted upstairs in search of the rabbi i found him with a small group of black hatted gentlemen just finished he said sorry but i m saying kaddish i have nowhere else to go at this point please well he said dubiously there are ten here i guess if someone were willing to say kaddish you could follow along i looked around at the faces observing me with a mixture of curiousity and pity no one moved until one did saying sure i can do that we each grabbed a siddur the rabbi helpfully gave me the page number as i scrambled to keep up as my day s hero zipped through kaddish it wasn t pretty but it was the logistics of getting to prayers on time each day determined what an evening out would look like one of the few times i went to a public event was to hear natan sharansky a hero of mine in conversation with the honourable irwin cotler former justice minister and a driving force behind mr sharansky s freedom the evening took place in the grand sanctuary of beth tzedec and i was so happy that i d be able to attend prayers on site beforehand seamlessly i got there early and found my way down the hallway to a classroom eventually the room filled with men and women including a very familiar looking gentleman that i just couldn t place he too was saying kaddish afterward we all wished each other well and i made my way to my seat in the auditorium only as he took his seat onstage did i realize the familiar face belonged to mr cotler as he paid tribute to his late father whose yahrzeit he was observing that night i again felt that unbelievable sense of connectedness of belonging to something awesome another moment of clarity in november 2014 a massacre took place in har nof jerusalem a morning minyan was shattered four decent innocent men and a heroic policeman murdered a sixth victim was left comatose his murder completed eleven months later that man was originally from toronto a schoolmate of mine so many years ago after he died someone published a poignant essay noting that he had been cut down in the middle of the amidah he had taken the three steps back that open the prayer lord open my lips that my mouth may declare your praise but never got to take the three steps to mark its completion and so for six months every day i brought him with me when i took those forward steps oseh shalom bimromav may he make peace upon us and upon all israel amen ancient words new meanings july 11 2016 esther shulamith leave a comment more than anything else i ve come to understand in life i ve learned that it s not only about being in the right place at the right time there s a third angle you must be the right person my journey into the daily prayers became a relationship i m not sure at what point what started out feeling forced unnatural became a fluent part of me as i evolved from feeling like a poseur to owning my spot in life my heart pounds whenever i show up someplace for the first time here though i had a good general idea of what to do and how to fit in there was often some new detail that poked at my confidence some more glaring than others the first time i turned up at the shul closest to me i noticed they pray nusach sepharad according to the sephardi tradition the siddur they used is from the same modern publisher i m used to and whereas the service is by and large the same there are some devils in the details that first time i found myself zipping along getting to the end of the prayers pretty darn quickly a little too quickly even taking into account my growing familiarity with the liturgy and then it dawned on me that this siddur is in hebrew only unlike my usual one that has both hebrew and english meaning one needs to read every page not just the right hand ones once my self consciousness gave way to comfort and i moved inside to a place of belonging i began to explore dad would sometimes mention the beauty in the liturgy for years i d roll my eyes i couldn t imagine anything more boring now communing daily with it i found the poetry the lofty yearnings the oh so human turns of phrase and i found the words that found me some years ago dad had some medical difficulties and had missed shul for a few weeks upon his return to his makom kavua his designated place i looked over toward him at one point and the feeling that all was right with the world enveloped me at that moment we began the amidah the central prayer for which we stand still and silent and then it grabbed me the first of the 18 blessings is magen avraham blessed be he who protects avraham my father is avraham avraham aharon to be exact from that day forward that was dad s special blessing my pact with g d coincidentally the very next blessing is mechaye hameitim blessed be he who gives life to the dead for these many years i had consciously looked away from dad as soon as we said amen to protecting avraham bli ayin ra lest we tempt the evil eye there are many interpretations of giving life to the dead none of which i had ever wanted to contemplate now those two blessings are linked for the rest of my life and to my surprise and gratitude bring me strength kaddish d rabbanan june 1 2016 esther shulamith 1 comment one brisk winter day for the first and only time there was no minyan at chat we got as far as 7 assembled then the bell rang and three boys rather apologetically headed off to class i waited with four teachers and it soon became clear that services would not take place today what to do davka there had been an issue at my workplace the day before so approaching my boss to ask for 15 minutes to run across the street for minyan would not only be unlikely to yield a positive response but foolhardy as well two teachers rabbis both had a look