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Text of the page (random words):
l literally and figuratively and a little bit of me a part of me died that tragic day too i watch as the tide pulls away from me and i feel my life the one i thought i would have going out with it i let the cold salt water rinse my hands i am numb as willow and i make our way across what seems like a beach twice as long as before we hike back to the top of the bluff where i am overcome with disbelief at what i am doing here i scatter a few more ashes facing west knowing that i won t be letting go of anymore ashes for a while or maybe i ve let as much of him go as i can for now i have two more places to scatter ashes one is mt diablo a 10 mile climb and a 90 mile round trip ride from home bill trained on that climb dozens of times every year some of his cycling friends may choose to join me the other place is ouray colorado which is in the san juan mountains we spent a few days in ouray after we were in torrey i ve included some pictures of both locations yes i still have ashes left i am reserving some for family who decide to go to torrey and i will reserve some to keep with me at home few people understand why bill chose torrey you have to visit it to understand it doesn t have the jaw dropping sites of zion and bryce but the sites are awesome in their vastness varied hues and rugged terrain some know that bill preferred quiet places away from the pressures and expectations of city life he fell prey to the seduction of solitude most strongly during his first visit to torrey it was in this solitude that he began a search to understand himself who he was meant to be and to find meaning in everyday life this year it was my mission to let him rest in that place of contemplation where he felt so at peace while he was still alive in the solitude of my grief while overlooking this sacred place called torrey i found a little understanding and a lot of healing the pictures i took remind me that i have moved forward through some very difficult emotions that i have been on a journey to heal a journey to feel a journey to remember and i want others to remember too posted by andi at 12 04 pm 1 comment such a simple word some of you mentioned that it s been a long time since i posted anything yep i just have a hard time writing much that is upbeat right now so i stopped posting below is an abbreviated version of something i wrote four months after bill died it will be published in living with loss magazine next month i had to cut out a lot so they could fit it into the magazine but this is the longer version such a simple word speeding down the freeway and rushing toward the er s revolving door did not speed up the moment the waiting the knowing the dread of learning that you were dead learning as if i had to be taught what it meant that you were gone as if i needed a dictionary to comprehend the words he s dead as if i didn t have the intelligence to understand that you were dead nonetheless i learned that you were dead on a sunny autumn day from a pretty doctor with bloodshot eyes and a gentle voice that said he s dead class dismissed as if i learned what i needed to know about you being dead from those two words the doctor the nurse the officer they kept telling me explaining to me describing to me how you died i listened while watching from above my body shivering in a chair below rocking questioning crying and then nothing nothing but the glow of the stained glass window blurred in the corner of the chapel i dried my own tears with my trembling hand i called the family one by one my hand shaking like i was playing a tambourine as i said over and over he s dead i listened dry eyed to their sobs so far away wishing i too could cry not understanding why the tears had stopped not knowing it was normal i felt strong composed when they took me to you down the hallway to a small sterile room take as much time as you need she said how much time do people need first i saw your boots in a bag and envisioned you climbing poles i saw your computer on the floor and thought of you working at the table after dinner i saw your jeans cut open gown over your chest minor abrasions on your arms tube in your mouth just as she had warned tube in your mouth you looked so strong so healthy so alive except for the tube in your mouth avoiding the tube in your mouth i touched you as if you were alive asleep i felt your curls between my fingers the contours of your chest met my face as i collapsed from sobs patiently waiting behind my composure i caressed your arms and your face with the back of my hand trying to soothe away your gone ness i slid your rings one by one onto my fingers remembering the moments that made each one special around my wrist i fastened your watch still ticking the weight of its largeness a reminder of your touch your touch for sixteen years as i took these things methodically i realized i didn t understand that small word even a child can say dead such a simple word with so many complications easy to say hard to hear an explosion an indefinable sound an echo that singes the brain a sting and then numbness no feeling no pain i need you to sign some forms she said my tambourine hand met pen to paper with syncopated rhythm but no sound not even i could recognize the signature as my own but my hand kept on playing as i sat next to you it tried to find a rhythm for days i m still trying to find a rhythm without you dead he s dead someone else said again almost four months later i m still trying to believe it after funeral after thanksgiving after anniversary after christmas after new year s after valentine s day you re dead i know that i never knew being alone could be so crowded with things to do people to please places to go decisions revisions of everything that once was he s dead i said i said it to your friends i said it to your family i said it to the mail carrier to the vet the pharmacist and your co workers i said it to dozens of people you re dead i know that i read it on forms in reports in my journal yet i feel as if you re still alive you re just not here you re alive in pictures in sounds in thoughts in dreams until i remember he s dead the pretty doctor said it is easy to say but i m still learning what it means for you to be gone passed away for you to be dead i m still learning after all this time if only you were here to explain it to me i really don t understand what it means when i say he s dead maybe if i could touch you just one last time maybe i would understand i don t understand ashes or memorials or silence i don t understand that you re gone forever not even after 120 days of knowing posted by andi at 11 20 am 1 comment ted com my brother in law who is a doctor turned me on can t finish the sentence here to a great website www ted com soooooo worth it i was a little ok a lot unmotivated to check it out but it is very cool the first one you should watch is a stroke of insight it is about a neuroscientist s experience of having a stroke once she realizes she s having a stroke she realizes how incredibly cool it is that she is experiencing what she researches trust me it is 20 min well spent and there are so many more to watch and not enough time enjoy posted by andi at 11 13 am no comments wednesday may 16 2007 life within a life here is a recent journal entry about my experience with this ongoing grief process i ve heard grief described as a parallel life this is my take on it journal they don t want to hear