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the corresponding spot on my butt yep there were silver scales on my shorts ewwwww when we got home i immediately tossed my scaly shorts in the washer and my body in the shower as i was scrubbing and scrubbing an idea came to me my kayak didn t have a name neither of our boats did we couldn t think of names when we got them in may and figured a name would present itself eventually it had the mental image of me sitting on this tiny fish still fresh in my mind i went onto etsy to look for someone who could make a name sticker for my boat oregano saw me what are you working on he asked thanks to today s events i ve come up with a name for my boat i replied really what is it he asked the guppy i said turning the screen to show him the image that s perfect my kayak still doesn t have a name though he said forlornly i ve come up with a name for your boat but i don t think you re going to like it i replied really you thought of a name he seemed excited yes i think we should christen your boat the ss unchivalrous oregano shook his head and walked away the guppy at spruce run reservoir share the laughter share on x opens in new window x share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading 25 comments posted in uncategorized and tagged humor kayaking bookmark the permalink rain deer and 2 jews a 2020 christmas tale posted on december 27 2020 by paprika furstenburg t was the morning of christmas and two jews were at home a global pandemic meant they could not roam while doing a puzzle they heard a faint sound it must be the cats batting some toys around by the window they noticed something go past it didn t move slow but it didn t move fast i asked was that a deer we just saw trot by it can t be we thought our fence is quite high then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter holy shit it s a deer our fence didn t matter the deer was trapped she was stuck in our yard getting her out safely was going to be hard the deer ran around hurled herself at the fence the situation quickly became quite tense if spooked through our glass door we feared she might burst a deer in our house we imagined the worst the fix we thought was to get the gates open maybe she d let herself out we were hopin we had to get out there we needed a clearing but how could we without her seeing or hearing she cornered herself between the fence and some brush our chance had arisen but we now had to rush me in boots and jammies hubby wearing his crocs splashed through immense puddles to open the locks now dotted with mud and spattered by rain we dashed back to the house looking insane we closed the door quietly then stood still to wait would our frantic deer notice the now open gate she missed the way out and in a corner got stuck through the window we watched while both whispering fuck moments went past while she turned round and round all of a sudden toward the gate she was bound once out through the gate she ran down to the street oregano and i were quick on our feet back into the mud and the rain we both ran we each grabbed a gate which we closed with a slam dash away dash away dash away doe behind our tall fence is no place to go our clothes and the floor were now covered in dirt but we were just happy that no one got hurt let s chalk this up to the year 2020 a time that was filled with strange things aplenty share the laughter share on x opens in new window x share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading 26 comments posted in uncategorized and tagged animals christmas deer humor life bookmark the permalink getting to the root of the problem posted on october 9 2020 by paprika furstenburg fall is in full swing gone are the sauna like bad hair days of summer as a reward for enduring the heat and humidity of summer we get to enjoy crisp chilly mornings followed by warm afternoons instead of sweating through my daily walk where i count the steps until i reach the next patch of shade now i stomp and crunch leaves underfoot while colorful leaves twirl down around me like mother nature s confetti the cooler weather also means it is time for seasonal treats like apple cider doughnuts and my favorite type of apple macouns on a rainy day i was out running an errand when i realized a 10 minute detour would take me to the farmstand that sells both my favorite doughnut and apple life is all about balance the farm usually sells out of their doughnuts by late morning but since it was mid week i figured i had a good chance of scoring some despite it being 11am as soon as i got out of my car i could see the cider doughnuts piled high on the table woohoo thanks to co vid gone are the days of using a communal pair of tongs to select individual doughnuts they are now packaged 6 to a container oh the sacrifices we have all had to make because of the virus doughnuts acquired i began wandering amongst the huge variety of apples looking for the macouns in my search i came across a small green basket filled with knobby dirt speckled brown roots ginger i grabbed a piece the size of my thumb so i could use it to make some tea to go along with my doughnut right next to the ginger i found a bushel full of macouns i selected a few apples and practically skipped to the counter with my bounty of fall treats it was going to be a good afternoon despite the chilly rain when i arrived home i called up to oregano working in the office and told him that i had a surprise for him when he was ready for his snack break a half hour later a very long half hour during which i stared longingly at but did not eat the cider doughnuts oregano came downstairs to claim his surprise i was sitting on the couch in the living room distracting myself from the doughnuts by writing an email when i heard him say this is quite a haul cider doughnuts and macouns but why did you buy a single tiny potato i didn t buy a potato that s a piece of ginger i looked up to find him holding the ginger in his hand turning it around and examining it like it was a piece of evidence no i think this is one of those fingerling potatoes it really looks like a potato he said i m pretty sure it is ginger it was in a basket full of other small brown knobby pieces just like that i replied you mean a basket of other small brown potatoes he smirked put the potato down and picked up a doughnut with lips covered in cinnamon powdered sugar we debated the characteristics of potatoes versus ginger doughnut consumed i said there is an easy way to get to the root of this problem all we need to do is scratch the skin ginger is very aromatic if it is ginger it will be obvious oregano grabbed the questionable root scratched off a piece of skin took a whiff and handed it to me it s a potato he said matter of factly i held it up to my nose and discerned that it was indeed a potato i laughed so loud and so hard i startled all three cats from their naps i guess now that it is isolated from the other brown knobby roots it does look more potato like i admitted sheepishly it is not potato like said