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s feeling as subspace this had to be the feeling i was looking for looking for this feeling again i found myself at another play party with the same woman again on the cross we practically repeated what happened during my first experience although the play was very intense and i did slip into subspace again what happened after would teach me yet another lesson this woman had a primary relationship and the play between us was just that play when we were finished i felt a sort of emptiness a longing kneeling beside her as she composed herself while sitting in a chair i so desperately wanted to place my head in her lap and i wasn t sure why what i learned was that there was more than just play there was an emotional connection that i was forbidden to pursue with this woman because of her primary relationship there was more to d s then just play alone working things out with bella we knew one thing we loved each other very much i also learned that the absence of my family affected me profoundly in an effort to appease each other sexually i pretended to be vanilla and she pretended to be a domme we certainly had an emotional connection to build on so the rest should have been easy or so i thought what i learned was not only did i need the space to express my submissive sexuality but i also needed a partner that needed me to be this way as well i learned what complimentary sexualities are and realized that bella and i didn t have one so not being sexually active with bella has given me lots of time to check my own feelings and try to understand what this is all about although i don t have all the answers i ve managed to figure out that there are elements of d s that are very important to me and other portions that i can live without what is clear is that how bdsm should be in my life is defined by me and nobody else the holy book of bdsm does not exist and we should spend less time trying to slot ourselves into pigeon holes and more time looking for compatibility so here i sit unsatisfied sexually with the constant yearning to express my sexuality in a way that feels natural to me conversely bella feels the same way from a sexuality standpoint she longs for a sexual vanilla match as well we both stifle our own urges on a regular basis because right now the bigger picture seems to be more important to both of us family we ve managed to solidify other components of a relationship that many other couples seem to struggle with things like friendship and love we love each other immensely and our friendship is the best match you can possibly find the boy flourishes here as well regardless of the obvious sexual mismatch his grades are fantastic his parents are best friends his independence as a teenager is growing in the right direction he sees none of the typical issues that come with having split parents because both his mother and i have come from childhoods where the importance of family was often missed in that respect bella and i have a common goal and it s what helps us ignore our sexualities as mismatched as they are over the years i ve learned an incredible amount about my sexuality some of it from my own experiences and other parts of it with good people that have accepted me for who i am now with sexual development on a sort of hiatus it still seems that although i ve discovered so much this far i also realize there there is so much more to discover and learn if the name of the game is compatibility who out there shares a complimentary sexuality to my own life has me busy with my family right now but when the boy leaves the nest or perhaps bella finds a match of her own i ll be faced with finding an answer to that question i have no idea how or if it will ever be answered posted by admin at 11 47 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels без рубрики sunday may 17 2009 i love the springtime so spring is finally here and slowly but surely summer shoes are starting to pop up it s a visual stimulus that i don t have to tell you people turns me on immensely it seems gladiator style sandals are all the rage which includes many flat 80 s style sandals which are often very creative and strappy i think the only thing missing from this 80 s shoe revival is the return of je lly shoes which i have to admit i didn t mind either there was always something about painted toes and shiny plastic shoes that was a great contrast and a turn on for a submissive shoe fetishist who s teen years where spent in the 80 s the only thing i recall from the 80 s that sort of bothered me back then was that flip flops were practically non existent and the basic closed toe pump was all everyone would wear which i found completely boring i ll keep my fingers crossed in hopes that trend doesn t return bella of course finally has her summer feet on and of course i m biased but when her toes are painted and she has a good pair of sandals on heeled or not it presses sexual buttons in me that i can t control bella knows it too although it s sort of a love hate thing with her because i know she thinks it s only the shoes that turn me on and not her alone that s not the truth at all but in her vanilla world two naked bodies should be the only thing two people in love should crave the fact that i need something different has always been her proof that i m sexually flawed i don t agree of course but that s a blog post that could go on forever so naturally with my heightened sense of sexuality and visual stimulus that spring brings the funk of completely boring masturbation has lifted i don t mean to say that every self induced orgasm i have ends up blowing my toes off but they certainly have been enjoyable instead of a chore i use to keep the monster quiet my attitude towards bella changes a little too during this time of the year as submissiveness tends to ooze out a little at a time even if she isn t coaxing it by pushing my buttons i tend to be a little more attentive to her needs and a little more agreeable by yielding to her point of view on things i love that feeling and crave it but if it s not nurtured or validated then you get into the same pitfalls as stealth submission which i ve learned ends up being unfulfilling to the point of disappointment and resentment in the end i ve been careful with expectation when it comes to letting my submissive feelings dictate my actions with bella if she chooses to reciprocate my feelings by playing along and nurturing my sexuality then i let it happen and enjoy the cascade of power exchange which sates my inner monster what i don t do is expect that tomorrow she ll act the same way because it only leads to disappointment what i have noticed though is that we seem to get along really well when my submissive mindset is at a peak when i m attentive to her needs she really revels in it and it s usually during this time that she reciprocates a little by pushing my buttons however bella and i have been here before many times playing around a little is fine and usually it makes us both really happy but without fail at some point bella stops the playful acceptance of my submission and hits me with the sex hurdle there s no doubt that she s quite enjoyed the fun up to this point but what becomes the next step for the both of us is entirely two different things she thinks i should crave vanilla sex complete with coitus foreplay the whole boring bit and i of course dream of leather strap ons bondage