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the first time because i checked to see if i could see it with the nightlite and i couldn t so i threw it away again only to dig it out one more time and about that how is it that i m throwing it with such force that it keeps getting buried deep into the little waste basket so now i ve done searches on evap lines and i really think that s what it is but because of my neurosis i will now need to go buy more tests try again stupid insanity i really am not taking this seriously but now i have to see posted by m at 11 18 am 1 comment bfn well no real surprise i have a feeling i will be a full of symptoms kind of gal and i ve had none other than af not showing when i expected i m going to e mail my doctor for the re referral and also check out another fertility clinic start committing myself to that process don t worry no tears here just resignation ps is it odd that i don t tell my dh when i m testing he gets so anxious the one time i did with lots of nail biting and it s just easier on me when i tell him later if at all he figures it out when af shows posted by m at 5 11 am 2 comments friday august 29 2008 14 dpo right now i m wishing i had charted this month at least then i d know if there was really a chance or not i m not feeling any symptoms any different than when af shows i have one pg test at home i think maybe i have more stashed away somewhere so i think i ll use it tomorrow am see if anything develops in the last few months my luteal phase has lasted between 10 days 15 days so again no clues here argh i wasn t putting any hope into this month and now i m feeling a glimmer of possibility i hate getting my hopes up i ll briefly update tomorrow am posted by m at 3 55 pm 2 comments saturday august 16 2008 pink is not my favorite color but you wouldn t be able to tell that by looking at me oy vey i am very sunburned pink white stripes all over my bod ok don t feel too bad for me i got his sunburn in maui where i ve been for the past week we re here with my parents and we were supposed to be here with 6 other family members but when ata went out of business they couldn t afford to take a chance that they would get their money back rebook for almost twice the price on united the reason that we bought new tickets right away on united was because i knew without a doubt we would get our money back how did i know that because we bought travel insurance that covered this exact scenario however this wasn t the reason that we bought the insurance when we were making our reservations the day that the tickets became available 11 months ago i really thought was sure that i d either be pregnant or have a baby by the time this trip came up so in case that i d be in labor or have a few week old baby or just be too pregnant to fly we bought trip insurance so when i reflect on that every once in a while i do feel a tinge of sadness and a rueful sense of disappointment that i ever thought i would be pregnant this year luckily the feeling passes quickly enough i really just focus on how much fun i m having with my wonderful husband and my fun parents and how lucky i am to have both i m not charting anymore mainly because i ve gone out of town so much the past few months that i haven t been able to keep on a consistent waking schedule so why bother but i have been using my cbefm and i was excited to get a peak reading while here in maui yay for tropical bding ick too much info plus i hate that term but do you really want me to spell it out any more so i better end this now so i can enjoy my last evening here in paradise on my local board of the nest our signature challenge this week was to include a photo in our siggy of where the magic happens here s my entry for this week posted by m at 6 33 pm 2 comments friday august 1 2008 steps forward and backward maybe after the adoption orientation last week dh i were able to talk a bit about our next steps what s fantastic is that our conversations were not heavy emotion laden discussions but just normal conversations where we voiced our thoughts and found that we were pretty much on the same page about everything so we ve decided that if we were to adopt and since the time frame can be quick or slow it would be in our best interest to have quite a lot more money saved this way our savings actually can go towards me staying at home as long as possible and going back to work in some capacity later on very part time but we still want to pursue me getting pregnant i just don t think we re past giving up that idea yet so i e mailed my doctor asked his thoughts on me going on clomid for another few months he said sure no problem 3 more months here you go after that he really needs to refer me to a specialist so we re going to try clomid again i m going to go ahead get the referral for the specialist since i have a feeling it will take a while to get in then after 3 months on clomid or by the advice of the re we ll try an iui if it s recommended for us maybe two if that s a failure then i think that s as far as we ll go on our own and we ll continue the adoption path i really don t feel that adoption is a lesser option it s exciting and scary and takes a lot of mental preparation besides the financial prep so we ll go at our own pace and our own time and that s what s right for us so i went to go get my clomid yesterday i decided to transfer it to walmart since kaiser doesn t cover it i went to the pharmacy and the pharmacy tech was trying to check me out but he looked confused about the number of pills i was getting he called over to the pharmacist who looked at me yelled out i just gave you 10 50 mgs each maybe that s all you ll need right um yeah thanks hopefully that s all i ll need what ever happened to discretion in other news i updated my nor cal etsy directory a listing of etsy zazzle cafe press stores featuring nor cal nesties fantastic items http norcaletsy blogspot com posted by m at 1 13 pm 4 comments sunday july 27 2008 meet rye with all the craziness that has been ruling my life lately i totally forgot to mention a very important new member of our household rye after maraya passed we knew that our home wasn t complete without the maximum number of cats allowed in our apartment which happens to be 2 with maraya gone minty seemed really subdued which was surprising since a she is a bundle of energy usually and b she maraya were not friends maraya didn t like cats so we thought getting a kitten would bring some new energy in the house and also give some companionship to mints dh had agreed that we could get a kitten after we came back from mendocino since we really didn t want to get a new cat then leave it alone i was on board but then i started doing the dumbest thing possible i started looking at petfinder com it was there that i saw this picture and i knew that i had to have him i was wanting another siamese mix because minty s personality is so likable and her dominant traits are very siamese like vocal friendly independent boisterous also she plays fetch that s also a siamese trait so i started looking at pets in our zip code and then kept expanding and expanding and expanding until i came across rye who was 120 miles away i e mailed his foster mom at 10 00 pm to see if he was still available yep but they were bringing him to petco in the morning to be displayed with the other foster cats well looking at the site i could tell that rye was the absolute cutest cat they had he would be snatched up