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Text of the page (random words):
then i stand up for her as her voice so i step out in front of strangers and tell them my story and i keep querying agnets for my book and i keep writing down my rambling thoughts here i include the embarrassing parts for sure but i also include the best parts how polly and i are crazy in love now how thankful i am to be evangeline s mom how awed i am that god knew i needed to be broken in such specific ways in order to be used for his purposes and for his glory alone last night i got an email from someone who attended one of my talks in september thanking me for my willingness to be vulnerable and for sharing my dark moments thoughts and actions in my presentation she is a mother to a child with special needs here s a little bit of what she wrote what you said made me feel normal connected and accepted i m tearing up as i write this to you even now because it meant so much to me and i understand how difficult it is to be honest like that with others even if they are strangers that s really the point of why i do what i do i have a voice and i am learning not to be afraid to use it what about you how are you using your voice posted by gillian at 9 00 am 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels adoptive mom christian writing depression in christians down syndrome down syndrome adoption gillian marchenko memoir mops pastor s wife post adoption depression special needs monday january 30 2012 the wrong diagnosis one mother s struggle with post adoption depression one of the first times i was with my daughter in ukraine in 2009 second opinion last thursday i took evangeline our adopted daughter from ukraine five years old diagnosed with down syndrome to a developmental pediatrician i heard this doctor is good at what he does and i want his opinion about evie s lack of development since she s been home from ukraine i affirmed rather loudly to my husband sergei in an effort to hide that really i was taking evangeline to this doctor for a second opinion a year ago evie was evaluated at the erikson institute here in chicago for autism at the time her main activities included rocking back and forth sitting on her bed and looking at a light up toy her eye contact was sporadic at best and she could not tolerate textured food nor touch unless it was rough housing i was certain we would come home with a dual diagnosis of asd autism spectrum disorder and down syndrome because almost every time i reached out to my beautiful blond little girl my hand would get slapped after several appointments erikson concluded that evangeline was not on the spectrum but probably suffered from the debilitating effects of orphanage life paired with cognitive and developmental delays that can accompany down syndrome but i wanted an answer when the report came in the mail i opened the letter while sitting on the toilet seat behind a locked bathroom door and cried on some level i wanted the dual diagnosis because i wanted answers i wanted to know why evie ground her teeth constantly why she sought out dust and dirt to eat but refused real food i wanted to know why she scratched her sisters when they tried to hug her and cried at loud noises and sat off to the side of our lives alone most days rocking but i did not get a concrete answer i got a keep doing what you are doing find more therapy opportunities give her time to bond with your family and slowly over the next few weeks i started to shut down i found it too painful to try to connect with my daughter for months i went through the everyday motions of caring for my family as best i could all the while holding back from climbing into bed i no longer attempted to bond with evie if she was fine being a part of our family without really being close to me than maybe i could live like that too wrong person diagnosed i was seeking out the wrong diagnosis for the wrong family member sure it was good to have evie evaluated a year ago she certainly had characteristics that could point to asd but really i was the one who needed the most help i was struggling from post adoption depression which could have only been aggravated by a little post traumatic stress disorder thrown in after polly s stroke diagnosis of moyamoya and two brain surgeries after our time at the erikson institute i quietly unravelled i have struggled with depression all my life but alas it is kind of like that pesky monthly period for women every month i am shocked that my foul mood results with menstruation and i am 36 years old depression is like that for me too it sneaks up on me a few aches and pains feeling a little down in the dumps sleeping poorly i fight i do what i absolutely need to for the family and then when i can t anymore i get into bed and i don t get out i started to see a doctor and a therapist but i wasn t feeling better i cried out to god to help me to show me how to trust him and get back on track but to no avail i struggled for months but still somehow managed to post perky facebook stati often enough so that people outside my direct family wouldn t suspect a thing but i was drowning about three months ago god gave me the strength to try again to get help for my depression i went back to my doctor and let her put me on a higher dosed anti depressant i started seeing a different therapist and we clicked right away i started to wake up in the morning and notice that the sun was shining and i saw evangeline a little girl considerably changed from a year ago since evie has been with us over two years there have been little breakthroughs here and there in our bonding i liken them to nicking the surface of a frozen lake with a bb gun now that i am above water again in life the ice is starting to thaw i can sit a stare at evie for a while marvel at her button nose appreciate her smell want to pull her to me why the second opinion so why did i take evie for the second opinion last week because i wanted to make sure that a dual diagnosis isn t in the picture for our girl a lot of her behaviors have fallen away but she has a lot left and although we are doing much better i am now struggling with the guilt of that missed time when a shadow of a mother was parenting my daughter at the appointment evie climbed up into a chair uninterested in the train set the doctor attempted to entice her with but she laughed when he tickled her and followed his finger as he played with her and looked both the doctor and me in the eye almost the whole time i loved the doctor he was a bit brash and un orthodox took a text from his wife during our interview and laughed out loud at what she wrote but he cut to the chase with me and it was just what i needed i don t see any definite red flags regarding a dual diagnosis off the bat of course if you d like we can do a full evaluation of evangeline to get more in depth but i have to ask why are you here you ve already had your daughter evaluated at erikson because well i took a deep breath because i am afraid i am not doing enough our other daughter got sick and ended up needing two brain surgeries six weeks after evangeline came home from ukraine and i well i ve struggled with depression i kind of left my answer there but in my heart i added i am afraid that i have already failed her mrs marchenko your family has been through a very difficult time these last few years i want you to know you are doing a good job with your kids i had to look away as