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r morning wash they spent what turned out to be a precious 30 minutes washing her changing her and putting her into a clean night dress my dad and brother decided to go grab some lunch brother is diabetic and return later when i could go and grab something to eat they left at 12 10pm i sat with her and held her hand her face pale and cool to touch her breathing slowed and became uneven i leaned over her and kissed her lovely face i told her how much i loved her and thanked her for being a wonderful mum and for loving my girls i told her i wanted her to rest that she wasn t alone and that she should let go and as my tears fell on the pillow beside her face she took 3 strangled breaths and stopped i watched and waited knowing really that there wasn t going to be another but desperately not wanting to believe it i stroked her face and cried in relief and fear and sorrow it had been just an hour and 25 minutes since they had removed all the tubes and now for the wishes what ifs and regrets i wish they had never put the pacemaker in i wish they had discussed it with us all before doing it not just taking my mums consent into consideration my mum would agree to anything to be an easy patient that was her way if they had said to her we re going to amputate your legs margaret so the podiatrist doesn t have to deal with those feet of yours any more she would have agreed to be helpful to be easy for them i wish we had insisted on knowing the implications of her having it placed i wish that my dad had told me when she was admitted that second time i would have gone to be with her at the hospital i wouldn t have had her there in a e alone frightened and stuck on a trolley for over 9 hours perhaps if i had been there they would have made more of an effort to get her a bed sooner maybe that all contributed to the clot developing and heading off round her body i wish i hadn t insisted that they bathe and sort her the morning she died i wish we d had those extra precious 30 minutes or so to be with her i d thought i was doing what was best i had wanted her feeling clean and fresh i thought we had longer i wish she had died sooner i wish she hadn t had to suffer the indignity the distress the fear of a prolonged death i wish that if there was no hope that there wasn t a way of making a persons exit from this world smoother kinder gentler none of these things are helpful none will change anything or bring my mum back i have spent the last 4 weeks trying to squash them and not think about them but finally i have had the courage to write them down hoping that in some cathartic way that it will bring them to a close the things i have to try and forget are the times she told dad and i that she wanted to die that it takes an awfully long time to die after a heart attack the murmurs and mumbled what an dreadful dreadful way to live those are the things i can t let myself dwell on what i do have to be glad of is the time i did have with my mum i feel honoured to have been with her to the end i feel grateful to have had the chance to tell her and show her how much she was loved small things are the ones i have to nurture in my extensive library of memories like while doing the little ritual of her face cleansing one morning she said slowly to me you are so clever you know just what i need the times i took her hand and kissed her when i arrived and she told me how she loved it when she heard my voice the small smiles we shared when i was doing things for her the glimpses of her humour that showed through even to the very end they are the things that i have to hold onto and remember all through this k has been wonderful held my hand and supported me from afar been there with words of comfort and advise let me weep to him on the phone when i couldn t bear to talk to any one else and i shall never forget that nor be able to thank him adequately i know i can think of him as a very dear friend posted by velveteen rabbit at 17 51 1 comment labels bereavement death heart failure mummy stroke saturday 23 october 2010 what do you see this poem was found in the bedside locker on a ward at one of our local hospitals when it was being cleared out after the death of an elderly patient it was published in the daily newspaper a number of years ago and for some reason my father kept the cutting he showed me it this weekend and it struck a special cord as i have so recently lost my own mum in the very same hospital it makes poignant reading what do you think you see nurses what do you think you see what are you thinking when you are looking at me a crabbit old woman not very wise uncertain of habit with far away eyes who dribbles her food and makes no reply when you say in a loud voice i do wish you d try who seems not to notice the things that you do and forever is losing a stocking or shoe who unresisting or not lets you do as you will with bathing and feeding the long day to fill is that what you re thinking is that what you see then open your eyes nurse you re not looking at me i ll tell you who i am as i sit here so still as i move at your bidding as i eat at your will i m a small child of ten with a father and mother brothers and sisters who love one another a young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet dreaming now soon that a lover she ll meet a bride soon at twenty my heart skips a beat remembering the vows that i promised to keep at twenty five now i have young of my own who need me to build a secure happy home a woman of thirty my young now grow fast bound to each other with ties that should last at forty my young sons now grown shall be gone but my man stays beside me to see i don t mourn at fifty once more babies play round my knees again we know children my loved one and me dark days are upon me my husband is dead i look to the future i shudder with dread my young are all busy rearing young of their own and i think of the years and the love i have known i m an old woman now and nature is cruel tis her jest to make old age look like a fool the body it crumbles grace and vigour depart there is now a stone where once was a heart but inside this old body a young girl still dwells and now and again my battered heart swells i remember the joys i remember the pain and i m loving and living all over again and i think of the years all too few gone too fast and accept the stark fact that nothing will last so open your eyes nurse open and see not a crabbit old woman look closer see me posted by velveteen rabbit at 18 49 2 comments saturday 16 october 2010 rip my darling migglets my mummy finally lost her fight at 12 40 yesterday lunchtime i was with her alone which was a little scary and bizarre and surreal but ultimately i wouldn t have had it any other way i had the honour of spending the last moments of her life with her and being able to tell her between sobs how much she was loved and admired i thanked her for being a warm and wonderful mum and nana to my girls i was able to tell her it was ok to let go that she wasn t alone and that there would be peace i shall miss her with all my heart but am relieved that she has no more suffering to endure she was ceaselessly bright and cheerful despite many years of ill health she always what my dad refers to as took care of herself he meant she always made the effort with a little make up and never failed to emerge with her pearls and earrings in place she was a lady posted by velveteen rabbit at 06 14 2 comments tuesday 