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Text of the page (random words):
hat would shock the world more than this so let this be a lesson to you when you do something as awful as this i m watching if i m not lounging poolside with a mai tai or eating at a three michelin star restaurant or if i can be bothered wish you were here gawd leave a comment posted in uncategorized tagged allah middle east dear evangelicals posted on 2 october 2018 leave a comment dear evangelicals look we ve been over this before i m all for you shoving me down everyone s throats metaphorically speaking but your plan to make the usa a theocracy with donald trump in charge is fueling my wroth or is it wrath in any case give it a rest first off there s no room in trump s head for any gawd but trump and you know how i feel about that sort of thing second and much more importantly theocracies and dictatorships are shitty places to vacation ever wonder why the lord your gawd doesn t visit iran or north korea their service industry is crap three quarters of the wait staff at their hotels are cowering in fear and the other quarter are spying on them that leaves no one to make me bespoke cocktails to sip poolside also i ve got a secret for you even republican jesus hates your boy trump don t get me wrong he s all for crushing the poor and the brown beneath his heel he s all for ignoring the plight of women and making the rich richer it s just that trump looks so idiotic doing it being associated with him makes republican jesus seem incompetent and if there s one thing he s certainly competent at it s stiffing the little guy plus i have a real aversion to classlessness i mean come on the orange taste goblin will probably have himself covered in gold leaf when he dies the only place i can stand gold leaf is at the savoy bar and that only because they have a secret cocktail menu just for me so anyway just stop already we all know that hippie jesus makes your skin crawl with all that help the poor and turn the other cheek crap but making trump a theocratic dictator just to own lib jesus is a step too far believe me if you fuck up my vacation plans there will be consequences lightning floods and i dunno rains of grog or something something you won t like i can guarantee that glad you re not here gawd leave a comment posted in uncategorized dear epa posted on 8 august 2018 leave a comment dear epa i hear you re bringing back asbestos and i don t know whether to smite you or pat you on the back on the one hand cancer is my schtick on the other hand since i m on vacation maybe it s a good thing to farm out some of the death and destruction i mean how can i give people asbestosis pleural disease and mesothelioma at the same time i m getting a massage at a 5 star hotel spoiler alert omnipotence or not smiting people who are dumb enough to breathe around asbestos interferes with my cocktail hour on the third hand that s a little shout out to shiva maybe people ought to be thankful to you and me both you should start pushing that on myspace and twitter and whatever else you guys use these days point out the fact that kids pajamas won t burst into flames while they re getting chemo now how you re helping people tone up their flabby lungs by solidifying them show that the guys trump hand picked to run the epa are owning the libs by huffing asbestos in other words make cancer causing lemonade out of the lemons you ve been dealt that reminds me i think i ll have the cabana boy bring me a limoncello deity ing is thirsty work even on vacation where was i oh right talking about killing people what a walk down memory lane anyway the more i think about it the more i like the idea of you taking some of the killing off my hands it really is more work than i can be bothered with and you guys seem to be on the job anyway from lowering air quality standards to bringing back leaded gasoline you can use that one no need to attribute me just pay me tribute you know what i mean to denying climate change which by the way keep doing i ve got a lot of money tied up in future seaside property it s all doing the lord s work which keeps me from having to do it so keep up the good work i guess and remember if you need anything anything at all don t hesitate to fuck off i m on vacation wish you were here gawd leave a comment posted in politics tagged trump s epa dear donald posted on 24 july 2018 leave a comment dear don i don t tweet myself but i do follow you for shits and giggles let me tell you your latest tweet to iran made me sit up in my poolside lounge chair at the four seasons i nearly spilled my mai tai it was masterful while most serious onlookers are now convinced that you are not only a demented narcissistic man baby they re beginning to believe that you are a dangerously deranged demented narcissistic man baby i d do that finger kiss thing that the italians do but i have suntan lotion all over my hands in case you ve already moved on to your next diatribe and can t remember it here is your iran masterpiece i must say you remind me of a young me i m no slouch in the over the top threat department myself remember when i threatened to kill all but eight people on earth by drowning every other man woman and child or how about when i threatened genocide to amalek do not spare them but kill both man and woman child and infant ox and sheep camel and donkey i said or ooh ooh remember when i threatened to smite egypt yeah i used to be a lot more hands on but and i say this in a helpful way there s a big difference between your threats and my threats can you spot it you probably can t because you re having an aid read this to you while you admire yourself in a hand mirror so i ll help you the difference is i deliver you might have threatened to sue everyone from your trash collector to the people who made that trump baby balloon you might have threatened to fire everyone who ever smiled at obama but when i threaten someone they die a horrible undeserved death noah s little baby nephew died choking on rainwater the furry little amalek sheep had their adorable faces smashed in the pharaoh s teen aged son internal organs turned to mush admittedly i can t be bothered anymore because i m enjoying my vacation too much but i used to stomp through the middle east smashing my metaphorical boot down on the necks of any me damned body i wanted but you you re being too wishy washy let me give you some advice that will probably be even more appropriate once mueller gets to you just like in prison you ve got to pick out the biggest bad ass in the joint and just go ape shit on them head butt them shiv them bite their testicles whatever it takes to convince everyone that you re not the weak nelly that voice in the back of your head keeps telling you you are normally i d advise you to attack whoever attacks you to set an example but i know i can t convince you to attack your boss vlad so since you ve already made the threat you re going to have to come down on president rouhani like a ton of bricks i know your style runs more along the lines of opening a casino in the country going bankrupt and then trying to sue rouhani after he laughs at you but this is no time for half measures i m talking genocide think the untouchables they threaten you whether they actually did or not you bomb the country to glass you need to atomize babies irradiate puppies make goats glow in the dark you ve got to show people that not only can you talk like an insane parrot you can act like one then once every