and kink our idea of sexual compatibility and bliss always split at this point and when it happens it brings a lot of resentment and anger on her part to which we once again return to no sexual contact or button pushing at all it s this point of incompatibility that is the failure of our relationship and sadly always will be on every other level we re a perfect match i do enjoy everything that leads up to this though so i won t deny myself by forcing my submissive nature towards bella into the closet sure she ll never be the domme of my dreams but as life ticks by while bella and i try to do the right thing for the sake of the boy embracing a little d s along the way is something i need even if i know the end result isn t going to be a compatible sexual relationship keeping the mindset though i find is a bit of a challenge because if she s not nurturing it or even validating it then i find it hard to express i m sure most self professed bdsm purists will say that i m not a true submissive if i don t give it up unconditionally but i m sorry that s just not realistic any relationship that is completely one sided is always doomed to fail you can t have yin without yang but like many submissive men i read about here in the blogosphere i too am finding a lin k between submissive attentiveness and frequency of orgasm it s typical i know but like many chastity is a big turn on for me and if i haven t masturbated in awhile my attentiveness towards bella goes up i don t think i m flawed because of it and i don t think that my submission is any less genuine because it s affected by chastity being chaste focuses mindset on sexuality and since my sexuality is linked to submission and serving bella then it s only natural that i d be more attentive during times of heightened sexual tension so the solution is easy i can hear most of you say impose some self restraint on yourself quit masturbating and enjoy the wonderful service you ll give bella during this time great that s easy right my hang up here is self imposed chastity is just like stealth submission bella doesn t expect me to remain chaste so doing so doesn t work for me i ve used subtle hints to help her want to play the chastity game with me but it s just not her bag she thinks it s wrong for anyone to take that right away from their partner however bella isn t without mischief she likes a good game now and again and i think if she were to snatch away the key to a chastity belt she d have some fun with me just for the sake of having some fun it wouldn t be a d s thing just a game i m wondering though she just may enjoy the extra attention that comes with me being frustrated so i d love to someday give a cb a shot what would completely turn her off though would be the cost if she found out i spent a couple hundred dollars on something so in her mind ridiculous she d be livid and push the whole thing away but if i did have this toy and the cost component was never revealed then i know she d probably see the benefits of this game and perhaps even come to like it what that doesn t do however is prevent the inevitable split when she wants to take our sexual relationship to the next step a step that of course we all know is not compatible sure would be a fun ride to that point though posted by admin at 2 23 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels без рубрики saturday april 4 2009 i could just imagine so like everyone else on the planet i ve got a facebook account and admittedly i probably check my page a little too regularly sure everyone has their opinions about social networking sites but i have to say fb has revealed relatives that i didn t know friends that i thought were gone forever and it s even helped me connect with my primary school classmates to which we now regularly get together for a beer now and again although the funny thing about fb is you get to see friends of friends of friends on there and i ll bet at least once a week i m getting friend invites from people that i don t even know my best friend s sister s boyfriend s brother s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who s going with the girl who saw you pass out at 31 flavors in 1986 thank you simone anyway a few weeks ago i got an invite from a girl that i ve probably said hello to maybe once or twice she was part of the regular club crowd in the 1990 back when my friends and i spent every dollar at the only dance club here in town her name is cara and she was one of those women who you just didn t really approach if you were looking to strike up a relationship she was well liked by every good looking beau at the bar and to think that i even had a chance would be foolish whether you like it or not most people know where they fall on a scale of 1 to 10 and a 7 never has a chance with a 10 that s for sure bella was a 10 too so how we ever ended up together i ll never know cara although very good looking always seemed to be very nice many people spoke very highly of her personality so she was far from conceited i did end up becoming friends with a very good friend of hers but that s about as close to the 7 degrees of separation i ever got so i don t really know cara but when i received her fb invite rather than hitting ignore like i would for anyone else that i don t really know i accepted her invitation because i remember just how good looking she was i admit it was a shallow thing to do nana nana boo boo too bad p she s married now with a couple of kids but i see from her pictures that her little clique of female friends are still a very large part of her life her husband was a good looking man when they married in 96 but recent pictures of him show he s balding badly and probably pushing 300lbs he s not flabby fat just a big boy is all my shallow gene has me saying to myself wow she could have done better but on the other hand from their point of view who the hell cares they probably love each other very much and for all i know he might be a great guy and a super dad since becoming fb friends she hasn t really said much to me probably because as we both know that we really didn t know each other all that well her friend patricia knows me so i almost wonder if the two of them were sitting at the computer together when she decided to add me as a friend she has commented on a few pictures and a few status messages that i ve posted but that is all i have to admit that cara looks just as good as she did back then i have been paying attention to all the new pictures she adds and she never seems to take a bad one her status messages are quite hilarious too and i find it hard to hold back and not comment on some of them woman s rule of thumb if it has tires or testicles you re going to have trouble with it grow your own dope plant a man did you hear about the baby born with organs of both sexes it had a penis and a brain she s far from a man hater because she always follows up with some light hearted comments although a certain submissive part of me is picking up on something and i now find myself wondering if she s a closet domme typical submissive male reaction isn t it sometimes i wonder if we stretch things a little too far or over analyze someone hoping for domme innards regardless her little comments coupled with her good looks are an immense turn on a week ago through her status messages she made it clear that she was planning a night out for drinks with the girls my thoughts perverted i could only imagine what ...