it they don t really want to know what i m going thru if they really knew they would not know what to do and they would feel more helpless than they already feel more inadequate more tongue tied but not knowing what to say is okay really if only they would just acknowledge the fire that it s burning that it s hot that they can see me in the middle of it barely protected almost consumed i can only imagine that this is something like childbirth or what i think it would be like a pain that cannot be endured except for the fact that not to feel it would ensure death would i die if i didn t feel this pain no but to die sometimes it seems better not because of a reunion or an eternity or an incarnation but because it would stop it the pain the emptiness would stop it is a constant ache that attacks so many sides i cannot defend myself where are my friends they call and ask me how i am doing sometimes they talk about their lives their problems and don t even mention him as if i don t want to talk about him anymore i want to be a good friend so i listen but they are watching my life from at least the same distance that i am watching theirs a distance that protects them from the fire almost consuming me a distance that allows them to keep living their own lives like they are supposed to do at the end of the day i respect whatever they need to do to keep on living even if it doesn t include me where are his friends they are working parenting and riding their bikes challenging themselves to be better faster stronger for their next race or event they are living and maybe even grieving still in their own way at the end of the day i respect whatever they need to do to keep on living even if it doesn t include me but for me at the end of the day even after an exhilarating bike ride or time with friends often i find myself on the couch with a plate of fattening foods and a glass of wine to cushion my thoughts my memories as they fall randomly through my fingers like grains of sand struggling to catch every grain every memory every thought every anger every love every touch every everything tears fall impatiently angrily sadly yearningly i don t know if i cry because of what i do catch or because of what falls between my fingers there is so much to catch there is so much that falls i guess i should be thankful that there is so much to catch and that i even notice that which falls but there is no one to see it or appreciate it no one but me it s in this moment of what is caught and not caught this moment when the sand rests on my fingers or falls below that only i appreciate the value our life together it is a moment crowded with aloneness is this a gift is it a curse this life within a life that only i can live is it something i should beg others to share or just relinquish my hope of others joining me and understand that this grief is mine alone no one else can bare it no one else can own it no one else can understand it or experience it like i experience it i don t want this specialness where only i can understand my pain my emptiness i don t want this aloneness where it feels like only i can be my friend i am too weak for that but even in this weakness my strength seems to be enough to get me out of bed each day enough to smile to do at least a little exercise paperwork yardwork or housework and to look okay i look okay and say that i m okay to everyone who asks sometimes i say that it s hard but i m okay they look relieved as if i just said that everything is back to normal so at what point do i admit to drowning in this sorrow to drowning in grief to drowning in memories would anyone even hear my confession i don t admit these thoughts to others because they might think i m weak pitiful logically i know that it only feels like i am drowning it only feels like grief will kill me i am well acquainted with depression and its oceans of desert and i have learned that the cycles of feeling nothing and then everything at once does not have to overcome me or control me even when it feels like it so if i cling to what i know i must believe that this grief will not suffocate me even when the weight of his body in memories rests upon my chest in spite of this drowning feeling at the end of the day i want to gasp for air and find air i want to breathe and find another breath no matter how painful it might be because breath is life and life is purpose life alone must be enough reason for me to live whether i m walking through depression or through grief or both i want there to be a special reason why i am still here even if i never understand why he is not just finding air every few seconds is my opportunity to find reason in spite of the loss in spite of the pain even if i never understand why he died and i probably won t i know many reasons why he lived one of them being his gift of love to me this life within a life it is different it is ugly and very confusing right now but i must consider the possibility just the possibility that all life has value even the life of grief i must protect it nurture it and seek to understand its wisdom this life within a life is my life and everything is growing around it exponentially in comparison yet this grief this life within a life is growing too a growth only i can see a life only i can experience at my own pace and at the end of the day when my living room is crowded with my grief and me how blessed am i to have the privilege of drowning in an ocean of beautiful memories memories that are mine alone as long as i live posted by andi at 9 03 pm 7 comments wednesday march 14 2007 sorry have you ever become weary of someone who keeps doing something they ve promised not to do and then they say that they are sorry every time it puts us in an awkward place because most of us want to be forgiving but sometimes the routine can be tiresome and the sorry becomes meaningless the poem below is a result of a number of people who seem to have a lot of drama in their life right now a theme seems to be one person s inability to stay with the program and repeatedly saying sorry thinking that it makes up for everything so after listening to the drama from the other friend for the last two days i wrote this piece probably still in progress as the drama continues sorry bryan a little on the serious side so sorry really i m sorry sorry among sorries your sorries lay scattered like gravel among gravel where kindness blends with harshness where i m sorry means little to nothing anymore your sorries form a heap at the bottom of a landslide boulders among boulders falling randomly regardless of appearance or weight your sorries are an avalanche hiding and sliding past contours and views a trail of snow among snow a blank slate upon which to write more sorries but this time i m gone i m seeking a place where respect overshadows regret where ambiguity is given the benefit of the doubt where open minds do not close doors to change a place where sorries can be held in one hand a place where sorries are unique not an action following routine reactions that assume forgiveness i m seeking a place where sorries are so few and so perfectly set that they become precious stones for now your sorries continue to lay scattered like gravel among gravel boulders among boulders snow among snow consequently you wander alone inside a fortress of sorries a fortress filled with sand where you sift with a closed hand your reasons among reasons among reasons to say i m sorry posted by andi at 11 06 am 5 comments friday march 0...