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Text of the page (random words):
further up and further in further up and further in wednesday july 26 2006 why i feel like a hypocrite for all my talk about community for all of my focus on how love comes around and is best known through a tight relational body for all my belief that true friends get in your face no one has asked me the difficult questions recently not that my friends haven t been calling me or responding to my calls i ve not been neglected or trotted off to failure the cold lonely hands of time are not within sight or sound i haven t been left begging for contact in the streets or hungry for conversation but i haven t been asked the difficult questions i haven t been handled aggressively shaken for all my fruits and a large part of that is my intentional fault really who wants to be rankled who wants to be condemned abused mistreated who wants to be uncomfortable who wants to worry that a slipped word in conversation can lead to an ill proportioned gossip monster but i think the problem is who wants to trust who wants to stop doing what he feels is convenient comfortable or pleasurable who wants to be held accountable god is not mocked we reap what we sow i think in some ways i ve sown the whirlwind i need a confessor good lord posted by jasdye at 9 46 am 0 comments wednesday june 21 2006 drive unfinished sometime tween the beginning and the driving we were trying for the very first again a shoving easy pulley out and in like a baby had lost her legs i don t know which way i should shop this grin somewhere tween the end and the bends between the engine n the lead found myself pulling for breakfast made room at the top of the drag ice don t bear enough friction spun camaro pulled close into the snow how often i travel faster than friction found in the relationship of the grooves and the gravel pavement is loose before fact pulls its queen of fiction before the devil s secretary takes diction and i m trapped between blue lights and no pavement no race no movement posted by jasdye at 7 32 pm 2 comments tuesday may 23 2006 taps on mic did a look at the whore scare you all have we abandoned this blog are you not entertained lol sorry had to put that there i just wanted to come here and say hahaha i m graduating suckaaaas in your face devil cuz you know satan has had a hit out on me since i was conceived like really he really doesn t like me but that s cool i take it as a compliment recently i wrote a dizz and told him that i wasn t excited about graduating and at the time i wrote the email i did feel that way i was actually quite bitter about it all but today after waking up with tears in my eyes over a highly distubring dream about my ex ugh encountering my mom s recent depression having to deal with the heartaches that come with being a young aunt and facing troubling woes with my father head on i had to pray prayer was the only thing that would keep me from crumbling into my own weary pit of hell you see satan was attacking my emotions because he knows that i m an emotional person whomever said prayer doesn t work obviously doesn t know how to pray i ve never been so instantly relieved god has been revamping my prayer life in miraculous ways it s like a whole new creation is taking place in me and my question is finally answered a creator never stops creating i got up off of my knees and understood that i m graduating with a degree in grace a little christology certification at the side and a minor in abundant life god is setting me up for the big bad world and at the same time setting me up for greatness i prayed for my family i prayed for my friends i prayed that we all continue to develop in courage success honor and integrity and i also prayed for me i prayed that everything i touch do become and encounter will be blessed and not only that but strengthened with power that can only come from up above i thank god for that and i thank god for my graduation it s nothing to take lightly and i realize that now i m learning to walk in victory y all and it s a journey that i hope to see all of you on right along with me b h bs d shalom posted by revolt at 10 25 pm 1 comments monday january 30 2006 a look at the whore perfume wafted in the air heavy like the steps of a man too heavy to walk home after carousing it threatened to take down the unsuspecting but to the familiar to the one willing to part with some silver or gold its bearer would willingly lay herself down like an old horse we had talked about her in the shadows and deliberately avoided her name in the open for fear that people would know that we know of her existence she is a nomad with no home as one of our poet prophets spoke years ago like a rolling stone no direction home there are other reasons we do not look in her direction it is not so much fear of the elders for maybe we know too much of the elders maybe we ve smelled a bit of a waft on them also as if they were washing their sleeves in her hair no one wants to be brought out in public or embarrassed but it would not be a shaming finger from the elders that do us in i think it is her eyes not the mascara not the bruises that the mascara covers although we ve wondered who these men are that would or could treat a woman in such a way or rather how low a woman has to be before she is no longer considered a sister an aunt a mother a daughter it is not so much her eye color not the hazel the rich light coffee it is what is inbetween her eyes the darting pupils it is the slightest touch of life as if she knows she deserves so much better and one day she will awake and demand much better she will leave everything and everyone in her path like the furious winds that drag our homes into the sky she will demand no she will forcefully receive her dignity her grace her children her true lot in life she is not of this world she should not be trapped in it posted by jasdye at 8 35 pm 4 comments monday december 12 2005 wouldn t it be really funny if you came here one day after a few weeks of absence as we all do only to find that gabi has been blogging here everyday and drawing huge crowds and comments that d be the business posted by puddleglum at 10 02 pm 2 comments saturday november 05 2005 chu ch girl pt 1 disclaimer this is a lil graphic but it s real and this does happen in churches all across north america from what i know at least i don t want any of y all to be offended but ummm well just let the story speak for itself it s fiction of course like all my stories on here bet ya didn t know that sit up straight smile when they talk to you make sure you show how happy you are to see them make them believe it make them think you are genuine and for pete s sake girl make sure you re face is washed and refreshed after the sermon nobody likes a sweaty little girl instructions were what i was used to every sunday this wasn t an intrusion on my daily life though because this was the spiritual alternative to what i dealt with all the time my mother head deaconess children s and youth choir director head chairwoman of the outreach committee and when the nurse in charge was sick on any given sunday she became the replacement her skills didn