online to see where i might find a minyan two possibilities emerged both involving phone calls to see if there would indeed be services and if so would i be welcome meanwhile the bell rang and the classroom filled coat on i counted 5 boys and the two teachers finding that brazen kaddish voice i asked any possibility of grabbing 3 more so i could just say kaddish the teacher glanced at the clock with trepidation but said nothing one student jumped at the chance to recruit then another i thanked them and apologized for disrupting their talmud class oh no don t apologize thank you for affording me the mitzvah said one the other quietly went to round up some students she returned triumphant with three boys in tow the teacher not missing a beat detoured his class teaching them a quick extra curricular gemara tidbit in order to trigger a siyum complete a lesson and thereby necessitate kaddish d rabbanan with a suddenly tightening throat i stood and recited the long kaddish the one that not only honours departed souls but celebrates those that teach those that learn and an enduring tradition that holds us all postscript i later emailed the teacher a heartfelt thank you i just wanted to thank you for allowing me to hijack your class this afternoon i was so touched and was so aware of the role i play in the greater picture of klal yisrael saying kaddish for my beloved dad is not only about him and i have come to see not only about me either my dad was an educator of sorts he spoke of his auschwitz experiences to canada s young people and was able to quote torah and talmud some 80 years after learning in his shtetl cheder kaddish d rabbanan brings that home every time his gracious reply of course it was my pleasure not an inconvenience at all in fact it was an important teachable moment all in the z chut of your father yehi zichro baruch presence may 3 2016 esther shulamith leave a comment and so i warmed into my new routine lunchtime minyan afforded me quiet uninterrupted winter evenings for five months monday through thursday i made my way to chat at one o clock my visitor pass stayed in my pocket as i greeted the receptionist walked down the hall and to the left and took my set place my makom kavua among those who belonged my commitment was to say kaddish once each day more if the opportunity presented itself but for sure at least once on tu b shvat some three months in at chat i contemplated not heading over the night before a sunday i had attended both mincha and ma ariv services thus covering monday i was feeling under the weather with a rotten cold and having already fulfilled today i was tempted to stay put but after a moment s consideration i went ahead with my usual routine if i skipped out i would sincerely miss the positive and recharging moment in my day also i feel i may well be giving those kids as much as they re giving me the sense of community purpose in those few minutes is made palpable by the presence of someone who actually needs those young people in order to fulfill a mitzvah i arrived to a dark and empty bais medrash eventually a couple of teachers wandered in but in the absence of one particular teacher and his daily announced call to prayer we had a crowd of four one teacher gathered up a half dozen somewhat reluctant participants from the hallway and we commenced kaddish is the very last part of the service and there are always a few voices reciting it in comfortable unison i had become part of that rhythm as the leader reached the end of the prayers there was silence where those voices should have been i hesitated then tentatively began yitgadal v yitkadash shmei rabbah and there it was for the first time i alone recited kaddish it was daunting but as i heard the group respond amen i gathered strength and continued and after concluding that g d should grant peace to us and all israel and hearing the resounding amen i had the awesome privilege of thanking those kids directly for being there for me more than anything this was why i showed up today indelible april 22 2016 april 25 2016 esther shulamith leave a comment fast of the firstborn erev pesach this is the morning that defined my dad of course he celebrated his birthday his anniversary yom tovim but this this is who he was avraham aharon ben esther v asher zelig halevi of chudliev and rakosin always from the time i was little and asked him where he was going so early in the morning i knew that this was the most important day on my father s calendar and this is the first ta anit bechorim morning that dad was not there to listen to the early morning siyum to have a l chaim in that unique clubhouse in my makom kavua my designated spot this year i went armed with a bottle of scotch and a place holding l chaim by the time he emerged from the ruins of auschwitz he was the sole survivor of his immediate family anyone in the world that could verify his place as a firstborn son was gone his mother his father both brothers both little sisters grandparents at 16 he redefined himself as an adult made his way out of smouldering europe avraham aharon had become ernu under the hungarians arnost under the czechs arnold upon reaching scotland and the new world but his identity never wavered and every year he headed for shul this morning of erev pesach to take his place among the firstborn sons of israel even though he no longer had siblings to be older than nor parents for whom to be the firstborn i could not have been prouder when my ben b chor benjamin was deemed old enough to join zaidy age 5 if i remember correctly this may well be the greatest gift i was privileged to give my father so today we toast avraham aharon and his pre...