man woman and child in the country is radioactive ash blowing on the wind maybe people will forget about your treason wish you were here gawd leave a comment posted in uncategorized dear trump staffers posted on 11 july 2018 leave a comment dear victims it has recently come to my attention that you ve been having a spot of bother apparently some people think you re monsters go figure i was glad to see that you re effectively fighting back though by making tactically and strategically sound choices like throwing your own food in the garbage to own those dirty libs it kind of reminds me of the time i threw out my filet mignon avec sauce bernaise to own the people of the plains that showed those iron chariot having bastards you want to know who else knows a little something about being martyred my boy jesus no not hippie jesus haha he s just a whiny socialist i m talking about my other boy republican jesus and his downtrodden followers his favorite country the united states is being overrun by socialists commies snowflakes cucks brown people and my new chosen people the atheists why he s barely hanging on america only has the largest christian population on earth and the government is barely a majority of hardcore republican jesus advocates you see what i mean he s a victim just like you but what i m really concerned about is that rich powerful people are being jeered out of restaurants while you individually mean less than nothing to me the possibility that i might walk into cipriani or some other expensive eatery and be chided fills me with anger and confusion as i know you understand not only am i better than everyone because i m me i m better because i m rich shout out to all my brand loyalists who tithe this will not stand something must be done personally i m too busy lounging beachside at the mauna kea beach hotel with a mimosa in my hand to address this shocking problem myself that s why i m going to need you to keep fighting the good fight when a bartender tells you your mother should have thrown you away and kept the stork buy their priciest bottle of wine and pour it down the crapper when the waiter at norma s greets you and says there s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation can t cure order the zillion dollar lobster frittata and pop it in the potty when the salespleb at tiffany co admits that she could never learn to like you except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight buy a couple of rings and plop them in the pisser when you re strolling through the park wondering why all the dogs run from you and someone states to their neighbor that you love nature in spite of what it did to you stomp through a pile of dogshit in your socks and flush your shoes down the nearest loo when the concierge at the ritz carlton points out that you have delusions of adequacy pay for the penthouse suite but stay at the motel 6 on the other side of town and sleep in the lavatory when the air waitress in first class confides that she s learned of your illness and hopes it s nothing trivial chew up your ticket and flush yourself down the can and that you poor suffering saints is how to own the libs wish you were here gawd leave a comment posted in uncategorized dear jeff sessions posted on 18 june 2018 leave a comment dear jeff first of all i want to be clear that although a great many citizens of my chosen country think of you as a racist keebler elf i couldn t be more happy with you your cartoonish tiny little face makes me chuckle every time i see it i was just relaxing poolside at a tasteful hotel in the dessert or is it desert me damn it now i m hungry for a slice of double chocolate truffle layer cake it s a good thing my brand loyalists the christians keep diligently forking over the cash to keep me in expensive hotels and eating expensive cake anyway i was sort of half paying attention to the tv in the lobby when i saw your adorable white supremacist punim smirking out at me so i had a half dozen cabana boys carry my lounger in to hear what you had to say if i weren t on perpetual vacation i would hold a press conference to publicly agree with you i mean fuck those kids right the little ankle biters never tithe into my vacation fund and that alone is enough to chap my nips add into the mix the appalling fact that airlines allow the stunted snot rags into first class where they re always crying or kicking the back of my seat and i couldn t care less if you stick em in concentration camps even your blatant bigotry helps my situation personally i don t care what color you are as long as you give me a big chunk of your ready cash but imagine those desperate parents frantically shoving pesos into the collection plates it would be enough to bring a tear to this old god s eye except that it might make my sunscreen run however you might not have gone far enough by just making it clear you re going to enforce the law by dragging children from their parent s arms and then probably losing them i think we can really wring more dinero from the disgustingly weepy parents if you follow my lead more closely here are a few more bible ideas to get your creative juices flowing straight up wack their first born nothing turns the brand loyalists further my way than a little personal loss bears keep a couple of bears handy for when the kids laugh at your little dried apple face this one might take even you aback for a second but hear me out two words human sacrifice sacrifice a few daughters to something that you worship like the kkk or nathan bedford forrest finally if the lefties put up too big a fuss just titus andronicus their asses you can drink their salty commie tears once you ve made em eat their own kids there giving you ideas is starting to feel almost like actual work so i m gonna sign off remember if you need me i m on vacation so leave me alone wish you were here gawd leave a comment posted in uncategorized i m back what s been going on posted on 7 june 2018 leave a comment many of you may wonder where i ve been for the past eight years not to mention the 6 000 before that and the answer is of course 1 on vacation 2 nunya business and 3 fuck off how you like that answer it s like the trinity three things that are also one thing separate but equal i see there s a new potus some people are saying he was chosen by me those people are as always delusional don t get me wrong i couldn t care less that you re saddled with an ignorant orange bloated racist narcissistic gasbag it minds not me that he talks like a plate of beans negotiating it s way through the digestive tract of a hog it s no skin off my divine nose that there is medical waste floating down the ganges river that would make better presidents than him the fact is i care a great deal more for my mid morning gin and tonic than i do for you or anyone you know oh and the tithing i care about the tithing of course i ve had chosen people from time to time the pogroms and persecution and such are real knee slappers i like watching that even more than dancing with the stars the jews used to be my chosen people but once they got israel back and started giving the oppression instead of taking well they just quit being fun i thought about making the palestinians my new chosen people but they kind of depress me to be honest then i thought maybe the lgbt folks but they ve been oppressed since i published my first book and i wanted to mix things up a bit so i made the atheists my chosen people no large scale persecution yet but i ve got my fi...