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Text of the page (random words):
are also the helicopters we live a 2 minute drive from the hospital where joseph was born and died we didn t travel there by helicopter but every time i hear one fly over on it s way to the helipad there the trauma arises the flashbacks and the shakes i know there is some emergency going on to warrant a chopper in or out and i fear for whoever it is in the care of that hospital and i hope to god they don t come to grief those helicopter sounds are one of the big reasons i want to sell this house and move away they have a way of bringing on the pts i hold anger by god do i hold anger i don t want to but i know it s there i take it out on d he takes it out on me all the time i don t know any other way to be and that makes me feel even more angry i don t just have grief for joseph i have grief for my body my absent womb grief that i can t couldn t carry anymore children and so many have gone on to have another baby i know it doesn t take away from the pain of the death of a child but from what i see having another baby brings such healing i feel like i m kind of stuck in limbo grief also over that retched inquest and what we had to endure there what was brought up and what we had to listen to we had a huge year with the inquest finishing in may it was such a long process and so traumatic i can barely even explain myself my midwife hung me out to dry to protect herself the hospital of course got away with what they did to joseph and to me it happens all the time they do what they do to protect each other the coroner had a clear opinion of me there was adversarial bias and my family and i are were left gob smacked that an inquest can be run with such corruption and deception some days there it was honestly like living in the twilight zone i would be sitting there listening to people talk in great detail about the slow and violent death and dying of my son i would stare out the window take me to a happy place thinking how did i get here never would an answer come just that same question repeated over and over and over again what do i do appeal for another inquest on the grounds of adversarial bias as suggested by our barrister and solicitor request a judicial review of the coroner because of her conduct sue the hospital sue the midwife what would any of it do there s a known psychological timeline for families involved in medical malpractice usually by about the 2 year mark since the death of a loved one the family members will give up unable to emotionally go on needing to get on with their life try to gain some sort of closure hospitals know this and it s part of the reason why medical malpractice suits are dragged out for so long because inevitably family will drop cases or settle out of court it s also all so financially out of our reach to consider any of these options except maybe sue the midwife a legal firm would be all over that one for a no win no fee we would lose our house and be looking at the court process for a the very least another 5 years i ve often though what if i won the lottery what would i do then joseph s death and the following two years with that inquest process has absolutely destroyed our marriage i d be fighting the system on my own and i just don t have the strength i also know that there s no way i d want to be sinking so much money into such a corrupt system why pay for that money to buy a result i d be sinking as low as them and playing the same sordid game justice for joseph those three words have been my mantra going through that process i really thought if i said it all day every day if i manifested that justice then justice would come that those responsible would be held accountable that we would be apologised to and that nothing like this would happen to another family i thought if i prayed enough that wrongs would be righted we could never have him back and i would never be complete again but the truth would prevail and justice would be done i realised around the ending of that inquest that what i wanted wasn t going to come that the only way to really give joseph s life justice was love simple love love my boys love my family love my friends love my life forgiveness is another thing i don t know how i m ever going to get there ___________________________________ so tomorrow he would be 3 it feels like such a large number he really would be running with the big boys and totally getting in on the fun and the jokes friday the 13th was xavier s 8th birthday it is so hard having these birthdays so close together we cleared the back deck for his disco and pizza party and he had a bunch of school mates and a couple of cousins over the boys loved it there was a lot of joy that night so much joy and so much to be grateful for that i get to parent this incredible boy how lucky i am he s beautiful breathtakingly i can t even articulate i m so overcome with love for that boy and all of them of course oh my god on saturday we were preparing for a big family dinner to continue the celebrations the house was clean the deck re set the pot luck dish cooked every one brings a pot d had gone to pick up his mum and i was sitting on the back steps watching joseph s brothers they were outside playing quietly together laughing at some in joke of theirs i couldn t take my eyes off them and appreciate how well they all get along then i saw him or i felt him he felt really there but then the gap was huge as it always is does that make sense joseph being three he would be totally in on that joke he would get what they were laughing at i think he would have been wicked but charming and so so lovely i tapped in and found myself saying out loud where are you i hate to ask these questions or try to talk to him because the minute i do i m engulfed by longing and grief and nausea and all of it but i want to go there though i rarely do i stoically brush it off and tell myself out loud to move on self tough not much self care happy birthday my beautiful joseph gabriel you are loved beyond words and missed beyond worlds we ache for you and wish so much that you were here and i still can t believe that you re gone posted by kate at 12 10 am 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 23 august 2013 i feel sick i feel sick with grief i feel sick having to explain to joseph s brothers why i m crying why missing joseph makes me so sad sometimes i feel sick for all the families who have lost whole families in the syrian chemical weapons attack i ve seen worse images of what s been going on there images of children s bodies being pulled from rivers thrown in there like trash to send a message to the enemy bodies of mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters all before the latest images that have made the mainstream news i get footage from wake up on fb i m scared to click on links for fear of what i m about to see but i feel like there s some sort of obligation to watch yeah right from the comfort of my computer in my warm house sipping on my latte with my happy children playing in some other room i don t understand but i need to see this stuff but then i see this stuff and it makes me feel sick that such barbaric atrocities are happening in my world and there s nothing i can do about it what can i do about it how can i help maybe i should just look away because looking at just might bring me undone then i have thoughts sick thoughts like they are all better