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ur children and loved ones for example we damage impressionable psyches sometimes for a lifetime and we wreak relationship havoc the flip side to this is to view people through rose colored glasses so thick and idealized that we cannot see any flaws or faults even when others clearly can my husband and i just watched a classic film from the forties the heiress where olivia de havilland plays a plain jane character socially awkward and unassuming who gets swept off her feet by a stunningly handsome fortune hunter de havilland lives with her father who never misses an opportunity to compare her unfavorably to his dead wife romanticizing her as the epitome of idealized perfection he views his dowdy and shy daughter as an insult to his wife s very memory on the other hand de havilland s aunt is so caught up in the wishful fantasy of a prince charming rescuing her niece that she absurdly supports the romance even after de havilland is jilted when the promise of money disappears what made the movie compelling was de havilland s heartbreaking courage to allow and accept truth to pierce her illusions even though it shattered her world i just don t get it how could they how many relationships are strained when we cannot for the life of us understand how someone can hold a particular opinion or who remains tenaciously committed to problematic behavior in the face of objective and incontrovertible facts that contradict their beliefs it takes a great deal of courage for people to be willing to change their worldview so it s naïve to think that pulling back the curtain of their illusions will make them fall in line that is because our versions of reality can be bound up in our very identities our dreams and the stories we tell about ourselves and the world that is why sometimes we fight to the death over insignificant things the need to be right at all costs is the fear of the loss of self our history our values and our way of knowing things thus we can be so irrational when we are triggered because the very nature of being triggered means that a core value identity or need is being challenged and when our stories are confronted we defend them reason and reality be damned pharaoh and de nile the inability to recognize the obvious is never more evident than in the story of ten plagues how can we understand pharaoh s refusal to concede that egypt was being reduced to ruin even worse how could pharaoh reject the demand for freedom when moses warned of the most crushing plague of them all the death of the firstborn the text tells us repeatedly that at each juncture when pharaoh could relent that god hardened his heart implying that god caused pharaoh to continue to make these bad choices but that s not the case instead god prevented pharaoh from surrendering out of fear and expediency when facing an imminent threat people often promise to change their problematic behaviors but as soon as they think the risk is over they go right back to their dysfunctional ways the promise isn t real it s a disingenuous ruse for their convenience as long as pharaoh was unwilling to change his story his worldview namely that he was the deity in control god was not going to let him play that game incredibly it wasn t until egypt was destroyed the death of firstborn and his entire army perishing at sea that pharaoh was willing to cede to the truth that there really is a god and it ain t him what about us the point is not to look at pharaoh as a deranged dictator from a bygone era however but to look within is this going on in our lives is there something we are not willing to face the saying love is blind is not just a saying neuroscience has proven how infatuation causes us to lose the ability to think critically of course when the chemicals wear off we see people as if for the first time and wonder who is this person as a long time divorce attorney and now a coach i cannot count how many times people admit that the problems destroying their marriages were there beforehand and feel remorse for not listening to friends family or their own inner voice that questioned the relationship in my experience people tell us who they are but often we refuse to see it or if we do we believe we can fix them so i am going to do something very unusual i am going to provide some questions for you to consider and outline objective red flags and danger signals that if present in your relationships should make you question very seriously whether a relationship is right for you and if you still choose the relationship then at least you can open your eyes and come up with realistic strategies to make the relationship healthier and happier projecting the future would i want to spend the rest of my life with this person exactly as they are would i want this person to raise my child would i want my child to be exactly like this person are you talking yourself into the relationship do i want to help them or rescue them because i see their potential i love the way they look or their status and it builds my self esteem to be with them we have some things in common so i am avoiding looking at glaring differences i m focusing on one important quality and ignoring unmet requirements i notice myself trying to change this person to fit what i want rather than accepting them for who they are danger signs reacts to frustration with anger rage and blame blames others or circumstances for life situation tries to control everything including me is immature impulsive and or irresponsible is emotionally distant avoidant and aloof is still pining for a past relationship wants me to make their sad life better is married or otherwise unavailable to commit to me has active addiction or addictive behavior rationalized as not a problem common red flags is pessimistic and negative about things that matter to me lacks integrity in dealing with people money etc is judgmental towards themselves and others is unwilling to self examine take feedback accept responsibility doesn t keep agreements what they say about themselves doesn t match reality takes you on an emotional roller coaster with regular or recurring emotional drama this isn t what i really want but i don t want to be alone shows changeable inconsistent behavior shows an inability to listen talks too much especially about themselves monopolizes conversations or is overly withdrawn and quiet what we resist persists if a number of these issues resonate with you please get some objective help in evaluating the relationship unresolved problems don t improve after marriage they get worse it s distressing how many people refuse to see or downplay warning flags and head into unsatisfactory marriages where they may struggle for years to get clarity on why things aren t working de havilland got it right when she realized that wishing desperately for something does not make it so watch the movie sources conscious dating red flags checklist relationship coaching institute all rights reserved adapted with permission january 19 2018 hanna perlberger 1 comment the road we must travel parshat va eira our mistakes and regrets are not barriers to becoming who we can be they are a necessary ingredient david schnarch thanks but i d rather own my stuff in the middle of writing this blog i was solicited to purchase an expensive business development course which promised to create a quantum leap in my coaching practice when i admitted disappointment with certain aspects of coaching