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Text of the page (random words):
round the durian fruit by now you ve probably stopped singing along with me and are exchanging confused glances with each other that s perfectly all right i was a little puzzled myself i was at a christmas party on treasure island with my friends and we were about to kick off our brand new tradition of cracking open the christmas durian fruit and later throwing it on the barbecue along with the christmas tree and getting the fire department called on us while i wrapped myself in garland and proclaimed i was the replacement christmas tree but well my recollection of that part is a little fuzzy up until this all i knew of this strange fruit was that it was supposed to smell like for lack of a better term foot rot many a travel channel host could barely stomach it the smell is supposedly so foul that it s been banned from public places in certain parts of asia i held my breath as it was split open before my eyes partly out of excitement and partly because i wanted to ready myself for any nostril damage i might experience it certainly didn t disappoint even after being frozen the odor of caramelized armpits filled the room like a swarm of invisible stink bees i was handed a fork and told to dig in after an internal pep talk with both my nose and mouth i scooped at the gooey innards and heaved it onto my tongue the taste was as much a shock as the smell but in a completely different direction durian fruit tastes like a delicate french onion custard if that s still an unsettling description then let me try this it tastes like potato chip dip i immediately dove in for more we all did up until the smell of post concert dee snider back sweat got a little too overpowering we then took the next logical step the christmas durian was thrown onto the barbecue so that our holiday cheer may spread to the neighbors posted in uncategorized leave a comment how heidi watches man vs food may 20 2011 first heidi usually gets a little drunk this is so she feels nice and fighty for the next half hour and can properly hurl insults at her television i can eat two of those in half the time you sissy does not come out half as bitterly or loud when one is sober next heidi likes to assert her dominance on something this is simply a reaction to watching a husky brooklynite pile loads and loads of meat into his mouth her preferred method is bench pressing the cat halfway through an episode heidi goes into phase three wherein she mutes the television puts her favorite german death metal cd in the nearest player and attempts to eat every last piece of food in the fridge while screaming grunting i choose you adam richman and removing her shoes it s primal don t ask at the end of each episode she is face down in a pool of what was once a bowl of cup o noodles cursing the darkness and feebly calling for her cat to come back out from under the fainting couch she is fairly sure that the above method of watching man vs food should itself be turned into a travel channel original program it will be called heidi vs man vs food vs her cat it will probably instead turn out to be the title of a court case posted in uncategorized leave a comment i review an app february 5 2011 you owe me hipstamatic a few days ago i was sitting on the couch and watching television when there came a knock on my side door that s funny i thought to myself i could have sworn i just had a front door i got up somewhat irritated that somebody had the gall to interrupt my nightly sanford and son by attempting entry into a door i wasn t even sure i had and peered into the peep hole outside stood my entire family and friends all three hundred of them they looked antsy i opened the door as far as it took to shout what the hell do you want and shouted what the hell do you want it s uh your surprise party some relative of some sort offered surprise let us in i opened the door and the mob stormed in just as i was remembering my birthday had been months ago and usually people who throw a surprise party for you don t make the point of telling you they re throwing you a surprise party everybody sat down in front of my tv immediately it was suddenly very cramped in my livingroom my mother spoke first heidi this isn t your surprise party at all this is an intervention i about dropped the four martinis and 40 of steel reserve i had been drinking simultaneously but hadn t felt the need to mention previously if this is about my drinking problem you guys what drinking problem no my mother continued ignoring the crying 5 year old cousin i d just spilled a quart of alcohol all over no nothing like that it s just that well it s your hipstamatic app we we think you re abusing it that i was not prepared for surely they couldn t be serious i like a growing number of people out there just really like making all my pictures look like i took them in the 60s maybe the frequency with with i post intentionally faded pictures of my dog napping with captions like