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very decent it s about what i was making before my last promotion at the old place and the commute is about the same as the old place it s two stops more on the train and maybe two more blocks of walking at the other end so that s all good even better though the newboss is very very excited to have me on board obviously given that s he turned cartwheels to get the references and everything else done in less than a day i start in two weeks so the vacation is nearly over i have had time to do some nothing and i ll have some more time to do that basically i will have spent what is usually the worst part of the winter hanging out in my apartment with loaner cat and i have ended up in a job where people are enthusiastic about what i bring to the table it s a bit of a whirlwind i really didn t think it would work out this well or this quickly and especially not well and quickly together go figure and hey i still have a freezer full of veggies and an active sourdough starter and a cleaner apartment well that one needs some revisiting i m going to try to get a new faucet next week and i might be able to get the fabric to make a curtain for the kitchen window and then i ll be set for a bit i m trying to not get too excited much as i tried not to get to anxious but i m permitting myself a day or two of happy dancing for sure posted by narya at 1 50 pm 2 comments labels work sunday january 29 2012 stuff damn i am exhausted today and not just because of the copious amounts of wine that got consumed last night i invited my downstairs neighbor up for pasta with venison bolognese sauce friend came along as well and yesterday i ended up making two kinds of crackers whole wheat and a rosemary flatbread white bean dip with a buttload of garlic a shallot that needed to be used up and some sage a sharlotka from smitten kitchen a blueberry caramel sauce to drizzle on the sharlotka the aforementioned bolognese sauce though i had to use red wine instead of white because it turned out i didn t have any white wine a batch of sourdough wheat bread with cracked wheat added to it and a batch of fresh pasta which i managed to screw up luckily i had some dried so no big deal and i mopped up the cat hair and cleaned up the bathroom a bit the crackers were interesting the flatbread was pretty good but needs a bit of tweaking a bit more salt perhaps and probably a lot more rosemary the wheat crackers had a nice flavor but the dough was a complete pain in the ass to work with when i made the white bean dip i put in what i thought was way too much garlic which isn t really possible for me but not everyone has my tolerance for garlic so i took another can of beans and pureed it w some olive oil then added about half of the first batch into it turns out everyone liked the full on garlic version as well so it ll all get mixed together for the leftovers the bread dough was quite a bit wetter than the other doughs i ve made recently even though i ve been using the same baker s percentages basically i take out all but what i m going to refresh of my levain and i weigh what i ve taken out and then add dry ingredients flour of various sorts cracked wheat barley flakes malted wheat flakes oats whatever suits my current fancy and water as a percentage of the weight of the levain yesterday s was very active and puffy and wet the bread tasted just fine good even but i have no damn clue why it was so slack the sharlotka was pretty good though i think i should have used more apples the recipe gives number of apples rather than weight and mine wasn t as high as the one pictured i also thought the apples got too soft i reduced the total amount of sweetening and i used honey for about half of the total so probably 75 grams of sugar and 75 grams of honey which might have affected that i ll make it again though it was a nice tasty dessert and it s not loaded with butter so it doesn t feel so heavy the blueberry caramel was interesting too you see this dark purple sauce so you expect fruit flavor which is there but there s this dark caramel flavor as well again though because it s a caramel that doesn t use cream or butter it added some flavor w o adding fat in other news i had a job interview on friday the organization s entrance is literally ten feet away from the entrance i used for my last job it s in the same building down the same hallway except you turn left for this place they re building a new building and so will be moving out relatively soon but it was still a bit weird to go down that hallway i had to do a certain amount of la la la ing it seemed to go well enough it s a small organization and the position is just the kind of jane of all trades thing that i love and it s a new position for the organization the ed is interviewing a few more people and then will ask a few of the interviewees back for a second round with the other senior staff i don t even know that i m going to be one of those people still i felt pretty good about it and felt like i had good answers including about areas where i don t necessarily have a lot of experience i also have a phone screen interview on monday that one is for a lower level position than the friday interview but it s a larger organization so there presumably would be room for advancement i m noticing that i m not doing cartwheels with excitement for either position but i think the reasons for that are a bit complex for the friday job i think some of it is apprehension although i believe that i can do the things the job requires including the things that i haven t done much before there s still a certain amount of fear around that and a certain amount of convincing of others that needs to be done that aside though what i m sensing in myself is a kind of tiredness as i ve said multiple times here before my experience with follow your dream is checkered at best i don t feel like rehashing that yet again today but i also know that the backing and forthing and upping and downing i ve done particularly in the past ten years has taken a toll on me hell in those 10 years i have had three different careers the biotech company the bakery and the most recent organization and none of them quite worked out the way i had planned sometimes i think my life course is teaching me to be a buddhist which isn t to say there weren t good parts to all of them but that s a lot of change in one person s work life in ten years i think that s the reason i don t have a whole lot of enthusiasm for any particular thing i d like to find useful work at decent pay with companionable people that s it so if someone is looking for a person with passion and dedication ll i m probably not that person but i also don t think those things are necessary in order to do a bang up job for an organization even one with a very specific mission which most non profits have i m not so stupid that i would say this an an interview but it also means that i don t have a good answer to why do you want to work here at supercaring organization um because i need a job and the position you have available fits my skills so i blather about wanting to share my skills in the non profit arena and leave it at that one of the people w whom i worked at the last place was pretty insistent on people needing to be passionate about the mission i challenged him her as diplomatically as possible and basically said i don t care why people take the job i care that they do it well s he didn t quite know how to