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onstant misery this was before i knew anything of japan or of the brief lives of its most sacred blossoms certain memory they say are now saying is written in the dna is passed down to our offspring through chemical markers the smell of a certain flower for instance at the moment of the mother s injury in her youth some trauma to the body or the heart will then trigger a reaction in the future daughter upon encountering the same flower in this way we are echoed constantly into the future as if the color of our eyes the texture of our hair the shape and length of our limbs were not enough i don t know if this is a tragic or merely poignant scientific revelation there must be layers of complexity that we can and cannot see there are the variables unable to grasp it all we follow the distilled and careful line of scientific method follow that singular thread of truth in and out of an eternal weave and what of the ethics of it all should we now aim to have children before an accumulation of hurt or later when we have both an abundance of loss but also a better understanding of it which is the better legacy what will and will not translate across time and dna now my daughter stands watching me with curious eyes from my own bedroom doorway as my fingers move through air sakura yes still there in the body memory of sinew muscle bone she laughs and enters the room to makes a game of it lifts her hands to play along with me our duet our genetic symphony share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized sep 05 this old house posted by tracy franz 2 it s got good bones that s what the inspector said when we visited the house we had decided we wanted to buy i liked that phrase liked the idea the house as body as a being maybe it was this metaphor that sold me on the place despite the inevitable decay of flesh there remains the permanence of bone for a house i am told good bones are essential for an easy rebirth remove a wall change out the windows update light fixtures switch out a pink toilet or sink strip the ancient wallpaper add a few coats of paint and voilà the dead can live again it s a humbling process something worthy of reverence opa my grandfather on my mother s side had been a contractor i wonder what he would have thought of our new place the house he shared with my oma in thomaston texas sprawled like a body at rest along the banks of the guadalupe river really theirs was not so much one house as a series of interconnecting homes that lived and breathed as one it had started as nothing more than a modest single wide two tiny bedrooms one on each end a kitchen dining area a bathroom from that center it grew to extend out into a palatial sitting room overlooking the river each summer when my mother and i visited from alaska it seemed a new limb had grown a wing or walkway or deck or room or carport from my opa s wise and weathered hands the house was constantly being reborn even now i can t begin to recall how many forms it inhabited over the years when my mother and i returned home to alaska at the end of each summer it stayed with me that house it lived on in my dreams as a living entity so that i spent my days exploring the expansive reality of the north and my nights within my opa s southern subconscious in this way i often lived between two worlds a habit or predisposition for contextual schism that followed me into adult life when i was in high school it became necessary for my grandparents to move to a small suburban home in kerrville i remember sipping sugar sweet iced tea and watching my opa a builder of worlds trying to repair an old broken telephone he sat at the kitchen table for an hour plugging the phone into itself over and over listening expectantly into the receiver after each try his hands worn but no longer wise strokes take things away explained my mother later my opa by then was having several episodes a month maybe more i imagined his guadalupe river house his architectural masterpiece but in the reverse a room or a corridor collapsing again and again into absence into nothing when opa died and then oma a few weeks later i was in my mid twenties and at the center of my own terrible collapse a world falling in on itself when i finally woke up i lived in a new country in a new context entirely i felt that all my original houses were erased forever it was then that i first began to feel free and that s okay i think it s okay to let go to burn it all down and rebuild from the ground up but lately in this new old house i am beginning to see my opa in every square angle in every raw beam good bones they say from loss within impermanence the persistence of memory share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized aug 01 mother s day flowers posted by tracy franz 0 it is may 8 2010 the day before mother s day and i am in takamori japan with my one year old son s hand in mine carefully ascending the stone steps to the gate of my husband s teacher s temple we are here to celebrate hanamatsuri or the festival of flowers otherwise known as the buddha s birthday as we enter the garden i see that the sliding doors encircling the main building are open to fresh countryside air a number of families have already settled on their cushions around a statue of the baby buddha standing beneath a flower covered canopy soon the children will be invited to pour sweet tea brewed from the leaves of hydrangea over the likeness bathing it as tenderly as a real newborn in this way the boys and girls are encouraged briefly to step into the parental role an exercise in compassion and generosity today as i reflect on the first year of caring for my own child i can t help but recall the fantastical story of the buddha s birth and of his mother at the foot of the himalayas the honorable king suddhodana ruled over the sakyas warrior tribe on the night of a full moon suddhodana s wife the virtuous queen maya dreamt of a white elephant clutching a lotus flower in its trunk her dream was later interpreted and it was foretold that she would give birth to a son who would come to be great in one of two ways if he remained in the castle with his family he would be a conqueror of nations if he left he would become wise beyond all measure some months later the queen was riding in a palanquin to her parents home where she intended to give birth when she ordered her procession to stop and rest in a beautiful garden as she entered the grove of flowering trees she reached up to touch a delicate blossom at that moment she gave birth afterward the sky opened over mother and child and both were bathed in flowers and clear water her son then stood took seven steps and announced his coming into being seven days later queen maya passed out of this life there are variations on this story and all are just as over the top what really grabs me though is that instant when queen maya both reaches for the blossom and gives birth this moment is profound because her perspective is suddenly altered in two ways literally looking