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it is drowning empty empty chairs at empty tables flood lyrics health hysterectomy invisible lavh life losing something me me cfs part of me died ravh tomb transparency chronic fatigue syndrome fibromyalgia personal please be patient with me june 19 2018 find focus 5 comments i m not sure what i want to write not even sure it s a good plan to be writing at all but my heart is full of so much right now that it s making me sick to my stomach and causing a throbbing ache in my head this will probably be pretty disjointed as i just try to purge some of the excess so please try to be patient with me recently i ve fallen off the map for a lot of people one of people i am closest to told me a few days ago they sometimes wished they could disappear i cynically responded you and me both but here s the thing in a way i actually have my life has become such a balancing act of managing stress paying bills going to work controlling me cfs symptoms putting on a happy face and trying to meet expectations of others that i m exhausted before most days are halfway through evening finds me stumbling along in a similar pattern night after night pretending i m getting along just fine while inside well inside i m not for those that have watched me slowly disappear i hope you know me well enough to realize it s not a conscious choice and will accept my heartfelt apology for not being very present for those that ve been inundated with my problems and insecurities i hope you continue to find grace to deal with me while i navigate through it all if you re one of those i ve entrusted with fears and concerns you re in an unenviable place but the only true thing i need from you is your presence and support that s all for various reasons and in different circumstances criticism has been piled upon me left and right until i m suffocating from the lack of value i feel so the vulnerability and extremely low self worth seeping from my pores it s authentic and deep rooted if you re not able to hang with me through this then perhaps we were never as important to one another as i thought trying to open up to someone and being shut down ignored or belittled really makes it that much more of an uphill climb and i need you on my team right now it s small enough as it is if you care about me at all please don t turn away regardless of what i might tell you in my happier or delusional moments i am not fine truly and my fervent hope is that you do care and i might somehow learn to find my value again by seeing i also have worth in your eyes for those not in the know i m going to try to be brave and open for a minute in case it might go the extra mile in helping someone else one day my year has been okay so far much better than a lot of people so i try not to complain particular incidences however have sucked and made everything feel it s going to shit sorry nanny if you re reading this it seems it all happened around the time i had a bad month with a dangerous infection behind my tonsil that left me unable to talk or swallow it hurt to merely breathe the doc took one look at it and within 15 minutes had surgical items set up in the room to perform what bobby dubbed my barbaric john wayne procedure with no more anesthesia than a shot and very little coddling that involved a scalpel and the roof back corner of my mouth i won t share more detail but it was pretty brutal stuff that i was told most patients don t handle well and often pass out from i thankfully did not but it sucked all the same around the same time i found out i m going to have to have a complete hysterectomy many women i ve talked too have said in almost identical tones you re so lucky i wish i could have one and i understand honestly but here s the thing i don t i never wished that and although the intervening months have helped me come to a uneasy and precarious acceptance of the situation i cannot stress enough that it has been devastating to me in ways i can t put into words true my marriage has been rocky and my health is bad but i always thought i d have children even as i got older and it became an increasingly tiny possibility even as i accepted in my head that it was never going to happen even as my husband and i tried to console one another and find joy in other things a part of my heart failed to accept the terms so finding out my uterus is enlarged and riddled with enough fibroids to rival the size of a 3 4 month pregnancy has forced my heart to acknowledge what was supposed to be a foregone conclusion something in me died when i heard that something that will never be fixed and never be reclaimed between that moment and this i ve been accused of being combative lazy selfish pessimistic stupid and told i m taking too much time to deal with the situation and need to get on with it i ve heard it all and sadly it usually comes from a friend not foe someone said in a frustrated and cynical way that with my astounding tendency for bad luck the hospital should have extra blood on hand for transfusions during surgery they laughed i laughed the conversation moved on and then i came home and cried because that s truly the way it typically goes that s not a pity party speaking either cfs has taught me to prepare for the worst case scenario and be thrilled if things work out even slightly better in the midst of all this i ve lost the desire to be social i ve shut myself off from people that might otherwise help me through i ve opened up to all the blackest darkest thoughts that can crowd my mind and found rare moments of solace when my sister fiercely said that is so fucking unfair or my sis in law s eyes filled with tears at the news because she immediately knew where my heart fell in this matter i ve tried to self medicate with denial or anger quiet acceptance i ve watched my blood pressure slowly increase alongside my depressive anxiety states attempting to counterbalance those negatives by being more active while also carefully monitoring my me cfs symptoms so as not to push myself into a crash the last few months have been pretty tense and the juggling act is not for the faint of heart yet quite a few of the people know the situation seem to expect i can handle it all on my own it s not that my exterior isn t tough and my determination stout but this is harder than it looks plenty of people will read this and it ll be the first they ve heard of the matter some of them the closest people in my life it hasn t been in me to talk about it except in the rarest moments my energy has been diverted toward existing toward battling the agonizing pain and exhaustion those blasted fibroids put me in at least two weeks of every month toward maintaining a job and as much of a household as i can manage toward outward appearances to avoid 1000 questions and painful conversations realizing at every turn that i ve done a piss poor job in almost every area of my life thus far relationships household workplace kindness and grace so i ask again please be patient with me i know this hasn t been the most articulate post and it may or may not even fully make sense it was necessary however for me to write it out somewhere and while my instinct is to keep it private with so many of my other health struggles i can t help but think someone out there might need to know they aren t alone someone might read this and discover another person truly understands another woman s life may be on the edge of a huge change that feels like a period