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one beating on my door i don t remember opening it or even talking to anyone the next morning i found myself next to lauren it was the start of our dysfunctional relationship we found comfort in our pain we rarely spoke to each other i never once saw or heard her cry neither one of us knows what happened on that first night just that we woke up together looking back i should have seen her death coming she was weak just like him i stagger back to class to find it empty lynn just left we ve now officially become wake up next to each other friends last night was the first time since we ve started hanging out that she didn t call me to see what i was doing fridays we used to pre party together fridays we used to go out together and by saturday we were headed in separate directions last night i started getting ready around 7 by 9 lynn hadn t called or stopped by by 9 i could see the writing on the wall at 3am my phone rang i had just staggered in from a marie s place i didn t call before i stopped by her place i just showed up on my way home from a typical friday night college party marie wasn t home and i wasn t surprised her roommate was home painting some horrible mural on the living room wall above the couch i hung out there long enough to put 20 bucks up my nose and a few shots of vodka in my stomach and then made my escape when marie s roommate started in her nervous bright eyed way to flirt with me maybe i m flattering myself maybe it was the coke that made the vibe change but i knew it was time to walk away i had just walked in when my phone rang it was lynn she wanted to stop by at least she spent the whole night we even had breakfast at the little café down the street and saw a movie when she left i could still smell her perfume around my apartment i opened all the windows and pulled the fan out of the closet in the month since the memorial i ve become a once or twice a week stop on lynn s fuck buddy rotation through the week when she called last night i almost didn t answer the phone i sat there finger bouncing back and forth between answer and ignore finally i caved i hit answer i should have hit ignore i d spent the night with a few friends watching movies and relaxing after midterms sunday a few of us fly out for florida spring break go local sports team by the time she called it was just me and my close friend james that s jim beam to you but we re such good friends i call him james that s an alcoholics joke that joke is more like a friendship litmus test if i tell it and they laugh or at least smile then we re good if that joke makes them want a drink all the better but if they re horrified uncomfortable then well maybe we should pursue different interests somewhere i ve forgotten that people don t drink by themselves that it violates social acceptability even if the tv is on they still consider it drinking alone even if i m watching sports or porn they don t think things like do i have enough alcohol to make it through the night or maybe i could talk the pizza guy into picking up a bottle of gin by the time lynn arrived at my place i was doing my best to achieve blackout sunk into my couch with my bottle and a glass of coke too lethargic to even mix a drink i was just taking shots and chasing them with soda when she walked in though my body reacted even if my brain didn t want to to be fair she looked amazing there s this way she enters a room slow relaxed like she already arrived and is just waiting for her body to catch up she was all legs in that skirt and there was no way i could say no to that but its not her legs which are amazing or her ass which begs to be squeezed or even her breasts which i swear if you look up perfection in the dictionary there ll be a picture of its her smile i ve always been a sucker for a woman s smile her smile makes you feel like you re the only person left on earth her smile is so warm that it makes me a little light headed and when she laughs and her eyes light up i can feel my heart in my throat later though when she was on top of me crying out my brain wouldn t let it go where am i in the rotation i got a friday spot that s got to count for something right did she plan to be here when she started the night or was i an afterthought did she call someone else first before she called me and he just happened to be out was she even thinking of me or of that other guy who wasn t home after she passed out i lay in bed and tried to sleep it was no use my buzz was gone and i had that sick feeling when you ve been drunk and subsequently sobered up i was trying to sleep grinding my teeth and wishing she were anywhere but next to me the sweat cooling on her arm which was touching mine was making my skin crawl little shivers of disgust ran up and down my spine now god if you exist this would be the time to strike me down the jim beam was still in the living room where i left it stuck between the cushions of the couch with no cap on i could see it in my mind all alone in the living room just a little bit of the bottle and the neck visible above the cushions and sitting in the shadow of the arm of the couch not enough light coming through the living room window to illuminate it i finally got up picked up the bottle and took a long pull the burn felt good the instant nausea and saliva in my mouth were familiar comfortable i know how to deal with liquor i know how to muscle up and stop myself from puking i drank until everything got dim until i could laugh again or at least grin and i think i could sleep in the morning before she leaves she makes me promise to spend saturday night with her before i leave for florida i should be packing or at least getting ready to go out with lynn when i woke up again hours after lynn and i split a light lunch i couldn t bring myself to do anything but sit on the couch and watch tv i had an idea to make those champagne and orange juice things hurrah for me i m on spring break but didn t fuck this was all i could think until finally i grabbed my jacket and headed to the liquor store with no real idea of where i would go after that i should go home i ll go home after the liquor store i ll pack this is going to be fun florida alcohol girls loud clubs and topless dancers i ll pack i ll stop being a fucking asshole and i ll start acting like i want this i remember thinking instead i m at marie s marie isn t here which is surprising considering the hour i m splitting a handle of bourbon and couple grams of speed with her roommate it s rotten stuff that burns wildly but it does its job and between it and the whiskey i m a blank slate marie s roommate is having some type of tweaker get together when i knocked this guy who looks like a transplant from the local trailer park answered the door i was about to apologize and leave when marie s roommate came bouncing up behind him like tigger with add maybe it s not surprising that marie isn t here the whole apartment is filled with overly thin guys in wife beaters with bad tattoos i ve walked myself into some weird episode of cops where i m watching everything through a hidden camera they re playing poker and betting with drugs and doing more of the drugs then they re betting with it would be funny maybe disturbing probably if it weren t so surreal i realize that i am wildly out of my element but seeing as how i don t have anywhere else to go i roll with it besides the unreality of it is so overwhelming that i can t do anything but