Meta tags:
description=A personal perspective;

Headings (most frequently used words):

share, this, the, blog, dissociative, and, therapy, what, life, my, recent, diddispatches, menu, podcast, on, identity, disorder, madness, of, nhs, funding, for, disorders, is, did, brief, 16, step, guide, exciting, news, afterwards, living, successfully, does, progress, look, like, feeling, unwell, to, discuss, trauma, or, not, influence, past, has, upon, today, delays, in, posting, post, navigation, contact, information, follow, via, email, posts, comments, categories, archives, personal, perspective,

Text of the page (most frequently used words):
the (302), and (290), that (89), new (82), this (77), have (75), opens (72), window (72), share (69), with (64), for (64), but (52), time (49), been (47), was (47), #therapy (46), has (45), can (45), not (40), now (39), life (35), dissociative (35), past (35), had (35), are (32), myself (31), did (30), when (30), will (29), how (29), more (29), disorder (28), all (28), them (28), you (26), who (26), trauma (25), what (25), email (24), they (23), years (23), back (22), from (21), like (20), identity (20), just (20), people (20), parts (20), diddispatches (19), felt (19), know (19), about (19), which (19), those (19), yet (19), linkedin (18), tumblr (18), pinterest (18), print (18), reddit (18), facebook (18), first (18), one (18), memories (17), way (17), work (17), get (16), 2015 (16), funding (16), see (16), would (16), there (16), many (16), blog (15), nhs (15), than (15), fact (15), often (15), long (15), were (15), psychologist (15), hope (14), into (14), being (14), over (14), pain (13), able (13), recovery (13), feel (13), better (13), accept (13), things (13), too (13), really (13), still (13), didn (13), person (13), learnt (13), 2014 (12), emotions (12), madness (12), need (12), process (12), out (12), given (12), treatment (12), journey (12), loading (11), alters (11), today (11), link (11), then (11), right (11), don (11), longer (11), last (11), wasn (11), memory (11), year (11), these (11), friend (10), say (10), help (10), times (10), each (10), much (10), found (10), hard (10), other (9), upon (9), weeks (9), quite (9), good (9), part (9), also (9), learning (9), why (9), instead (9), every (9), value (9), their (9), never (9), live (9), com (8), abuse (8), feeling (8), unwell (8), posted (8), stop (8), realise (8), week (8), such (8), realised (8), months (8), enough (8), understand (8), only (8), someone (8), different (8), dissociation (8), inner (8), without (8), belief (8), cost (8), comments (7), august (7), self (7), news (7), wanted (7), haven (7), ago (7), appointment (7), going (7), challenge (7), here (7), take (7), fear (7), make (7), couldn (7), thoughts (7), very (7), event (7), child (7), thought (7), its (7), few (7), suddenly (7), feelings (7), grow (7), become (7), she (7), happened (7), because (7), whilst (7), needs (7), find (7), term (7), wordpress (6), comment (6), follow (6), 2017 (6), 2018 (6), triggers (6), personal (6), health (6), hospital (6), helpful (6), team (6), childhood (6), podcast (6), progress (6), your (6), itself (6), alone (6), taking (6), support (6), think (6), day (6), matter (6), bad (6), once (6), detail (6), through (6), most (6), some (6), far (6), internal (6), said (6), told (6), allowed (6), talking (6), others (6), sign (5), may (5), september (5), uncategorized (5), services (5), medical (5), fun (5), crisis (5), recent (5), living (5), successfully (5), does (5), disorders (5), contact (5), soon (5), bit (5), trying (5), aware (5), ever (5), ways (5), start (5), judged (5), explain (5), needed (5), want (5), deal (5), huge (5), events (5), great (5), even (5), own (5), made (5), end (5), wouldn (5), done (5), regurgitate (5), mine (5), further (5), leave (5), diary (5), together (5), understanding (5), during (5), possible (5), learn (5), ready (5), where (5), local (5), room (5), research (5), ccg (5), financial (5), fight (5), costs (5), started (4), manage (4), view (4), content (4), november (4), december (4), psychological (4), impact (4), mental (4), post (4), trigger (4), full (4), old (4), let (4), guess (4), control (4), tell (4), anyone (4), faced (4), away (4), reminded (4), vulnerable (4), could (4), reality (4), having (4), looking (4), professionals (4), course (4), seemed (4), decided (4), doctor (4), little (4), try (4), off (4), horrors (4), locked (4), come (4), therapist (4), ensure (4), single (4), put (4), abusers (4), any (4), easy (4), best (4), family (4), used (4), managed (4), along (4), painful (4), everyone (4), client (4), both (4), changed (4), lose (4), children (4), future (4), truly (4), amazing (4), since (4), actually (4), enjoy (4), bed (4), opportunity (4), continually (4), kathryn (4), honours (4), plural (4), media (4), benefits (4), website (3), account (3), join (3), create (3), free (3), october (3), social (3), harm (3), story (3), experience (3), flashbacks (3), community (3), body (3), jayne (3), oneil (3), look (3), afterwards (3), exciting (3), step (3), guide (3), posts (3), information (3), couple (3), getting (3), days (3), coping (3), copyright (3), dispatches (3), attend (3), afraid (3), aim (3), before (3), assumptions (3), racing (3), advice (3), psychiatrist (3), while (3), tried (3), reactions (3), tears (3), unable (3), safe (3), accepting (3), experiences (3), stranger (3), previous (3), negative (3), taught (3), began (3), eventually (3), came (3), isn (3), letter (3), knew (3), professional (3), another (3), important (3), again (3), impacts (3), rather (3), attached (3), idea (3), giving (3), separate (3), else (3), unlike (3), carry (3), recently (3), give (3), dissociate (3), session (3), meant (3), throughout (3), early (3), well (3), treated (3), turn (3), encouraged (3), gaps (3), becomes (3), overwhelming (3), sometimes (3), holds (3), whole (3), keep (3), heal (3), rest (3), dialogue (3), something (3), our (3), open (3), effort (3), trusted (3), trust (3), anger (3), words (3), comes (3), within (3), growth (3), simply (3), enabled (3), eradicated (3), positive (3), thinking (3), awareness (3), various (3), request (3), thankfully (3), real (3), strength (3), asked (3), side (3), fearful (3), included (3), tent (3), art (3), lack (3), happy (3), nominated (3), honour (3), effective (3), international (3), sense (3), lobby (3), intervention (3), site (2), name (2), required (2), write (2), log (2), subscribed (2), subscribe (2), already (2), subscribers (2), 2013 (2), january (2), february (2), march (2), april (2), june (2), july (2), working (2), care (2), milestone (2), momemts (2), losing (2), denial (2), personality (2), categories (2), names (2), delays (2), posting (2), influence (2), discuss (2), brief (2), address (2), receive (2), thanks (2), chaotic (2), due (2), focus (2), mechanism (2), cry (2), image (2), though (2), especially (2), behind (2), brain (2), controlling (2), react (2), charge (2), wrong (2), respect (2), inside (2), attending (2), list (2), reflect (2), similar (2), recall (2), force (2), incident (2), shock (2), call (2), led (2), thus (2), hit (2), recover (2), coming (2), terms (2), road (2), certain (2), caused (2), impacted (2), seeing (2), power (2), judge (2), terrified (2), strategies (2), scared (2), hurtling (2), horror (2), struggling (2), head (2), received (2), seen (2), ten (2), bearable (2), might (2), integral (2), key (2), alongside (2), exist (2), remember (2), forced (2), identities (2), gory (2), dissociated (2), extreme (2), held (2), terror (2), hence (2), lots (2), skills (2), protect (2), totally (2), push (2), lost (2), secrets (2), ability (2), faces (2), revealed (2), endured (2), cope (2), till (2), protecting (2), details (2), clear (2), pass (2), saw (2), tagged (2), makes (2), round (2), maybe (2), fully (2), managing (2), worse (2), chance (2), knitting (2), laid (2), flat (2), seem (2), yes (2), got (2), him (2), move (2), honest (2), moving (2), forwards (2), challenged (2), planned (2), except (2), summer (2), however (2), means (2), lot (2), rollercoaster (2), six (2), doubt (2), dark (2), stuck (2), worked (2), paddled (2), collaboration (2), gave (2), his (2), acknowledge (2), embrace (2), magic (2), wand (2), doesn (2), sadly (2), views (2), undertake (2), won (2), between (2), offering (2), desire (2), parties (2), tune (2), therapeutic (2), level (2), front (2), jump (2), talk (2), letting (2), internally (2), conditions (2), bullying (2), decisions (2), useless (2), gone (2), draining (2), okay (2), prove (2), system (2), external (2), please (2), developed (2), building (2), supported (2), commissioning (2), group (2), additional (2), agreed (2), change (2), grateful (2), blessed (2), thank (2), funders (2), chapter (2), lying (2), four (2), walk (2), enjoyed (2), involved (2), persuaded (2), invaluable (2), certainly (2), issue (2), mum (2), fortunate (2), bedroom (2), utilised (2), item (2), bought (2), worth (2), nightmares (2), cannot (2), loss (2), regular (2), less (2), palace (2), fpp (2), wrote (2), letters (2), agree (2), profile (2), recognition (2), took (2), british (2), empire (2), medal (2), field (2), seems (2), thing (2), estd (2), org (2), mind (2), shows (2), guidelines (2), options (2), suicidal (2), same (2), mean (2), basic (2), clinical (2), saving (2), beneficial (2), meeting (2), useful (2), treating (2), obtain (2), patient (2), basically (2), home (2), savings (2), internationally (2), recognised (2), spent (2), thousands (2), demonstrates (2), available (2), interview (2), perspective (2), design, collapse, bar, subscriptions, reader, report, privacy, 236, archives, switching, stigma, secure, restraint, physical, medication, records, organisations, healing, grooming, grief, forensic, psychiatry, emotional, diagnosis, borderline, books, select, category, identi, ordinary_madness, michelle, kira, connell, onegoodboi75, beverley, red049, headache, nightmare, search, 526, enter, notifications, via, gmail, older, navigation, carol, promise, update, sorry, relapse, fragile, cramming, should, track, bear, next, goes, equipped, remind, approaches, panic, sets, undoubtedly, overtime, slowly, theory, happen, finding, hurtles, hopefully, empowered, either, meek, mild, effect, seize, bossy, assertive, condition, sensitive, crying, mix, around, sought, upcoming, relative, prepared, gentle, appear, judgemental, straight, numerous, currently, happening, wake, spewing, illogical, proportion, despite, fairly, wounded, drained, weak, taken, vulnerability, constantly, mark, perfection, incorrect, labelled, consequences, doctors, influenced, mess, label, wound, space, rationally, solution, unsafe, dissipated, survive, wondering, using, speaking, reacted, badly, pace, hate, fills, irrational, fears, culminated, deciding, reflection, plain, avoidance, invades, present, saying, amended, expecting, random, original, transition, triggered, processing, vary, greatly, hasn, actual, regurgitating, discussed, generalised, focusing, current, involve, minute, divulge, moment, explore, incidents, lives, detailed, hold, reassemble, order, switched, avoid, probably, kept, alive, fragmented, formed, seamless, stayed, bits, nurture, parenting, talents, until, function, protector, whose, job, frustration, ensures, protected, threats, fore, insisted, naming, theirs, safety, sanity, drive, familiar, route, causing, expect, spill, beans, fragments, confusion, concern, irritated, falling, graphic, stored, reach, revealing, significant, small, continued, periods, remembered, consuming, particular, wait, risk, spilling, snap, shots, terrifying, finer, drip, fed, snippet, later, piece, abusive, flooding, instant, flashback, sending, frenzy, encountered, therapists, varying, levels, expertise, keen, desperately, wanting, approach, resting, juggling, guving, harder, manageable, healed, positives, smiling, disappear, plod, prioritise, ages, example, busy, suprisngly, knit, appreciate, efforts, unmanageable, accepted, situation, continuous, potter, house, carefully, quiet, church, morning, visiting, youngest, son, tomorrow, evening, tea, glad, curve, rejuggle, priorities, balance, wipe, dealing, unexpected, healer, supportive, cancel, appointments, reading, lifeline, explaining, normally, gym, swimming, visit, zoo, promised, tricky, sore, damaged, discs, lower, resulted, trapped, sciatic, nerve, labour, pains, trips, beach, recharge, batteries, catch, sun, disappeared, sofa, distress, sheer, luck, determination, sitting, passes, starting, routine, spend, safely, gets, doubted, trusting, knows, doing, case, point, likewise, jumped, sea, ventured, kitchen, tools, dissociating, judgement, deepest, grieve, blaming, angry, myriad, wonderful, running, hour, 167, hours, down, emphasised, challenging, true, preceding, expected, pill, yourself, entrenched, battle, dread, misguided, misinformed, medicalised, model, answer, equal, respected, genuinely, interested, none, board, homework, set, compassion, empathy, allows, occur, bringing, openness, requires, willing, vital, relationship, acceptance, equality, changes, dramatic, world, stay, bus, queue, line, previously, result, ahead, run, mile, default, setting, rewired, negativity, replaced, minded, destructive, imposed, lies, worthless, placed, mercy, perfect, unattainable, construct, female, biological, parent, loved, valuing, demands, judgements, conform, rebuilding, shattered, tool, kit, pressures, placing, forefront, established, meet, includes, differing, enabling, responsive, respond, effectively, rapport, integrated, human, configurations, happens, regularly, initial, submitted, clincal, benefited, psychiatric, ward, believed, honestly, helped, empower, rebuild, guises, differences, persons, eighteen, shift, dedicated, whom, forever, ends, forward, complex, misunderstood, called, glorious, technicolour, thankful, believing, excuse, admitting, christian, guidance, entering, god, guided, path, transformation, beeen, finally, friends, third, slightly, anxious, walked, says, collaborative, whatever, throws, anything, dedication, direction, skill, truth, creating, replace, tarnished, ones, gaining, picnics, sat, grass, celebrating, birthday, nearly, date, developing, christmas, traditions, build, continue, ending, complexities, shocked, folks, matters, afterall, pleaser, commitments, suit, increased, oneself, weird, inspiring, dared, company, confident, travel, eldest, relocated, overseas, sons, wedding, insecure, cared, inadequate, grandparent, brought, joy, grown, sleep, cbt, assist, advised, venturing, remove, clutter, barrier, became, cleared, erect, camp, blogged, summary, slept, unsure, shopping, fancy, bedding, pillows, investment, critical, indeed, symbol, recreate, partake, activities, deprived, allowing, grieved, grieving, stirred, imagined, creative, enchanting, relaxing, activity, classes, inferior, derided, silly, stupid, commonplace, vocabulary, oppressive, word, corrected, pointed, correcting, transformational, fronts, hoped, unhappy, disfunctional, guilt, assisted, communicate, ease, ownership, strong, resilience, transforming, lasted, exceeded, expectationa, understatement, provided, develop, establish, greater, xxx, wishes, anyways, wish, gong, presentation, lord, leuitenant, west, midlands, deed, royalty, invite, royal, garden, party, buckingham, wear, hat, wonder, hats, functional, woolly, winter, kind, trustees, special, supporting, possibility, nothing, completing, nomination, honesty, forgotten, opened, official, reconnect, agreeing, contents, big, conflicting, humbled, proud, believe, recognising, charity, founded, 1997, suspect, listing, cited, keeping, secret, orders, cabinet, office, relief, widely, regarding, recognises, congratulations, raised, worthy, include, her, founder, livingstone, awarded, stalwart, fitting, infinite, aninfinitemind, firstpersonplural, sources, info, cheaper, provide, provision, reduces, emergency, department, visits, interventions, admissions, recommend, frightening, symproms, varied, confused, voices, detached, disrupted, place, loathing, harming, broken, relationships, buying, multiple, symptoms, based, portrayals, likely, commit, crime, danger, heads, myth, busting, traumatic, distinct, identies, unique, perceptions, mood, types, depersonalisation, amnesia, fugue, specified, sane, reaction, insane, circumstances, survival, blocking, unbearable, dysfunctional, auto, pilot, therefore, london, journalist, funny, facing, microphone, forces, succinct, intro, mike, lloyd, investing, priovides, featured, journal, failing, intend, fighting, offer, stopped, proven, financially, sound, hand, tbe, enormous, treatments, raise, locality, rejected, fruitful, outline, evidence, isst, society, study, dissociatiom, freedom, demonstrate, costing, went, missing, 000, ping, mobile, phone, mast, refusal, use, chief, executive, lead, perhaps, consider, potential, relevant, blocks, main, beauracrats, gains, achieve, existent, attendance, incurs, clients, left, floundering, costly, refused, money, 200, unhelpful, reduced, recieved, admission, tens, pounds, least, population, form, notice, facts, wasting, clearly, indicates, achievable, refusing, across, refuse, individuals, applications, strange, saved, daughter, beuracracts, telephoned, bodies, repeatedly, destabilising, authority, specialist, funded, download, clicking, mentally, yours, stages, intention, sensationalise, discussion, everything, readers, listen, sure, interesting, chat, mentallyyours, metro, resources, questions, polite, skip, menu,

Text of the page (random words):
s for living psychologist therapy 1 comment living life successfully what does progress look like progress comes in many guises but long term talking therapy can make huge differences to a persons life during the past eighteen months i have felt myself shift and change as i began to learn more about myself and the different parts of me i ve come to realise that hope is possible and those with a dissociative disorder can live life successfully if someone had told me ten years ago when i was stuck on a psychiatric ward that there was hope i wouldn t have believed them but i can honestly say that with the right help and support things can work out okay i have now had 3 1 2 years of therapy with my psychologist during which time he has helped empower me to rebuild my life and find the real me as many of you who follow my blog regularly will know my initial funding was for 