handle that and used to insist that i do have the passion even if i say i don t because s he liked me and couldn t square it all up any other way but in my experience passion doesn t mean someone can do a job well and doing a job well doesn t require passion it requires competence anyway i m certainly not going to go into this in an interview and let s hope there are more of them and that one of them leads to a job offer posted by narya at 11 17 am 1 comment labels baked good nes s food underenjoyment friday january 13 2012 better with mustard well that was fun wasn t it i know that doing stuff just about any stuff helps somewhat but i also know that it s possible to do lots of stuff and still keep sliding whatevs i also know that doing stuff has its own virtues and rewards i don t just sit around and stuff gets done so i ll just keep hacking away at it and see what happens the two projects i have in mind are getting back to the paint removal in the sunroom and making a curtain or shade of some kind for the kitchen window neither will happen today today s tasks were applying for a handful of jobs i ve saved from this week s search and getting my health insurance squared away and later in the afternoon getting my hair trimmed i had thought to put this off because the place i go isn t cheap but it s looking pretty ragged and if i do get an interview i don t want to be stressing about that yeah i know it s unlikely i would not get a job because my hair isn t at its best but it will need to be done sooner or later nothing extreme but all of it useful and at least some of it involves not sitting on my ass i may even work out for today s amusing story i must relate my entry in the most ridiculous injury contest last friday i was making beer and mustard braised cabbage with venison ring baloney an incredibly simple and incredibly tasty dish and as i twisted the lid off the jar of mustard i sliced open my finger on mustard yes there was some dried mustard on the jar and it was sharp enough to slice open my finger i ve heard of cutting the mustard but i haven t heard of cutting by the mustard anyway the discussion of job application processes will have to wait for another day but i didn t want to leave that depressing whine at the top of the heap i m a bit better yesterday and today and i seem to have stopped sliding at least for now no telling how long it will last but i m trying to stay focused in the present it s not necessarily safer here but there s a good bit less anxiety posted by narya at 12 55 pm 1 comment labels lots of nothing wednesday january 11 2012 tumble down now i been lookin for a job but it s hard to find down here it s just winners and losers and don t get caught on the wrong side of that line bruce atlantic city i can feel myself sliding down a ravine it s happening kind of slowly and i keep thinking i should grab a boulder or a tree or a clump of grass and haul myself up or at least pause the fall until i can get my bearings but instead i just keep slowly sliding oddly enough the fear of falling is making it worse i know that it can get very dark and deep and painful back when i finished grad school i was unemployed for more than a year i had some temp work and some small jobs but it took me 15 months to find a full time job on top of that i realize in retrospect that i was seriously depressed for probably two years before that it was hellish i was miserable and i knew that i was miserable to be around i was sad and angry and scared i was unemployed and deeply in debt and being forced to change careers despite having spent seven years and accruing the aforementioned debt to do what i truly loved to do i wasn t going to get to do that and i had to find something else to do and i had to pay off all that debt when i finally got a job literally weeks before i would have run out of money i immediately set to healing myself i worked through the shit as best i could pretty well actually and slowly rebuilt a new life as i left that job four years later to work at the startup company i got involved with chuck and despite the many many good things that came out of that nearly eight years later once again my life blew up the company for which i worked went out of business and the companty for which chuck work moved so we were both in dire straits there my marriage blew up and i was working in a low paying grueling job that had been intended to be an apprenticeship before i started yes something else i loved to do and then i pieced things together again and quit the bakery and found a new job where over the nearly four years i was there i was promoted twice and left the job making 60 more than when i was hired none of that matters what matters right this minute is that i have no fucking clue what s going to happen i have some capacity for dealing with uncertainty and some capacity for rebuilding or moving to a new plot and building something else entirely but will i be able to do it this time before my money runs out i m over 50 unemployment is at record levels the jobs that are out there are either back at the level i was at in 1994 or they re just enough above my level of experience that i don t think i can do them there s no guarantee that i can talk someone into hiring me for the former and i don t see the point in trying to talk someone into hiring me for a position that i don t quite know how to do and don t think i can figure out in time even that well something could turn up or i could maybe get one of the lower level positions that pays enough and once again work my way up or not there s a lot to be said for not but i m sliding i ve spent the better part of the past two days sitting and doing not much of anything no computer cards does not count as any fucking thing at all except an exercise in mind numbing i managed to work out monday and tuesday but today i managed to miss a train and i got off at the other end 15 minutes too late to get to the rowing class i had signed up to take and i just turned the fuck around and got back on the train and came home otherwise i have done almost nothing i was supposed to meet an ex co worker tomorrow but it turns out that there s a board meeting s he must attend which added to my funk as i was required to attend a board meeting in what september maybe and that means if anyone i met remembers me there will be questions and my ex boss will be making shit up or badmouthing me most likely the former about how i chose to pursue other options i m fucking unemployed who the fuck would choose that all i can say is that i hope s he breaks out in suppurating sores and bloody pustules every time s he says something about me that s bullshit i m trying very very hard to keep away from the anger i know from the above mentioned experience that it is not a good path and will only lead to more tears but i think i can ask that bad karma rains down upon those who spew bullshit about me then again maybe no one will even notice for the ones who had a notion a notion deep inside that it ain t no sin to be glad you re alive bruce badlands yeah sorry palladia is showing live in nyc at the moment presumably in honor of clarence s birthday and as we know bruce is my personal deity or at least he keeps me going and i ll take what i can get right now so i know i have to find a way to stop the slide to grab a boulder or a sapling or just dig in my heels because i just do not want to go back down into that ravine i lived there for maybe three years maybe more in th...