rather than a comma or semicolon of life and it may give them comfort please take care of each other and try to remember you can t tell a person s struggles just by looking at the expression on their face being scared disappearing family fibroids fibromyalgia finding courage friends health hysterectomy life me me cfs relationships transparency uterine fibroids women personal a non moms view of mother s day may 8 2016 find focus 8 comments my mother is fantastic i owe so many of the fabulous things that i am and have to her it has always been a blessing to call her mom and i m so happy to celebrate her today and every day the truth however is that mother s day is difficult and painful for me because i am not a mom and never will be my purty mother mother s day is beautiful and i always enjoy hearing the wonderful things friends and family share about the special women in their lives none of us would be here without a mom of our own whether biological extended family adopted chosen or unknown there are so many types of mothers in the world and a woman who has raised or nurtured a child in any way is an amazing sight to behold they multitask practice phenomenal amounts of grace act as caretaker doctor cook maid teacher moral compass friend disciplinarian cheerleader counselor the list frankly is too long to fit in a single post suffice it to say it s an incredible job and undertaking mothering has to be the most difficult job mine excels at it however every year when we celebrate and recognize that fantastic group of women deservedly there is a different group of women that suffer in silence these are the women that for one reason or another should be mothers but are not these are the women that never found a mate to start a family with endured miscarriages experienced the pain of infertility were dealt a life of poor health are estranged from their children were unable to adopt or have given up their child into adoption these are women that had a family and lost their children through a divorce women that lost a child who ran away was in an accident was a victim of crime these women should be mothers but for myriad reasons are not i am one of these women mother at one point i couldn t even say the word without a pang of desperation each time i logged on to social media and looked at my friend s adorable offspring i had to quickly scroll past their pictures or run the risk of bursting into tears i wrote blog posts about the struggle commercials tv shows movies or families spending time together at the park or a festival i was attending could send my emotions into a tailspin and still sometimes do i recall painful mother s day church services hearing the pastor ask mothers to stand and be recognized only to feel humiliated and empty like less of a female surrounded by all of the standing women in the motherhood club at times i ve held an infant or child in my motherless arms simultaneously being pulled in two directions half of me honored and rejoicing with the parent letting me hold their precious baby the other half ripping apart inside knowing that cuddly moment was fleeting and would end with me walking away as barren and childless as i was walking into the situation just writing about it now brings tears to my eyes i know parenting isn t easy and that there are probably times at least some wonder what in the hell they were getting themselves into i know individuals and couples that actively choose not to parent for various reasons still other men and women aren t meant to parent or are not capable and knowing that give their child into adoption so that someone else may provide a life for it all people at some point in their lives question whether they should or should not have a family and i respect whatever decision they come to in their circumstances please just understand that it s difficult for some of us because the decision may not have fully been in our control if i don t come out on a play date with you and your children it s not because i don t love you guys or want you to include me in your lives if you re talking about your kids and my eyes look a little red or my smile seems forced it s not because i m not interested in hearing the stories you have to tell if you post a picture on social media and i don t leave a comment or click like it s not that your family isn t cute and worthy of a minute of my time no matter how i know you i m happily your friend neighbor family member or colleague and long to share in your life and the lives of the youngsters you adore just know that some days it s more difficult to accept my situation but despite that i don t want you to stop sharing with me there are moments that the sting is a little sharper but it has nothing to do with you i promise sometimes my mommy instinct flag is just flying higher than usual on those days there is a lump in my throat an ache in my chest and a noticeable emptiness to my arms merely because on mother s day and every other day i simply long to be a part of your ranks i owe so much to this lovely woman please be kind to one another and please love all women in your life today until next time thanks for coming along on my journey h adoption any woman can be a mom babies baby challenges child childless mom childless mother children emotional empty nest explore emotions extended family families family family issues grief heartache heartbreak holidays are tough kids loss miscarriage mom mom without children moms mother without children mother s day motherhood mothering mothers non mom parenting parents personal personal experiences personal struggle personal struggles women womens topics personal writing shaken not stirred march 7 2016 find focus leave a comment light is gone nimble fingers of darkness chase its rushed retreat leaving me no will no hope no breath no life drenched in tears and i am stripped to the bone peeled back the layers of my mask my childhood my insecurities my love and all of the other waste rises to the surface waiting to be sloughed off detritus of my soul shaken not stirred h 2016 findfocus wordpress com heather m tolley all rights reserved challenges darkness darkness and light darkness inside insecurities love mask night personal personal struggle personal struggles poem poetry wearing masks writing photography uncategorized writing words of the past this wednesday poetry from years ago february 10 2016 find focus leave a comment i ve been working on new posts but have neglected to finish any recently with that in mind i went back to some old poems and pulled a few out that caught my eye for one reason or another i m rather undecided about whether or not i think they re good but still there is something about most of them that appeals to me here is an untitled piece that is at least 15 years old hope you enjoy closing sunset s door night creeps in without offering a candle imprisoning me with the stench of desperation it wraps its charred fingers around my throat and chokes out any hint of light remaining in my dismal room lulling me with its siren song the twilight offers a flicker a flame through the warped and greasy lens of age i glimpse one last vestige of an ambient dawn exultant and guileless like cartwheels in the sun the mirage falters and fades burning my retinas for the briefest moment in its glorious jubilation and then night returns creeping into each far corner and extinguishing the beacon of my memory leaving cold oppression in this claustrophobic room h 2016 findf...