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Text of the page (random words):
happy seriously seriously trying happy seriously seriously trying home cut throat club hi may 16 2014 4 comments depression mom and dad stevie ray van helsing the dad letter i need to tell you what happened today today i received a message on facebook from my dad s girlfriend this is what it said i have a message from a friend that you are bad mouthing me you do not see your step dad because you walked away nor because of me he is not your father and wants nothing to do with you because of your behavior towards him you took sides with a vicious wicked woman stay with her you are a selfish spoiled person notice the word step before dad and the words vicious wicked woman my dad is not my step dad he adopted me when i was 3 days old my mom is many things but she has never been anything near the description vicious and wicked if anything she is way too meek and mild if you can recall my therapist assigned me the homework of writing my dad a letter i have not done this i have not known what to say and also if i wrote him a letter he 1 wouldn t read it and 2 it wouldn t feel like an actual goodbye a real goodbye would give him a chance one final chance to say something so today i decided to be done with it and i drove to his house he came out and said i know we have some things we have to work out but not now when dad i said it has been four years i m here to say goodbye i m here to give you a chance to tell me you love me or you never loved me or you really think i m not your daughter and i m selfish and spoiled he couldn t look me in the eye i never said those things then she came out standing at about four inches shorter than me she put her face in my face and the screaming never stopped you fucking whore bitch i read your fucking high school journals you slept with your fiance you fucking whore before you were married get off my fucking lawn i m calling the police he s not your dad i hate your fucking guts he s not your dad he s your step dad he adopted you your own fucking parents didn t want you you selfish whore bitch and on and on and on i stood there in my dress suit and heels just clocked out of work standing there staring at my grey haired stooped dad watching this woman yell in my face you should have been here a long time ago she had the audacity to say your dad has been dying and where have you been i have been here i said i came here i came to the hospital you both yelled at me and told me to get the hell out what was i supposed to do then she pushed me she took both her hands and shoved me she called my mom a whore bitch she called me a fucking whore and then she pushed me and i stood there i didn t react i am not violent i m not white trash i was raised with manners and a way to do things and never ever in my life have i encountered a woman like this i have only seen stuff like her on staged shows like jerry springer i felt like i was at the zoo or the circus she grabbed a phone and began rattling my name to the police then she lit into me again all the while my dad just stood there watching and mumbling to himself i just watched her go mostly out of curiosity at that moment i wanted a cigarette i don t smoke but i think i could have lit the cig and burned the whole thing down before she was finished finally i reacted i looked her up and down i m not scared of you i said you don t intimidate me you are scared you are so scared of me you can t even control yourself my dad said i couldn t be part of his life unless i accepted you but look at you why would i do that i feel sorry for you but not enough to let you in never i turned to dad this is goodbye and i waved my hand over to his girlfriend who began running her mouth and blabbing at the cops and i said this is what you left us for goodbye dad i m gone then i looked at her you know you are going to die some day and then i left i slipped into my car and drove off i drove in a daze that my mere presence would cause such a ruckus i did nothing i absolutely did nothing but just be i had so much power over that woman so much action jammed packed into my being there the crazy girlfriend yelling and flailing her arms in the air grew small in my rearview mirror and that was my goodbye letter i m done it s a new precious life from here on out i just emailed my therapist i m in need of a session or two tagged anger anxiety child confrontation depression goodbyes issues with dad mental health parental issues parents therapy may 15 2014 1 comment corporate america long absences and 14 reasons i despise my manager you come here to blog and then you disappear and then when you return you feel like apologizing for not opening your diary to everyone for the past few months or so but apologies are not necessary just because a blog is public does not make it obligatory and so here i am again not apologizing for anything sometimes when i read apologies from bloggers who have not posted in a while i feel nauseous like seriously oh my what has happened since i last splurged well i work in a business that has a very busy certain time of year that has to do with finances if you are clever you can probably name that occupation well i survived which isn t hard because for me it is just more stuffing of the same envelopes and processing of the same documents only more this happened during the transition between