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description=A daughter s attempt to deal with her mother s glioblastoma (brain cancer). She has since died, but the blog is still updated.;

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Text of the page (random words):
nyway so i spoke to my doctor who put me back on birth control and in a moment it was all gone i didn t want to leave anymore i didn t feel like sophie was better off without a mother at all i didn t feel like i made a mistake anymore i didn t cry whenever she woke up in anticipation of her own crying feeding her wasn t a chore anymore and then sophie smiled and laughed and my heard skipped a beat as it has been doing on a daily basis since my hormones got sorted out i m not going to pretend that it s all easy now it isn t but i know that what i feel now is completely normal and completely ok this is one of the hardest posts i ve ever written if not the hardest but i wanted all of my friends who are pregnant and who will one day be pregnant to know what i went through so that if it happens to them too they know that it happened to their friend and not just a celebrity rate this share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print more share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading april 12 2012 dear mom i m a mom posted by dofc under brain cancer brain tumors death and dying family cancer support gbm glioblastoma personal tags brain cancer brain tumors cancer cancer survivors crying death and dying family cancer support glioblastoma grief letter to mom mourning process tears terminal cancer things i ll miss out on things she ll miss out on 1 comment hi mom it s been a while since i ve written on the blog as opposed to the previous times that i have delayed posting because i was crying too much or didn t want to cry this time a tiny 3 320 kilo person has delayed my post best excuse ever i d like to introduce you to my brand new daughter sophie rachel perez yes her middle name is yours she was born on february 28 a couple of weeks early a week before she was born the boy made me go to the doctor because i had some pain the night before turns out it was actual contractions and i was 1 3 of the way through so i was sent to the hospital the boy joined me at the hospital and while baby s heartbeat was being monitored i suddenly started shaking i was freaked out both at the concept of having a baby whom i am expected to keep alive and the fact that you wouldn t be here for any of it it s not that i would have had you in the delivery room with me or maybe i would have who knows it was never an option it would be like asking me if i would prefer boxers to briefs but it wasn t meant to be that day and as my due date approached i couldn t help but feel that i was going to give birth early you see 2 weeks before i was due was to be the three year anniversary of your death from the moment i found out i was pregnant and that i most likely conceived on your wedding anniversary i kept having a feeling that baby was going to come very close to that date a week after the previous hospital visit after my regular doctor s appointment i was sent to the hospital and was induced 12 hours after getting to the hospital she came within seconds i was transformed into a parent it was without a doubt the weirdest feeling in the world i can t describe it somehow i was able to focus completely on this absolutely awesome family that just formed and i thought of no one except baby and the boy the next few days were a blur as were the first days at home where i was mainly amazed that i was expected to keep a tiny person alive with less training than i had on our washing machine but 6 weeks later i am beginning to feel the impact of your absence it s so incredible to me how things change in a moment i was transformed into a mother with the same ease and incomprehensible speed with which i was orphaned i didn t wonder how you felt when i was born it was obvious to me that you must have felt the same insane range of emotions that i felt but what about everything else did you cry did you feel incompetent did you feel abandoned by almost everyone and everything you know did you ever feel like a bad mother i can t possibly know i couldn t have possibly felt more loved by you but this is some of what i am faced with now and i wish you were to tell me i m doing ok it doesn t matter how many friends tell me i m a good mother i don t believe them how would they know you would tell me the truth and since you know me better than anyone i would believe you or not how would i know boxers or briefs luckily for you and us you did have a chance to be a grandmother and pass on some advice to my sister she in turn passes some on to me i think of it as by proxy parenting sophie looks sooo much like you me she has your my smile and your my facial expressions she has the funniest facial expression when i take the bottle out of her mouth the same one that you had except on you it wasn t funny it was your expression when we fed you when you were dying when she looks at me with that expression i am overwhelmed with awe and love for her and sadness and aching for you i can t separate the two from each other i m happy she looks like you because it gives the affirmation of your presence but it s so hard to be her mother sometimes through no fault of her own other than dna furthermore as i suspected i indeed gave birth in very close proximity to the third anniversary of your death i was released from the hospital on the day of your memorial if that isn t the circle of life i don t know what is rate this share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print more share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading january 28 2012 changing the concept of the capitalized word mom posted by dofc under brain cancer family cancer support personal tags brain cancer brain tumors cancer survivors death and dying grief pregnancy things i ll miss out on things she ll miss out on 18 comments my friend and coworker recently approached me at work put her hands on my now large belly and said how s mom my immediate reaction was still dead after 10 seconds which seemed like 10 years i suddenly realized that she meant me i was going to be mom don t get me wrong i m not in denial that i m pregnant or about to have a baby in about 6 5 weeks give or take i m so excited and absolutely in love with everything happening with my body even though as maroon 5 said it s getting harder and harder to breathe i m excited and scared and can t wait for baby to come and not ready for her at all but i guess i didn t think of the verbal repercussions of this life altering event for most women when they become mothers the capitalized word mom suddenly has two meanings them and their mothers in my case though it s just me i m not sure how to make the 100 switch as opposed to joining and sharing the title this is probably the hardest post i ve written not emotionally but expressively i can t quite figure out how to put into words what i am thinking this coming from the girl who owns a t shirt that says i m talking and i can t shut up and i ve earned that shirt fair and square of course i think about my mom a lot now though