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Text of the page (random words):
ven t been reading the one other pregnancy book i own i m nearly in the second trimester and i am completely unprepared part of me is saying that i have 28 weeks left to deal with everything part of me is saying but i ve already let a third of the time pass without doing anything except i bought a shirt for the cat it s fucking adorable he hates it and then something happens like i read a story about someone who lost a pregnancy around this time and i become convinced that this is already over in the past couple of days my symptoms have really subsided in many ways which of course could be a result of being nearly out of the first tri but i ve convinced myself that it s just going to be a loss like don t get too attached to this baby because you never know when it will all be over my next appointment is the group thing and i m not even sure i ll get a scan hopefully at least a doppler i m terrified of finding out the baby has died while in a room with other pregnant women luckily it appears that my husband will be there with me for this appointment so that helps a little i ve been avoiding talking about the pregnancy on twitter for the past few days in part because of all the difficulty so many are having with so many of us pregnant but also because i don t know how to talk about all this in 140 characters or less i don t know how to talk about this at all really i completely lost it tonight i hit the wall of can t take care of everyone else anymore why can t someone take care of me and i hit it hard my husband was there to pick up the pieces but it was not fun with my mom out of town i m also responsible for helping take care of my dad he will be 80 in november he s a diabetic amputee all his toes and about half of one foot one toe on the other foot and he can go through bouts of depression especially when he s home alone all day every day so my sister and i are taking turns visiting him and taking him places and we re calling and chatting with him at least once every day but it just adds to my already overwhelmed burden right now but he s my daddy and i would do absolutely anything for him i really need to call the social work clinic tomorrow i told hubby to help me remember i need to make an appointment and get in and talk to someone asap and i probably need to be back on medication too the depression lately has been no joke and all that is what i haven t been saying posted in uncategorized and tagged anxiety depression pregnancy after infertility pregnancy after loss on july 7 2014 by conceptionsbitch 5 comments fatigue and frustration so i knew pregnancy fatigue was a thing but i had no idea how awful it could be add onto that the fact that the fatigue got bad around the same time as my husband s foot surgery and it s been a very stressful month i don t know how you women with full time jobs do it just taking care of me is more than enough but also taking care of him and having so little help means i am overwhelmed 24 7 i m not sleeping well and when i am sleeping at all it s from like 1am 11am intermittently i know i said i wasn t going to complain here but i don t know what else to do with this feeling i m getting very stressed out about monday my husband is supposed to go back to work aside from the fact that he is not really ready but his shitty clinic hasn t even scheduled a follow up appointment and his leave is up the surgery was on his right foot and he s still in a cast so he can t drive which means i will have to drive him to and from work every day at best it s about 35 minutes in one direction at worst it s over an hour so that s 140 240 minutes of driving every day mostly in shitty rush hour traffic can you tell i m a little bitter about it i m mostly mad at his clinic he should have had a follow up this week to clear him to return to duty or extend his leave they also might have taken off the hard cast and switched it to a walking cast i d still have to drive him but he d be more mobile at home but honestly both he and i agree that he s not really ready to go back full time right now he still gets exhausted really quickly even on desk duty he s going to wear out working full days very quickly which means he won t be working efficiently and will be more prone to mistakes we are hoping his supervisors allow him to work half days for at least the first week he called today to talk to them about it but the office was closed early for the holiday my worst nightmare is him working full time right away because right now he is able to help out a tiny bit around the house and that helps so very much but if he s working all day he s going to come home fucking exhausted and probably cranky and after all the driving i m going to be cranky and that s just a recipe for disaster in this house his supervisors have been really accommodating in general and he s crazy lucky to be in a work center where that s even possible so i m crossing my fingers that he can start with half days for a while in the meantime i ve been having a really difficult time eating it s not nausea mostly although sometimes it is food just doesn t appeal to me most of the time until it does and i gorge and make myself feel really sick this is not good for blobby and i m trying to keep eating at least something but the energy issue isn t helping i am at least taking my prenatal vitamins so there s that the really big news however is that my sister is also pregnant and due in january i ve known for a few weeks but she was very private about it so i ve been keeping it under wraps i m so incredibly happy for her and excited about us having kids around the same time my sis announced her pregnancy on facebook last night i was really glad she did i want to give her some time to get all the love and attention before we announce if everything goes well at my next appointment on the 17th i want to do it after that unfortunately a relative almost ruined that and basically outed my pregnancy on facebook after my sister made her own post i made a post about her pregnancy this relative who has known about me for over a month and probably assumed it was public by now commented on my post about me being a mother too luckily i saw it right after she posted it and deleted it the only person i know for sure saw it already knew but she also posted something on my sister s post that was more vague about my dad being a grandpa twice close together that got deleted after a while not sure if it was her or my sis and i m just crossing my fingers nobody noticed my sister s post had so many comments last i saw over 200 likes and over 100 comments that it probably got lost in the shuffle but it still makes me nervous and feel out of control i really didn t think this was a person i needed to warn about facebook etiquette where pregnancy is involved and now i m concerned i need to make sure other relatives know not to say anything about me yet sigh life on the internet is so complicated posted in uncategorized and tagged facebook fatigue foot surgery husband pregnancy sisters on july 3 2014 by conceptionsbitch 3 comments privileging parents i mentioned on twitter today that i was feeling like the people in my real life community aren t supporting me and that it s especially hard when i see them seemingly bending over backwards to support others i think that feeling would be hard regardless but it stings especially because i feel like it s happening because we aren t yet