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different happier more peaceful more courageous less self centered less selfish all of that sounds noble and good doesn t it i think i mean those things too and lucky for me they are all within my power my realm and my scope i can grow and change i can be better but when i look at this picture below the only way i want to rewrite history is to be normal to look normal to not be different aaaah yack saying that makes me want to hurl because of the woe is me and my life is so hard flavor of that statement yet that is my first reaction the hurting in my tender place is that for so much of my life i have stuck out like a sore thumb in exactly this way i do not want to stick out not this way at least it seems that size does matter no matter the reference surrounding the beautiful bride marin at her june wedding reception that is just my first reaction when i sit down though and look at this picture i see more i see pretty colors a gorgeous backyard the generosity of friends and family the celebration of a grand event and then i see these women who are comely in their refinement and their color coordination these women are my sisters my family new and old biological and not we are missing cassie here as she is on her mission and another one who had passed out of our family a couple of years before and not pictured as well are the eight beautiful nieces who are growing up so fast that they will soon be women themselves this day we were celebrating the addition of a new sister to our midst at rus and marin s wedding reception this summer it was a very happy day a day of joy and celebration for them and the love they had found together it was a good day and when i look at this picture and these faces you know what i see beauty yes beautiful in appearance but i see beauty shining from their eyes and and their souls cissy s quiet grace tami s refined elegance marin s shining joy of love meg s mothering radiance michelle s creative acumen julie s passion for life i see women who are strong committed loving funny happy and hopeful i love them i love their goodness and their grace i ve seen their ups and downs and they have seen mine we have comforted and grieved with one another we have prayed laughed and danced too that is my second reaction and that reaction uplifts me rather than drags me down and when i hold to my second reaction rather than my first my heart grows ten sizes too large for my chest the way i really want to rewrite history is to see and be seen with this second perspective rather than the first i am not very good at this yet it is too easy for me to see myself as the victim rather than the victor the less than rather than the selfless but i understood with honesty and faith and hope i can learn to rewrite my very thoughts when i look back at my life 2 comments thursday august 29 2013 for shame editorial note i wrote this several months back and wanted to share it here because it still rings true to me i have not dealt with this topic much here but this is about the pain that comes from carrying the burden of shame day after day this lyrical prose is my attempt to address shame s influence on me shame you are the prickly pear companion of my youth you are the one i have held so close to me on hollow nights and gray mornings you ve been allowed access to the hidden corners of my soul the tender places the soft underbelly and you have embedded yourself deep in my heart willing me to stay away out of the light alone afraid embarrassed angry worthless and unhappy you are my dark companion in your eyes i am a fool you make me cringe daily at my weakness my incompetence my mistakes my humanity and i have let you in welcomed you with open arms hugged you tight to my chest and been surprised that over and over again your pricks sting fester and poison what is good and lovely inside my soul you hurt me and i let you again and again and again each day you tell me a story that is my whispered secret i am not enough that is your siren song your dark delight and with those words you bludgeon me into submission i cower in fear that this may be truth i hold you and your secret tight to me hide it keep it safe do not let the world know but i have harbored you for so long my soul is wasted by your chains and terrorized from your torture my heart grown weary from your harsh slavery and the fetid stench of your power you dark friend have shut out light and goodness halted compassion and forgiveness and made war at the very root of my truth this is our goodbye you are not welcome here any longer this is not your home and i am not your people your violence and greed may not be planted in my soul s fortune any longer your words may not echo in the chambers of my heart i want you out forever your stay here may have been long but it is now over and you may not darken my door again for your ways are not my ways and my god is not yours take with you your companion characteristics doubt fear anger embarrassment hopelessness worthlessness isolation and depression they do not thrive without you and i am doing a full house cleaning i refuse to shelter them any longer as well they want to be with you you are all so tightly wound so powerfully compacted to fit neatly into the tiniest crack in any defense i am not safe where any of you linger and i will not hold to you any longer you are not my treasure i have a work to do here and it is time to air out my soul shake loose your clinging cobwebs and open my heart as i plant my face towards the sun and welcome the light 8 comments tuesday march 12 2013 brighter days remember how i have said before that i could not quite hone in on the purpose of this blog that i wanted to blog about everything and nothing here well i have done that it has allowed me to grow as a blogger and a writer i have felt free here to share so much of myself this blog has always had my heart i have not been around much as a blogger the last year i have been doing a lot of personal writing and exploring very little of it has made it to the blog because i had not sorted and sifted through it very well lots of exploratory writing this blog has always told my personal story but meant more for friends and family and not necessarily as a place to sort the rough spots in my life also i wanted so often to write about a private family drama that i did not have the liberty to share so that kept my writing off this page as well for now i will continue to periodically update this blog as a place for some of my most heartfelt writing and a memory book for my life that is my plan and my purpose for now thanks so much for stopping by when you have you have held my heart with gentleness no comments friday december 21 2012 colder weather i ve been playing this song on repeat for days now why it s christmas and there is something about this song that perfectly embodies what i want this christmas sometimes a song gets it just right 1 comment friday june 15 2012 moving house a change is coming i ve loved my time in my tiny little apartment the sundays playing with kids the kitchen experiments all the little home improvements thanks to my brothers and my mom who have been my helpers i ve loved squeezing 40 family members in to my 500 square feet every christmas for our annual family house tour i ve loved figuring out how to fit my massive number of books into my tiny sweet study i ve even learned how to make a bed with access to only one side of the bed the other