off not being here there souls are free and they don t have to keep surviving on this hell on earth they ve reached nirvana they ve reached heaven there is no more suffering for them i feel like telling my boys not to have children don t reproduce because fuck knows what kind of world they and their children will inherit by the time they are my age so just stop the family lineage now don t bother going on any further because this world is shit man i feel sick you know when the tears are just below the surface but you ve got to keep your shit together because you have to make the lunches drop the kids off at school and kinder all the while trying to hold off from completely losing your emotional shit that s how i feel today i don t feel like this everyday but i m heavy with it today i feel overwhelmed by it posted by kate at 10 56 am 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 23 march 2013 this is not normal life no this is not normal life not normal to have a baby die not normal to nearly die myself not normal to lose my womb and any chance of every carrying another child not normal to be feeling so fragile and angry and bereft and sad and crazy and depressed when it s over 2 years since his birth and death not normal to have to endure an inquest into his death that started a year after he died and has still not finished not normal to be totally abandoned and hung out to dry by my independent midwife so she can protect herself not normal to have my name in print with headlines like fatal choice not normal for a bereaved mother to be annihilated by my midwife s barrister in the court room all to protect her client not normal to say to myself every day that it defies belief that a midwife would treat her woman the way i have been treated would allow her barrister to assassinate me in the court process without standing up and saying enough i cannot allow this mother to suffer anymore i will not allow these things to be said not normal for a coroner to have an opinion before all witnesses have been heard not normal for a coroner to run an inquest with half the evidence missing is it normal to keep telling myself that his death is all my fault is it normal to keep telling myself that my few oldest and dearest friends have abandoned me because they believe that his death is all my fault that they want to say that to me but even they know that to say such a thing is just too cruel is it normal to be angry at them for not even calling over the last 6 months at least and ask how the inquest is going do i need support would i like them to attend do i need help with my kids is it normal to be so stubborn that i don t want to call them and tell them all of this because it shouldn t be up to me is it normal to have a million thoughts that i want to get out here every single day but have no idea of where to even start is it normal to not want to visit this place because of all the shiny happy people going on with their lives and having more children is it normal to want to block people because i can t bare to look at ultrasound photos and shiny happy stories about milestones and sitting up and weaning and baby wearing and breastfeeding and teething and walking and rashes and and and is it normal to be that shiny happy person over here in face f ck land really genuinely don t think me insincere if there s one thing i m not it s insincere and this f cking angry sad depressed fragile person i know we re in the thick of it i know that reliving joseph s death and dying day in and day out in court has been harrowing that it has made me more fragile than ever i know that having to relive this is damaging to me emotionally and psychologically i ve sat and listened to evidence about the global hypoxic assault to his brain i ve heard about the distress he would have been under i ve heard evidence that if i had have made different decisions then he would likely be here and i wouldn t be here i know that the bar table all have their own vested interests i know that the hospital is protecting itself at all costs i know that the midwife s legal team are protecting her i know that because we don t have the finance to pay for our own legal team that we are at a total disadvantage i know that we are living in a bubble and i hope that once this is all over there will be some sense of closure i also feel though that once that happens even more anger and frustration will arise and then i could go on with more about what i think is going on with this inquest but i fear for what i put in print and what might come of that i m censored i could write a book honestly i fantasise about hiring a brilliant investigating journalist to help me write that book and right all the wrongs that have happened throughout this process and there are so many wrongs this is not normal life posted by kate at 10 52 pm 11 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 31 october 2012 nothingness and everythingness i want to write but i can t i want to cut my face open and scratch my eyes out i want to paint my face dia de los muertos style then soak it with water and watch the face paint drip down my cut open face and down my neck i want to find a way to integrate the shiny happy face book me with the pathetic guilt ridden and totally lost baby lost mama i want to paint canvasses every day and knit and sew and cook and clean and get a part time job and be productive i want to stop pinning and start doing more i want to sell my house and make a tree change get off the grid where no one knows me create my own sovereign entity all lower caps be queen of my own queendom and never have to talk to anyone again ever even though i love talking to people love it just as long as it s not about my son what i want most of all in the whole wide world is to go back in time and change my pastfuture it s simple really i just want joseph back i still think he s there in another room can t that be a reality is it really that much to ask posted by kate at 12 47 am 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 05 october 2012 day 4 most treasured item he sits waiting each night i crawl into bed late very very late still almost 22 months after joseph s birth and death never before 1am i hope sleep will come sooner to me i lie on my left side right side of the bed and i hold this teddy close in the early days i would make sure that his head was above the covers because for some freaky reason i thought he would suffocate if his head was under the covers his head would always have to be up under my chin often times i would find him under the cover cuddle in and realise immediately that i was holding his feet instead of him being head up nope that s no good his head must be under my chin or i just can t get to sleep this teddy has sopped up many many tears some nights i would howl into the teddy wipe my nose and drift off into an emotionally spent sleep i ve never washed him ever my niece gifted this teddy to joseph when he was born the story goes that she wanted to visit me with this teddy and balloons saying congratulations it s a boy she was advised otherwise might not be a good idea my family knew that joseph wasn t going to make it i was oblivious i d just come out of icu and wasn t told the complete story of his situation for fear of what that might do to me my niece thought bugger that very choice words here this baby needs to be celebrated and damn it i will and she did thanks the gods that she did because ...