parents and most people don t yet know about this pregnancy allow me to explain when i talk about my real life community right now i am primarily speaking of the local military community as some of you know i used to volunteer for my husband s squadron i ve worked very hard to give support to the members of his squadron and their families so it especially stings when i don t get the same kind back again we have received some support from some lovely friends and i am totally grateful to them but they have been few and far between i know i have said that when my husband first had his surgery i posted on facebook asking if people could provide meals two people did two one of those people reads this blog and knew i was pregnant the other actually found out i was pregnant around that time because she was giving away all her maternity clothes and i wanted them so i told her although she had offered a meal before she knew that today i saw a meal train thing for a woman who i don t know who had surgery i don t know anything about what kind of surgery or why she had it just that she had surgery would be in the hospital for a few days after and had a kid and the meal train was full of people bringing meals for like weeks including people who are my friends on facebook who didn t offer me a meal and i can t help but wonder if the disparity has to do with her having a kid like here i am a woman who isn t working or in school right now and doesn t have kids what possible reason could i need help cooking while taking care of my invalid husband do you have any idea how exhausting it is to take care of someone after surgery even if i wasn t pregnant it would be significant the feminist in me also wonders if it had to do with the fact that it was a woman having surgery not a man but that s another issue among middle class married people and especially in the military community being a parent is privileged it just is events are catered to your needs people drop everything to help you out i have to be honest it hurts when someone who used to be a friend who dropped me because she couldn t handle my depression jumps at the chance to babysit a mutual friend s kids while her husband has minor surgery i m glad someone is helping my friend but damn she couldn t even help me by staying my friend on facebook this post is all over the place and probably not really making my point but i m sad i feel like people here don t like me anymore and don t even get me started on the people here i grew up with there are people who i know would gladly be doing things to help me right now but they don t live here anymore the other day i was having really bad back pain and having trouble just standing up we didn t have anything prepared for dinner i asked for help on facebook and the only response i got was from someone three states away wishing she was here to help she is also someone who now knows i m pregnant pretty much all our close friends know now the people who are here ignore us like we don t need help i can t help but ask myself is it because we aren t parents posted in uncategorized and tagged facebook friends infertility military life parents privilege on june 30 2014 by conceptionsbitch 3 comments protected it s complicated this content is password protected to view it please enter the password below password posted in uncategorized on june 25 2014 by conceptionsbitch genetics this is a really important post that i ve been putting off for a while you see around the same time that we found out i was pregnant in fact the same day that i had the bleeding and went to the er i found out some major information from my dad according to him i have an inverted 9th chromosome this was something my parents learned during the amniocentesis when my mom was pregnant with me and never told me until now in fact from what my father said my mother didn t doesn t want me to know and i m not supposed to tell her that he told me without getting into the whole long story of my family and secrets like this it s pretty fucked up mind you this is something my nearly 80 year old father told me that they learned more than 32 years ago so it s possible he s in some way mistaken but but whatever you can say about my dad s short term memory lately his long term memory is on point i really have no reason to disbelieve him i did some quick and dirty google searching and from what i learned inv9 is one of the most common chromosomal abnormalities and is generally considered benign however some studies have linked it to infertility and miscarriage and i read a couple scary stories about multiple miscarriage from people with inv9 on message boards so you know this should at the bare minimum be something they told me when i started all the fertility testing that they totally knew about and was asking questions about family history obviously i ve been rather hyper focused on this pregnancy and because of that i haven t been thinking a whole lot about this but when the genetic counselor started talking to us at the ob orientation i got nervous i checked the box on the form saying i wanted to talk to a genetic counselor but haven t heard back so we are starting with the low level blood testing for possible genetic issues and we ll go from there my feelings about this are really complicated i m obviously pissed at my parents for not sharing this information sooner especially my mom if she truly told my dad she didn t want me to know from what he said they first had this conversation at a point in their marriage shortly before they were separated for a couple of years so it was a difficult contentious time for them it also makes me nervous about this pregnancy and any other possible future pregnancies anything that increases chance of miscarriage is no good for my peace of mind i m relieved to know now but wish i could have found out sooner when i wasn t pregnant and testing to confirm would have been simpler but nothing i can do about all that now so we go forward i ll let y all know if i found out any more info about me personally or this pregnancy or inv9 in general posted in uncategorized and tagged family genetics infertility inv9 inverted chromosomes miscarriage secrets on june 25 2014 by conceptionsbitch 3 comments pregnancy after loss i owe you all easily a dozen or so posts sorry i ll catch up at some point i just haven t felt much like sitting in front of my computer lately probably because my office is a terrible mess and being in here makes me feel guilty but i digress i wanted to talk a bit about my experience with being pregnant after a loss and the seriously amazeballs midwife i saw today this is going to be a pregnancy heavy post so skip it if you need for some people namely my husband and my mother in law it has seemed like ever since we were confident that this pregnancy was in the uterus and especially since we saw a heartbeat that they are absolutely certain that this is a pregnancy that will end in a take home baby i m not that certain i have hope i have a lot of hope and it increases every day but i m still scared even though i ve only had the one loss and we are like ten steps further than we ever got with that pregnancy i m still scared leading up to my appointment today it had been three weeks since i last had an ultrasound and i was scared of a missed miscarriage i had no logical reason for that fear i still have all the symptoms they come and go but some are here daily the statistics at this point are in my favor but i ve known too many peop...