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Text of the page (random words):
that i want to carry around finding methods i want to put into practice i m creating this list knowing i will add and edit it over time to remind myself of what i find important it uses feminine pronouns because i m dating someone female identified currently but i think this list goes for anyone most of these will take daily work and i will fail repeatedly at all of them but failure is not a final answer simply an opportunity for learning things i strive for in our relationship 1 to actively listen to her to try my hardest not to interrupt and to provide a response that fits what she is asking for not to split my attention to remember that most if not all of what she says is important to her i want to be present and active listening is a huge part of that 2 to determine whether she is asking for a sounding board emotional support or advice and to provide what she needs without my own opinion or assumptions to acknowledge her feelings even if i don t agree and to recognize that those feelings are valid and important to her 3 to be honest and open with her i struggle often to talk about my own feelings and thoughts may roll around in my head for weeks or months before i have the courage to say them out loud i will work on overcoming my fears about being emotionally vulnerable so that i can open up to her i will talk with her about the things that are important to me to us i will work on acknowledging my mistakes my baggage my shortcomings and my fears 4 to always support her autonomy her desires and dreams and the things in her life that are important to her to acknowledge and respect her friendships her relationship with her family her dreams her hobbies and her work to give her ample freedom and time to cultivate all those things without my interference and often without me i want my girlfriend to always have a life outside of me and i don t want her to have to check in verify or ask my permission to act on her own i do not need to know where she is constantly what she is doing or who she is with i will respect her privacy and i will never violate what is hers her texts and emails her online accounts her journals or writing her private correspondence and conversations i will respect her space her routines and her relationships with other people i will exercise no control over what is hers and i will recognize that her life is not mine or ours 5 to always make time for her to do things which she enjoys even if i don t and to enjoy time with her without expecting it to thank her praise her and acknowledge what she does for me to do small things that please her to show my love to her through words actions and time 6 to respect her sexual boundaries to keep exploring within our sexual relationship to ask for what i want without fear or shame and to treat sex as a privilege not an expectation to remember that sex is not a quid pro quo exchange and that we both want and need different things at different times to receive her requests to not engage in sexual activity at a given moment with grace not with surliness or frustration to be conscious of how she feels and responds to my sexual energy 7 to forgive and forget to fight fair to respect when she needs to walk away and take a break and to ask for the space to do so too if i need it to verbalize what i need and what i want when i am upset because she cannot read my mind to apologize when i am wrong or when i hurt her to never revive an argument or mistake if it has been settled and forgiven to acknowledge my capacity for mistakes and to try my best to never act out of passive aggressiveness toward her 8 be mindful of what she does not like and respect that we desire different things for example if she does not like gifts then refrain from buying her things 9 to never promise anything i can t provide see forever 10 to respect our agreement to have an open relationship to act within the boundaries we have set and to give her the space to act on her attractions to other people to acknowledge my jealousy and my insecurity but to remember that i cannot let these feelings overwhelm me or affect how i treat her to always be honest and conscious of the feelings and needs of my lovers to take steps to protect everyone involved and ensure that i act in ways that are consentual and respectful 11 to really take this idea to heart that commitment instead of being a promise for a future can be a devotion to radical deep presence with longevity as a by product 12 to remind myself that my crazy is mine she does not know pain and history if i do not tell her to acknowledge my baggage and unfamiliar uneasy or painful feelings when they arise to allow her the ability to rewrite the script and to talk with her when my past affects us to release my fears anxieties and pain when possible to remember that she is not my former lovers and to try my best not to assume her actions and reactions will be the same as theirs to remember that she has her own pain and history and to do my best to support her in working through her own baggage posted by s elle at 10 45 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday november 19 2012 i think i could understand i m perched on the bench half naked sunburned and sandy i m not really sure what the protocol is this house do we group shower do i race everyone who is staying here to their bathroom do i shotgun a beer and wait my turn for hot water i m along for the ride in a group of fifteen people but the sand in my crotch is starting to annoy me i need answers people i need them now ok mallory and i call the outside shower who wants to come with us three more people jump in but ashley leans over my way do you want to shower with us please eh i want to get clean not wait for five people to use up all the hot water i m contemplating how to turn her down gracefully when jordan looks across the group and catches my gaze do you want to come shower with me there s one upstairs the question catches me off guard we re all friends it shouldn t surprise me i feel the most comfortable with her even though i ve known several of this group much longer i jump at the offer and supress the small fluttering feeling deep down sure ashley that s a lot of people in one shower i m going upstairs with jordan ashley makes a pouting face christ maybe i made a mistake when i agreed to split a hotel room with her the others had booked this house months in advance for our beach trip i screwed around waited too long and jumped at whatever was available we d only been around each other six hours and her need to have my constant attention was already wearing me thin thoughts swirl around as i follow jordan up the tiny winding staircase with my bulky bag i also feel a sense of trepidation getting naked around someone for the first time the sun has long ago burned through my buzz there s no alcohol to smother my anxiety i set down my things in her room awkwardly rummage for clean clothes and shampoo i don t know why i m even worried about this we re all friends right right and it s not weird that i m just showering with jordan right and it s not weird that the girl she is dating is my ex lover right and it s not weird getting naked with someone you barely know i stumble around her and turn the hot water on she climbs in behind me and i turn half away trying to be polite and not stare at her naked she looks different than i expected but i suppose no one has ever looked naked the exact