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date had abandoned me little do they know i do this out of choice at first years ago it was out of necessity the consequences of odd hours a fussy palate and the absence of friends most of them studying overseas why would anyone choose to eat alone true eating alone is initially a deeply uncomfortable experience a seeping loneliness tends to drench you like a raw egg cracked over your head cold and cloying and all over you you drain your bowl of soup only to realize that slowly as you hear the laughter and the multitude of conversations that the clientele is emptying your heart as well absorbing your silence and turning it into oh so vacuous alienation the irony of such solitude is that it occurs in the midst of so many people it is quite unlike any other sort of being alone driving alone tends to be distracted by music the bastard who overtook you without signalling the flurry of motorcycles weaving in left and right constant vigilance is required reading watching tv or playing video games is a profoundly connective sort of seclusion for while we are by ourselves we constantly feel relate attempt to understand and follow the lives of those others and then all the rest of the solo activity list can be checked off as either necessity or distraction a meal with oneself is different precisely because you are in the midst of so many others you are constantly being reminded of the companionship you are missing out on you are forced to reckon with the fact that you are truly alone it is perhaps an event of true loneliness of course most people resort to distraction always the iphone to cook up some instagram photo and facebook status garnished with an excess of hashtags and sprinkled with a selfie or two to assuage the asinine ego or the absent minded turning of a coffee stained newspaper pretending to pore over the news that reports the same corruption same celebrities same old circus of a country over and over again and if idle pursuits fail then comes haste a swift devouring of the required sustenance without tasting and an impatient tapping on the table as the bill comes far too slowly before beating a retreat back into the world of known people however fickle and superficial those interactions may be ah yes john how are you i m fine hope you re good too oh that thing oh that was leonard s project not mine oh no it s quite alright how are the er ah yes the two girls oh in primary school already jessica must be proud oh right sorry i always get your ex and her mixed up so sorry myself i m doing fine er yes i m still at that company all is good and well but really i just got fired but i m not going to waste your time you don t really want to know so yes deeply uncomfortable but i have learned to enjoy these moments i come from a family that has always insisted on meal time as a communal act with all the force of tradition and a circle of friends that has always pitied the poor sod eating alone in a crowded restaurant my friends are puzzled over the fact that i do in fact enjoy eating alone and insist that i call them along to the next meal so i need not dine solo it s understandable now i enjoy company as much as any other person but there is a certain peace of mind that comes when i dine alone over time i ve learned to discard the distractions the expectations the stares and what is left is something that gives me a profound grounding dining alone is one of the few activities that allows myself to simply be i am in the moment the here and now there is a certain hyper awareness that washes over me colours and smells become more vibrant the ever so slight vibrations in my knife as i slice into a steak the hint of herbs in the spagghetti before me the firm but moist texture of risotto as i slowly chew and savor actions become more deliberate movements measured then there is the observing to look around a restaurant and realize it s like an exhibition of so many worlds little bubbles of society that are so evanescent and fragile they only last as long as the food continue and is popped at the ding of the cash register to see the sweat on the brows of waiters scurrying back and forth the hidden scowls of waitresses as they deal with yet another change of mind the bemused expression on a bartender as he indulges a child demanding to know why she cannot drink the beverages on display as a hapless papa hovers protectively i suppose it is almost voyeuristic but a writer thrives on such observations by far the most observed is the self when i eat alone i am left with only myself as company it is a ritual of self examination that i withdraw into in moments of confusion or crisis the restaurant becomes a hall of mirrors with every customer waiter and chef metamorphosing into reflecting glasses i see myself through them perhaps this is the true reason why dining alone is so uncomfortable because everybody is to a certain degree insecure with themselves and you are never truly alone even when nobody is around you are always facing your own demons and personalities and dreams and frustrations and perversions it s friday night and i am dining on my own but not alone mmm that piece of meat was really juicy meeting taken december 2013 ny okj click for larger image posted by unknown at 12 48 am 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels conversation dine dining egg food hastag instagram iphone loneliness meal philosophy relfection restaurant selfie solitude sunday june 8 2014 eat pray gov a plate of plain simple nasi lemak is sitting before me the other customers around me are wolfing the coconut rice down bits of egg sambal and fried ikan bilis disappearing into chomping mouths chomp chomp gulp goes the rhythm alternated by giant swigs of iced milo within minutes the plate is emptied nasi lemak image from wikipedia i turn back to my own plate of nasi lemak i appraise it observing the ratio of sambal to rice how crispy the fried anchovies look how the sunny side up egg glistens in the amber light how fluffy each grain of rice seems how there are wafts of steam rising from the plate i smell it a deep breath a lover inhaling perfume within another s embrace i smell the fragrance of fresh coconut milk a hint of onion from the rice and then i m assaulted by the spice of the sambal the subtle fishiness coming from the anchovies and then i have a sip of water cleanse the mouth of any residual tastes before diving in i first try the rice slowly letting each granule dissolve in my mouth while soaking in the coconut flavors a sip of water then the sambal another sip of water the process continues until finally i eat nasi lemak the way it was supposed to be eaten a wonderful mix of nuts sambal rice cucumber the yolk of the just fried egg oozing onto everything and bringing everything together i m guessing this scenario seems pretty ridiculous to you indeed ever since primary school my friends have often been rather amused or annoyed with my food antics but as anyone who knows me will tell you i love food and i take food very seriously food is more than food to me it is not just sustenance it s not just entertainment or socializing it s not just something you put in your mouth and wonderful things happen it is a way of life i m a very firm believer in the importance of food and its influence on the way we live the way we look at things the way we approach people look at some of the most explosive political