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Text of the page (random words):
mom insisted on living independently she wanted to live in the two story house she and my dad built in the 70s despite the fact that dad has been gone since 2016 and that house is far too much for her her care providers all kept telling us she was competent and there was nothing wrong with her making her own choices despite our lifetime of knowledge of our mother our love for her and our desire that she be safe so she chose she chose to be independent through her recovery from triple bypass surgery independent while caring for diabetic wounds that wouldn t heal independent while recovering from leg amputation independent dealing with all the everyday activities that get harder and harder for us all as we age she chose not to have professional in home care she wanted to be alone people applauded this independence despite any concerns to the contrary she s tough stubborn they said as if it was something that would protect her in her physically fragile state and then she had a stroke and fell on the bathroom floor or fell and had a stroke we do not know the order of things she s so strong she s so independent became she was all alone where were you children suddenly those very same independent choices people applauded became a condemnation of us the people who literally begged her to choose otherwise i want to physically fight everyone who says i m so sad about your mom and mom she literally can t see or remember and there are no more real choices to be had because she laid on the bathroom floor alone for too long because she didn t get help soon enough she is here but not really now she really is alone even when we are in the same room from her hospital bed she said to me i never thought this would happen to me and i smile all the while i want to scream at her we knew we tried to get her to see this very possibility but we were left with no choice because she was beyond reason and made foolish selfish choices i m so so so so angry about it i m so so so so angry at her and i m so so so so sad i feel like she stole from us all the pleasure of her company the warmth of her heart her killer sense of humor the light in her eyes what remains is a fraction of what she could have had and once again i come to this space that i know she hasn t read in a very long time that i know she can t read now to put it somewhere safe to once again mourn what might have been to let go of a life that only existed in my dreams later i ll go visit and she ll tell me the same stories two or three times and i ll force a smile and tomorrow we ll celebrate mother s day in the best way we can figure out how to do in this new normal because it is what it is and as i ve already learned all to well there is no turning back time but if anyone reads this if you take nothing else from here please take this advice do not do this to your family to the people that love you listen to them and respect them enough to really hear their concerns you don t have to live in fear you don t have to give up your independence entirely but at least be realistic and put some plans in place to at least give yourself a fighting chance that your golden years will be golden rather than filled with pain and sadness may 13 2023 no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels grief sunday july 03 2022 holiday breakup i read somewhere that watching sons grow up is like the longest slowest breakup you ll ever go through and it s true sam has informed me that steak and sparklers is a boring holiday and my heart is breaking it s always just been me trying my best to keep my head above water and appreciate what we have trying to make the most of this imperfect life but i know i could ve done better i know i could have made better choices and not wasted so much precious time and i know he ll never understand i m glad for that but the way he said steak and sparklers with such derision in his voice july 03 2022 no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels samuel thursday august 05 2021 just an underachieving gen x blogger with stories to tell my children have baby books that have only a handful of entries i haven t written them letters every year on their birthday like i planned i don t know why that s relevant but it feels like it is i tried a handwritten journal i made it through half the year my purple pen ran out of ink and that was my excuse to stop i picked up a gratitude journal this year and have been doing pretty good remembering to fill it in i used a blue pen so i wouldn t have an excuse to stop before instagram and twitter and tik tok and clicks and likes and monetization i started this blog as a means to talk about the fun in my life then life took me down a very dark and twisty road and this blog became a sort of therapy allowing me to type out all the dark and twisty thoughts giving them a place to go so they wouldn t rattle around in my brain and steal my joy completely but then lisa died and jill died and friends drifted away for a variety of reasons and i just couldn t continue here through the years i keep coming back here randomly but then something stops me from posting this isn t the place for clicks and likes and monetization and it feels almost dishonorable to take this place back to the everyday nonsense i m fairly certain i have no fan base clamoring for me to add my voice to the internet cacophony but i feel like this is my story and i don t want someone who stumbles on this place to think the dark and twisty place was the end it s true i ve written posts here while sobbing it s also true i ve written posts while laughing hysterically more importantly i ve felt a special kind of peaceful magic when i connect with kind people here i won t try to tell you that time heals all wounds i won t have words of wisdom or direction for anyone i myself marvel at how i ve made it to 49 years old with two amazing living children and a husband who still puts up with my brand of crazy there are so many stories to share and i feel like i might want to share them so maybe it s time to reclaim this place no clicks no likes no monetization just me august 05 2021 no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels miscellaneous thoughts i did my job i had a toddler at home and i did my job i welcomed foster animals and sent them to adoptive homes and i did my job i lost grandparents and i did my job my husband contemplated a job in atlanta and i did my job i grieve for three babies and i do my job i adopted horses and i did my job i gave birth to a living baby and i did my job i lost my dad and i did my job i lost pets and i did my job i opened and closed a photo studio and i did my job i have adapted to four different management styles over the last 18 years and i did do my job i m not perfect but i do what i can i dare you to come at me about my job performance august 05 2021 no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels at the office daily life and other stuff friday january 08 2021 last chance for his entire life i have given sam one more chance i have helped him as much as i could to succeed maybe that s why he didn t believe me when i told him that if he lied to me again he would no longer be welcome in my house he lied again he had no response no explanation no remorse he was given 30 minutes to leave my house and he left without so