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Text of the page (random words):
pulled another jacket off the rack i had to admit it was nice i tried it on and i actually thought it looked pretty decent as i looked in the mirror she stood behind me smiling and nodding approvingly now this looks nice on you she said i was about to speak when she added it looks nice on you because it s cut very big bitch suffice it to say i did not buy the jacket even if i had wanted it badly enough to be willing to sell my soul for it there was no fucking way that idiot was making a commission off me oh and then there was the time i asked if they had a certain item available in a certain size it wasn t an unreasonable question they had plenty of other stuff in my size but the chick eyed me up and down and said i ll check but you could tell what she really meant was i doubt it but i ll humor you not even 30 seconds later she came back with a slight but not imperceptible smirk i m sorry we only have it in a size 2 i don t think that size will work for you i wanted a trap door to open below her so she could plummet to her death but since that didn t happen i went to find her manager unfortunately the manager was not available so i didn t get to complain and suggest that they baste her with honey and set fire ants on her as an aside do you know how many years i d have to be dead to fit into a size 2 then there was the time i went to a dermatologist for a skin cancer screening because my complexion is about the color of this swatch the doctor came into the examination room took one look at me and said oh are you here about your rosacea i am now i thought thanks and most recently i was in macy s browsing in the makeup and perfume areas on the ground floor i like buying makeup and perfume because you don t have to deal with dressing rooms and the evil scrutiny of fluorescent lighting anyway i stopped in front of a counter at random to read a message on my phone a cute and perky little thing in her early twenties bounced towards me hiiiiii are you looking for a concealer to cover those dark circles under your eyes i thought about saying no but you might need something to cover up the dark bruises after i punch you in the throat instead i said yes please i bought the concealer don t judge me so there you have it five sorry tales there are many others but if i write about them i ll wind up on the floor in the fetal position again i invite you to share your sad tales but only if you can do so without jeopardizing your mental and emotional health tweet print opens in new window print more email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr like loading in life this is why i hate clothes shopping i have no time for size 2 dressing rooms are the deepest circle of hell madame weebles chats with anne boleyn april 25 2016 in the past i ve had the pleasure of chatting with some illustrious figures from history you may recall my conversations with abraham lincoln and edgar allan poe it had been quite some time since i had communed with the spirit world so i decided it was time to say hi again i began my session by dimming the lights closing my eyes and meditating but just as a spirit began to materialize the connection was abruptly severed one of the weeblettes had wandered in saw the ectoplasm and went batshit crazy swatting at it and hissing i really need to remember to keep the cats out of the room when i m summoning the dead i had just closed the door when i heard swearing i turned around to see a woman s glowing head hovering in front of me and scowling it s bad enough i was beheaded once now i have to be disembodied too history has no shortage of women who had their heads chopped off so i quickly made a mental list of beheaded women marie antoinette mary queen of scots anne boleyn she rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh nice of you to remember me she said i didn t think the attitude was called for but in fairness i had never been locked in the tower of london and executed i d probably be pretty bitchy too if i were her editor s note a lot of people think madame weebles is pretty bitchy anyway mw so i d invite you to have a seat but well you know ab you don t expect me to hover here indefinitely do you i can still sit i m still able headed her head floated over to the chair opposite me and settled onto the seat i considered offering her a cup of tea but decided against it mw let s get to the questions about the beheading first ab not much to tell really my rat bastard husband accused me of adultery incest and high treason threw me into the tower and had me executed end of story he s since apologized but frankly it s too little too late i m still not speaking to him mw that sucks you deserved better ab at least he had the decency to get an executioner who knew what he was doing he took off my head cleanly with just one blow of his sword mary queen of scots wasn t so lucky it took them 3 blows of an axe to remove her head completely really grisly stuff if you meet her and she volunteers to stage a reenactment of her execution decline consider yourself warned mw duly noted okay now that we ve gotten that out of the way i have to ask ab you want to know about the codpiece don t you mw how did you know ab easy everyone wants to know about the codpiece henry viii s armor and codpiece to protect the crown jewels mw well ab let s put it this way he had delusions of grandeur if you know what i m saying mw i think i do yes ab you have no idea how many people have asked me about it catherine the great was especially disappointed to learn the truth mw i m sure she was now tell me about your daughter queen elizabeth i ab i laugh my ass off every time someone refers to her as the virgin queen as if but she was the best queen ever victoria hates it when i say that if she says we are not amused one more time i m going to bitch slap her into next year mw you know for someone who died almost 500 years ago you have a remarkable grasp of modern vernacular and swear words ab i try to keep current with the lingo it helps when i meet the newbies not many of them speak 16th century english mw have you befriended many of the recently dead ab oh plenty of them at the moment i m angling for an introduction to david bowie because he s really hot but johann bach of course has been monopolizing his time since he arrived giggling like a little fanboy so embarrassing you have no idea how awful suffragette city sounds when played on the harpsichord mw when you finally do meet david bowie please tell him we miss him down here and please send prince our fond regards too and with that queen anne and i bid each other farewell her head floated gracefully into the air and slowly vanished tweet print opens in new window print more email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr like loading in ghostly chats history yeah i know i know april 18 2016 hello again friends i know i know it s been a while almost a year i really had planned on posting regularly again but you know how it is sometimes your brain says nah i m shutting this down so i spent many months immersed in grief and existential angst and not even in a cool glamorous way with the moping artfully wearing the black turtleneck and carrying around the dog eared copy of sartre this is mostly my dad s fault by the way as many of you know dad had the nerve to die 18 months ago way to cramp my style bro