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Text of the page (random words):
he stove pouring it into shallow bowls set out nearby but at last the evening was over the father had fallen asleep into a drunken stupor over the kitchen table ed was holed up in his room with the latest victim of love who had come after supper john sat for a moment or two in the darkness of the tv lounge staring at his reflection in the silenced dark television then rose and slipped into his bedroom the magazine had a high gloss to it although it was words on paper and captured images like any zine john lay on his bed and flipped through it absently he was told these men were beautiful so were horst will and craig however all muscular with well combed hair and big vacant smiles it was surface the surface of an alien world that might contain wonders but also menace normalcy and respectability were the keywords to be like conrad black successful well attired generally arrogant and self absorbed was the goal to shoot for one had to show seriousness by taking part in what john viewed as a sick joke barbra streisand judy garland jayne mansfield why did a sub group claiming interest in the masculine cling to long dead physically and or artistically female icons he was not necessarily disapproving of this phenomenon just wondering and questions did seem welcome in this area why these ones had culture ceased to develop around 1969 when those unacceptable stereotypical sexist that label should burn in the mouths of the hypocrites who spoke it drag queens had rioted and allowed ahistorical jerks years later to deride them in their publication what of patti smith what of poly styrene if anything the alleged interest the queer community had in breaking down stereotypes which unfortunately tended to mean marginalizing non conformists with greater efficiency than the straight world practiced should have driven them to these women their entire body of work fought for the importance of self and finding one s place within oneself as well as without in any war between the two within had to win but it was not always possible to survive that battle john went over to the record player he had inherited from his sister and put his battered copy of horses on to land patti chanted about the hallway the boy the angel and the fight fucking as john lay there in the dark and held his arms around himself tightly protection a pinning in the needle leapt across the record and stabbed down hard john briefly entranced by the chanting and the throbbing music returned to full consciousness up there there is a sea a sea of possibilities patti chanted as various other tracks of her voice intoned words john had never heard clearly tonight though he still did not hear the actual sub texts he began to think it may have been contradictions and doubts and influences that colour even the most assured work of art life it is necessary to listen to these voices for they might be your own reflected back at you through the headphones as you make the record you will leave behind it is not essential to do what they say but to ignore them is to miss fragments of wisdom or those who are speaking your language frantic now patti was screaming about the sea of possibilities john squeezed his eyes tight both to hide the tears he had been well trained and to see the inside for eyes open wide may miss the internal vista for the ugliness and beauty that lie without he started to quietly whisper there is a sea a sea of possibilities there is no land but the land ah pretty boy can t you show me nothing but surrender yes written in fire on the wall by timmybear at 9 14 a m no comments november 12 2013 a short story of mine from the mid to late 1990s lesley gore doesn t live here anymore you would cry too if it happened to you i am in bed i should be at work but as i am not i will listen to lesley gore on the end table radio i admire how it s my party is occupied by the interpreter until she is virtually the author of its defiant sorrw it is a rare skill ella fitzgerald had it perhaps or ann without it i might not have awakened though i set my alarm for 6 30 and was given satisfaction which i would normally like yet i pillowed my head only to receive walk away renee for no one and she s leaving home irony is alive and well in radio programming it is over i should rise to face the day as my class depends on my and pays for my questionable assistance collaboration for regular meaningless lives and chances to mock the conventions of renaissance verse said derision being filtered through their laughably simplistic assumptions but that is too easy an irony to use outside a sitcom sometimes i agreed with them though i tried to concentrate on the art involved today the required distance for that is far away as is the floor the bathroom the kitchen the university and her name is her name is her name is her name is g l o r i a gloooooooriaaaaaa with a deft snap of the button and a disturbing snap of the knees i am up i am clean in the semi fogged bathroom mirror as life is not a stock comedy i am bald beardless fifty fat and arguably fatuous rather than wild haired stubbled thin adolescent and terrified like the child i imagine i should be feeling like inside still somehow i cannot bear the dissonance silence a voice should be in the kitchen telling me to hurry i paid there puddling the floor and turn the radio to another station for cross talk seeing things we used to do they think of you i sit and watch as tears go bye uh i uh i this tie does not go with the chosen shirt how taut to pull also the knot is too tight dismiss that thought i struggle with the noose until it is loose enough for me to breathe it does not do to embrace random despair it is cheating on life with death looking among my clean clothes for a better shirt i find a pocketed note my pastel garment not personally purchased nearly another s needing absence s permission to put on therefore it is impossible to wear anymore i cannot throw out the message so i place it on the dresser near an outdated family photograph because every time i see your picture i cry and i learn to get over you one more time my stations rarely play canadian content or the recent past i have not heard properly or someone has made a terrible mistake i terrible mistake badly ironic poetic like a frustrated english teacher author on which point leonard cohen s narrator bemoaned not comparing anne s eyes to the sun until her departure the parallel fails i did compose odes to my ann s body bathroom come on take it take another little piece of my heart now baby to work where colleagues take up torment s duties kitchen do you know how to pony like bony marony do you know how to twist it goes like this goes like this these musical strains cruelly invoke a dancing sex partner out i must have grabbed the note before leaving the house as it is on the dashboard a smoking gun raven deathly figure device of plot i will not dwell on ann i must make mind as homeless as body i roll down a window to admit air the paper drifts to my lap and tries to open but i toss it near the brake coincidence is fine but it must know who is boss you better stop look around here it comes here it comes here it comes here it comes here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown obvious and not unexpected common sense says i should be able to deal with grief and being left by women my course deals with such things and my early life was touched by them rationality whispers pull