much as a word i am broken it s always the mother s fault right january 08 2021 no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels samuel tuesday december 15 2020 everything is most certainly not under control i feel like it s all slipping away the harder i try to maintain control the worse it gets quarantine 1 due to the 7th grade basketball team my mother is aging and slipping into her own world where we cannot reach her my adult son failed out of his first semester at college there s a global pandemic and my social 13 year old son isn t handling isolation well my job is in jeopardy because i don t have the right political affiliation my husband is a saint who takes care of so much and yet i can t stop finding fault only a very small portion of which is actually deserved quarantine 2 due to 18 year old s poor decision making skills christmas is postponed for at best 14 days at worst forever that feeling of death stalking me is back the fear is back i d like to say i m at peace no matter what happens but that would be a lie if something bad happens to my family again i don t know what i will do the worst feeling is that i could ve tried harder done better been kinder seen more worried less december 15 2020 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels grief miscellaneous thoughts myles samuel thursday november 12 2020 covid emotions myles has been asked by the middle school to quarantine due to possible covid exposure from an adult at his school he will be in quarantine through his 13th birthday next friday by extension i will be in quarantine because that s the safest thing to do i can t help but feel all the feelings i want to rant wear the damn mask it doesn t take anything from you and it s such a small ask i want to thank the contact who did wear a mask if we don t get sick it will be because s he wore a mask and followed health protocols i hope s he has mild symptoms and recovers quickly i want to cry because sam can t come home from college for the weekend and myles will miss his first basketball games and any sort of birthday celebration it s nothing in the grand scheme i know so many have lost so much it all makes me so sad i want to acknowledge my privilege i currently have a job that allows me the flexibility to work from home so that i can do my part to stop this damn pandemic thanks cecilia i also have resources and friends i can call on to help with the things that need done as the world keeps moving without us for two weeks this isn t the worst thing to ever happen to me so i want to recognize that with a grateful heart i want to draft my will because there is that fear i want to talk about veterans and how our society doesn t take care of them and how shameful that is see faces of covid on twitter for profiles of veterans who ve been lost to the pandemic see stop soldier suicide and national coalition for homeless veterans on facebook it s nice the photos and the thank you s but we can and should do better living through a pandemic is an emotional roller coaster that is for sure thanks for listening i ll try to keep the belly aching to a minimum this next week or so posted on facebook on veteran s day 2020 blog add i want to complain about the election in which an incredibly qualified attorney did not get enough votes to retain her seat i want to scream about how the person who did get the votes called and expected that she would be trained by the current officeholder but i can t because friends of friends you know how that goes the grapevine in a rural community is a nasty mess and i need my job for the time being i want to talk about being 48 years old and not wanting my career anymore about being disillusioned with public service and my fellow public servants i want to dream about possibilities that are far away from here that make me smile instead of giving me migraine headaches i want to talk about how it feels to have death constantly stalking you waiting for you to forget a mask or miss a streetlight or eat chicken that isn t fully cooked i m exhausted a teeny tiny virus bacteria germ killed my babies i know the power of a teeny tiny virus i keep trying to avoid the thoughts but they always find me paranoia fear grief sadness they won t leave me alone i want to collapse somewhere and have someone take care of me without having to worry that they are just covering their insecurities too knowing that they can handle it and it will be ok november 12 2020 no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels grief miscellaneous thoughts myles tuesday august 25 2020 healthy and happy i just want my kids to be healthy and happy and then your teenage tells you he want to be an engineer who designs weapons you spend countless hours sifting through your memories and wondering where the missteps were suddenly you realize that you ve been lying all this time you don t want him to be happy if his idea of happiness will bring more pain into this world you have to admit that you really just want him to be someone you can be proud of you have to recognize your failure because he doesn t give a shit about making you proud so you re a failure and a fraud august 25 2020 no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels daily life and other stuff samuel older posts home subscribe to posts atom mom my mom insisted on living independently she wanted to live in the two story house she and my dad built in the 70s despite the fact that da goodbye little bug unfortunately honey the baby is no longer alive ultrasound doctor crash when i was 18 years old i wasn t paying attention while driving and i crashed my parents van into a cruck car with a truck bed t baby myles update hi everyone this is cathy s husband stephen i am proud to announce that myles fisher entered the world this afternoon at 3 51 pm he search this blog pages home about us blog archive may 2023 1 july 2022 1 august 2021 2 january 2021 1 december 2020 1 november 2020 1 august 2020 1 july 2020 2 may 2020 1 april 2020 1 march 2020 1 november 2019 1 october 2019 2 november 2018 1 may 2017 1 april 2017 1 december 2016 1 october 2016 1 september 2016 1 july 2016 1 may 2016 1 april 2016 1 march 2016 2 february 2016 1 january 2016 2 may 2015 1 january 2015 1 december 2014 1 august 2014 1 june 2014 1 march 2014 1 november 2013 1 june 2013 1 may 2013 4 april 2013 2 march 2013 1 may 2012 2 april 2012 3 march 2012 1 january 2012 1 december 2011 1 november 2011 1 october 2011 3 september 2011 3 april 2011 2 february 2011 1 january 2011 4 december 2010 7 november 2010 4 october 2010 4 september 2010 5 august 2010 8 july 2010 10 june 2010 20 may 2010 32 april 2010 38 march 2010 12 february 2010 14 january 2010 20 december 2009 5 november 2009 7 october 2009 16 september 2009 27 august 2009 12 july 2009 18 june 2009 14 may 2009 24 april 2009 20 march 2009 35 february 2009 30 january 2009 29 december 2008 29 november 2008 34 october 2008 31 september 2008 32 august 2008 34 july 2008 31 june 2008 17 may 2008 24 april 2008 26 march 2008 20 february 2008 27 january 2008 26 december 2007 31 november 2007 25 october 2007 33 september 2007 29 august 2007 30 july 2007 31 june 2007 37 may 2007 36 april 2007 57 march 2007 46 february 2007 54 january 2007 56 december 2006 49 november 2006 47 october 2006 43 september 2006 63 august 2006 73 july 2006 73 june 2006 71 may 2006 50 april 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