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y and walk i check in on family and friends to make sure they are doing ok through this and i write this is the first blog post i have done in over a year a lot has happened in that year and maybe i will write about it at some point i ve been wanting to start again and just kept putting it off i figured now was as good a time as any to start i hope you are all doing well and doing things you enjoy without having to leave your house i ve told you what i m doing so tell me what are you doing everything has it s wonders even darkness and silence and i learn whatever state i may be in therein to be content helen keller view all 14 comments 12 mar 19 missing mom march 12 2019 aging life missing mom moms mothers love hellion it s been 4 years this week since she s been gone my beautiful mother this week marked the 4 year anniversary of my mother s passing and it brought up so many thoughts and memories i didn t even realize i had we like to think we are so different from our mothers but are we my mom has been on my mind a lot lately for a variety of reasons one of which is that i recently came across a letter she wrote to me right after our moving to maryland from pennsylvania and reading it made me cry but it also made me understand some things a little better in the letter she expressed her concern for us being so far away and that she wouldn t get to see me as often and we wouldn t be able to go shopping together like we did when i lived in the same city as her she told me that some day i would know how she felt and that she hoped we would still be as close as we had been before the move now i only moved about an hour and a half away so it wasn t like i moved across the country to california or to new england like my youngest did but she was concerned it would change our lives and our closeness and she wanted me to know she missed me mothers are like glue even when you can t see them they re still holding the family together susan gayle i went up there once a week and we still did our dinners and went shopping we also did every holiday with her and dad they had wonderful get togethers at christmas and picnics on memorial day 4th of july and labor day where the whole family would be at their house to celebrate these celebrations were so important to mom and she made them very special for everyone i really loved spending time with my parents and the rest of the family but sometimes i just didn t feel like going maybe because it was expected that i be there and maybe i just wanted to stay at the beach longer with my friends and not come back early to be at the family gathering and so one year i did just that i stayed at the beach and called to say i wouldn t be getting back for this get together mom was quite upset that i wasn t coming home but i stood my ground i didn t go i had fun at the beach with my friends that tuesday after labor day i got a call at work that my father had a massive coronary and died i have never forgiven myself for not going to the labor day family gathering that year the last one we ever had we all make choices that don t work out or we feel were a mistake at the time and this is one i regret not only that my father died and i missed seeing him one last time but how much i had let my mother down by not coming home our parents are only here for part of our lives some people get to have them longer than others but the point is they won t be here forever so if they ask something of us maybe we should do that thing for them and if you are lucky enough to still have yours spend time with them as often as you can and tell them you love them i also had to call my mother every night at 11pm every night without fail she would call me if i didn t and i would be in big trouble it was just something we did she did it with her mother and we had to do it too i had moved out of our home so i didn t see her anymore on a daily basis and i would be somewhere and think omg it s 11 00 i have to call mom i get it now why she wanted me to call i was 15 3 months shy of 16 and i was a kid she missed me and she wanted to be part of my daily life i didn t get that then it was just another thing i had to do all of these things i had to do and i would do them all now in a heartbeat if i could but i can t i still love to shop and go with my daughters and grand kids but i would give anything to go shopping with mom i do blame her quite frequently for my shopping habits it s all her fault that i buy the things i do at least that is what i tell myself love you and miss you mom talk to you later the heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness honore de balzac view all 12 comments 17 jan 19 what i want this year january 17 2019 aging life my word serenity word of the year hellion my word for this year is serenity calm quiet and serene my word for 2019 is serenity to me it means calm quiet and peaceful and when i googled it it said noun the state of being calm peaceful and serene i need to feel this i need to feel peaceful i have been feeling anxious quite a bit lately and that is so not like me i usually do not dwell on things or let the small things bother me my motto has always been to not worry about things that could happen but now i seem to worry about everything and anything i over think and dwell on the what ifs i have never been that person before so i don t know how to deal with this i was always the person who told others when they would be worried about something when you are 90 and sitting in your rocker on the porch will this even matter i think that is a good barometer for testing whether it is truly something you should worry about or leave it go but evidently i don t listen to myself anymore at least not the self that gives me good advice worrying has never solved one single problem i know that to be a fact my brain knows it my heart knows it so why can t i stop i ve thought about this for quite a while and told myself this isn t you why are you doing this what changed to make you be like this the simple answer and the only one i can come up with my son died if that can happen anything can happen serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm unknown i m not sure if my son s untimely death is totally to blame but it surely plays a part in my new way of looking at life i never expected to lose a child much less to suicide so if this can happen anything can happen bad things can happen any time to anyone that makes me anxious that makes me worry i worry about my daughters i worry about my grandchildren i worry about my friends if i text someone and they dont text back i immediately think something bad has happened to them they must be lying in a ditch by the side of the road somewhere i know this is crazy and i know my family and friends think i m crazy but i cant help it i care i worry my house is a constant source of worry also having been built in 1892 there is always something going wrong something to worry about my son could fix everything and did now i have to find someone to fix things i have over time found people and there have been many good friends that have helped with this but it is still a constant source of worry and one i need to figure out it s easy to find people to fix things i wish i could find someone to fix me serenity is knowing that your worst shot is still pretty good johnny miller so dear family and friends if i annoy you with my questions and worry please forgive me i care about you i