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Text of the page (random words):
ced care paperwork an introductory brochure for the terminally ill the days that followed hal s initial diagnosis were a blur they were also full of hal s profound clarity at a time when most would be full of anger and blame regret and sadness hal completely let go he was full of love for everyone hal we had learned had been sick for many years with zero symptoms pancreatic cancer is shitty like that hal was as alive on the outside as a person could possibly be the cancer tho had other plans still hal refused to look backwards he refused to look forwards too he was alive for now and that was his focal point the moment hal and i left the hospital on the day of his 44 th birthday coming home to our four children to break the news that hal had stage 4 cancer hal called to the kids as soon as we walked through the door he was the epitome of grace under fire he was calm cool steadfast eloquent the six of us gathered around the dining room table hand in hand you guys hal said smiling through tears i m dying this time it was hal who made the full circle comments my love language i sobbed it was the most visceral human moment outside of the births of our children that i had ever experienced it was a soul framer we all felt it hal s heart was broken but bigger than that he was gracious and suddenly we couldn t help but feel gracious too we all cried of course we cried lot because that s what people do when they love each other that s what people do when they recognize how finite all of this is we were so lucky even if only for a moment in the days that followed we would find out that not only did we have each other we had an army friends and family came running with food and go fund me s and furniture and appliances and most importantly gigantic hearts we were blown away days later hal broke the news of his illness publically on facebook and immediately people starting calling and writing commenting and texting with words like unfair and tragic and i m so sorry this is the worst possible news to which hal responded over and over and over again how can you say that when i ve never in my whole life felt so lucky from the outside things appeared tragic and yes they absolutely were they still are we will never get over this loss but after fourteen years of lighting candles and blasting music we continued to do exactly that and as exhibited by our incredible children we were able to pass those same life skills on to them archer fable bo and revi you are the best of both of us and we are so incredibly proud of you hal and my last night together wasn t so far off from our first one except this time it was me playing him prince and the smiths and yes even the misfits from the speaker of my cell phone he was unable to speak but didn t need to i had all the right songs it took me sitting down to write this speech to realize that the story hal and i were destined to write was the one we actually lived an adventure with every possible scenario we did not have an easy marriage it was hard and it was messy and it was complicated but it was also an adventure full of surprise pregnancies and surprise tax bills and a surprise cancer diagnosis and while we really struggled with the day to day life stuff in a crisis we were amazing when shit got real we joined forces with military like precision we became conjoined generals a harmonized orchestra on a sinking ship from the day we met to the day we married to the day we became parents to the day hal died we had ourselves a great fucking story we defied genre we were a bad hallmark special crossed with a greek tragedy thrown against a romantic comedy suspense thriller after school special feminist coming of age story rock opera we lived a lifetime in fourteen and a half years we were lucky we are lucky yesterday the kids and i buried hal s ashes and instead of crying we danced the kids dug their shovels in the soil and we blasted prince s let s go crazy and gathered to get through this thing called life just like we always had like we always will and it was painful and joyful in the same way everything that matters always is and i immediately thought of the hotel room smelling of death and dirt and hal lighting a hundred candles around the bed i m not going to lie the last four months were excruciating but they were also bursting with love because of all of you your hearts were an elevator for his spirit truly he read your texts and burst into tears he said i love you to strangers and he meant it hal died knowing he was loved he died knowing that his children would be taken care of that i would never be alone when it came to caring for them he died knowing halbino style that he gave it all he had and received in the end even more he died feeling lucky finger to the sky and in spite of our tremendous loss as a family a community the world i think we can all agree that that is such a win so thank you i love you we love you forever 0 comments link federated media ad spot the grass cannot be greener on the side it will not grow posted by girl s gone child monday september 18 2017 my daughter is wearing her the future is female t shirt it s stained but she doesn t care she wears it every week and when people ask her what it says she tells them that we need more girls to lead a man stops her brother who is by her side and asks him where his shirt is what do you mean her brother answers that s your sister right shouldn t you be wearing a shirt that says the future is male aren t you offended the man asks why would i be offended yeah well i m offended i t should say the future is equal he explains this isn t the first time someone has said this to me to him to others to anyone who dares to take a strong stance against the imbalance of patriarchy and so i momsplain do you remember being on a teeter when you were little do you remember being on a teeter totter with someone a lot heavier than you an older sibling maybe a parent do you remember how hard you had to push your body down in order to move the damn thing how there was no other way to get the teeter totter to move except to bear down with all of your might equality doesn t happen with polite gestures throughout history people have had to scream and push and pull in order be heard and seen and recognized if the other side of the teeter totter is 10 times heavier than you are you have to push 11 times as hard one cannot fight for equality in a lopsided world without pushing down on the teeter totter one cannot talk about fairness when status quo is unfair the only way to create a more equal future is to strive for a more female one and the only way to strive for a more female one is to demand it he doesn t want to hear me which is fine i used to care what he thought of me and i don t anymore the man this stranger who i have crossed paths with a thousand times only knows how to be on top how to look down how to weigh the heaviest on his side of the teeter totter don t you see the ocean would never feel threatened by the stream but the man s levels are low and he feels exposed he does not see himself as an ocean there is a drought and he wants the water in his body there is a drought and he demands long showers says with his eyes that he deserves a green lawn for the neighbors to see i have worked very hard to raise my children in a household that upholds femininity as strong and kind empathetic nourishing fiesty fierce flawed important we would all be