sit on the couch and crack the wild turkey the afternoon passes in a blur of color and motion i realize that i ve missed 6 calls on my cell phone and i laugh so hard that i m afraid that my heart will burst i can t help laughing or maybe i m just hyperventilating the poker game has been getting increasingly more heated all afternoon with the tweakers yelling at each other and banging on the table we ve crossed a line and are i think we re now on a dangerous downward slope towards violence its time to change the channel i pour myself a huge drink in a nalgene bottle and sneak out of the apartment the cool night air goes along way to shaking off the bat shit insanity of the apartment but i m still affected badly walking home i m twisted on the speed and near blackout from the alcohol i alternately sing and shout at the empty street 26 hours later 20 of those spent in a car and i ve run as far as i can reasonably go after i left marie s apartment i lost my appetite for the drugs and the bourbon by the time i made it to my apartment i could hardly walk i had fallen a couple of times and my hands were torn up bloody some homeless guy watched me stagger down the street at insane volume and looked worriedly around i guess he was used to being the strangest thing out at night by the time i got home i crashed through the door and didn t even bother to close it i just fell onto my couch and slept there fully clothed like a guest who had one too many i couldn t bring myself to go into the bedroom there s this little place in maine way up on the coast called acadia i think it s a national park it s the only place i ve ever been where you can sit on these cliffs and overlook the ocean its amazing like something out of a book it was the first place lauren and i went after we broke up for the first time we went just as friends i don t even remember how we found it i think it was mentioned on the radio some npr travel show she used to listen to i used to make fun of her for listening to that stuff but then i never really liked npr after we d been there a couple of times her parents used to pay to fly us up there for a week on our breaks every time we were there we talked about staying but that was probably just so we didn t have to return to real life when i left marie s i knew that a week in florida would kill me i was insane with speed and sadness i couldn t stand the sight of my apartment i couldn t stand to see any of my friends i definitely couldn t stand marie s place with the tweakers and the self loathing painting all over the walls every familiar thing made my skin crawl and i would jerk away from it as though it might burn me maine was suddenly the only place in the world that i wanted to be that it made sense to be the last time i was there was with lauren i hadn t been able to go back since she decided well her parents had tried to bribe me into going to her memorial service by offering to fly me there for a few days it was the complete wrong offer 180 degrees from what i could handle after the cops let me leave the house after they had done whatever they do at a suicide and decided that i didn t blow the back of her head off i did everything i could to get lauren out of my life all the pictures all her stuff everything that she ever touched or even looked at hell i buried things in the back of my closet just because they were her favorite color maine is cold and gorgeous just as i remember it i check into the bed and breakfast that lauren and i used to stay in i can almost hear her laughter as i get out of the car i can almost feel her next to me but that s just lack of sleep and the speed hangover i check in and pass out until the next morning morning is a novelty it s just like i remember mornings quaint because i haven t seen one from this side in a long time i m up early enough to make it to breakfast i can t remember the last time i was up early enough to have breakfast with the rest of my time zone and i can t definitely can t remember the last time i woke up without any trace of a hangover there is a couple at breakfast just married they ve got to be in their mid twenties and watching them together is strange like watching a commercial for how life is supposed to be i imagine their life so far from the late night drunk dials the casual relationships the crushing alcoholism and occasional drug use i wonder which of us are the outliers is that what life is really like people falling in love getting married being happy or is that the just married front the honeymoon period if you will in six months will he be banging his secretary and she ll be fucking his best friend or will they be happy working on starting a family making their friends sick with talk about baby names and house shopping will they ll both develop parallel but hidden drug problems and secretly grow to hate each other before the divorce rips them apart and sends their kid into years of therapy or are will they become one of the good families happily seeing their kids grow up and succeed nights at school plays and baseball games dear god i hope they make it i spend the first couple of days in maine just wandering around bookstores and coffee shops lunch at cafés and afternoon hikes i chat up the barista at the local coffee house café hangout she s cute with green eyes and dyed red hair she s funny and sarcastic without the overbearing bitterness of my friends and after two days of chatting i ask her to lunch the expression on her face lets me know i ve way overstepped the bounds of our blossoming friendship the thing is i don t really care her rejection doesn t feel like rejection and it just rolls off of me i apologize smile to let her know it s no big deal and walk out i walk down to the restaurant and grab a table outside it s a glorious day warm sunny i can t remember the last time i ve enjoyed myself this much i m not sure i ve ever enjoyed myself this much ten minutes later the barista from the coffee shop comes strolling along and sits down after i get over my surprise we laugh our way through the initial awkwardness and lunch goes smashingly her name is michele she s a college student and while she talks i fill in all the details of her life with imaginary perfection i see myself staying here asking her to marry me we could be the happy couple in the bed and breakfast i could start over no basement apartments with late night booty calls no cokehead roommates no more plan b lunch ends michele and i make plans to grab a drink when she s off work and i tell her where i m staying so she can stop by and get me i realized yesterday or maybe it was this morning that i ve left my cell phone in my apartment next to half a gram of speed and a nalgene filled with wild turkey like some sort of an impromptu altar i spend the afternoon walking the cliffs where lauren and i used to sit and watch the sailboats it s exactly how i remember it the boats from this distance are so clean the perfect white triangles of their sails their speed and implied adventure as they cut impetuously across the water we used to sit and imagine that we had a boat that we could fly across the water so effortlessly and feel the spray on our faces free to fly anywhere we wanted to the other side of the world if the mood struck us i remember that we would never dress warm enough and always huddle together giggling like we were getting away with something i don t sit now just stand there against the blue gray sky while the wind whips and snaps at my c...