12 october 2010 my silence my darling mummy is extremely ill we were warned to expect the worse this last weekend but it seems she is still fighting i am exhausted and emotional and trying to be brave for everyone i read all your blogs when i get a moment to catch up and lose myself in your words funnies and antics i just can t write any of my own at the moment part of me wants to rant and rave into the page but i just can t keep writing guys they are my moments escape from what is going on here and i shall be back when i can x posted by velveteen rabbit at 09 18 2 comments sunday 26 september 2010 close encounter quite amusingly my husband teased me when we first met many years ago that he was an alien from a different planet it was a silly tease and i can t remember all these years later how it began something to do with the shape his fingers made when held close together it used to make me chuckle when if anything occurred that was a little extraordinary we would grin and agree that it was probably due to his alien background when the girls were smaller i told them of this silliness and a few times they joined in with the giggle a chorus of it s cos daddy s an alien when he did something peculiar of course it now doesn t seem quite so funny when i think back to how detached we have become how hard he is to relate to how deep he keeps his feelings sometimes i wonder how i ever thought i could get beneath the surface and know him my mummy isn t doing so well unlike the warm radiant lady i have known all my life she is now struggling she is pale cool gaunt her once unwavering appetite has diminished she is constantly breathless she is fading her heart failing it was her birthday on friday and too many visitors all well meaning wore her out she d had a bad night and when i visited on saturday she wasn t very bright when i got home i got a upset and tearful and hubby gave me a hug and said it was understandable it was only human to get upset about seeing my mum like that and that made me think back to when his mum remember mil was so ill and stopping with us so with a regrettably scathing remark i mumbled about him obviously not being human as he had shown no emotion over the demise of his own mum the idea that he might be from another world fleeted across my mind and this time it didn t seem funny at all i read a lovely book the recently where there was marital disharmony of course it all turned out all right and had a happy ending damn but there was a single line in there that so summed up how i often feel at times when hubby and i share a moment i felt i had to quote it the mortar of misunderstanding filled the small crack i had made in my hard dark shell a perfect line one i would love to claim as my own but sadly not but there it is my feelings in a nutshell posted by velveteen rabbit at 09 51 2 comments labels alien heart human marriage saturday 4 september 2010 the empty swan song i have lost my voice not in the physical sense but i have lost my blog voice i simply can t write at the moment nothing that is in my head and heart feels exposable i can t write of my darkest fears for fear they actually may look simply too frightening written here in black and white or whatever colour my font turns them into on the page equally i dare not reveal my deepest hopes they too may look hideously selfish and fantastical when staring right back at me from the screen i feel the only way i am surviving at the present time is by being swan like serene calm and pure all surface beauty the frantic paddling of my feet below the line of the water unseen by the passer by or casual observer in a nutshell i am missing contact with k like mad the first 3 weeks were hideous i was totally obsessed with the thought of him everything i did or thought felt like i simply had to tell him about it i am not sure whether it was helped or hindered by the fact he was away on his annual family holiday so would have been unavailable to me much of the time even if we had still been a red hot item i knew that i couldn t make contact but i also imagined him having a fabby dabby family time and life being all rosy and sunshiny last week i did contact him regretted it the moment i had pressed the send button on the damn phone but ultimately was glad i did he called me we spoke for close on an hour we won t make contact again now until the allotted day of friday october 1st we have both agreed but it never ceases to surprise me how once we have spoken i am filled with this wonderful calm a feeling of still and warmth it wears off but it is comforting and welcome while it lasts the reason for this break on the embargo was i have secured myself a new role at work i have spent the last 2 years and 9 months working 3 days in a position that for the most part i have loathed i have become fairly good at it i have been recognised and rewarded for being good at it and although i hate to admit it there are days i have come home and felt i have had a good day but for the most part i have felt frustrated and constrained so back in june i applied for a position as a seconded training partner i was invited for a second interview and was successful i am thrilled to bits to finally be able to use some of my other people skills in the work place and work in a role that i hope to find more fulfilling i simply had to let him know i had got it but that leads to another seed of niggly stuff in my head the position is full time i originally took my job because they gave me a contract of 3 full days mon weds each week allowing me to have every thursday and friday free free to speak on the phone for hours to k free to indulge my time at home to thinking thoughts of us free to jump in my car at any given moment and drive to a rendezvous spot to meet him it was one of the things that made us possible the full time hours will keep me busy and focussed they will give me a personal strength and a little more financial security but they also mean that friday 1st october could be the last time i may see k if not for ever for a very long time and that is one of those frantic underwater swan feet moments that i dare not let myself think of the situation at home is calmer too we attended 2 sessions of relate marriage guidance counselling we needed far more we can t really afford the fees and both felt after the second meeting that while it had opened up a little communication it wasn t perhaps the best time for us to get the most out of it we haven t discounted future appointments but recognise that we both need to feel committed to either resolve which i don t feel is possible or compromise and find another route for settling it appears to have acted a little like a lot of stressful situations do it draws together those that have the shared experience the ooh we survived that together syndrome so we are being a little kinder to each other a little gentler though we still negotiate our world like two housemates as opposed to lovers or spouses so i will continue to paddle serenely across this water watch out for strong currents avoid the weirs and keep an eye of for thick weeds and perhaps no one will notice the frantic feet paddling desperately underneath posted by velveteen rabbit at 13 50 1 comment wednesday 25 august 2010 fretting mother alert ok i am officially a fretty mum among all the other things i have described myself as on this here blog i am now fully admitting to having frantic mummy colly wobbles my baby girl has headed off today to her first fe...