shenanigans that have happened in malaysia for example there is the most recent scandal where cadbury chocolates apparently contained pig dna and the religious authorities went berserk on the report then of course there was the infamous cow head protest when protestors against a hindu temple gravely offended everybody by marching down the road with a bloody cow head an animal that hindus do not consume as it is considered sacred and then there are minor tussles here and there over halal status about the segregation that happens in certain facilities the complaints over organ donors being pork eaters so on and so forth just think about it among the worst insults one can suffer in the malay language is being called babi pig apparently comes in roast pork flavor too yes i know it s been cleared up now just a joke image from venusbuzz malaysians complain about a lack of unity and national identity i think there is nowhere you see this clearer than in the food industry the kopitiam which used to be the de facto community centre always with malay indian and chinese food stalls has become the domain of the chinese community people like to shout a lot about appreciating malaysian food but rarely does this go beyond the mamak staples of nasi lemak roti canai and such standard fare increasingly chinese stick to chinese western mamak food at best malaysia is blessed with such incredible diversity yet we rarely if ever take advantage of it i frequently find myself being the only malaysian chinese at many malay or indianrun joints whether it be eating mee udang or nasi padang lontong tandoori banana leaf or some bubur cha cha and i know far too many people for whom lontong and ayam varuval are as foreign as foie gras and paella despite these things being right on their doorstep maybe i haven t seen enough or maybe i just happen to run around in rather unadventurous circles but i fear that this is a greater trend in malaysian society curry laksa image from wikimedia i liken it to curry laksa curry laksa is a great dish not only because it tastes great but because it s a wonderful coming together of cultures that make something truly malaysian noodles from the chinese curry from the indians the spices and sambal from the malays and with every state having their own unique spin on it yet what seems to be happening in malaysian society is that we re not coming together the ingredients are all there but they aren t mixed together to create a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts maybe i m taking it all too far this the world through food lens of mine but i ve often heard it said that a family that eats together stays together and what about the malaysian family heh all this talk of food and politics is making me depressed and hungry oh well nothing a bowl of curry laksa won t cure malaysian terms nasi lemak coconut rice served with condiments considered perhaps the most iconic malaysian dish sambal a light chilli paste of sorts often served with anchovies ikan bilis anchovies milo a chocolate flavored drink babi pig kopitiam a malaysian cafe thus the kopi coffee mamak restaurant serving standard malaysian fare that are often open 24 hours and are halal mee udang prawn noodles curry laksa curry noodles lontong rice with a light broth ugh it s hard to explain search them up posted by unknown at 10 44 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels babi cadbury chocolate cowhead protest curry laksa eat halal kopitiam lontong love mamak mee udang milo nasi lemak pray racism sambal monday april 28 2014 presence it s still there the plastic bag caught on a twig dangling in the tree right before me it s been there for almost a week now or at least for as long as i have noticed it that flimsy white piece of plastic has been holding on despite the winds the rain the booms coming from spring fling the drunkards shaking on the tree the chattering and goings of l dub courtyard it looks worse and worse everyday the plastic shows tiny tears the color turns a little more grey the green spots fade out into the white that it once was one day it will probably the torn to bits the plastic shreds floating in the breeze like little artificial snowflakes and its alabaster shade will turn to muck and grime as it is trodden on and forgotten like the grass on old campus after a night of partying i wonder whether anyone notices whether anyone else sees this puny plastic bag that is clinging to this branch an outcast in the white spring blossoms that surround it what do they think of it as a abomination a blight on what is for the most part a beautiful tree some sort of sad cooked up symbol for some environmentalist gobbledygook an allegory for the human condition more likely no one notices no one cares it s still there apathy and abomination taken in new york october 2013 click for larger image okj all rights reserved posted by unknown at 3 09 am 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels abomination apathy homeless new york old campus party plastic bag spring spring fling monday february 10 2014 ungloved it is cold it is 3am and once more i find myself alone in a sea of sleeping lives on old campus it seems like my melancholy can only express itself in solitude with no one watching no one listening no one judging i walk mind intensely aware of the sounds i make as my shoes trudge across the snow laden ground snow such a peculiar thing it s hard for my mind to grasp that it is simply frozen rain hardened water my tracks stop and i look up the flakes even as they fall and caress my face threaten to hurt my eyes the snow even as it covers yale with a blanket threatens to smother it and choke it beyond recognition perhaps it is no coincidence that such beauty comes with such coldness i attempt to catch a tiny bit of that beauty but the little flakes disappear in the warmth of my hands no matter i reach into a pile of snow but feel nothing the senses of the world seem not to have been made for protected hands without gloves i clutch at the snow the cold hurts and quickly whatever beauty the cold held is melting away in my grasp trying to save it tightening my grip only hurts myself and makes the moment even more evanescent protected i cannot feel and uncovered i cannot bear the pain true tragedy is perhaps not when a fate is inevitable when there is no free will but when there is a choice but all the choices can only lead to unfulfilled desires the words of hamlet spring to mind to be or not to be my hands are sore and numb they can no longer feel like they have been gloved over maybe this is my body s way of protecting myself of telling me that to feel any more would be too unbearable and so it shuts off it withdraws it feels no more abraham pierson s statue is pelted with snowflakes some of them are dropping on his face trickling down and melting as they touch him i wonder what he weeps for in the end the snow is probably best observed from a distance in the security and warmth of a heated room wrapped up in a dozen layers mind and body insulated from the elements yet it begs the question why then am i out here in the alabaster blindness of it all why reach out knowing full well the outcome why expose myself indoors i feel the blood creeping back into my limbs the frigidness is fading my hands are there my hands exist my hands are alive not feeling them has allowed me to feel them anew the warmth of the suite is inviting welcoming safe and yet despite a...