same way i imagined she grabs around me for her soap and we laugh it hits me so intensely out of nowhere i want to kiss her she is so brutally close so very naked and when she smiles i feel like a deer in headlights what the fuck no really s what the fuck i scrub my face and dart out of the front end of the shower i never touch her when she hops out a minute or two later i keep my distance turning my back to her and pulling my clothes on too quickly hey jordan do you mind if i take a nap in your bed driving from nola and the beach just zapped my energy i ll set an alarm and i won t be long sure no problem i drop eye contact as soon as she looks at me i crawl into the rented bed wishing there was a bigger comforter i want to hide from my thoughts from the remnants of my head cold and from my exhaustion the plates clang against the stainless steel sink as mallory washes up i throw the last bowls of cheese and taco meat into the fridge grab an unclaimed beer and disappear through the glass door into the darkness the porch lights are off i can actually see the stars i want to leave walk down to the beach feel the surf and sand washing over my toes i don t hear jordan come up behind me she slides her arms around my waist and i almost jump out of my skin in surprise she s much taller than me she rests her head against mine her chin near my ear she says something but i don t register it my skin is aflame with the unfamiliar feeling of her touch it feels good scary soft confusing it s gorgeous out here wow i wish we could see the stars like this in new orleans i hear her this time and my throat releases long enough for me to respond i was just thinking the same thing she pauses i like the feeling of her silence what s the plan for tonight the words fall out of my mouth my anxiety needs to fill this space even though everything else craves it everyone s getting ready to go some bar they ve been to in past years down closer to the bridge you coming with us sure it s not like i have somewhere better to be i m up for whatever the door pops open fifteen feet away from us and i hear ashley s voice she pulls away immediately i m going to get ready i hear my voice echoing inside my head i run inside to dig up my shoes all the feelings are racing in circles my waist feels foreign where she touched me the trace of her touch following me through the house what does this mean is she hitting on me i suspect so but i don t want to believe it i don t know what i would do with it i fuck i can t stop smiling at her and i pray that the dark hides it what the fuck am i doing hundreds of women linger through the entrance around the stage on the beach crowding at tables in the bar milling in crowds it s a veritable lesbian smorgasboard i remember my ex s story about taking her roommate to a lesbian bar for the first time i hear her voice saying do you want chocolate vanilla strawberry whatever you can want it is in front of you our group immediately gets separated but i try to cling to my best friend in front of me and jordan behind me i lose both and wander a few minutes looking for jordan it s a bit intimidating being surrounded by so many women i can potentially fuck most of them if i make an effort at it if i wasn t so painfully horrible at picking up women in bars i have no idea why i m making such an effort to find everyone i came with but my anxiety kicks through my sobriety i can t handle all these strangers i can t handle the thought of going up to any of them starting a conversation putting in the effort i run into jordan as i come around a corner we re both totally lost fuck it i shout over the deafening crowd come dance i find the nearest picnic table facing the stage and we climb up she looks unsure the song changes and the rapper onstage starts into i put on for my city immediately my heart leaps to nola i m screaming the lyrics and shaking my body because this song is everything i want for my city she s laughing with me and i stop thinking and stop worrying so damn much a security guard pulls me off the table and i don t even care we skirt the crowd looking for the group and a place that feels comfortable she points out the bay which looks formidibly dark and hidden from the lights of the stage come see it with me i pull her forward i want water big bodies of water i want my feet in the sand we stumble through the sand down some very steep steps the water rises almost to my knees i can hear the music from here but it s nice to be far from the crowd she puts her hands on my hips and i grind against her it would be incredibly romantic to kiss her under the moonlight standing in the bay in our own little world but this thought terrifies me i can t turn back to face her i pull myself out of the bay back toward the bar unsure how to even look at her let s go find the group i m circling the pool table like a shark looking for something anything i m not very good she crosses my path catches my eye and slides her hand across my ass as i pass yeah there s no missing that one i write off every doubt she s hitting on me i lean over line up my shot and miss fucking figures i don t even care you re playing with fire you know that i finally have a few more beers in my system and i m no longer so unsure i can stare her down if i want to i know we ll both get burned i m aware she turns away with a sheepish look and i wonder if she s weighing her options the way i am we make another pass around the pool table as she leans over to shoot i run my hand down her shoulder across her hip down her ass she turns just as i finish her face is inches away from mine where are you staying tonight she asks softly i don t know at the hotel i guess stay with me i don t think the full weight of this offer has hit are you sure yes absolutely sure yes ok s stop questioning her consent she clearly knows what she is saying i realize i am holding my breath ok i peel the contacts out of my eyes and try to shove them in the plastic container she s lying in bed waiting for me i m still not sure how we got here what am i doing oh right contacts brush teeth fuck someone else s girl ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the freak out in my head needs stifling immediately it s 4am my car is on the other side of the island i don t have any options left i chose door one time to do this the tension and my anxiety feel like walking through a fog i turn the lights off and climb into bed half dressed i reach out to find her she s there waiting i kiss her and it feels distant and unsure and apprehensive she pulls me underneath her i m grateful someone else is taking charge right now i hear her breath in and out in and out in the bed next to me it s extremely early i m an emotional trainwreck i want to reach out for her but it s done it s over there s no touching in the morning that s reserved for couples and established lovers we re far from either she rises and the bed creaks i pretend to be asleep because i don t want to face her whathaveidonewhatwillhappennowwhatwilltodaylooklike i don t want to get out of bed ever i close my eyes pull the sheets up and fall peacefully back to sleep it s almost 3pm before she speaks directly to me i ve kept myself low and quiet all day alone with my thoughts amid the thousands of people camped out on the beach she s running back to the car and she asks if i will come with her i feel myself almost shaking i try to keep my anxiety under control i need to talk to her i have to talk to her i m terrified to say anyth...