the voice on the phone was quick to point out it s not your fault no doubt the voice was trained to say this to establish a sympathetic connection hoping i would be sobbing in grateful relief as i reached for my credit card instead i bristled at the very idea buddy i thought of course it s my fault whose fault should it be should i blame my clients my childhood the universe because if it s not my fault then how in the world can i ever fix it when we outsource the blame for a problem then we are outsourcing the solution as well and when we give up agency the ability to make choices and see the causal relationship between our actions and outcomes we undermine one of the highest faculties of being a human being the jewish journey leaving home the first directive god gave abraham was an eviction notice go for yourself from your land from your relatives and from your father s house to the land that i will show you abraham s journey was not merely physical but spiritual where he had to transcend his external and internal influences and limitations to awaken to a higher level of spirituality in going from haran he left a place of constriction but also everything that was known and familiar to him to brave the unknown to journey to the promised land where he would fulfill his destiny and relationship with god in a whole new way god also tells abraham that in the future the jewish people will be oppressed as slaves for hundreds of years in an alien land but that ultimately we would leave that land with great wealth ironically abraham s first footstep of freedom set in motion events that would eventually cause the jewish nation to become enslaved coming home in va eira we begin the process the most celebrated eviction in history the exodus from egypt just like abraham s journey occurred in stages god tells moses that he will redeem the jewish people in four steps i shall take you out from under the burdens i shall rescue you i shall redeem you i shall take you to me for a people the hebrew word for egypt mitzrayim means narrowness and constriction thus the formula for growth is the willingness to leave a mindset or place of limitation to which you are attached so here on a national level the jewish people had to leave the place of bondage which was all they knew to brave the unknown in their journey towards the promised land where they would awaken to their collective spiritual mission of establishing a loving relationship with god connected through torah what we can t control god s business when god took us out of egypt the jewish people were at the penultimate depth of spirituality any further descent and redemption would have been untenable if the endgame here was for us to become god s people then god intervened at the last possible moment before that kind of connection would no longer be feasible the matter was urgent and god wasn t waiting for the jewish people to work on themselves if that was the plan all along however both in becoming slaves and then being freed on god s cosmic timetable then we were passive entities on both ends of the stick where does that leave the jewish people regarding personal responsibility and agency what we can control our business many jews have the daily custom of reciting the six remembrances one of which is to remember for the rest of our days the day that we left egypt and tradition tells us that in the future the final redemption will be similar to the story of the exodus in the meantime however don t count on god to airlift you out of your mess in our daily morning blessings we specifically thank god for not having created us a slave and so every day is an invitation to look at our lives right now if i am attached to my bad habits if i refuse to admit that my behavior is problematic and i defend my unexamined stories then my relationships are going to suffer since my wellbeing depends primarily on the quality of my relationships then my life as a whole is compromised god didn t create me this way i enslaved myself but that s ok if i created my mess then i can fix it relationships people growing machines in the beginning god said that it was not good for man to be alone thus we are created to exist in relationship as a matter of fact without connection we don t even exist as all existence is contingent on there being a second something only god is a unity we live in the space of relationship that exists between us and everything and everyone else and so it s more than just the quality of your life that depends on the quality of your relationships you are the quality of your relationships the journey of the heart the willingness to break free of what enslaves us and to brave the wilderness of new possibility is to undertake the most magnificent journey of them all the journey of the heart redemption is a process a difficult and challenging one most of us are more comfortable with the devil that we know and so even if we are suffering we are surprisingly resistant to change the challenges and tests we face in our relationships are nothing more than a reflection of who we are when we stop defending positions we can start to open our hearts and by owing our stuff we can let it go before we can leave egypt we have to be willing to go but it s so worth it the promised land is love you can go home january 12 2018 hanna perlberger being open to change leaving egypt relationships 1 comment serving the moment versus serving oneself which mindset are you parshat shemot you have a decision to make before you lies a conflict you haven t been able to resolve or a new reality that is causing anxiety and stress or maybe something in your life is asking you to take a leap of faith change your perspective or become a bigger version of yourself are you willing to open up to new possibilities or will you shut down and stick with what you know are you searching for truth or defending an agenda that choice may depend on how you define yourself your mission in life and what you are willing to see in the second book of the torah shemot we read about two polar opposite personalities moses and the pharaoh one who committed one of the most transcendent actions recorded in the torah and the other who committed one of the most heinous one was a servant of god who brought redemption and light the other a god who served his own agenda and brought destruction and darkness yet they shared something in common the word behold each of them had a paradigm shift and then set into motion world events consistent with their respective visions what have you done for me lately in shemot we see in pharaoh words the blueprint for anti semitism in fact it is said that hitler modeled his propaganda machine after pharaoh s strategy the torah introduces us to pharaoh as a new king who did not know joseph it is patently impossible that any egyptian ruler would not have known the joseph story that the jewish people were invited to settle in egypt appreciation for joseph having them from famine and enriching egyptian coffers beyond imagination as the entire civilized world showed up on egypt s doorstep in need of grain for someone like the pharaoh who considered himself all powerful and divine it was mortifying to feel indebted to the jewish people and their god with the death of jacob joseph and all his brothers pharaoh shirked off any vestige of gratitude it was therefore not a case of not knowing but rather creating a new historical political narrative which recast people who had been meaningful ...