t even reach past 2nd year nursing school in the virgin islands she was mrs williamson smith the most respected and applauded churchwoman since 1927 when the holy ghost fell upon her in front of family and friends and she began to prophesy up to this day most members of the southwind holy spirit of fire baptist church still don t know what really happened that faithful day of march 16th 1927 but older members proclaim it being the most spirit filled performance to date in the church that word rang out annoyingly to me performance did god execute church productions i never thought so but knowing my mother i m sure she made it seem that way _________ it s cramped in here carlos shhh shh shh just undo your blouse quickly hurry okay okay relax just remember that i know i know it s your first time right please don t rush me i feel strange enough already he picked out the prayer closet by the empty storage room we were on the second floor of the administration wing at southwind it was sunday 12 30 in the afternoon right when the hooping and hollering started up before the long winded sermon i let out the most daring scream it bellowed down the halls of the abandoned wing but no one caught it or caught us for the matter i lost my virginity at 13 i got pregnant at 14 and a half ____________ ahhhh deacon randolf nice to see you again i forced a smile same to you pretty little miss how have you been doing fine i stopped myself from saying anything else he caught my taut jaw and my glance down to floor slowly i looked back up and saw his neck crooked face incredulous expecting me to say more i bet you sure you re okay little lady yessir today is the day that the lord has made i faded off in hopes he would continue and surely he did with a wide mouth head back laughing gauntly with eyes shut tight my eyes were black and pressed on him he touched my right shoulder gently and said that my momma sure done raised me proper that i d be a fine deaconess one day that god sure has favor on me maybe one day i d even run the choir nausea hit me at that instant i smiled ghastly and said good day hurriedly so i could run to the basement bathroom i didn t want to be questioned why my puke was green with the cabbage sauce and saugage links i cooked up this morning or why when i peed it was yellower than usual or that my breasts were awfully full for a young wiry thing like me or why mrs delloware often heard gasps and grunts every other sunday since june i swear on the holy book celia people are in that prayer room during service oh why i was there i needed to get art supplies for the children s activities where is lucia anyway she hasn t been in the front pews lately has she i heard my mother smiling from across the atrium i glanced over and bowed my head politely everyone was expecting me to glow on sunday s and i never let them down i saw carlos by the secretary office and he smiled at me i looked at him quickly then dazed i didn t return the gesture it would ve looked too obvious everyone at southwind had a second pair of eyes when it came to me and the boys i was the prettiest little black girl to ever exist they said too bad i was so dark though black but pretty deacon smith should ve produced a lighter child i heard the pastor s wife whisper that to the treasury lady one day after sunday school i rolled my eyes in my head just for the satisfaction if they ever knew how their sons wanted my bluish black body how they craved it and came to my room at nights sometimes just to taste my flesh but i wouldn t let em blackberries are the juiciest they say carlos had his fill more than anyone else sometimes at night i could feel satan lurking in my closet he s the one who chases all of the monsters away to be continued posted by revolt at 1 40 am 5 comments sunday october 16 2005 life is my camera never took good pictures on perfect days sunny warm fluffy obese clouds it just couldn t focus and my pictures always had a purple red glow emanating from them i just couldn t give it up though i was always entranced by the blue up high azure said the voice beside me he was mumbling italian words before but i never heard him clearly because the stinking sweet of amaretto filled up the space he occupied i quietly enjoyed it covered my face in disgust so he couldn t participate in my delicious delight i once loved amaretto and i miss its soft burn in the bottom of my belly azure bella azure toe day deh sky it breze i turned around and looked at him straightway and his head was high in the cloudiness above smiling this ridiculous smile as the wind guided itself across his face he breathed it in as one would lap up water after a midday s jog he was talking to me but he didn t even have his eyes on me much less open bella toe day you see juss how much azure can fill yourrr pam and he held his hands high attempting to reach its impossible heights but his determination almost made me think that he could he stretched for a long time stopping short of a breath then he decided to climb down and slump looking ahead in an almost dead stare i hold deh key to life you know miss i hold deh secret toe all living tings i started to gather my things clearly this man was lost from his permanent psych ward residence how he landed in the middle of thornhill was a little disturbing no no no leave i give you look look look miss i give you i calmed down and sat back down looking at this old dingy italian man rummaging through his little paper bag of god knows what he was digging for gold it seemed rapidly fast paced and breathing as if it was his last he crumbled that bag in and out upside down rightside up and in and out again and then he smiled he grinned and laughed aloud so loud the men at the full service gas station across the street took a second glance at his commotion i was mesmerized and a little weirded out by this dingy old man in his linen beige top he wore brown pants with one distinct hole right above the left knee black sandals black socks a fedora hat but half of one almost looks like part of it was burnt off and there he was laughing his might away clutching this unseen object in his little paper bag he was laughing for a good 2 minutes until i decided someone needed to say something as i was about to politely tell him where to go he stopped abruptly and looked at me his eyes were blacker than before and he held out his palm stretched tautly into a fist full of his god knows what secret of life and all living things thingy he asked me in the softest most paternal voice you shure you want to see it yes geez just show it to me already he slowly moved his hand close to my face opened it up finger by finger and then i saw it in all its mystical glory i beheld the key to life and it was a posted by revolt at 10 09 pm 4 comments contributors jasdye puddleglum revolt links google news edit me edit me previous posts why i feel like a hypocrite drive unfinished taps on mic a look at the whore wouldn t it be really funny chu ch girl pt 1 life is sports it is life my own bone to pick read timi s post below an open letter to gabi brown archives july 2005 august 2005 september 2005 october 2005 november 2005 december 2005 january 2006 may 2006 june 2006 july 2006