woody s personal bed in for peace is a bit much but i can stop it whenever i want i just don t want to it s fun we all like fun right my family read the above paragraph and shook their heads a few pictures of your dog on your facebook a day is fine even cute some would argue said a few uncles at the same time but you you take pictures of whatever you re eating use the ina s 69 film and make stupid captions for it like the lasagna i had back when i was protesting nam or how about that entire photo stream where you used that blurry black and white film on your cat around 20 times and claimed it was his pre beatles period honestly heidi these aren t the actions of a normal sane person with hipster tendencies this is the work of an addict are are you even paying attention to me what are you doing with your phone put that down no no long story short no one s spoken to me since i posted the family drops by to watch the moon landing with me to facebook posted in uncategorized 2 comments daniel day lewis and sir anthony hopkins sassy country fried chicken restaurant adventures may 31 2010 scene camera pans in on an adorably rustic country diner the filthy sign out front reads cluckin good eats half naked children run amok out front throwing clumps of weeds and aluminum siding at each other an old hound dog lazes in the sun in front of the doorway we follow the camera inside to find none other than sir anthony hopkins scribbling furiously on a note pad while waiting on two local police officers in a cozy booth hopkins homefries or biscuits with your country fried chicken officer 1 oh i don t know don t you have any fava beans canned laughter hopkins for the fifth time no officer 2 i ll have a chocolate milkshake hopkins alright he scribbles on his pad officer 2 don t let anybody drink it sir anthony hopkins makes a face stalks off from the booth in a huff and walks into the kitchen daniel day lewis is there flipping up a griddle full of pancakes hopkins you know daniel some days i really regret leaving a wildly successful acting career to co manage this tiny diner in middle america that a wealthy dowager you rescued from a bus full of africanized bees with failing brakes left you in her will lewis yeah well i m not happy with who she appointed as head cook but a promise is a promise he motions toward their head cook a chimpanzee in a chef s hat and an apron that reads kiss my grits he s licking the stove hopkins professor chuckles that isn t sanitary professor chuckles responds to this by giving sir anthony hopkins a raspberry hopkins there goes your share of the tips canned laughter suddenly their wacky neighbor jimbo saunters in ed note can we get randy quaid at his side is a small boy of about ten jimbo whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat s shakin chili dawgs wild canned applause minimal whooping hopkins my career s a memory my life s a joke i smell like fried lard and i m fairly sure i ve just witnessed the birth of a new zoonotic disease he glares at professor chuckles who has now moved onto humping the oven jimbo sounds kinky canned laughter jimbo say guys this here is eddie his working class family died in a fire and the state awarded the both of you custody on account of how well you honored that wealthy dowager s dying wish congratulations you re his two dads hey eddie show your new dads what i taught you in the car eddie sits down pulls his knees up under his shirt and starts groping them like a pair of boobs eddie i m dolly parton lewis but but we manage a restaurant and we have to spend all the money we make on professor chuckles strict natural diet of fruits and beluga caviar we can t take on a child jimbo i m afraid you have no choice and also he comes with his snooty english butler bedlington a tall smartly dressed butler walks in bedlington the fire singed my belt so it doesn t work properly anymore his pants fall down sir anthony hopkins and daniel day lewis exchange pained glances they both sigh and look over at their new charges the scene fades into black and a peppy uplifting 80s song starts playing we fade back in on a montage of snapshots of the two oscar winning actors randy quaid or hell jim belushi if we run out of money eddie bedlington and professor chuckles all having fun making and frying up country fried chicken riding in bumper cars at the carnival eating cotton candy getting matching tattoos and hookers and burying professor chuckles in a ditch after an unfortunate outbreak of monkeypox fade posted in uncategorized leave a comment no pretty sure your job is better than mine may 5 2010 before we begin brain the size of a lima bean assistant manager is my newest enemy at work she s a micromanaging passive aggressive airhead who takes her job far too seriously and seems to have the personality of an incontinent chihuahua who who has just discovered the magic and mystery of a laser pointer as i was having a rough morning today my lower back was hurting and all my pregnant coworkers coworkers with sos wouldn