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nd night i cleared my calendar and stayed with her caring for her taxiing her back and forth to emergency clinics after hours and to the vet at more civilized hours more times that i can count cleaning up vomit staying up to comfort her fears all through many nights cooking five different meals for her until she would accept a mere bite or two of nourishment mags even had her own fort though it took some convincing doggie fort and coercion success we endured test after test after test finally a barium study would reveal that mags had been so starved by her previous owners that she ate a corn cob which lodged in her small intestines it would have to be removed in order to save her life she was so incredibly fragile but well mags was clearly a very special girl and she was so worth saving no matter what uncomfortableness she endured she would sit next to me trusted me and already loved me oh to earn the trust and the love of an animal what a gift mako very interested in mags maybe he saw his pain in hers i took her on four short walks every day she and chemakoh liked each other very much she even trotted ever so slightly at their first glimpse of each other mesmerized big dog mags likely thought little horse mako may have surmised mags a brindle english mastiff should have weighed 160 180 lbs she weighed in at only 65 or so mags endured surgery on the same kind of crisp sunny day on which she arrived in my care the vet removed a large corn cob from her small intestines iv fluids for a dehydrated girl purple for our royal queen post surgery the evil cob our poor baby we took mags home the day following surgery she was doing great she came in and immediately began to eat and drink we were so happy she loved her red velvet kong bed and she wore her princess tiger striped blanket beautifully sweet beauty in her queen bed visits from aunties mags was obsessed with the reflection of herself in the mirror and spent hours that day and the next barking at herself she was truly the sweetest dog i ve ever known and i thought she d be mine it looked like we d been able to save her but on the third day after the surgery she became very sick her breathing labored and rattled concerned me i was on a writing deadline but could not focus on anything but maggie we would return her to the vet that day where an x ray would confirm that her lung had collapsed she would likely not survive i wept mags sat on the x ray table draped in her queen s blanket we would continue to try oxygen fluids iv antibiotics but her veins would not sustain the iv we brought her home and tried all we could to get her through to the next morning mags died early wednesday morning at home in her bed her frail bones held together only by skin my heart was shattered it was her death and more that unhinged me both my parents died in november too many new families my own grief over the death of my daughter cheyenne it was all mixed up in that single decisive moment of losing mags i was wrecked i spent most of wednesday and thursday weeping that sweet dog worked her way into our hearts in a very big way and i was saddened and angry at the humans who failed her and the humans who every day all around the world fail the children and animals and elderly and other vulnerable who are in need of compassion and kindness but who do not receive such love friday morning began much like the preceding two days but i had an appointment so i very reluctantly put on my big girl face and drove there down the same road that took me to her vet i d driven many times with mags i cried i had feelings of panic and distress i cried more i asked in my head the usual existential questions what happens when we die does animal energy survive this realm did mags feel my love did i do enough is mags with cheyenne is mags with cheyenne i don t know what i believe i protested then a car pulled in front of me as i was driving it was a white lexus but i hadn t really noticed as i was unperturbed by anything at this point then a very large object was moving back and forth in the back seat suddenly a head popped out the back seat window i squinted my eyes to see more clearly i thought i was seeing mags crazy i thought i ve gone mad then the head popped further out the other window what in the heck i said to myself through my tears now first the english mastiff is not a commonly owned breed a brindle mastiff even more rare i pulled closer to the car with skeptical curiosity i began to photograph the car i was pretty sure my eyes were deceiving me snapped five pictures of the car could this dog be a brindle mastiff no way not here not now i shook my head in disbelief a few times but kept snapping photos so when the car ahead of me turned into a nearby neighborhood i followed it yes i m officially an impulsive pup stalker but i had to see this dog i had to turns and curves led us to a driveway i parked on the street and waited the driver exited his vehicle as i stood on the street in front of his house i m so sorry to follow you and i m not crazy but but is that an english mastiff i stuttered trying to mute the weirdness of that moment yes he said rather carefully brindle i furthered yes she s a brindle he replied oh my gosh a girl too i exclaimed i think at this point he was getting frightened or at least considered the possibility that i was um not okay um well you see my dog just died i tried to save her and she just died and i m so sad and i was just asking about heaven or the afterlife or souls and dogs i babbled and stumbled please can i just see your dog of course he said a serendipitous meeting cleopatra she jumped out of the car playfully she looked just like mags her face coloring and even her disposition but she was obviously healthy and hadn t been abused i bent over and stroked her my heart hurt and i was so overjoyed to meet his dog cleopatra i explained more of the story to the kind and generous gentleman i showed him mags photos and he was shocked by her condition i told him how much i wanted mags and how much she and cleopatra resembled each other i told him about the sleepless nights and vomit and medications and force feedings and cuddles i told him how very happy i was that i got to meet his cleopatra in this moment how very much i needed this how very much i needed to know that mags was mine after all he listened sympathetically and then said i really admire you for trying to save her not everyone would have done what you did for her thank you then he reached out his hand and said what s your name i m joanne but my friends call me jojo i answered with grateful tears in my eyes jojo its nice to meet you he replied my name is cheyenne and i just stood in the driveway stunned and grateful 13 comments thursday august 20 2015 to overcome struggle grapple beat heal and resolve seeking to forget makes exile all the longer the secret to redemption lies in remembrance richard von weizsaecker overcome beat struggle grapple recovery resolve all words we would use to describe an enemy or an unwanted thing in our lives yet all words i ve seen used repeatedly on the internet in the context of grieving the death of a child spouse sibling or parent some cultures so desperately promote the idea of being rid of grief of vanquishing it causing it to evaporate as if it never was then as the myth goes once we ve done that we will acquire the long sought happiness that rightly belongs to us the preponderance of the time our