immediately so i had just a few hours to convince my dh to agree to this whim of mine it took all night with a lot of pleading crying general emotional manipulation on my part which i ve apologized for profusely his resistance wasn t to getting a cat but that we had the remaining chairs to our dining room set to be delivered the next morning plus the drive was excessive expensive plus we were two weeks away from mendocino so the next morning we drove up to sacramento met rye he was the sweetest lightest little thing when you hold him he just goes limp and gazes into your eyes he s so cute he definitely had a week of adjusting lots of whining we called him little whimps no eye contact with us was only interested in minty who saw his distress took to completely mothering him even letting him nurse to help calm him down but he s now a fun member of the family he s really gentle and playful when i took him to the vet the vet tech told me i had the best kitten ever aw words to make a mom proud you can see more pics here rye minty gallery but here s a couple of teasers posted by m at 11 08 am 4 comments labels kitten minty rye friday july 25 2008 technical update eh i thought i could edit comments before they were posted meaning if you put your e mail address in a comment i could take it out before posting nope i was wrong so if you d like your comment posted but you d also like to send me a note with your e mail address just send two comments i ll post the one without the e mail address sorry i m blogger is so lame posted by m at 2 42 pm no comments adoption orientation last night i normally don t blog from work but i really wanted to share my experiences with the domestic adoption orientation we went to yesterday before i forget any of the details we arrived way early much earlier than i thought we would be since we had to go about 50 miles in rush hour traffic luckily there were two of us so we could carpool lane it most of the way we sat around a horseshoe shaped conference table and briefly introduced ourselves well some of us were brief others rambled on a bit but for the most part really great questions were asked i was so nervous for my dh he s very shy and i don t even know if knew what he was doing there so the whole time while i was listening to others speak i was silently wondering what my dh would say but then i introduced myself said a couple of words and then it was my dh s turn and the coordinator just moved on to the rest of the orientation so all my worry was for nothing but um why was he skipped i think the others had just taken up so much time and i had mentioned his name in my introduction and waved toward his direction when introducing ourselves so it must have just seemed like i was doing the talking for both of us which i wasn t really most of the information was already on their website which i ve read every single page so it was probably a better orientation for my dh to attend than me but i got quite a bit out of it i feel a real connection to this agency and i m pretty sure that if this is the route we ll take then this is the agency for us somethings i liked they have been in business for over 20 years and are part of a larger faith based service organization jewish which serves a lot of different facets of the community unless you do some digging you would not know that they are part of a faith based organization this is very important to us because neither of us are religious at all so many other agencies i saw were so heavy handed with their religion that i felt intimidated and turned off i feared that potential birthparents would only be looking for people with similar religious beliefs and we would not be the right family plus we re a mixed ethnicity couple and honestly i don t feel that we fit in with the other agencies with this one i feel like we bring something unique yet we re not so glaringly wrong that we would not find a match i want to make mention that i am in no way make a comment about other people who are religious the majority if not 100 of the adoption blogs i read are written with faith as a main factor in their search in their lives i love the support that faith gives to those that have it the directors are social workers themselves and have seem to have everyone s best interests in mind they are supportive of a potential birthmom s decision to parent or to not parent or even terminate and will find her services to help her there doesn t appear to be any coercion or guilt and that s really important to me they support open adoption they appear professional but warm there are a ton more reasons that i like them but those are some of the important ones also their fees seem pretty low the homestudy fee is a little higher than i ve seen it s in the 2 000 00 range but their outreach advertising fee is lower 3 500 00 when i add up all the fixed costs homestudy advertising placement finalization the amount comes to about 12 000 00 what i don t know about is how much counseling or other expenses the birthmom will need or what legal fees will be if any again i want to stress that we haven t decided that we are definitely going to adopt we still need to talk quite a bit more about it but it feels great getting all this info my dh really gets the process now and i m so glad because i have a really hard time explaining things to him he s analytical i m um a bit more scattered i ll send anyone the link to the organization if you want just send me a comment with your e mail address comments are moderated so i ll remove your e mail if i publish the comment ok back to work posted by m at 12 37 pm 3 comments wednesday july 23 2008 topics llamas massage fairyland adoption one post every month isn t the sign of a great blogger but i ve been sooo busy lately our 3rd anniversary was at the end of june i happen to heart llamas and other barnyard animals especially sheep so my husband very kindly allowed me to make reservations at this funky place called lodging llamas in mendocino our cabin the water tower i was hoping to go on a llama trek but the weather was weird and the air quality wasn t great from all the fires so we didn t do it instead i got to hang out in the llama goat corral and tried to make friends with the llamas which unfortunately wanted nothing to do with me here s an unflattering photo of me trying to make nice with one of the llamas the goats however were very interested the next weekend i flew off to los angeles to visit my cousin and her two little girls while there she treated me to a thai massage at a place that seemed a bit sketchy i started writing about it just now but quickly realized it would take a whole lot longer than i have waiting for my clothes to finish washing for me to tell the story i think you just had to be there then my cousin drove up here so on the weekend i spent some more time with her the girls we went to fairyland in oakland this was the first time i had been back there since i was a little girl my dad used to take me almost every weekend it s changed some but for the most part it s the same place it was fantastic experiencing it through a child s eyes again but the girls need to be a little older to really appreciate it they are 1 3 this past weekend i finally had time to just catch up on stuff around the house see no real time for blogging at all the last few weeks in fertility news i haven t done much of anything except use the cbefm got 2 peak days without clomid yay i guess i m in the 2ww but i m not really th...