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e has a job is a high school graduate 3 manages with her job to pay her basic rent other expenses are paid by our father but so far she is doing pretty well above all because she is still very young 4 she got pregnant on purpose worth repeating since that is the major motivation my sister and i are not friends as most anyone who reads this blog knows in fact we are quite the opposite of friends its another sad and sordid story but i too was curious would my first father attempt to convince her to place the only way i could find out was by asking him so i did he told me that no he did not bring up adoption and had no intention of doing so i asked him why and didn t have very high hopes for his answer i figured he d say something along the lines of this is my first grandchild and i want them in my life the same cannot be said for me his first child but i digress i thought he d say that he knew nicole simply would not listen to him which is probably true but his real answer was something very different something that warmed my heart in a you guessed it sad and sordid way he said to me i will not bring up the topic of adoption because i do not want her to place this child i do not want her to give him up because i see what adoption has done to you i see what it has done to your first mother and i see how it has affected you this was a curious statement to make since i have never shared my real feelings with him in regards to my adoption adoption in general and my feelings on the relationship i have with his family how could he possibly know how adoption has affected me you ve basically worked through it all he said but you ve said things casually over the years that have lead me to believe that adoption has not been the perfect solution i thought it was over two and a half decades ago i could have kissed him i might do so the next time i see him it s been 6 years he has spoken to my parents privately in the past talking about blood and how strong of a connection he feels with me but he has never outright told me that he regrets placing me for adoption which is something i guess in a fucked up way i was waiting to hear and how could i not feel that way i suppose many adoptees deep down want to hear their first parents say legally severing our relationship as parent and child was not the best decision of my life i miss you i wish you were here i am sorry this this was his confession his daughter my sister is not ready to parent not yet she is a selfish and often horrible person who got pregnant intentionally for some pretty interesting horrifying reasons everyone sort of knows this and no one has been afraid to say it and yet my father does not want her to place his grandchild for adoption he won t even bring it up i don t think my sister will make a fantastic mother i don t even like the girl but i would never ever ever advise her to give away her child never not because the child is my niece or nephew not because i love my sister sadly i don t but because i want to be the last adoptee in that family am i particularly happy that i get the honor of being the only child exiled not especially but they are a good family they are not bad their children and grand children will be happy as for nicole she ll learn at least i hope so and if she doesn t well this child will have a grandfather a man whom i ve always loved but who the other day has proven himself to be a sensitive honorable man honorable because he is seeing the good in a situation where he has previously only seen the bad see my own conception and birth sensitive because he has listened to his daughter his first child without having done it on purpose it seems he has understood my message the legal annulation of our father daughter relationship was not the best thing to happen in my life it has been the most bewildering and intense pain i have known but i am happy to know you i have missed you i forgive you i love you posted by amanda at 12 48 am 4 commenti martedì gennaio 10 2012 no strikes you re out how do we as adoptees deal with rejection from our birth family members i ve been fortunate in that only siblings have rejected me not the dreaded mother or father but it still hurts a lot and it s really not surprising most people don t understand what it s like to be despised on such a primal level sure there are a lot of people who fight with their siblings or who don t get along with a brother or a sister but those kinds of things happen in normal families because of conflict actions or words my sister nicole she just hates me not really because of anything i ve done to her or vice versa but because i exist and frankly it just pisses her off how do we as people who have grown up outside of our families of origin cope when we discover that in reunion we aren t as welcome as we would have liked i wish i had the answer after nearly 10 years of conflict i ve learned to just live with it i try to comfort myself with the fact that its not me as a person but me as an entity nicole couldn t possibly hate me she doesn t know me we were friends as young children but puberty and the notion that i wasn t going away as she d hoped promptly ruined all of that for us now at a very tender age she is expecting her first baby it s a niece or nephew that i will never know who will never call me auntie a who will be deprived of his only aunt just as me and my sister were deprived of each other how do we heal how do we make amends apologies don t work what are we apologizing for i m very sorry i exist nicole i m sorry you aren t really an only child sorry our father loves me too with my particular case talking doesn t work neither do letters she insists as she always has that she hates me and that she will never love me she talks to other half siblings of ours who have done some pretty terrible things to her just not to me i am her only full sister the only sister with whom she shares a father she hates me because she is jealous that i too have a connection with him um my bad how do we move on my adoptee friends how do we just accept that sometimes our own families will probably never love us simply because we exist luckily the problem most commonly lies within the other person most people cannot imagine hating or being hated by someone they don t even know let alone someone they don t know who is also their brother or sister or daughter i find my only salvation is to wait maybe one day nicole will change her mind maybe one day she will understand she is very young we still have time do i hold my breath i do not do i wish her well i try to but mostly i just accept it for what it is i add it to my list of unique situations that being relinquished for adoption puts me in another unfortunate thing that i have no control over but that will affect me for the rest of my life how do you all deal did your families welcome you back into the fold if not what helps you posted by amanda at 6 11 pm 3 commenti giovedì luglio 28 2011 smoke and mirrors a message for my sister well it seems i m an adoptee masochist i always ask for trouble i had been feeling guilty lately for not trying harder with my sister nicole my kept sister the apple of our father s eyes i know that in pains him that we absolutely hate each other so i sent her a nice email telling her my feelings on the subject imploring the both of us to be mature to work out our problems because we are sisters i am her only sister and she is mine let s fight adoption