upward and figuratively seeing all things through the eyes of a mother her new view remains expansive mind blowing the sky opening a newborn walking and speaking as a new mother i see the truth of my own altered perspective in how i now look on this temple garden a place i have visited countless times in years past my re calibrated gaze hovers just above the knee and i am constantly aware of the potential reach and speed of a curious toddler in motion i see the possibility of danger ancient stone stairs dubious bright red berries and destruction carefully cultivated moss paper lanterns arranged just so i see opportunities for learning and practice and play a pale moth fluttering from leaf to leaf a handful of pebbles a twig pulled across dirt i see a haven for rest or distraction when the festival activities overwhelm or bore but the most powerful and immediate aspect of this new perspective the view that came to me at that moment of my son s birth is a kind of deepened and pervasive empathy for and understanding of the universal human experience that season like cycle of impermanence turning in all our gardens and so as my son and i enter the temple and look on the faces of the people there i cannot help but see the child self in each adult i see the man and woman becoming in each child perhaps because to experience the miracle of new life is to also truly comprehend the inevitability of death i see the arc of lives and yes the enormousness of it is absolutely mind blowing it is stranger in fact than the buddha s magical origin story it is pure reality after my son and i partake in the day s festivities we return to the garden and my husband joins us in his long black robes as he produces the car keys from his sleeve one of the women calls after us urging us to wait she disappears briefly into the temple and then reappears striding along the path with a massive bouquet of fragrant white lilies in her arms for you for mother s day she says as she offers this gift to me my son bursts into giggles when he looks up and sees what i am now holding as if he s had some sudden and hilarious insight and i laugh because he is laughing at the sight of my child straining to reach the blossoms in my hands i am experiencing that first moment of motherhood all over again most people in japan consider the buddha s birthday to be april 8 but some celebrate on may 8 a version of this post originally appeared in mothering in the middle share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on x opens in new window x more print opens in new window print share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading posted in uncategorized may 08 oranges for the buddha posted by tracy franz 0 while living in our little semi urban house here in kumamoto japan we are often visited by one of the neighbor ladies bearing gifts of whatever is in season in her well tended garden in spring there are strawberries in summer eggplants and tomatoes in fall persimmons and squash in winter oranges these fruits and vegetables then sit before the buddha on our altar as an offering for a short while anyway before winding up in our kitchen to be duly prepared and then consumed by the family i ve always been struck by this neat little cycle of generosity neighbors sharing their bounty our family engaging in ritual at the altar my husband and i preparing meals in the kitchen and the four of us then eating in proxy for the buddha just as it s done in many households and monasteries throughout japan it s idyllic almost it s that last part where my genuine feeling of generosity too often breaks down and becomes complicated the fact is mealtimes with young children can be very very challenging lately with our children at ages 2 and 4 there have been variations on this experience it s saturday or maybe sunday it s been a work intensive week or two and i think gosh we ve been having a lot of hasty meals lately nutritious enough but not much pizazz i want to give my family something special today something that requires a little extra effort and so i manage to gather the ingredients at trendy and expensive foreign food shops let s say for a labor intensive vegetarian lasagna that the whole family has expressed delight over in the past i wash slice saute boil and season to perfection i add to this a salad various greens crumbled goat cheese pecan slivers sliced and pitted red grapes a homemade herbed dressing i toast thick slices of bread that i have baked myself smothered with butter and crushed garlic a bowl of oranges from the altar rounds out the visual appeal of the meal i dish up the food place the plates on the table and stand back to take in the full effect it is beautiful it smells wonderful the portions are age appropriate pleasingly colorful and arranged just so i know it will be delicious yes this is the meal that will make my family happy generous i think i m feeling so generous today a very good mama my beautiful and perfect family then tumbles into the dining room and my dream ends boy thought we were having pizza but you said it was a special dinner and he sits in his chair and begins to whimper at an increasingly higher pitch girl suddenly launches into a screaming tirade because her carefully cooled food appears to be steaming just a little boy then breaks into a full blown crying jag and both children refuse to eat my husband and i shout across the kitchen to each other in order to be heard trying not to let yet another ear splitting meal get to us i said do you want freshly ground pepper on your salad or not the end result of all of this of course is that not only do i not feel particularly generous during these moments i also feel kind of pissed i think hey i worked really hard for you all today and this is what i get whenever i arrive at this point this feeling of injustice i bring myself back to that zen ritual of generosity three oranges from a neighbor s garden placed on an altar hands held together in gassho a single bow that simple sense of i offer this and that is all there is no expectation in this practice how can there be obviously the buddha statue is not going to become animate leap up peel an orange and tear into a juicy wedge though boy that would be something nor is the statue going to reject it you know that it s just ritual and it s easy to be generous and have no expectation within those boundaries that s why it s such a wonderful starting point the challenge then is in sincerely bringing this view of no expectation to our dinner table glass shattering screams and all that is not to say of course that i do not want my children to be aware of the effects of their behavior i do want them to be thoughtful and polite to practice gratitude for the generosity of others but in order to convey this instruction to them skillfully as a parent i need to let go of my expectations i know i can t be as skillful from a place of anger and resentment by the end of the meal this time the children have at least said their thank yous and tasted the food tomorrow who knows they will probabl...