3 years yet last year my psychologist and myself decided that there was still work to be done and so a further funding request supported by my local mental health trust was submitted to my clincal commissioning group for an additional year thankfully they agreed and hence i have benefited from this additional time now in the last few months of my therapy i m moving forwards and rebuilding my once shattered life i have learnt to understand that i have the tool kit within me to live life successfully i have learnt to say no to external pressures placing myself at the forefront of decisions and taking into account my needs i established the level of self care i need to ensure all of me is content i ensure i take time out to reflect to talk internally to meet my needs and that includes the needs of all the differing parts of me internal dialogue has been key to this and i ve developed an awareness of my parts enabling me to be more responsive to my needs to be aware of triggers and how to respond to them effectively building a rapport with the various parts of me has enabled us to work together to become more integrated and more as we really are one human being with various configurations of self who just happens to have a dissociative disorder i ve learnt to understand why i react the way i do to certain things to accept emotions and process these feelings rather than run a mile from them which was my previous default setting i feel as if i ve rewired myself internally my negativity being replaced by an open minded ability to be more positive i ve eradicated negative destructive thinking conditions imposed upon me by my past and learnt to see them for what they are lies and bullying so i no longer view myself as worthless instead accepting this was a value placed upon me by bullying abusers i now accept i can make decisions no longer thinking i am useless and at the mercy of others as my abusers told me the previous desire to be perfect has long gone as i now see that this is both unattainable and draining a construct forced upon me by my female biological parent who told me i was never good enough to be loved instead i now accept that being good enough is okay that i don t have to prove myself to anyone my valuing system has gone from being very external to an internal one where my views about me matter most not the demands or judgements of others i ve learnt that i don t have to please others or conform i can quite simply be myself all of these changes i now accept as progress as learning how to live with did has had a dramatic impact upon my life it s changed how i view myself and the world but it s also enabled me to stay up front and not lose time the best way to explain this is as if i m at a bus queue me first and the parts in the line behind me where previously they would jump in front and i d lose time now instead we are more in tune we talk we take account of our needs and as a result they don t jump ahead taking over and i don t lose time i haven t eradicated the parts of me far from it instead i ve learnt to embrace them accept them and take them into myself i view myself as a team of parts who all work together so we can live life with did rather than letting the dissociation control us none of this progress would have been possible without the right support and talking therapy is integral to this growth but i am also aware of how much effort i have put into this journey too i attend each session ready to learn and to grow ready to take on board what is being said to undertake the homework set and acknowledge that i won t learn or grow if i don t put the effort in quite simply therapy is a collaboration between a therapist and a client one offering the other the compassion empathy and understanding that allows growth to occur and the other bringing an openness to trust and a desire to grow it s a process that requires both parties to be in tune with each other and to be willing to work hard i ve realised how vital the therapeutic relationship is in this process there needs to be respect and acceptance and a level of equality between both parties at my first session my psychologist told me that he had no magic wand and that i would see him for one hour a week and the other 167 hours were down to me he emphasised that i needed to be ready to work hard at the time i really thought why is he challenging me i want to get better doesn t he realise this but looking back i see his words are so true there were times on my journey preceding this therapy when i had given up hope when i expected a magic wand from a medical professional when i really didn