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entries the importance of leaving your bed filed under society culture by adam v cheshire leave a comment 17 05 2016 so i do this thing and the thing i do is that i will wake up quite early but refuse to admit that i m awake and try and sleep more because life is so much less anquish when you are asleep everybody knows this everybody does this but with me it has gotten compulsive and damaging i m trying to be better to do better i used to think if i talked more about this stuff it would help maybe it does maybe i m starting to annoy myself though maybe i m annoying other people maybe in some peoples eyes i ve become a pantomime of a very real and serious thing maybe i ve tarnished myself too much with the mentally ill brush i m honestly a lot more interesting than that maybe i m doing myself a disservice talking about these things in public i wanted dialogue and support but maybe all i m getting is pity i don t need your fucking pity it is of no use to me maybe i m not being pitied maybe that s all in my head everything is all in my head i m not a hardcore solipist but the fact that remains that our conception of reality and the physical world is filtered through our bodies and our minds we may not make reality every time we open our eyes but we certainly percieve it in a way that is unique to human beings and due to various enviromental biological historical and psychological factors i don t percieve in the way most human beings do that can be real lonely that s why i try and talk about this stuff so i can be less alone maybe but i don t know if i do a very good job of talking about it an over riding feature of this cross i bear is the fact that i think a lot too much which can be very useful i m pretty smart this is probably because i think too much and have read a bunch of books and i m quite good at synthesising and connecting up concepts and thoughts probably because i think too much unfortunately it gets to the point where the thoughts begin to pull myself to pieces and start breaking things and doing damage running out of other material or perhaps simply because i have a self destructive streak the mind turns its attention to its damaged psyche and begins poking holes i have spent my life at the mercy of a million thoughts and undertaking very little action to bring those thoughts into some kind of concrete reality outside of my head because what worth can any idea you have possibly have adam little to none but that s faulty thinking i know it is because i ve spent the past couple of years thinking and then doing i ve seen the outcome i have honestly inspired so many people and deep down it freaks me out i have given opportunities to people to get up in front of a mic and do their thing and watched them catch as if kindling and become luminescent and go on and do more things and inspire other people it is fucking beautiful and it is hard for me to think that i have had any kind of hand in that me worthless little me but i can t be worthless can i if i ve done these things if i ve inspired those people but still the mind insists it cajoles it takes bites out of itself i want to do more i am doing more many a cool thing on the horizon but they re only happening because i m ignoring my fucking head and just doing unfortunately that doesn t stop the head from doing what my head does it s fucking painful i cry it hurts so much randomly for brief moments tears run down my face and then it s gone and i dry my eyes the feeling subsides a little but remains i wonder how different things could of been if someone or something had interveined in my past had set me right a bit in my faulty compulsive thinking the provision for mental health on the nhs is fucking laughable especially in glasgow if you aren t a physical risk to yourself or others you aren t going to be taken seriously i have experienced this a lot the amount of times i ve gone down to the mental health unit on florence street aching for help and pretty much had demonstrated to me that i m wasting their time well it has been numerous times i ve been referred to outlier organisations non nhs non profits for councelling only for the councelor to turn around and say your problems are much bigger than what we are outfitted with to deal with and then i become disheartened and then i give up i carry on until it becomes too much again and i reach out for help hoping against hope that things will go differently this time that i will get the help i need but previous experience indicates otherwise i m dimly aware that it is mental health awareness week a large part of me is like fuck mental health awareness week it s fucking lip service it will change nothing things like this x y awareness arbitrary measurement of time are like little morally superior holidays people can choose to take just perfect for our bite sized social media driven lives a badge they can add to their symbolic scout uniform i has virtue signalling still i have woken up on a tuesday morning and written this thing about my mental illness perhaps i should jump on this bandwagon maybe loosen the wheel nuts a little whilst nobody is looking i ve written this to get it out of my head i ve written this because i hope it will help me in some way to express these things this level of honesty concerning your vunerability is hard to sustain to strip yourself naked in public is not something most people will ever feel the need to do maybe it will help you to understand maybe it will inspire others who suffer to be able to stand up and say me too maybe it ll disappear below the surface of the internet and be read by nobody regardless i m gonna eat this frozen pizza for breakfast greedily hungrily because i didn t feed myself lunch or dinner yesterday and today i m going to do better i am going to be better i am going to rise above those nagging voices that don t want me to ever leave my bed and do things until it all becomes too much and i let them take control again it doesn t usually take very long but before that happens i just want to say thank you i want to thank everyone i ve befriended since i got to glasgow all the poets and writers and musicians and rappers and artists and activists and just good cunts that i have met if it wasn t for you i wouldn t doing nearly as well as i am and despite my complaining and venting and nay saying i am doing pretty well it just doesn t feel like that a lot of the time maybe it s always darkest before the dawn maybe that s just a trite metaphor thought up by a greeting card company maybe both are true grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags mental health awareness week mental illness comment tinder tyrant joint second filed under uncategorized by adam v cheshire leave a comment 20 05 2015 i got strong armed into performing at this due to a lack of wildcard