to the side of the road i cannot see for moisture from the wind in my eyes the person who conceived logic invented its comrade suicide i am not presently aware of how the note returned upwards did i pick it up has the breeze of fate struck am i an unreliable narrator who never dropped it coincidence has climbed the corporate ladder in leaps as i am not going anywhere i will look at the message even for the hanging victim suspense must end the note must have been shirted a long time ago it has been laundered nearly illegible had ann typed it this might have been avoided or reduced i tried to tell her so in the past but she informed me she was not my student anymore to my knowledge learning never stops february 24 25 dear james i wanted to speak but you lost me in profundity i do not need lectures james i attended yours and could not be heard even then i am not presently aware your phrase implies resources available but temporarily inaccessible denies fallibility why i illegible d you if i did you despise clichés but we started as young woman older professor this game continues so it may be mutual distortion you do not live love me but an idea of me for and to myself i am a human being am i a plot device to you with no rule role who projects at cocktail parties that you are illegible suggest loved who fixes you up before events i am not invited to do i extend exist outside that to you i will not be muse or whore i must be complicated infuriating reassuring loving raging or not be at all it is clear you want a selection but are not sure which in the case and in your stead though it is not a matter in which you have a choice i choose none and all we want appeal to our divinely profane bodies as well as to our souls and minds you have no passion james even for learning i have tried to teach you i do not wish to face my failure s consequences mine at last ann i would fail an undergraduate who attempted to pass such drivel off i start the car and go forward in the required direction this is why i found an early empty house yesterday i was angry enough at that betrayal but rejected with self indulgence and intellectualized hatred or pity she should have been dramatic or crass i might have listened to her complaints then i cannot notice everything existence is no heavy handed book with clearly marked conflict denouement is not much easier to spot except with sick dread as gravity and inertia take their toll static then i cover my ears i close my eyes i still hear your voice and it s telling me l i i uh i s i have crossed a reception barrier i listen to country briefly then spin the dial i do not believe feel i am guilty of the accused things but i am an unreliable narrator and truth is endangered in my care and what of ann s care was it correct to suffer me in silence i had no mirror what good was one warped or broken by design meant to break as though struck by a shotgun blast leaving shards in my heart plainness is needed before ornamental turns become nooses turns i have missed mine the road less travelled stretches long one way unswerving no homes no one to see no vehicles no one to hit and create ambiguous intentions but no one to stop me either it is just empty highway it is no symbol of anything james the part of my mind which does not believe in portents tells me so contradicting the portion which feels doomed and open to consciously chosen leitmotifs we write the story of our lives even if society s blue pencil hovers nearby to frustrate in aid s name ann might be impressed this grief does not feel stylized to me though qualifiers must be born e in mind i pull over i must not be accosted by concern law or order you don t own me i m not just one of your many toys coincidence and conspiracy have come to lesley gore s least successful hit until recently i thought it her most admirable i never claimed to own ann but a portion of a relationship i thought termination would have been difficult but given effort it might have seemed beneficial in the end conceded i thought i owned her by distancing myself from those boorish bastards who beat belittle and banish their wives i neglected to notice i was treating ann as my intellect s exclusive property the glove compartment is stuffed overfull and pops open fate s fickle finger working into me well ann has left something behind to remember her by to leave an impression deep in my head she never felt safe alone in the care now neither do i i hid e behind irony sarcasm and fate an author man coward i view ed the world as myself extended an author coward i believe d others accept ed this premise and w a s m reluctant to conceive rejection a man coward i cannot live having been told where to place these truisms i am a coward suicide is noble and required i am a n author man coward here on this route to the future though it may end abruptly at a field meant and designed to be enlivened by waste and death with no evidence anyone shall follow it to eventuality i shall from my point of view put an end to events i hope you suffer me once more ann if you hear of this spite is something of which i did not think myself capable one is constantly surprised by what one can do so to speak constancy is not in the cards for me the gun is virtually invisible in my huge grasping hand no art high or low be it novel painting song or even film has prepared me for its intrusive icy snub nose against my suddenly damp temple skin he blew his mind out in a car he didn t notice that the lights had changed at this late date i would like to change my mind not that i am not about to if i may be permitted gallows morgue humour pop music is today s literature barren and humble at first swelling to a pregnancy of meaning and an arrogance in its knowledge of the soul it is a moment of waking into joy from a nightmare before one realizes that the dream of desertion was real blurring the purpose and the existence of rising at all it is a spiritual ode to a wife lusting for a physical touch it is a drive on a deserted road a gun in the glove compartment when one hopes for needs company a map to fulfillment and or through emptiness it is fate s heavy hands around the blood burdened heart will it never stop squeeze it has written in fire on the wall by timmybear at 11 35 a m no comments april 28 2013 the fall record day store 2013 7 written in fire on the wall by timmybear at 12 42 p m no comments march 14 2013 mort the leech short story in progress noah had been sitting shiva for his departed mother for seven days so given the darkened nature of the house both emotionally and literally as well as the covered mirrors and the fact that he was alone as the sole survivor of the family it was not surprising he did not notice the intruder until the man literally announced himself hi noah a naggingly familiar voice said startling him to the point he fell off the admittedly slippery plastic covered sofa of course given that he had barely eaten or slept for seven days since his mother had had few friends left other than the rosenberg twins down the road who had brought company and food that were not especially appetizing though it would have been impolite to say so at such a time he was on edge and easily surprised noah got up off the floor and turned to face the voice instinctively if not very correctly pulling together his torn shirt given the fact he had a visitor albeit possibly a criminal and at the very least suspicious one and you would be noah said though even as he did his squint penetrated the slightly twil...