winter and spring so when i crawled pale faced and anemic out of the office after our busy season i found flowers and sunshine and spring which made me feel happy praise i also applied for a new job shhhhhhhhhhhhh don t tell i will have to write and cry buckets to catch you up on everything but let me spill on this one subject today my manager is insane things about my manager that annoy me 1 she likes to refer to herself as mama 2 she likes to refer to herself as my mama i already have one of those and i do not have room for another especially at work 3 she is obsessed with her dogs to the point that when she is talking to you about them when they are not even here she uses a baby voice 4 she is patronizing she tried to teach me how to talk to old people i m from the south where customer service is ingrained in my blood do not teach me how to say thank you and yes ma am when i already do this naturally 5 she attempted to teach me how to fold a piece of paper to stuff in an envelope yesterday although i have been doing this everyday for almost a year not to mention my whole life since we learned how to address envelopes in the third grade 6 she makes inappropriate comments about my coworkers weight eating habits working talents in front of me and others i hate this 7 she complains about absolutely everything that has to do with her job and then makes serious comments like i am the most positive person working at this place this although she is the only person i ever hear complaining 8 she asked me how my husband and i could afford to go on a trip none of her damn business and then followed it up with asking if she could pay me to clean out her garage you know since i m not a grown ass woman or anything and i have time in my life to clean out her garage or spend any additional time with her for that matter i don t 9 her steps are so heavy and i can hear her all the way across the office 10 she wears about 15 bangles on her wrists which is annoying except that on the off chance she is not taking massive giant beast steps i can always tell when she is coming 11 she is manipulative about having me cover for her so she can miss work 12 she uses the word fuck casually in the office that is just not professional at all 13 once when she was lecturing me about nothing literally nothing and i said i am not sure the reason why i am receiving a lecture she responded with that is the most disrespectful thing i have ever heard come out of your mouth i would never tell my boss he was lecturing me and then directly after she said this she called me a smart ass to my face because that is more professional 14 a small child could do her job well i am so glad i got that out and i am crossing my fingers for an interview with this stellar new company oh and hi how are you tagged anxiety corporate america emotions happiness jobs journaling mental health thoughts working apr 06 2014 4 comments depression out of the fog the lingering breaking point old books and more and more crying when i am out of the fog i am not completely light hearted airy and happy when the cloud of depression evaporates i am left fragile extremely annoyingly fragile i am like a small butterfly whose wings have been torn and i can only hop from one little pleasantry to another better off a worm so even when i am out of the fog i cry like i have mentioned before crying is the ritual today i felt like i could break i drove my car around crying and crying and around and around waiting for the breaking to begin like when you feel a bought of sickness coming on and you resist the vomiting but wish it would come just so it could be over all the same that is how it is with breaking but instead i bought a book there is something about the smell of old books that feels like home to me not the home of my childhood or the home of my current day but a soul ish home a burying into my animalistic ways flight fight or read i scanned the aisles of the used book store and bought five little lovelies when i got into my car i breathed in the pages of each book and sat there with the white noise running through my brain and waited for the breaking but it never came and so i escaped another day out of the fog running frantically from the constantly lingering roll of thunder that rips the manic from me and now i have five books to read tagged anxiety depression emotions mental health reading saddness therapy older posts search for recent posts the dad letter i need to tell you what happened today long absences and 14 reasons i despise my manager the lingering breaking point old books and more and more crying lieb a few questions answered a few questions asked surfer andy normalizing me time and 10 page hate letters boredom winning gold stars and pleading with the universe categories corporate america depression happy thoughts hellhound intimacy mom and dad out of the fog stevie ray van helsing surfer andy therapy sessions uncategorized white coat considerations wifey issues create a free website or blog at wordpress com subscribe subscribed happy seriously join 150 other subscribers sign me up already have a wordpress com account log in now privacy happy seriously subscribe subscribed sign up log in report this content view site in reader manage subscriptions collapse this bar loading comments write a comment email required name required website design a site like this with wordpress com get started