the tears pooled in my eyes and now ms evangeline the doctor turned to evie and let me attempt to compose myself after the visit to the doctor i realized i had been looking for two things 1 the wrong diagnosis and 2 validation that i am the right mom for my child i share all of this with you because i am notorious for putting it all out there it doesn t occur to me to keep things to myself my husband takes issue with my need to tell people how much i spent on the sales rack at target but more importantly i share this because adoption is beautiful but it is also very hard i share this because other parents and caregivers are struggling today post adoption depression is real i want you to know you are not alone at some point your feelings may be out of your control get help there is no shame in taking care of yourself in order to care for your family one last thing with god s help we all can be the right parents for our children post adoption depression resources adoptive families baby center adoption issues jen hatmaker after the airport posted by gillian at 12 33 pm 37 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels adopting children with down syndrome depression down syndrome down syndrome adoption dual diagnosis gillian marchenko post adoption depression special needs special needs adoption tuesday january 24 2012 why it is hard to tell the truth in my memoir note i added this post to joy in this journey s life unmasked linky read more here most of you know i recently completed a memoir and am now querying agents for representation so far no one s bitten i have received a handful of polite rejections regarding my project i suspect i will continue to get rejections for a while there are just too many aspiring writers trying to get their work in print some agents claim over 100 new query letters hit their inbox every day every day and so i trudge on do my research send the queries and continue to work on my craft but i have a confession sometimes when i get a rejection i breathe a slight little sigh of relief it s not that i love rejection i mean come on i was in junior high once it s not because i want to tell one more person in my life that i have spent over three years writing a book and it seems that no one as of yet wants to read it i breathe a slight little sigh of relief because of fear i made a commitment to the story and to god to tell the whole truth about those first years of polly s life in memoir as in life its a no no to lie when i got serious about writing our story i knew that i would have to be real about everything that happened after polly was born as a missionary and pastor s wife my response to having a child with down syndrome was much less than christian the bottom of my faith easily fell out i got depressed i stopped showering i drank too much chardonnay i struggled to love my baby do i really want people to read all of that to tell the truth the answer is no i don t want people to read the whole story because i am afraid of what they will think of me i would rather hide the hard parts of my life and let them think that i scooped up my child with special needs and said a prayer of thanksgiving for her life and moved on i would rather them think that i am always a woman of faith worthy of the call to be a child of god but flannery o conner says the truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it i would also add that truth loses its power when altered even though i am afraid i realize that my story isn t worth telling if not told in its entirety the very essence of my memoir s power if there is any is brokenness the fact that god came in and rebuilt me and my faith and my relationship with my baby after i fell apart is the real story the redemptive story and i am convinced the very thing people need to hear to truly get a clear non superficial non judgmental idea of jesus i used to think of redemption as a one time thing i believed in jesus when i was sixteen years old his payment for my sins on the cross equaled a done deal i still believe this it is the very core of my beliefs but i also believe that we are all a work in progress there is a continual need for everyday redemption the kind of redemption that heals a mother s heart the kind that sets a person back up on the wagon after he has fallen off that helps someone apologize to her kids for freaking out over spilled milk or causes a shoplifter to put the bra in her purse back on the shelf in target a redemption that showed me that the child i was afraid to mother was the exact child i needed to reach depths of joy and wonder otherwise unknown in my life so i will keep putting myself out there if my memoir publishes one day not everyone will like it there will be criticism well deserved i should add there will probably even be disappointment but most importantly there will be the truth of everyday redemption and unexpected beauty displayed in the birth of a child with slanted eyes and the widest smile on the planet and i think that s enough posted by gillian at 9 57 am 38 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels books about down syndrome christian agents christian book publishing christian writing down syndrome down syndrome kids finding an agent gillian marchenko memoir missionairies pastor s wife older posts home subscribe to posts atom hi i m gillian www gillianmarchenko com i m a christian wife mother writer speaker advocate pastor s wife who can t play the piano and a lover of peanut butter contact me by email at gillian rcn com friday feature want to guest post on pocket lint click on friday feature gillian s bookshelf read more of gillian s books gillian marchenko promote your page too online casino popular posts new blog post up at www gillianmarchenko com don t forget to switch your google reader etc to my the new blog on my website www gillianmarchenko com i have a post up today abo kindle giveaway this giveaway is closed the votes were counted and the kindle won hurray it s my very first giveaway on pocket lint exciting w a guest post about an orphan in china with down syndrome please welcome my guest blogger we ll call her walking to china she s working and living and studying in china with her husband the wrong diagnosis one mother s struggle with post adoption depression one of the first times i was with my daughter in ukraine in 2009 second opinion last thursday i took evangeline our adopted daught zoya update zoya 9 years old i ve decided that a good analogy for a nine year old girl is the board game risk let me explain for six weeks of the grinch s heart grew two times that day every who down in whoville liked christmas a lot but the grinch who lived just north of whoville did not the grinch hated christmas t my favorite special needs sites a wild ride abilitypath org about com special needs children with special needs disability scoop down syndrome pregnancy downsyn com examiner com five minutes for special needs national association for down syndrome reece s rainbow shut up about your perfect kid special education law blog special olympics spread the word to end the word the special parent i am a chicago special needs parent examiner labels down syndrome gillian marchenko moyamoya international adoption special needs down syndrome adoption motherhood brain surgery adopting children with down syndrome memoir christianity chicago special needs parents examiner ukraine 31 for 21 reece s rainbow chid brain surgery depression wri...