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acific nw is largely a battle between a house and the elements water is forever seeping leaking corroding and destroying anything it can find a dry basement is a miracle a thing of beauty and a joy forever wooden shingles decks and pretty much anything else require constant coats of sealant or they rot sometimes they rot anyway all of this is expensive stressful unpleasant and potentially obscenely expensive and in the grand scheme of things hopeless left alone my house would probably disintegrate in five years or less i m not sure if this is a powerful lesson in the futility of human life or a reason to move south i ll keep you posted labels general griping household mis management posted by unknown 12 13 pm 12 comments wednesday november 26 2008 things to do with the second half of my life i m feeling bored bored bored by my life this is a pattern for me i used to move frequently and then by the time i made new friends and got truly settled in i d be off to try something new and someplace new but not too new always an academic program and a restaurant job my father has told me about the aa truism which goes something like this you get off the bus and there you are it s true i follow me every where i go but as it grows ever more impossible to delude even myself into thinking that if i m sad angry and desperate enough my husband will come back or that the universe will decide to take care of me with no effort on my part i am thinking about what i want to do for me in the next phase s with no time limits or commitment here are the things i want to do 1 move back to sf live in a real city again i often wonder if the sheer joy of being in sf which for me is tangible and genuine could possibly offset the very real benefits of my life now a nice big house a fabulous job that i love good friends who support me and my daughter a community that includes her chinese program ballet and school a lower cost of living that makes it almost possible for me to afford these things for her a nice small easy city where the daily workings of life create minimal stress very few of these things would be remotely possible in an expensive city where even procuring housing let alone finding a remotely suitable academic job would be pretty much beyond my means 2 take an extended research trip i d like to take a semester or summer or whatever and live in boston philadelphia d c or new york i d like to work in the archives and libraries during the day and explore the city with my daughter the rest of the time there are fellowships for this but they don t cover child care if we went during the year of course she could go to school 3 travel the top of my list iceland scotland ireland macchu picchu eastern europe especially istanbul and the coast of the former yugoslavia budapest 4 live teach in china there are exchange programs once i get tenure if i am going to check these out in earnest apparently and somewhat oddly my academic specialty is in demand in their universities 5 write a mystery novel i m considering taking an on line course just for the structure practice and feedback it would provide and no of course i don t have time 6 arrest my physical decline i want to have a regular exercise program of swimming and yoga at least so i can be one of those women who feel and look better at 50 than at 35 7 find a second soul mate who adores my daughter i d love to get married again but even more i d like someone to go to movies with to hang out with on sunday mornings and to travel to some of those places in number 3 8 live in a modernist dwelling and get rid of some of the stuff that weighs me down 9 volunteer 10 sort my photos and put together my wedding scrapbook finally labels ambitions and plans lists posted by unknown 10 35 am 7 comments i quit confidential to my sister don t read this i think i am going to throw in the towel on home ownership i know great timing huh in the past year i have spent more than 30k on deferred maintenance for the rental house and given the general financial scene thinking of it as capital relocation is no longer funny to me in the past three years i ve put 20k or so into my house and had signed on to teach summer school to get the wood floors currently buried under carpet yecch redone money that will now go to defray the consumer debt i racked up replacing the furnace in the rental my trees shrubs need professional pruning haven t been done in 3 5 years and today i discovered water damage on the wall with my fireplace the masonry was part of what had been repaired i m seriously thinking of selling both houses if possible and raising my daughter in a condo i m feeling pent up by the requirements of suburban idealism house yard upkeep pets and also disappointed with how dull my life is see next post or previous post or whatever today in a fit of displaced malcontentment i had a very satisfying plant massacre i have ugly plants for which i have cared ceaselessly and unenthusiastically some were abandoned by other people foisted on me or arrived upon my husband s death but they were ugly overgrown straggly yellowed surrounded by dead foliage in need of repotting root bound so i threw them away i did put them in the city yard waste i put the pots in the garage i have one half as many plants now a small amount of guilt and a tremendous sense of freedom labels general housekeeping amateur real estate mogul posted by unknown 10 26 am 2 comments monday november 24 2008 anger mis management congratulations to those of you who marked the third anniversary of my husband s death yes it s been three years and even the most patient members of my support group are visibly ready for me to get on with it already i won t lie the anniversary was easier this year less fraught no weeping very few phone calls or messages but those that i did receive were lovely and necessary and reminded me that i am not the only one in the universe who is truly and deeply sorry that he is gone nor am i the only one who remembers how smart funny and caring he was i even managed to reclaim my birthday which since it falls on the day after his death his final gift to me was to try to live to my birthday and he came so close has been a dreary affair this year i had a nice dinner cake wine and good friends to help me move ahead into life with him snickollet has a very moving post about anger as always she s a far more reliable informative and skillful writer about these things i have to say that my own anger continues to sneak up on me and take me by surprise just yesterday we took our dog to the off leash park he s been woefully underexercised and undersocialized this term because of the kindergarten commute and my schedule so he needed to play there were too many dogs there which gets him excited and while he s not vicious he does seem to be sort of a provocateur minor dog interactions sound a bit nastier and seem a bit more frequent when he gets involved combined with his pitbull heritage those jaws are scary whether or not he intends to do harm and the fact that this is a ghetto dog park lots of folks with very minimally trained powerful breeds and too many un altered dogs he s scary especially to those who don t really understand dog communications so i keep a close eye on him and remind him constantly that i am there and that he can t be too rough he s never rough with smaller dogs he just tends to be annoying in trying to persuade others to play after about 20 minutes