three sides are up against a wall yes my room is that small and now it is time to go i recently received the opportunity to manage a condo complex a few miles away from my cozy family neighborhood my new place is in a neighboring town and only 5 minutes away but it will bring change into my life with new neighbors and new friends it is bittersweet of course i will miss all the loveliness of my little place but i am excited for the opportunities around the corner i don t move for a few more weeks but some of the crazy things that i am looking forward to cooking on a gas stove having room for two couches in my living room room for a dining table that seat eight people and many other small luxuries my time in pear tree hill has been happy and i am excited about this upcoming bend in the road no comments saturday june 2 2012 finding eden i remember at various times in my life elementary school teenager young adult reading books and thinking i could write better than that the thought came with conviction hubris and determination i would write and i would write better than so many of the books that i picked up without much discretion and consumed in long undeviating hours of reading reading was my passion my art my must do every day and then i grew up i haven t stopped reading but my reading has expanded to include the internet school subjects professional work and church doctrine there is a lot of reading to be done and i have explored many forms of reading and yet i come back consistently to reading what i love it may not always be what my book group is reading it often was not what i had to read for school or what i must read for work i do get pleasure out of these various forms of reading and some satisfaction but these types of reading are not like finding a book that exhilarates me makes time stop and utterly absorbs my attention when i read something i love i hear an echo of that earlier conviction when i think i want to write like that i ve always known i would be a writer that i am a writer that writing is part of my task on this earth writing just feels right in my bones writing elevates uplifts sorts purifies and focuses me i am most unhappy when i cannot write school especially college was overwhelming for me in many ways i loved gaining new knowledge but i did not know how to sort contain remember process and regurgitate efficiently all that was in front of me i did not know that i must write i had mammoth mountains of growth to scale social life friendships financial independence spiritual independence work responsibilities church responsibilities family responsibilities getting to know myself understanding and overcoming my own weaknesses my health my weight all while shouldering my school responsibilities with study homework assignments tests and exams i discovered that i was swimming in deep waters of chaos every day and felt very little calm often my only time of peace was in class as the teacher would start lecturing and my interest would be piqued my mind would open up and expand and i would begin to write take notes make lists organize think detail expand and enumerate my life and its overwhelming minutia as well as my over arching goals often i would come out of class with notes for class and lists upon lists of to do items for work home school and church as well not to mention sentences or phrases that i had caught in the lecture that i wanted to think about explore and process i assumed i was a little crazy with the note taking and i was but i also could not explain my extreme reluctance to get rid of my notebooks after the semester was over i was not writing in a formal journal at the time and those pages felt like my journal because mixed in with notes for my history of civilization class or my american history class was my revelation about my desire to be a mother or my insight regarding my future community service or my question to ask my roommate my school notebooks were my journals in those years i happened into a career where i do get to read and write a little i am adequate at this job but not passionate about it because of my unease in this position i have spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out what i want to do professionally figuring out what makes me happy what makes me tick what makes me light up every day my goal has been to do something i love every day to be more excited about monday morning than friday evening to awake each morning infused with joy at the work i had to do about six months ago i wrote these words on a piece of paper writing relationships health gospel my happiness and my joy comes consistently from these places as a writer i knew in my early twenties that i wanted to spend my time writing about people relationships and meaning my struggle with obesity has turned me passionate about health nutrition energy and food and my amazing experience as a missionary for my church infused in me a love for spiritual roots and soul teaching that i cannot abandon i want my life s work to revolve around these areas these are the loves of my life the things that i return to over and over again the thing that has made my goal of doing what i love more difficult is that i seem happiest where these paths intersect rather than in their individual fulfillment i want to be a therapist nutritionist who writes about relationships food and health i want to teach and write about the gospel my dream is not to go to law school or work on wall street or even to write a play or write for television my goal is to be a counselor nutritionist chef mom gardener teacher who writes about all of those loves i am not interested in going outside of those realms but i am interested in each of those realms i know what i love and every day i am inching closer to making it my life s work 2 comments wednesday february 29 2012 the future of this blog i have loved my little spot here in the blogging universe i have written about family friends my life my thoughts my future etc it has made me happy to be here what i have never loved is not knowing where i was going with this blog it has always been a place to share my thoughts on a wide variety of topics but recently i have wanted to focus on one or two major topics namely health and food but i don t want to give up this spot in the universe even though i have not been blogging regularly the past six months so expect to see at least one post a month here for now occasional sporadic meandering totally my speed on this blog in the future i will be blogging more regularly at eden s garden of health where i will post recipes menu plans and focus many of my thoughts on health and wellness this blog now has a purpose for me it is my blog of love my place to write my heart s thoughts and my love of literature art friends and family thanks for being patient as i sorted through the details 1 comment wednesday july 20 2011 modern day diet a quote from a book review regarding our modern american diet besides the paucity of good fats the near hegemony of industrialized foodstuffs in the modern diet devoid of nearly everything except sugar salt toxic oils and devitalized flours has helped to create an undernourished population primed for maladies from review of addiction the hidden epidemic by pam killeen reviewed by katherine czapp when we start off our day with processed sugary cold cereals paired with homogenized pasteurized skim milk from cows shot full of antibiotics and hormones continue on to a fast food lunch made from...