grief barges in whenever it wants and it camped out with me for a while but i recently realized that he wouldn t approve of this he d say grieve for a little while if you have to but don t drag it out and take up so much valuable time he was infuriatingly sensible he read my blog regularly so i think he d be happy that i m posting again and this time i mean it i ve even written a few more posts already before i continue i wanted to thank everyone who contributed to the rawrlove for rara campaign it was a huge success and a great help to rara whose inner strength in the face of impossibly awful adversity never ceases to amaze me also big hugs to everyone who emailed me to find out how i was doing i ve been criminally bad about replying to everyone but i will for now i just wanted to say that i have deeply appreciated your care and kindness i don t have anything particularly exciting to report since we last visited except that i now have two more tattoos this one is in honor of my dad it s his initials in nautical flags then for my first non memorial ink i got this one to show the intertwining of space and time because i dig that shit this baby involved six hours under the tattoo gun six hours strangely it didn t hurt as much as my first tattoo but you have my permission to shoot me if i ever consider sitting for that long again and by far the most important thing that happened since we last chatted is that i saw rush at madison square garden it was fucking awesome if you heard an unearthly squealing sometime on the night of june 29th that was me sorry i couldn t help myself you know i love me some geddy here s a photo of him with those two other guys don t think i didn t contemplate leaping onto the stage because i contemplated it very seriously but i d probably have been arrested and who knows if mr weebles would have bailed me out so what s up with you share with me anything you want tell me what you had for breakfast tell me your thoughts on the season finale of the walking dead tell me which presidential candidate you most want to plunge into a vat of boiling oil or whatever else you want to talk about i ll be back next monday and in the meantime i m going to visit with you guys at your blogs as well because i ve missed you all by the way you look smokin hot today tweet print opens in new window print more email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr like loading in life random thoughts uncategorized geddy lee i m back yet again trump and cruz should be sealed in an airtight crypt rawrlove for rara june 1 2015 we interrupt our regular programming i know i know the programming hasn t been regular for a while i m getting to that to bring you this very important message this one is for rara the well loved blogger whom you may know as rarasaur as you may already know rara has been serving a prison sentence for the past year we don t have to get into the details here she has written about her situation in detail on her blog suffice it to say she was given a bum rap she s scheduled to be released in a few months a few weeks ago her beloved husband whom you may know as grayson queen also known as dave died suddenly he died way too soon and way too young his last posts are haunting he wrote of not feeling well and described some troubling symptoms and then the posts stopped djmatticus took on the unenviable and difficult task of announcing the news about dave s death he has been good enough to keep us posted on the memorial service and most importantly on how rara is holding up under the circumstances i don t know how anyone would hold up but here s what i do know when rara is released she s going to need some help she ll need the love and kindness of her friends and family but she ll also need assistance of a more practical nature click on this cute little guy to donate so here s where you and i come in i ve created a gofundme campaign for rara called rawrlove for rara you can click on this link or on the little dinosaur to go to the campaign page and donate you can reblog this post you can share the link in your blog facebook page twitter feed email messages whatever the important thing is that we help rara get back on her feet because when she s released she ll have very little to start off with i m going to keep the gofundme campaign active until we meet but hopefully exceed the donation target i will also keep the little dinosaur fella on my blog throughout the campaign and you can click on it anytime to get to the donation page all money raised will go to rara many many thanks to all of you in advance and extra thanks to the righteous djmatticus for writing the campaign description on the gofundme page i promise promise promise i ll be back with an irreverent and swear laden post soon in the meantime you look really fetching today that color suits you so well you really should wear it more often tweet print opens in new window print more email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on reddit opens in new window reddit share on tumblr like loading in uncategorized see you on the other side dad october 14 2014 so yeah i haven t been around for a while this is why over the past several months my dad braved a massive onslaught the evil ravages of severe copd liver disease bladder cancer and a handful of other medical problems he had an astonishingly strong constitution but he was so tired from fighting such a difficult battle dad died on saturday morning october 11th 2 months and 13 days short of his 76th birthday i was with him during his final days we talked we even laughed a few times and i told him everything i wanted him to know i also said i d be pissed if he didn t stop by every so often to haunt us and fuck with our lights we weren t with him when he died i think he wanted to check out on his own without us hovering i know he s happy to be free of all that illness bullshit i know because when my mother called to say he had just died i felt a cloud of energy wrap itself around my head and shoulders like a shawl it was full of happiness relief love and peace it was dad without a doubt letting me know he was fine now i couldn t stop smiling for several hours after that that was his final gift to me everything looks strange as if viewed through a filter or from a warped angle i can look at something blue and know that it s blue but the color doesn t look right somehow objects appear closer or further away than they actually are my normal surroundings look familiar but foreign the reality sometimes slams me out of the blue dad is really gone it helps me to know he s okay but it doesn t keep me from crying anyway enough about me this is about my dad and in honor of his 100 irish ancestry his twisted sense of humor and his fondness for the occasional cocktail or two i m holding a virtual irish wake for him where we ll eat drink celebrate his life and tell some stories he d like that so help yourself to some refreshments mingle with the other guests pour your favorite tipple gin tea soda beer whatever and let me tell you a few dad stories for starters dad had the best poker face of anyone i ve ever known it s a shame he didn t actually play poker because he could have cleaned up and retired early between the poker face and the gravitas in his voice he could have you believing almost anything he said when we were at restaurants he liked distracting me during dessert so that i d look away when i looked back ...