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the hardest work you ll never love skip to main skip to sidebar the hardest work you ll never love thursday august 8 2013 it s been a while i really had no idea it had been so long since i had posted until i directed someone here and figured i better take a peek on it nothing since april where did the time go oh yeah husband 3 kids job 3rd round of grad school and more pets than i would like that s where it went it s all good though the important people are well healthy and happy the boy just turned 3 the eldest girl turned 13 today and juni turns 1 in 2 weeks they make me nuts want to drink too much and cry tears of frustration and joy in pretty much equal amounts they are awesome if i said that after 4 and a half years i don t still feel the shadow of a missing girl in our family i would be lying with every birthday and milestone i see a flash of what she would have been especially with juni those dark dark eyes that can sparkle like a fairy sprite are so like sage s it s hard not to wonder if sage would have looked like juni looks then again juni wouldn t be here if sage had lived so it s a moot point they are all moot actually because what is is and it can t be what it s not so we continue to plug away and keep on keeping on trying to do our best to be the people we want our kids to be when they are grown it s still hard but it is definitely getting easier if that makes any sense i seriously say this to my boy at least once a day posted by these kids mama at 8 59 pm no comments sunday april 28 2013 the balm for my wounds posted by these kids mama at 7 19 pm no comments saturday february 16 2013 sage turns 4 today it has been a sad and bitter day i am conflicted in so many ways we have made a tradition to bring needed items to the nicu that cared for her so well on her birthday this year i couldn t get anyone to answer my calls or emails finally i got someone today and it was like i was hassling them they came back with a couple things but still sounded like they just wanted to get me off the phone i know i am sensitive and over analyzing the whole thing but i think i will come up with another way to honor sage every year from now on posted by these kids mama at 7 52 pm no comments wednesday november 7 2012 my house is nuts me less so these days so my home is insane with the trappings of a toddler boy newborn girl and adolescent hormone whackjob that looks eerily like my 12 yr old daughter i m back to work and we are finding our new groove i had an pretty nasty time with ppd but am feeling better honestly i think going through the abyss with sage dying helped me learn to cope with depression better i would feel bad and could really reflect and say well at least this baby is alive kind of brings a new clarity to it all when you have that as a benchmark for your emotions anxiety though is a different story my ob is awesome and i am lucky to call him a friend and colleague we had a check in today and he gave me some good advice we were discussing my mood and anxiety he asked me how i would rate myself as far as being close to my normal that hit me like a ton of bricks i really don t remember normal if you mean pre sage normal then i m nowhere on that chart i don t even recall what it was like if you mean post sage normal then i m at about 60 70 i could feel myself start to shake and flush and my heart started to race when he asked me to explain that rating and said that he could see me shaking i almost broke down the pressure to be okay and step back up to my responsibilities is overwhelming i am a super overachiever and am determined to get back up on that horse hell i ll skin that damn thing and make you a coat if you ask me to little would you know my facade is so thin that the interior shows through the ever expanding cracks i feel fake i am a fake i feel irreparably broken so i overcompensate to seem whole i felt panicked because here was someone i trusted admired and worked with and they could see the flaws in the plaster he looked me square in the face and said you are doing ok you are doing the best you can and that s all you need to do it is enough and you are enough of course i nod my head agreeing because i know this stuff rationally clinically academically i know this i know this but i guess i needed to hear it i needed to hear that i m on the right track and i don t have to be 100 happy collected organized and bounced back i needed to be reminded that i am actually doing really good comparatively for having a baby not even 3 months ago the blackness has receded and left anxiety in it s wake well it was always there but now i am feeling it more again i am on auto pilot most days and i guess that s ok i m not crazy i am not going off the deep end i am doing my best with what i have and that s ok for today posted by these kids mama at 8 43 pm no comments saturday september 1 2012 so everything went ok juniper geen sounds like jean was born last friday 24th and did great she is tiny but we knew that going in she had apgars of 9 9 and has almost gained all her in hospital loss weight back already she is a great little peanut and looks exactly like sage so there is that i have goofed and called her sage but i guess that s to be expected i had a horrible recovery as i am super sensitive to meds and anesthesia after 12 hrs of non stop vomiting i finally started to feel human and on day 4 came home we are enjoying our babymoon with our 4th and last child i can feel the ppd creeping back in and am recalling all my interventions to stave it off i want to enjoy this baby i really really do posted by these kids mama at 10 05 am 1 comment thursday august 23 2012 change of plans been discovered that we have iugr about 4 weeks so we will have the baby tomorrow breathing posted by these kids mama at 5 35 pm 1 comment monday august 20 2012 10 days 10 days until our section baby girl turned frank breech at about 27 weeks and all attempts to flip her have proven fruitless i have resigned myself to the repeat section and know that is how she is choosing to come through maybe big sister sage is helping prevent a catastrophe who knows bonus part is i get my botched scar fixed and my tubes tied no more for us we are insane as it is so this little one will be the icing on the nutty household cake we named her juniper geen and will call her juni when she is little wish us luck that she is healthy safe and staying and luck that my heart stays calm during the procedure we are planning ahead in case it doesn t so no surprises this time around hopefully posted by these kids mama at 5 03 pm no comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom my other links sage s promise site sage s promise followers blog archive 2013 3 august 1 it s been a while april 1 february 1 2012 7 november 1 september 1 august 2 april 1 february 1 january 1 2011 13 october 1 august 2 june 4 april 2 february 3 january 1 2010 28 december 2 november 3 october 2 september 4 august 2 july 4 june 3 may 1 april 1 march 2 february 4 2009 26 december 2 november 3 october 3 september 4 august 2 july 4 june 8 about me these kids mama west palm beach florida yep been through some heavy stuff but i m keepin on keepin on view my complete profile links i like to write their names in the sand now i lay me down to sleep support for bereaved parents donor memorial donate life florida