don t want to lose you my hope is that 2019 will bring me what i need i walk everyday and have started walking further and faster it brings me a sense of peace and clears my mind maybe i should be like forrest gump and just keep walking walking until i finally find peace of mind and now you know the reasons behind my word of the year i need to feel calm i need to feel peace i need to feel serene don t underestimate the power of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself to deliver peace and serenity charles f glassman view all 10 comments 13 dec 18 i m how old december 13 2018 aging life age is just a number aging turning 70 hellion and how did this happen don t let anyone dull your sparkle this past week i turned 69 yes you heard me 69 next year 2019 will be the big 7 oh i just have to say thank goodness the today show just announced this morning that 70 is the new 40 whew what timing i am so relieved to hear this i think us old people are in much better shape at this age than our ancestors were we exercise and take better care of ourselves i never saw any of my grandparents exercise ever but my longest living grandparent who lived well into his 90 s was always active and in fact the day he passed he was mowing the grass my grands never quite knew my age and last week we were chatting about that while facetiming on my birthday the youngest asked me how old i was and i asked him how old do you think i am he said 54 to which i replied you were always my favorite kid then the 16 year old gets on and says it wasn t till about a year ago till i finally knew how old you really were or how old you weren t he says so how old are you really i asked him why he said it like that and he replies well once i asked you how old you were and you said how old do you think and i answered 50 and you said that s good so i always thought that was right and i replied so what s your point he said i want to know i said 69 to which he replies you sure don t look or act like it i took that as a compliment age is something that doesn t matter unless you are a cheese luis bunuel i really beleive age is just a number and wish we didn t focus so much on that number why are we so caught up in the whole how old are you thing our focus shouldn t be on the number it should be how we feel inside i still feel like that little 12 year old girl who had a dream of being a writer i can still see myself sitting at my fathers desk writing my novel i can feel it like it was yesterday i m not sure what i do now is worthy of being called a writer but i do write i have to be honest and say i haven t been doing a lot of it lately i m not even sure why but i promise i plan to do a lot more of it in the coming year i have been focused on some changes that i want need to make next year and that has taken up so much thought and so much energy i haven t had much left for anything else you know it s funny or maybe sad that i know some people in their 40 s who are old and some in their 80 s who are young i m not sure how that happens or why but i want to be one of the latter so let s not put labels on us older folks let us try to focus on the person inside age is a matter of feeling not of years george william curtis honestly i have to say i have never lied about my age well maybe a few times when i was under 21 and wanted to get in the bar and have a few drinks but that s another story i m proud i made it this long and proud of what i can still do at this age ok there have been a few times lately when my body is saying you can t do that to which i reply just watch me i come from some good stock and good genes i take care of myself walk every day exercise take vitamins and apple cider vinegar every single morning i can also do a 2 minute plank which makes my 2 grandson very proud so here s the deal i am not a number you are not a number let s be the best we can be and not let age define us onto 2019 and the big seven o bring it on cherish all your happy moments they make a fine cushion for old age booth tarkington what are your thoughts do you let your age define you view all 20 comments 21 nov 18 thankfully november 21 2018 aging life thankful thanksgiving things to be thankful for hellion and today i am so very thankful i m thankful for seeing the beauty in nature i haven t been writing very often maybe once or twice a month i just can t come up with anything worth writing i have things in my head and then i think no no one wants to hear this so with tomorrow being thanksgiving i decided to do a post about what i am thankful for right now i am thankful for my family my daughters my grandchildren my nieces and cousins i am blessed to still have some family and i love and treasure every moment i have with them we never know when life will throw us a curve ball and we won t have these people so spend time with them love them and tell them you love them i am thankful for my friends i can t say enough about the wonderful people in my life who i call my friends they are really more like family to me that is how much i care about them they have gotten me through the darkest days of my life and are still by my side i m not sure it is easy to be my friend so believe me when i say these people deserve some kind of award when you rise in the morning give thanks for the light for your life for your strength give thanks for your food and the joy of living if you see no reason to give thanks the fault lies in yourself tecumseh i am thankful for my health i am thankful that i can get up every morning and walk down the stairs i know there are people out there that can not do that and i don t take it lightly that i can i try to stay healthy and exercise i even eat pretty healthy for the most part but if some ice cream happens to find its way into the freezer and i eat it i don t let it make me feel guilty much like what i posted earlier we dont know how long we have on this earth and i don t want to die one morning knowing i deprived myself of ice cream the night before i am thankful for each and every day i wake up i give thanks the first thing every morning that i am blessed to wake up another day i am thankful that for the first time in like 20 years i don t have to work black friday in retail you dont know how thankful i am for this i used to love working that day it was so busy the time passed very quickly and people were nice that is no longer the case most people are in such a hurry and are not very nice to the people that wait on them so to all of you in retail may the gods of black friday be with you strive to find things to be thankful for and just look for the good in who you are bethany hamilton i am thankful for the beauty of nature i love looking at the sky and finding things in the clouds that make me happy my grandchildren love doing this as well and i love that they do sometimes they make fun of me since they are getting older but then one will say hey look that cloud looks like a dinosaur i am thankful for coffee it gets me going and helps me cope the same can be said for wine and ice cream i am thankful for the days when i walk into another room and remember why i walked in there believe me when i say these day are few and far between i am thankful for people who make me laugh laughing out loud until i cry is one of my favorite things and i am grateful for the people who make me do that and finally i am grateful for the people who read my blog and comment and tell me they miss 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