t understand that recovery comes not from a doctor or a pill but from within yourself i had become entrenched in a battle with medical professionals seeing them as someone to fear and dread not accept them as someone who wanted to help me i know this was because of how i was treated along the way by misguided and misinformed professionals who sadly didn t see me as a person the medicalised model has a lot to answer for yet i soon realised my psychologist treated me as an equal he respected me and was genuinely interested in my views my thoughts i have no doubt recovery wouldn t have happened without my psychologist but no matter how good he is recovery wouldn t have happened without me the client being open to learn to grow and put in the effort at times on the journey it s been painful i ve doubted what he has said but i ve stuck with it trusting that he knows what he s doing internal dialogue is such a case in point and yet i worked at it likewise i jumped into the sea and paddled because he told me to go have some fun i ventured into the kitchen and worked at collaboration because he gave me the tools to do so without dissociating i ve trusted his judgement and learnt to trust myself along the way i ve trusted enough to share my deepest pain to cry and to grieve for my past i ve trusted enough to stop blaming myself for the abuse and instead process the anger and acknowledge it s my abusers i m allowed to be angry with i ve learnt a myriad of emotions and how wonderful these emotions really are so instead of running from them i can now embrace them it s been a rollercoaster of a journey and it s not at the end yet i have six months to go during which time i ve no doubt i will grow even more but right now i can safely say hope is possible no matter how dark it gets and everyone can with the right help and support learn to live life successfully with did share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit print opens in new window print share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading may 10 2017 by diddispatches link 7 comments september 27 2015 by diddispatches feeling unwell it s been a tricky few weeks so much has happened and yet what has impacted the most has been a sore back i have damaged a couple of the discs in my lower back and this has resulted in a trapped sciatic nerve which is more than a little painful in fact when it first started it felt far worse than any labour pains i had endured my bad back has meant i ve had to rest and that s not been so easy for me or my alters the other parts of me suddenly our planned trips to the beach days out to recharge my batteries and catch the last summer sun disappeared i couldn t get off the sofa without great distress and so i seemed to just exist i managed by sheer luck and determination to make therapy but sitting is so painful that it s not been easy however as time passes by i am starting to deal better with the pain i ve managed to get myself into a safe routine that means parts of me still get time just its different to what we are used to i had to spend a lot of time trying to work out how to do things for the different parts of me whilst feeling unwell and laid flat on my back so reading has become a lifeline along with the tv and even some knitting it s been more about internal dialogue explaining why we can t do things we would normally have done some parts of me are having to except that right now i can t do the things i would like i can t make the gym or swimming and i haven t been able to visit the zoo something i d promised we would do in september yet life is sometimes about dealing with the unexpected trying to keep moving forwards whilst challenged in new ways i guess right now i m challenged by pain and the fact i can t move as well as i used to but time is a healer and i will heal my family have been really supportive and people have been very understanding when i cancel appointments or planned events i guess feeling unwell has been a learning curve too and it s also given time to think time to rejuggle priorities and balance my diary better suddenly faced with being unable to move meant i had to wipe my diary clear and start again that s not been all bad if i m honest now i m managing my pain better and i can potter about the house carefully as long as i rest quite often whilst my diary is still quiet i have managed a few things i made it to church this morning and whilst i felt unwell throughout and in pain it felt good to be out and to be there i m visiting my youngest son tomorrow evening for tea i haven t been able to see him for a few weeks so i