own culture is this way we are obsessed with happiness and comfort and instant gratification we advocate ways to beat grief overcome recover resolve move on etc at the expense of fully inhabiting our authentic and rightful emotions associated with loss sometimes at the behest of those who seek to profit from such interventions or therapies or coaching but is this really the best approach for us in our quest to become fully human the great philosopher rollo may said one does not become fully human painlessly for two decades i ve been working to teach the traumatically bereaved how to accommodate befriend and even respect their own grief how to make room for grief in their hearts minds and souls i ve been teaching students and providers how to be with their own grief in order to truly be present with the grief of another it s working i m seeing a cultural shift in the attitudes toward grief albeit slowly and sometimes with a little help from a little boy who died and one of my beautiful grieving mamas along with a celebrity named taylor swift to try to overcome beat struggle with grapple with resolve or recover from grief feels like an extraordinarily exhausting feat particularly when that grief is incited by the death of child there is something perennial about child death in a family system i can imagine for me if i d spent all my time wrestling with grief by now 21 years later i would be a mere fragment of who i am today i would not be able to feel the depth of joy or meaning or compassion i experience now i know this and happiness as victor frankl said we cannot pursue it it must ensue it is an outcome not a goal to meet or a quality to acquire and it can be experienced only as a result of life love and grief well lived simply put i love my grief because it is a connection to my love i never want to recover be rid of resolve wrestle with or move on from grief does this mean i can still be joyful productive have a life of meaning of course the same horizon that holds the sun also holds the moon what would happen if as a culture we could spend our energy learning to integrate our grief instead of beating resolving struggling with or overcoming it what would happen if as a culture we could share our pain with one another remember our dead together listen to expressions of sorrow everywhere we go without needing to run or change the feelings of the other open our hearts to the suffering of other people animals and the earth truly connect as one with everything in all the beauty and all the pain my guess is that our hearts would expand making room for more authentic friendships deeper joys more meaning and purpose in our lives and most importantly deep and enduring compassion for others for self for all beings and for the earth and that is the kind of world we d all want 0 comments sunday june 28 2015 the thing about compassion an aristotelian vista this is the entire story of a girl and her horse some of you have read parts of it not many know all of it i m sharing through photographs the full story of chemakoh s rescue from the first day of his rescue to a recent and important ceremony to recognize so many people whose love and compassion played a role in his rescue and his physical recovery compassion to me has always felt like empathy in action so while this is the story of a girl and her horse it s also the story of one of the most profound demonstrations of collective compassion i ve ever personally witnessed i want to thank all of those involved even in the periphery this was a collective effort that took more than a hundred phone calls sleepless nights early mornings days off work rescheduled clients medical bills medication bills and time and energy from so many who saw more deeply into the experience of chemakoh s rescue this is the story of a girl and her horse indeed more than that it s the story of humanity at its best the vulnerability of us all and the capacity to heal from trauma given love compassion time and space deep bows to everyone pictured here and many not pictured my heart is a wellspring of gratitude to read the history of this rescue see this link here chemakoh on the day of his rescue his bones came through his skin as he was so badly emaciated when he walked he hung his head and slowly took his steps both sides of his girth were open revealing flesh he was not only badly malnourished and abused but his wounds had not been tended the only care we could provide for his wounds was a mud pack to protect them initially from flies and fly larvae the other side of the girth over time the skin grew back over his hip bones this took a few weeks of constant wound care he had lots of love and attention and friends from all over visited him during an early spring thunderstorm i stood over him so he didn t get cold and wait he appreciated the gesture his veterinarian jim bleak said that chemakoh would have been dead in less than a week had we not rescued him he didn t come to tend to him until a week after the rescue because we weren t sure mako would survive chemakoh had access to hay 24 hours a day 7 days a week we also slowly introduced ground organic flax seed and coconut flakes so help him start to gain much needed weight and strength a week later we began the task of building a corral steve one of mako s initial rescuers brought in 15 tons of dirt for the task all these little rocks had to be picked out of an area of about 1200 square feet before we could move the 15 tons of good dirt to the corral this was laborious work to say the least meanwhile we are measuring corral panels and mary s dad larry is helping dig out scrub oak and cutting low limbs from trees cam wyatt and dawson are helping relocate boulders man vs boulder 8 tons of dirt now relocated wheelbarrow by wheelbarrow birds eye view of the progress and the corral is done and chemakoh gets to come home two weeks to the day after his rescue walking him home to the place he s always belonged he lays for the first time ever he is home he is safe and loved josh self appointed favorite brother watches mako eat he is happy this day he trots for the very first time watching me to make sure i m looking i wept don t i look fine in red more visitors michael anthony s mom mako is now a therapy horse every day he is getting stronger and stronger his physical and emotional wounds slowly healing javelina visitors some mbug mama love for mako new skin hips are almost healed week 5 the look of gratitude for all the love and compassion in his eyes seven weeks after his rescue and i get to meet the officer who helped me rescue him we held a private ceremony to honor him and all of those who played a role in his rescue and recover those who embodied compassion rick of high mountain trail rides jj s dad who along with his partner eddie provided the driver truck and trailer reception guests meeting one another helpers meeting each other auntie adele s care was crucial in the early days and samantha s support and guidance so helpful lisa s mom and little girl because we know lisa helped with the rescue from where she is rick and lisa and some charlotte in spirit too the very important people in chemakoh s life children represented on the memorial wall a reminder to us all love empathy compassion thank you rick thank you auntie lisa i presented an award first to officer parnell but as you can see i was having difficulty with the words recalling that day on the trail when i looked into mako s eyes and promised him i m going t...