signups was an awesome night with some startlingly good performances grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading comment causing a rockus filed under uncategorized by adam v cheshire leave a comment 08 05 2015 i m branching out grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading comment amongst the dust beta video filed under poetry by adam v cheshire leave a comment 18 04 2015 an unfinished poem that i just like so much i m performing it in its raw state grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags glasgow performance poetry poetry spoken word comment this beatific slice video filed under poetry by adam v cheshire leave a comment 07 04 2015 shot by the illustrious bram e gieben check me waxing lyrical on the merits of pizza like a motherfucking ninja turtle grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags glasgow poetry poetry n powerchords rockus spoken word comment negate the meat spoken word filed under poetry by adam v cheshire leave a comment 02 04 2015 this is my most widely published widely performed poem it dates from my days living in a semi furnished flat provided by social services out on the fringes of what counts as the west end of glasgow the posh part a few months after i crash landed homeless in the city grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags glasgow maryhill poetry spoken word comment better living through nihilism spoken word filed under poetry spoken word writing by adam v cheshire leave a comment 09 03 2015 poetry is alive it s vibrant it s language that s made to dance or at least that is how it should be on the page though it can feel less so like fossilised remains echoes of something long since gone the oral tradition is where it all began it was all we had before we developed written language everything was spoken everything was heard stories were told around fires words were shared only in person this ancient lineage gives the words a power that simply cannot be attained when you slap shit onto pieces of dead tree just speaking them out loud gives them a life they can never have when they remain solely on the page there is a sense of communion between performer and listener an alchemy that transforms inkblots into fireflies and so i begin to release work as audio to break down the barriers between myself the words and you look at me being all earnest and shit it s almost as if that crunchy sarcastic and deeply cynical shell i present to the world hides a gooey centre of sincerity and feelings and stuff grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags audio nihilism poetry spoken word comment complex 01 image filed under glasgow photography by adam v cheshire leave a comment 28 11 2014 grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags glasgow photography the complex comment and the sky will consume us all image filed under glasgow photography by adam v cheshire leave a comment 26 11 2014 grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags glasgow hdr photography comment better living through nihilism filed under poetry psychology philosophy society culture writing by adam v cheshire leave a comment it is the insignificance of the human race that allows me to get out of bed in the morning knowing that we re only hurting ourselves somehow soothes that frantic butterfly aneurysm that sticks like shit to the walls and drips and collects in pools brings a skip to my step to realise nothing really means anything and that we re just the setup of a racist joke with no punch line feels fine inside to know no matter how many books i read i m still just a waste product of time line em up boys i ll watch them fall one by one and when it comes i ll greet oblivion like an old friend it pleases me no end this knowledge that no matter what we do declare war as an excuse to pillage condone rape with silence or even condemnation towards victims profit in cashmoney from inflicting severed limbs and misery on islamic children acting father knows best to those that won t bend the knee to the international monetary fund for a loan designed to stripmine public assets for corporate interests and leave people recycling their own feces we re barely a blip on the radar of the cosmos it pleases me that all we seem to do is suck each other dry and leave behind stumblebum husks of one another doesn t bother me in the slightest that each day is more empty than the one it proceeds the fact that the whole of human knowledge is the intellectual equivalent of a 2 dollar handjob down the greasy alley next to the library causes me to stifle a chuckle fuck all belief just bed time stories we tell ourselves to give the illusion of autonomy freedom is a myth invented in the 1950s by levi jeans and constructed from the yolk of jack keuroac s wet dreams the awareness that we belittle and degrade 50 of the entire population for having tits and giving birth to every single soul on earth to the point where we got them thinking they re worth less than some prick with a penis is really an impressive feat of irony and when the surface water is so polluted from hydraulic fracturing that it burns your throat and makes children blind and when the roving gangs of ukip voters beat the shit right out of you because of your country of origin and when bigotry becomes national unity and well being is replaced with misery and the source of your next meal is a mystery handed out from food banks built out of desperate necessity and when the government sells out what few rights we have left to a company that promises to make poverty profitable and when it all becomes too much to take and when we are left to drown in our parents mistakes and in the moments before we finally break i ll know deep in my heart that being human is great grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags glasgow nihilism performance poetry philosophy politics society writing comment loss of appetite image filed under art design glasgow photography writing by adam v cheshire leave a comment 11 09 2014 grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags eating disorder photography writing comment rotornation image filed under glasgow photography by adam v cheshire leave a comment 09 09 2014 grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags glasgow graffiti photography tag comment is this the way they say the future s meant to feel image filed under glasgow photography by adam v cheshire leave a comment grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags culture jam photography pulp scottish independence comment we the abstract image filed under art design photography writing by adam v cheshire leave a comment 08 09 2014 grok this share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on x opens in new window x more share on reddit opens in new window reddit like loading tags glasgow manifesto photography wr...