there was one scuffle which he didn t start but butted into one dog assumed the submissive position and mine was on top i rushed over and called him off and no one was injured in fact tails were still wagging but this was clearly out of line as i leashed him up a fierce looking guy with a huge dog started chewing me out rudely and threatening to call the cops i was leaving so i said we re leaving and walked away but by the time i reached the car i was breathless with rage and crying almost hysterically i was furious at the guy for being rude at myself for thinking my dog wasn t being a jerk at the other owners for not saying hey your dog is a little rough if that was what they thought or for not defending me furious at my dog for making trouble at the world for making life so hard this seems to be more common than not these days and is perhaps one of the longest slowest most persistent manifestations of grief as aware as i am that so many people suffer more and that it s high time i got over myself and on with whatever the next phase of life is going to bring i still get caught up short by rage at never having a day off at my daughter for her constant demands at the house which seems to be falling apart out of sheer spite at the woman who wrecked my car and had no insurance at my crappy health care that runs out in november leaving me with 800 worth of sudden bills at the delivery company that will only deliver during my work hours but just as often i m angry about nothing at all i use the film crash in my teaching and every time i am brought to tears for myself not for her when sandra bullock s character admits that she is angry all the time i know that even if my husband were still here things would break bills would come due my daughter would be demanding and of course she s supposed to be but the anger doesn t really have anywhere to go even if it s no longer serving whatever remotely useful survival function it used to serve and yes my schedule next term should allow me to take a yoga class labels anger grief snickollet posted by unknown 11 37 am 3 comments wednesday november 5 2008 hallelujah i have never never felt more proud of my fellow americans than i am today in light of last night jesse jackson and john lewis brought me to tears it s been too too long coming how i wish my husband were here to celebrate with me labels obama nation posted by unknown 1 02 pm 1 comments sunday october 12 2008 alone i confess i have been having trouble following snickollet s foray into dating of course i am thrilled that she is having fun with it and envious of her resilience i trust her to be smart and careful and to make good decisions for her own future happiness and those of her beautiful offspring i wish i could try it the fact is that i was horrible at dating before and i deeply deeply resent having to do it again when i am more than a decade older than when i met my husband i feel ugly stressed out drained and tired and i can t even imagine adding another person s needs and desires into the mix of course a real relationship would provide comfort and support and some desperately needed fun but i still don t feel like i am ready to get to know someone let alone make the foray into online contact my friends are surprisingly useless in terms of making matches for me one friend tried but it was abundantly clear that even if there had been sparks there weren t the guy was too hung up on his 8 year past ex wife to even consider dating whew at least i wasn t the problem i m not at heart a very friendly person i can be gregarious in certain situations but only when i feel completely in control of the level of contact a friend and i joke that this is why teaching is so perfect the illusion of great intimacy and affection with a bunch of students who go away after 4 months i have a hard time getting to know people in any setting that is not entirely directed toward something other than getting to know them work say and that is not going to happen at my current job i know it s hard for everyone and that it takes effort but the real problem is that i rarely like anyone that well on first impression especially if he is male and a potential date however remote that potential may be i realize it s some sort of immature self protective device but it s pretty firmly instilled by now and i am not in much of a position to work on changing it so after finally braving snick s blog and cheering for her she actually had sex i m feeling really really bad because it s been almost three years now and i m pathetic and i still miss him and he s never coming back labels sour grapes posted by unknown 3 04 pm 11 comments wednesday october 8 2008 true confessions part 741 1 my little chinese girl loves the dixie chicks and dolly parton seriously 2 she also loves obama we want mr obama to win don t we mama 3 i have to acknowledge that even though i d vote for obama anyway based on his policies and the opposition it doesn t hurt that i would totally like to date him if of course he were single and local labels tmi posted by unknown 11 35 am 5 comments thursday october 2 2008 dorcasina the upgrade 1 i am filled with embarrassing love for my ostentatious heavy pretentious safe solid maneuverable safe easy to handle slippery road proof and not too gas guzzling german automobile even though it makes me looks like the kind of woman who gives me hives y know selling out is easy and fun 2 my husband s beloved laptop an early ibook he was an early adopter although of limited means finally died no screen no booting up no nothin although they assured me at the mac store when i purchased its replacement that they could transfer the data my own ineptitude and failure to upgrade the operating system often enough meant they were unable to do so this rendered me temporarily and somewhat inconsolable his emails his file for me labeled in his usual unsentimental and concise style hereafter notes the animated tasmanian devil that he and my daughter once watched multiple times a day i can probably find someone to extract the hard drive and retrieve the data but at much more expense and inconvenience i suspect it s his way of urging me to be less maudlin but i resist 3 that very evening after asking the mac store guy about my 3 year long struggle to retrieve or replace the admin id password for my big computer the lack of which had prevented me from updating software installing new programs etc for almost 3 years now i figured it out it was utterly logical and so typically my husband he used a default name for the i d and my own usual password it really felt like a gift from the universe especially when updating the system did not erase every file i had all my photos for example from the computer thanks love 4 i ve taken to wearing my engagement and wedding rings mine and his again not every day but i missed the sparkly cognac diamond ring we chose together on ebay and while wearing the wedding rings makes me sad sometimes wearing the engagement ring is at least right now making me happy labels messages from the beyond rboc technology troubles posted by unknown 10 13 am 1 comments non academic thoughts on widowhood single motherhood and every once in a while academia and yes this will be on the final exam about me name unknown view my complete profile links google news edit me edit me previous posts hear me roar things to do with the second half of my life i quit anger mis management hallelujah alone true confessions part 741 dorcasina...