i have had very few breakdowns to the point where i fear that i haven t dealt with it enough now that baby is so close to coming i wish i could share with her everything going on and my fears to which she would say that i m being silly and of course i ll be a good mom and of course everyone says that my family my friends etc but i don t feel reassured i probably wouldn t believe her either but for some reason hearing her say it would be different than everyone else saying it maybe because she would probably tell me if i would suck and no one else would when i found out i was pregnant and it had actually sunk in i suddenly began to cry one day out of the blue i was asked by a coworker who walked by what happened and i said nothing i just wish my mom were alive so i could tell her and she said i need to find someone to replace her she didn t mean it in a bad way she meant someone i could go to who i could talk to and ask questions i do have great people in my life including my mother in law who i trust blindly but you can t replace telling your own mother you are pregnant i couldn t find the words to explain to her how i felt and what i meant much like now a friend told me about her mother who wants to be in the delivery room with her and asked me if i would agree i have no idea when my mom died i couldn t even fathom being in a relationship much less be married and with a child and with her gone i can t even imagine what i would want at this point it would be like asking me if i would wear boxers or briefs it isn t a situation i have ever nor will i ever be in so i can t even venture a guess it s unbelievable to me that i am not sharing this incredible experience with my mom but i can t imagine what it would be like to share it with her either i look at pictures of her it s easier than it was at the beginning though i still haven t gotten rid of the images from the last year of her life and i try to imagine how she felt and what she thought when she was expecting me i am the oldest sometimes my sister can share stories with me that our mom told her but it doesn t change the fact that they aren t coming from her in a few weeks time i will start calling myself mom my to a tiny little person who i will be expecting to keep alive i won t be alone in any way i have the most amazing husband who thinks these 9 months are way too long and great sisters and incredible in laws who i know i can count on 100 but it doesn t change the fact that i will still be missing someone huge the other mom who should be there too sharing the capitalized word with me rate this share this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print more share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading december 10 2011 dear mom i m married posted by dofc under brain cancer brain tumors death and dying gbm glioblastoma personal tags brain cancer cancer survivors crying death and dying family cancer support glioblastoma letter to mom mourning process tears terminal cancer things i ll miss out on things she ll miss out on what i m thankful for 9 comments hi mom it s been a while since i ve written my last post when i just got engaged pretty much described everything leading up to the wedding i survived it all and even had a great time a lot of people have been talking to me about it asking me how it went so here s the list of what i thought i wouldn t survive and what ended up happening you won t be there for me to tell you i am engaged you weren t but i survived you won t be there to help me with the preparations but grandma came with me to be fitted for the dress the first time the seamstress offered her a job my baby sister the second and my good friend the third shanainai tied it for me and everything i survived your name will be listed as z l deceased on my wedding invitation or is it not supposed to be listed at all i have no idea a non issue we didn t list any parents on the invite we just made the invitation from us that was easy i survived you won t be at the signing of the ketubah neither was any other female if anything you were there but i wasn t i didn t even know when it happened survived you won t be walking down the aisle grandma went with me instead the rabbi suggested it and i loved the idea so did she definitely survived you won t be under the chuppah with me grandma was but then again so were you i know it was you that made that wind blow and knock everything over definitely survived you won t be beaming down at me ever no but there s nothing i can do about that i guess i accepted it so i survived the truth is the most stress i had about and from the wedding was that i was afraid of the attention i was hoping no one would mention you when they saw me and thankfully just about no one did other than a few of the elderly but i had that invisible pretend you are someone else wall up and it worked perfectly in fact everything went very smoothly from the planning which i hated but i would have hated it if you were here too to be fair all the way through the wedding i had more offers of help than i knew what to do with and the boy and i knew what we wanted and wouldn t let anyone bully us into something we didn t want to do well we did invite a few people i didn t want to invite but the boy was right it wasn t worth the fight i had the sleeves from your dress removed and the back opened up with a corset type thing to tie it with and the dress ended up being great i would have preferred to be a few pounds lighter but who wouldn t dad s best friend growing up actually asked me at the wedding if it was your dress he somehow remembered your dress from 36 years before i m so happy i got to wear it there were a few times where i felt i missed out on the choosing a dress part of the wedding but the truth is it doesn t matter who wouldn t rather wear their mother s dress if it was as gorgeous as it is there were times where i would suddenly think i can t believe my mom danced in this and ate in this and got married in this i thought it would make me cry but i loved it by the way i hope you didn t take it personally that i changed clothes when we were dancing i was just jealous of the boy and wanted to be part of the t shirt fun too the wedding itself went by in a second and a half like everyone said it would i survived the family picture taking mostly because people were already coming so i just wanted it to be over the reception was great and the hike to the chuppah was a lot of fun after a brief 10 minutes when we couldn t find grandma she appeared and the ceremony started it was the fastest 10 minutes of my life i felt like an actress playing a part just i was surrounded by people i love instead of random actors and stand ins at one point the rabbi said that jewish tradition says that 3 generations back come to visit at the chuppah and that we have to mention your absence i swear he could have been talking about sauerkraut if you were to judge by my reaction i can t believe how calm i was the only time a few tears fell down my face was when i heard grandma sniffling beside me of course the boy is amazing and took me hand the second he heard it just to beam some extra strength into me which worked of course and then she asked when do we kiss already so ...