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on wanting solutions by dalglish chew the words are maps subscribe sign in on wanting solutions don t just solve your problems outgrow them dalglish chew jul 25 2024 share dear substack readers for a while now i ve been cross posting my writing both here and on my website that worked for a while but my website has undergone a significant redesign and it s time to deprecate this substack if you d like to continue hearing from me please subscribe here instead thank you for reading i don t want to solve your problems shocking admission for a coach perhaps but it s true i want to help you outgrow them here s why the difference matters seeking a coach for solutions often means hoping to be told what to do given the answer and taught what we don t already know in our discomfort we crave advice frameworks and best practices it s understandable who among us hasn t wished for someone to come along and hand us the magical solution to all of our problems there re plenty of situations where advisors and solution providers are appropriate yet many leadership challenges like conflict change communication motivation and development don t fit this mold no decision making framework would help a leader paralyzed by the fear of disappointing others no best practice can make a leader assertive if they experience their aggression as a moral failing no advice on delegation would help a micromanager who experiences unendurable anxiety at the mere thought of imperfection that s why i m not here to sell you solutions if you re after frameworks i m happy to give them to you for free outgrowing our problems requires a different approach which i describe below in terms of identifying exploring and venturing beyond our edge the process involves understanding the specific ways we get stuck befriending the experiences we d rather avoid and conducting brave imperfect experiments to grow the range of behaviors available to us we do this not merely to know better but to become better if you d like to learn more about what doing this work with me could look like read on and get in touch frameworks can guide us but trying to lead by framework is like trying to learn to ride a bike from a book identifying our edge every major firm from mbb to the big 4 touts a framework telling leaders exactly what they should do so why do we still struggle because knowing that something is true doesn t help us know how to act 1 we know that we need to have difficult conversations but drag our feet nonetheless we know that our teams respond better to empathy but in a fit of rage we forget frameworks can guide us but trying to lead by framework is like trying to learn to ride a bike from a book outgrowing our problems requires us to identify our edge the boundary that constrains our sense making it enables us to make some meanings see some options imagine some ways of behaving but not others moreover there can be no one size fits all solution because each leader s edge is uniquely their own take the founders i meet who believe they have a time management problem upon deeper inquiry the real reasons they don t have time for what they need to do range from a reluctance to say no to anxieties about settling for good enough to fears of missing out on opportunities deeply individual challenges that run of the mill frameworks like urgent important matrix or the one thing fail to address understanding our edge can also radically alter the problem we think we have this was the case for a client who initially sought help to mend a strained relationship with his business partner but ultimately discovered the strain was a symptom of a venture that was out of integrity with his values similarly a leader anxious for ways to develop her team realized how her own eagerness to help was actually preventing them from taking the initiative for their own learning identifying their edge helped clarify that the solution they sought was not the one they needed why is identifying our edge difficult to do on our own like the fish in david foster wallace s famous commencement address who don t know what water is because they re in it all day it s difficult to identify the edge of our sense making with the same apparatus we use to make sense 2 if you hate feeling dependent on people you re not choosing not to ask for help this possibility does not cross your mind at all it s not necessary to identify your edge in advance of coaching a trained coach with enough pattern recognition will help transform your sense making apparatus into something you actively shape rather than something you re unconsciously bound to 3 exploring our edge identifying our edge marks an achievement of self awareness yet it is just the beginning self awareness alone rarely suffices to unlock wise action realizing we have a desperate need to be liked for instance does not immediately equip us to make the tough decisions we were avoiding after all what makes our edge feel edgy is that we want nothing to do with it in fact one of the clearest signs we ve found our edge is the experience of wishing to flee avoid and not spend even one more second near it as pema chödrön writes fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth so what needs to happen next is the least enjoyable part of the growth process because it involves welcoming the one thing we desperately wish to avoid if disappointing others terrifies us our work is to befriend our fear if we d rather work ten times as hard to avoid the vulnerability of asking for help now we embrace that vulnerability if this sounds daunting it is it requires us to sober up and give up our strategies for staying comfortable to remain receptive to what s happening even when we want to solve and fix and to do all this with compassionate awareness rather than white knuckling through it this work asks so much of us but offers so much in return by giving permission to their unacknowledged rage and frustration my clients have accessed formidable reserves of energy to reshape their personal and professional lives by grieving the sacrifice they made of their innermost wishes early in life they ve found the courage to transform their lives in alignment with their deepest aspirations by healing early relational hurts and disappointments still others have rediscovered wellsprings of empathy and compassion that unlock deeper connection in their relationships as rainer maria rilke writes perhaps everything that frightens us is in its deepest essence something helpless that wants our love 4 but this work is difficult to undertake alone the pressures of daily life do not leave us much space for welcoming fear or helplessness let alone accessing love for what engenders these feelings no one can hand you a map to your edge but a coaching relationship with someone who s extensively navigated their own and others offers a container in which what is currently unbearable within you can be welcomed and transformed venturing beyond our edge when faced with challenges our instinct is often to jump to action yet it s the work of identifying and exploring our edge that makes new behaviors possible every small increase in our ability to remain at our edge without retreating or shutting down frees up time and energy we d otherwise spend protecting ourselves from what we fear and expands our freedom to act differently by expanding the boundary of what we can accept armed with this newfound energy and freedom my clients become able to experiment with new strategies and behaviors like saying no instead of people pleasing trusting others instead of micromanaging and speaking their minds instead of playing it safe importantly the awareness and spaciousness they ve developed can turn every experience they have into a learning laboratory where each new action generates new data on their edges which in turn spurs a virtuous cycle of new observations reflections and experiments for growth my role here is to help my clients learn to learn because learning only happens if we notice and reflect on what s happening with the benefit of the coaching relationship we ve built together i help clients connect disparate experiences into illuminating patterns of behavior draw attention to and celebrate the ways they ve grown without even noticing and catch them when they lapse into old habits before the new ones they re developing have had a chance to settle at some point in our work together my clients catch themselves wanting to say what others want to hear and make the courageous choice to speak the truth they notice how fear makes up stories about why they can t have what they want and choose not to let that stop them they begin to relish challenging themselves to try new behaviors and welcome the feedback that they ll receive from others as valuable data for their growth as a coach one of the most gratifying experiences is realizing that my clients no longer need me there will be other edges for us to work on down the road but for now they ve outgrown the problem they began with many thanks to natalie rothfels for feedback on an earlier draft 1 gilbert ryle s the concept of mind 1949 argues that the ability to perform intelligent actions regarding x knowing how is not reducible to possessing accurate facts about x knowing that 2 david foster wallace s commencement speech at kenyon college in 2005 later published as this is water 2009 3 robert kegan calls this the subject object move in the evolving self 1982 where aspects of our understanding are shifted from being unconsciously embedded subject to being observable and examinable object 4 rainer maria rilke letters to a young poet 1929 share top latest no posts ready for more subscribe 2026 dalglish chew privacy terms collection notice start your substack get the app substack is the home for great culture this site requires javascript to run correctly please turn on javascript or unblock scripts