oregano savoring his victory it is a potato i started giggling uncontrollably again what do you think the farmer thought when i showed up at the counter with 6 doughnuts 4 apples and 1 very small potato i mused aloud i wonder why he didn t say anything what would he say i m sure he has seen crazier purchases the better question is what are you going to do with that tiny potato it s not like we can share it he said that s easy i ll make myself the smallest batch of home fries ever for breakfast tomorrow morning hash browns enlarged not to show texture but because it was a such a pitifully small pile share the laughter share on x opens in new window x share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading 16 comments posted in uncategorized and tagged fall humor life seasonal treats bookmark the permalink a walk in the woods posted on august 18 2020 by paprika furstenburg i suck at hiking i know what you re thinking hiking is just walking in the woods how much harder can it be than regular walking for me it is fraught with potential injury inducing opportunities and an assortment of insect bites with a long standing record of injuring myself doing mundane household activities doing a mundane activity in a natural setting only ups the ante on the risk factor i ve tried hiking in some spectacular locations glacier national park in montana waimea canyon in hawaii the alps in switzerland hiking while surrounded by those stunning vistas was completely lost on me i spent so much time concentrating on where i was putting my feet that i never looked up from the ground i might as well have been hiking in an aisle in target oregano knows of my dislike of hiking so he was a bit surprised when i suggested we go hiking at a park in pennsylvania as a way to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary why would you want to spend our anniversary doing that he wondered desperate times call for desperate measures we can t go on the celebratory vacation we planned or to a show or even out to eat it was time to think outside the box or just think outside i replied ok if you are sure you want to hike i ll take the day off from work he agreed it s supposed to be an easy hike so i should be fine as long as i slather on the bug spray and walk carefully i said attempting to muster enthusiasm for the loathsome undertaking the day before our anniversary outing i took hammers out of the garage and put them by the front door that evening oregano noticed them why are those hammers there we ll need them for our walk in the woods and i don t want to forget them i said cheerfully hmmm hammers on a hike that s weird i can t imagine where we are going that we ll need hammers in the woods he wondered as he headed up the stairs i admire your confidence in our relationship i said he stopped and turned to look at me what do you mean well your wife who hates to hike invited you on a hike in the woods and is packing hammers and you aren t the least bit suspicious we ve been trapped at home together for the past four months a man less sure of his relationship might be concerned about being taken on a journey to an undisclosed remote location with a bag full of potential weapons i said with a slightly evil smirk on my face he shook his head laughed and continued up the stairs don t try googling hiking with hammers in pennsylvania i warned as he hit the top step thankfully the day of our anniversary was not blazing hot so we grabbed our backpack loaded with bug spray water bottles and what may or may not be key pieces of evidence in an upcoming murder trial and headed across the border to pennsylvania it was a beautiful ride through bucolic scenery during the ride oregano s curiosity reawakened and he mused about why we might need hammers when we turned on to ringing rocks road he commented on the unusual street name and then a light bulb started to flicker above his head i wonder if that is a clue to where we are going it might be i said as we turned into the parking lot for ringing rocks state park when we got out i swung the backpack over my shoulder causing the hammers to clang against the can of bug spray oregano offered to carry the bag but i said i could manage then made an ominous laugh it was a blissfully flat trail we passed a few other socially distant hikers all carrying hammers i m not sure but oregano seemed slightly relieved to realize i wasn t the only one with hammers after a few minutes a strange sound began emerging from the left side of the trail it wasn t the buzz of insects or the chirps of birds these were not sounds you d expect to hear in the middle of the woods it was either an oddly located blacksmith s shop or some very large bells we walked down the path towards the noise and found a huge field strewn with boulders carefully we began to pick our way over and around the boulders nimbly avoiding the poison ivy growing between them my first thought after scrambling up and over a few rows of rocks was that this would be a great place for an orthopedist to set up shop i was envisioning an ice cream truck tricked out with a portable x ray machine the doctor could even play music to help the unfortunate people in need of medical assistance locate the mobile office in the woods as i scrambled around ungracefully on all fours i wondered which of my limbs i was going to break first always the optimist i realized that at least we d be able to use the hammer handles as a makeshift splint until we could get me back out across the boulders this looks like an easy stroll doesn t it while i was navigating this natural obstacle course i could hear the clanging cacophony created by the other hammer wielding hikers these people clearly had better balance or were direct descendants of mountain goats because they had made it to the far side of the field of boulders a wide eyed oregano took the hammer i managed to extract from the backpack and started banging out tunes on any rock he could reach some rocks had deep sounds like a bell others sounded like someone dropped change on a concrete floor and some were just duds how on earth did you know about this he asked me while swinging his hammer during my pandemic purge i came across an article i saved from 2007 about this park i did some research and thought it would be a fun surprise for you it only took 13 years and no other available options to move this attraction to the top of our places to see list share the laughter share on x opens in new window x share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin like loading 16 comments posted in uncategorized and tagged humor life ringing rocks state park travel humor bookmark the permalink chronicles of a corona captive i ve lost track of the number of days posted on june 1 2020 by paprika furstenburg this will be my last chronicles of a corona captive post most of us are slowly starting to emerge back into the world again now we are more like corona parolees thank you for helping me get through this quarantine what i thought would be a 2 week writing project to keep my...