t shut up about their love lives this is bothersome because i am an unlovable quasimodoesque troll who dwells in her pit all day and knows not of this love you humans keep blathering on about now don t try and say no you re not i have pictures but i digress i decided i wanted to take a break it wasn t like oh hey i ve been here a half hour i think i ma go take my ten it was more like well i currently hate my life i have been standing for three hours and will probably die of a broken hip breaks are legally supposed to come every 2 hours perhaps i should go sit down for ten minutes so i walked over to everyone s favorite brain the size of a lima bean assistant manager and asked her for one we were fairly well staffed and the line was big but not too bad and if i was to help one more customer i would have barfed fiery stomach anger lava all over them she said yes so i ran into the back room possibly screeching so long suckers behind me it s a blur and sat around for a cool ten minutes about an hour after this well deserved sit down assistant manager called me over for a little private talk private somehow meaning in front of the customers her okay when you took your break this morning at this point the aforementioned anger lava is threatening to leak out my spare orifices her was there a customer who was being mean to you or making you uncomfortable me no her okay so did you notice that we were busy me i saw we had a line and enough people on the floor to take care of it her okay to experience the full effect of lima brain here imagine a cross between lumbergh from office space and jessica simpson so we were swamped and i wasn t really thinking straight and when i gave you that break i didn t really mean it me her you saw that we were busy and that s not usually the time you re supposed to be taking your break me it was 9 30 am and i had gotten here at 6 30 am her well and you deserved that break but you shouldn t have asked for it ed note yeah here s where my brain hemorrhages too her shift lead had gone to the bank and he was technically in charge of giving breaks and we were swamped this bizarre circular half scolding went on for ten minutes i m still completely confused and i might add during my coworker s break lima brain decided she had been gone for too long and interrupted her seven minutes in to tell the poor girl she needed to come back out asap posted in uncategorized leave a comment the continuous crazy customer cavalcade april 23 2010 woman points to the sticky buns in the pastry case i want that thing me the sticky bun her yeah that thing me okay goes to grab it with the tongs her no me no sticky bun her i want the one in the front me the studies completely uniform sticky buns in the pastry case front one her yeah one in front me muttering under breath what difference does it make you post menopausal cu her noticing me grabbing one of the back ones to move it out of the way for her precious front bun no i said the one in front me fiercely digs into skull with tongs in desperate suicide attempt then guy wanders up to the register i dunno if i want hot coffee or cold coffee me well it is warmish out guy hot coffee makes me sweat real bad me cold then guy gimmie a cappuccino me just about to get off my shift woman um ma am scuse me ma am me yes woman my son indicating her baby just got his wet diaper all over this chair here i thought i should let you know maybe you could go get a rag me stabs self through brain regular customer with a budding beard on her face who always clomps in unenthusiastically takes all of our free coffee samples for herself and sounds uncannily like eeyore hi heidi me hello what can i get you her juss some hot water me alright her you look really pretty me here s your uh hot water her you you married regular guy who apparently suffers from massive ocd large coffee with caffeine and heidi make sure it has caffeine me here you go guy sit have caffeine me it sure does guy great and it it has caffeine right this coffee has caffeine in it did you get the caffeine coffee me yes i did it s caffeinated guy and it has caffeine right at some point during the conversation my head has exploded woman i d like a pound of italian roast me okay that s 12 95 please her did you get it for me yet me i did not her do you expect me to pay for something when you haven t even given it to me me going over a plethora of possible ways to kill myself in as graphic a way as possible in front of everyone and sighing well damn and most people fall for my ruse you are too smart for me recovering poorly meth head guy large coffee and uh and ah some hazelnut in there oh god oh god uh me okay what s your name guy it s name omitted because it s be nice and don t out your local meth heads day oh god me kay with the syrup it s 2 35 meth head guy starts having a weird fit in front of my register me well heck i won t charge you for the syrup customer looking like she s just had an enema and a stick thrust up her butt simultaneously brings her cup of co...