i said lets love each other despite the odds lets put aside our 10 years of differences and let s try and make it work masochism at it s best her answer a long list of everything i did wrong in the past 10 years most of which i don t even remember probably because i was 12 when it happened and she was 9 which makes me wonder how she remembers but i could deal with all of that i could have written i m sorry for all the ways i ve hurt you i didn t mean to do it but she wasn t finished yet you remind me too much of our mother i know that i have a part of her inside me too but i ve learned to control it you remind me of her you are just like her and i don t want to know anyone who is like her what let s review a few of the facts i am working on a masters i live abroad and pay my own rent i have good friends who love me who i ve kept for decades i have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents with all of my living grandparents and with my extended family i am the favorite aunt the most fun cousin i have never been in any sort of trouble with the law not once i have never smoked anything stronger than a cigarette though unfortunately i smoke a lot of them i haven t so much as a fucking parking ticket our mother was a drug addict she did crack crank every type of drug under the sun she s been in jail she s had her kids taken away from foster care she is bipolar which wouldn t be an issue if she actually took her meds she was an alcoholic she was unstable 90 of the time she kept promises she couldn t keep she emotionally abused every child who was left in her care lets talk about nicole spoiled fucked up cruel chases away every boyfriend or fiance she s ever had with her absurd acidity she is abusive and jealous she does drugs she is a super christian who hates her own sister she refuses to forget let alone forgive she has told me she hates me that i will never belong in her family that they only talk to me because they feel obligated she fights she is rude she gets pulled over for much more than a parking ticket she likes to talk about our father using the word my in capital letters like my father only talks to you because he feels guilty or i m not jealous with the relationship you have with my dad she s like my dog peeing on things she wants to claim as her own i m not perfect people in fact i d say that i m pretty fucked up i have issues i have troubles i see shards of our mother s personality in myself and it frightens me but i see more of them in her and thats even more troubling nicole here s a message for you i m done i give up i hope one day you change your mind as our father insists you will not because i want to be your friend i do not but only because then i can tell you to go fuck yourself as you have told me you are not my sister you are nothing you don t deserve to know me i would love you treat you well give you everything of myself if only you d let me i ve waited for you for years the waiting time is over i have been passive open and have exposed my deepest feelings in the hopes that it would soften the hardness that you have within you but it s only backfired and now i m done i will never forgive you for what you have said our mother is many bad things i ll never deny it but she is a compassionate soul she is loving she has her demons that she was unable to fight but she loved she had love in her heart the same cannot be said for you you are no sister of mine posted by amanda at 5 47 am 7 commenti venerdì giugno 17 2011 responsibility i am a firm believer in the notion that everyone in the world of adoption is obliged to accept their responsibility in these days relinquishment and adoption do not happen magically they involve at least two calculated decisions as an adoptee i accept my obligation to be understanding compassionate and open i foster relationships with members of my adoptive family and i do the same for members of my natural family i accept any sibling who wants to know me i maintain and nourish the relationships i have with my natural mother and father i make mother and father s day cards i make calls on all holidays i send congratulations for new babies weddings and birthdays there are very few things that would cause me to cease contact with my natural parents if they had no respect for my adoptive family i would have to seriously reconsider our relationship they don t have to be friends they don t even have to talk to one another and it goes both ways i don t expect my parents to be happy about my relationship with my biological family but i do expect them to be supportive of me and i expect them to accept it gracefully as they have one thing is for sure though if my natural parents did not take responsibility for their actions it would not be able to have a relationship with them and the reasoning is simple they made a life altering and objectively damaging decision on my behalf without my consent or knowledge or approval all parents make decisions like that for their children the only difference is that my parents actually made a decision to not be my parents they robbed me of my name my heritage and the security of growing up with my own clan they chose to give me to another family and in doing so stripped me if my most core identity of my right to grow up within my own family they destroyed the most important relationships in my young life the one that i was supposed to have with them they ensured that my siblings and i would grow up apart they robbed my siblings of their sister their parents of a grandchild they did all of these things for a few simple reasons they did not feel they had sufficient money to raise me in the custom to which they had been raised my paternal family hated my natural mother and my father did not want to be a parent at that time he was 27 and my mother was 25 over the course of our reunion they have explained their reasoning to me they have expressed regret they have expressed sadness and they have asked my forgiveness but never not once did they tell me that it wasn t their fault they take full responsibility for the decision they made over 2 decades ago and i m glad they do babies don t give up themselves in this day age when single parenting is on the rise children out of wedlock are no longer seen as the scum of the earth and parenting classes and aid are so readily available i find it hard to understand that women are placing children capable sane normal kind women are giving their babies up left and right and i find it pretty sick i m sure they have their reasons and i can only hope that they don t sound hollow 20 years from now when their children want to know why they were given away i hear a lot of women who placed recently talking about familial pressures societal stigmas and unsupportive partners everyone is keen to blame the big bad adoption industry as if they were tricking every woman who experiences and unexpected pregnancy but the reality is this most women keep their babies poor dumb smart white black rich young old the adjectives don t matter the percentage of women who place is very small so how can people continue to blame the adoptive parents or the adoption industry for their decisions if the industry permeated nearly as much as some natural parents claim everyone would be giving up their babies but that simply isn t true are women who place less resilient more impressional than their counterparts who keep their babies are they simply gullible giving into the industry while their more sl...