m glad i m getting the chance but i know i will need to rest the day afterwards to ensure the recovery process can keep going i m learning so much through this bad back i m learning to prioritise my family to manage my diary better and to value the little things in life things i haven t had a chance to do for ages i m suddenly able to knitting is one example of that i m often too busy to do it but now i have time and suprisngly you can knit laid flat on your back parts of me are understanding too and seem to appreciate the efforts made to give them time what i ve realised too is that feeling unwell is not unmanageable yes it felt it at first but once i d accepted the situation and got used to the fact i will be in continuous pain things were more bearable having did makes feeling unwell harder to manage but it is manageable once you get your head round it maybe once this is over and my back fully healed i will be able to look back on this time and see the positives and not just the pain i hope so for now i m taking it one day at a time and managing my pain as best i can and i m going to keep smiling and remember that there are people who are far worse off than me i will heal in time and my pain will eventually disappear till then i plod on me and my parts together copyright did dispatches 2015 like loading posted in alters dissociative identity disorder my personal story tagged bad back dissociative identity disorder guving time to my parts juggling my diary pain resting unwell leave a comment to discuss trauma or not over the years i have encountered many therapists i have seen people of varying levels of expertise and the way they work has been very different most of those who i saw in the past had a keen focus on the trauma itself desperately wanting me to regurgitate the events of my childhood but is that the best approach for recovery does it help to go over and over the bad things that happened due to my dissociation i have many gaps in my memory of my childhood my brain has been good at protecting me and locked many horrors away i have found over the years those memories spilling out into the here and now snap shots of trauma which often haven t been the full details of an incident the memories have often been just enough to give me a clear idea of the event what happened without all the terrifying finer details sometimes they have been drip fed to me so a snippet of the event one day and then a week later another piece of the event weeks pass and eventually the whole horror of an abusive event has been revealed other times the memories come flooding back in an instant with a flashback or body memory overwhelming me and sending me into a bit of a frenzy there are times when i really can t cope with what i ve remembered it becomes too overwhelming too consuming and yet i have learnt to process in a better way too so i can say i can t deal with this particular trauma memory now i need to wait till therapy to think about this in any detail it s my way of protecting me i can now accept sometimes that i m not at risk right now but it s not easy and any trauma memory holds feelings of terror and pain trauma and abuse have been a significant part of my life it started when i was small and continued for years in fact all through my childhood i can t name all my abusers but i can at times see their faces i can tell you much of what happened because my memory has now revealed many of the horrors i endured but i still have gaps in time and i still have periods of abuse were i only have part of the memory in therapy for much of the early years of treatment the professionals who treated me wanted me to share that trauma with them they felt that me and in turn my alters revealing the past trauma was important to recovery i would be encouraged to share the past to regurgitate the horrors in all their gory detail often through tears and great pain yet i never had the ability to process those memories i never felt attached to them for much of my early years of treatment i felt irritated at the thought these people wanted me to share my inner most secrets i recall one therapist and i falling out over the fact she would push for more graphic detail when i felt it wasn t needed i didn t feel able to share my secrets and i knew i didn t have them all my memory had stored them well away locked out of even my reach one would push for information which i didn t have causing me to dissociate in session and thus losing time she would expect me to spill the beans as she put it yet i didn t know what the fragments i had meant and i just wanted to understand throughout ...