so lucky to live in a world that was more female and yet some men feel threatened by words that exclude patriarchy as if it isn t our default setting this is how i explain our interaction with my children in the car on the way home girl power is designed to elevate girls to the status of boys but men can t help but wonder where they are supposed to go like standing on a ship that is filling up with people who should have always been allowed to board it would make sense that these individuals would feel threatened it would make sense that these individuals would lash out in ways even they couldn t fully understand everywhere they look they are told that this is their ship that eve was god s gift to adam meanwhile the ship captains try to put laws into place to put their safety first because no one wants to be replaced jews will not replace us blacks will not replace us all lives matter latinos will not replace us down with daca humans who are not white and male and straight will not replace us maga if my body is made of water what happens in a drought those were her words not mine she is six years old and knows her body is made of water she is six years old and knows her body is vulnerable that water is not an endless resource and sometimes we feel dry inside she mentions one day in passing that she is concerned her body will run out of water that it will become dry like grass because what if there isn t enough water to go around she is worried that if she drinks too much she will be taking from someone else i am worried by what she says i don t want her to ever think she is taking from someone else what is rightfully hers i do not want her to be afraid to quench her thirst i want her to drink all of the water she needs her sister is different she does not know her body is anything other than hers she slams her face against walls and doesn t cry she falls down and gets up without checking her knees for wounds sometimes she takes things from other people and doesn t give them back sometimes people take things from her and she body slams them i don t want her to ever think it s ok to take from someone else what is rightfully theirs i want her to know when to share and when to give and when to listen i want her to know to keep her hands to herself i tell her these things over and over we sit down and hold hands and i tell her to look into my eyes and she does we don t talk about those kinds of things says the father with his hands over his son s ears a boy i once saw flip up the skirt of a friend s daughter while the parents pretended not to notice we don t talk about those kinds of things for every parent who is unwilling to talk about those kinds of things another teenage girl is raped i know for a fact that my first experience with sexual assault was by a boy whose parents didn t talk about those kinds of things and i often wonder what he would and wouldn t have done to me in my sleep if they were willing to talk openly and candidly about respect and consent and the importance of not putting your hands on the body of a sleeping girl i m reading through the comments on a post about black lives matter the very first comment calls the article racist against white people she claims that being black is no different from being white she claims that all lives matter that no one s life matters more than anyone else s she tells the author she is creating a division where there isn t one she is telling a black mother that her story is invalid that her perspective is wrong that her fears are unwarranted her comment has the most likes don t you see the ocean would never feel threatened by the stream but she does not see herself as an ocean how could she with such unwillingness to realize her depth there is a drought and she wants the water in her body there is a drought and she demands long showers she deserves a green lawn for the neighbors to see white lives matter too she says again in the comment section and again and again and again all lives matter says the ocean to the stream says the river to the creek i don t talk to my children about politics i want to keep them out of it as long as possible i want to keep them innocent let them be young and wild and free meanwhile a third grader just like mine went to school today afraid that she will be taken from class and deported another river bed dry let them be young and wild and free like the ocean when last year la was in a drought there were signs all over la saying we are so sorry for our appearance we are so sorry we aren t beautiful and green growing unnaturally we are so sorry we cannot thrive in an environment we were never supposed to thrive in in the first place we are so sorry grass the signs were apologizing for grass grass that grows unnaturally like the palm trees california wants you to believe were here first they were not here first and now they are dying they are dying because they are old and didn t come from here neither did we i often wonder what it would have been like had we been taught that they were here first that america was kidnapped and painted white white house white monuments white picket fences in high school all of the mexican kids were on one side of the school and the rest of us were on the other we had pe class together but that was it we would laugh at jesus name because it was jesus hey jesus we would say mispronouncing it on purpose we were cruel without meaning to be we were cruel because we believed we were better we were taught every time we turned on a tv walked out the door rolled up our windows at the sight of brown skinned people on the corner looking for work that we were better we are guilty that is why we feel guilty that is why trump makes us sick he is us he is all of the things we pretend we are not we hate him because we recognize the worst of our humanity in his words he is the monster we pretend we don t have in our closet he is the ego we think no one can see when we post for likes and retweets he is the part of every human being that wants power without having earned it who wants to win first he is the monster we deny we constructed out of years of assignments drawing him at the helm of the santa maria or was it the nina or eating turkey in a pilgrim hat or when we stand for the pledge of allegiance without knowing what the fuck we re even saying when the teacher says repeat after me he is the god we have been told to worship in the pockets of the designer bags we saved for when we pretended we didn t see the homeless teenager asking for a dollar when we bought houses behind hedges to ensure our safety when we pulled our kids from public schools that weren t good enough and he will reappear in a new skin if we don t recognize that we all have come of age in the same garden our stamen from the same seed that what we hate in him is what we see in ourselves we are guilty guilt will not absolve us of our crimes of course we must work together to change the narrative we must fight against our own implicit bias we must recognize our shadows and face them head on we must be willing to break our children of their innocence so that across town children in real danger can be safe we must be willing to call ourselves out at back to school night everyone seems to ask the same questions how do we raise them we ask except we aren t asking about how to raise better more empathetic outspoken interesting engaged children we are talking about grades the world is on fire and we are talking about how to improve test scores i...