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of front matter table of contents acknowledgements etc shiver read more posted by justin at 3 52 pm 4 comments thursday february 22 2007 my life in the wellington cthulhu cult here s a little gem that i ve been sitting on since my trip home for winter break deep in the underbelly of south central kansas lies a little village named wellington wellington is populated almost entirely with the psychotic religious the morbidly obese the mentally challenged and the vagrant elderly it should be noted that in south central kansas there is a non trivial intersection amongst these groups i got the joy of spending 1 hour in the wellington wal mart waiting for my flat tire to be fixed why don t you take it somewhere else you ask because like many small towns with a wal mart there is nowhere else as a result i got to spend about 45 minutes at ground zero for what my sister affectionately refers to as the mutard invasion after being rescued by my sister we drove around wellington searching for the particular piece of small town americana that is the screamin jesus a little explanation is probably due here having already exhausted their store of respectable recognized churches and i m even including the assemblies of god in this list wellington decided to start making up their own one of these is the joy fellowship church it occupies a rickety multi story house behind an auto repair shack s parking lot i can only assume that the joy fellowship church is devoted to the worship of lovecraftian elder gods given its quaint decoration you see someone has decided to hang a giant painting of jesus on the side of the church it s visible from the highway and it s been painted by someone who s never seen an actual human being without further ado here it is ia ia shub nigurrath the goat with a thousand young there s something very scary about the eyes and mouth of jesus which is not something i thought i would ever have to say in my entire life thank you joy fellowship i don t know if it comes through in the picture but they ve used an incredibly black shade of black for jesus pupils and gaping maw resulting in the distinct feeling that behind his malformed mask jesus is a cackling void of absolute vacuity maybe that s what they were going for it s worth pointing out that the face in the photo is at least 15 feet tall read more posted by justin at 4 13 pm 0 comments sunday august 13 2006 bihkal john s williamsburg practice space i just returned to toronto after spending about a week with john in new york making music said music was produced largely in a dank basement hole in the charming part of new york known as williamsburg in an exciting first for the bihkal series i have photo documentation after finding the building opening the front door descending a frightening set of stairs into a silence of the lambs esque basement we find the following hallway what could be lurking at the top of that wee ladder a linen closet surely dear reader you know better than that let s open the door which you ll note is already slightly ajar and see what lurks behind it s a toilet yes this is the first and i sincerely pray only bathroom i have ever encountered that requires mounting also note the size of the tiny little poop deck approximately 2 5 by 3 feet comfy let s take a closer look the first thing of note is the electric meter thoughtfully installed so that it can be easily monitored from the throne it s tastefully framed by two roughly hewn pieces of plywood next note the sink at the upper left of the picture the sink crowds the toilet leaving two options sit down or perform the acrobatic half in half out maneuver illustrated below by a man who is not john a close examination of the inconvenient sink reveals some unsavory looking bar soaps and a shard of mirror with the reflection of an uncommonly well proportioned young man also note the red safety scissors carefully tucked away behind the power conduit serving the non functional light below is a view of the commode which again illustrates the incredibly cramped quarters we can see some reading material left on the toilet tank what foul literature could lurk in this small cubicle of filth emily post s complete book of wedding etiquette and a filthy toilet paper tube and three napkins which are the only toilet paper esque substance in the entire area i learned this latter fact through an intense personal difficulty that was eventually resolved by means of a bad collection of independent poetry that had been delivered to the building apparently that s what the scissors are for read more posted by justin at 11 10 pm 0 comments friday july 21 2006 you sweaty scenester bastard i ve successfully made the trek to kansas despite minor hangups at the border and a nightmarish experience with a caged incontinent woolly poop machine in my backseat i will post the details later if i m feeling sadistic anyhow my sister took me to a concert tonight ah the joys of the wichita indie scene okay so we saw the band chiodos they re not really my usual style but they rocked pretty damn hard and i had fun my with my sister i seriously hope that i regain my hearing apparently the show was supposed to be an eighteen and over affair at the wonderfully adequate j c s house of rock upon arriving at the house of rock i find 1 this is apparently not an eighteen and over show this is made apparent by the fact that 2 the mean age of the crowd is approximately 16 7 at this point i begin to feel like a cross between a chaperone loser bastard and dirty old man i ve just quit smoking and am dismayed to find that 3 people around the age of 16 7 in wichita think smoking looks really cool i never realized just how irritating clove cigarettes are until i shared the air for three hours with a 16 year old scenester choad who won t man up and buy a pack of marlboros oh yeah and 4 three people were apparently murdered in this club a few years ago when it was a swingin hispanic club with the creative and enigmatic name of club mexico amanda may post some extra grisly stuff later as she has been crawling google with the determination and vigor of a hungry shih tzu at a sunday picnic suffice it to say that they had to change their full name from club mexico where we won t shoot and dismember you to the more austere club mexico this set the tone for the evening in fact the opening band even invoked the spirits of the slain men in a desperate ploy to appear edgy even relevant it s me my sister and 300 16 year old indie kids and there s no bar in sight as i watched the bands i spied such interesting folk as guy in a camo t shirt tight girl s jeans white belt and giant white sweatband parading around with an inflatable sword lest we mistake him for someone normal and girl with shag haircut and contemporary t shirt 327 i was educated in the ways of hardcore dancing by about 10 under 18 punks in varying stages of undress and got to watch most chiodos from behind a large man in a sweaty system of a down t shirt that smelled like a giant bag of anuses fun oh and then there was the dancer whose pants were slowly heading south as he gyrated arrhythmically to the rhythmic sounds of chiodos revealing his blue bvds it was all that i could do to keep from grabbing the waistband of this scrawny little scenester bastard s undergarment and giving him the wedgie to end all wedgies refusing to let go until the waistband broke tugging with the might of some mythical wedgie beast part crocodile part hippopotamus part lion 100 percent ass rending terror seriously my sister had to hold me back despite my grumpy grumblings i did have fun with my sister and chiodos were pretty cool if a little loud for my aging ears sorry about the wedgie beast i had to go to the dentist and all they had to read besides marie claire and highlights was an aging national geographic about the egyptian afterlife one man s souleater is another s wedgie beast also i found the bar as we were leaving it looked nice read more posted by justin at 1 59 am 3 comments wednesday june 14 2006 fu queues already this week i have spent an inordinate amount of time standing in line thus today s post will provide an introduction to a new and fascinating canadian professional sport waiting the prototypical canadian waiting team features 2 members amy and myself i have also had success in singles waiting which involves a slightly higher level of strategy frustration essentially the waiting game is played as follows the defending team faces any number of attackers their goal keep the attackers waiting for as long as possible a great example of defense strategy is the mcdonald s lobby trap in this system the defenders lurk as far away from the one open register as possible this location is kept secret so the attackers have no idea which register to queue up in front of the attackers counter by staying toward the back of the lobby which allows the defenders to continue with a strong lurking game if an attacker breaks through this defense successfully placing an order the defenders change their play style from lurking to brownian motion they move around in a random fashion bouncing off of fry stations and burger bins throughout it is important that the attackers can see their food waiting to be picked up and placed on their brown plastic tray under no circumstances however should the defenders make a direct effort to this effect rather they should continue to oscillate aimlessly around the kitchen area half heartedly picking up meal components only when their motion brings them suitably close to them allow me to give you a play by play account of one of my recent matches defender mcdonald s attackers justin and amy vs mathematically challenged adolescent without sufficient money vs belligerent man who doesn t want lettuce on his big mac play by play justin and amy arrive at mcdonald s slightly ahead of belligerent man it would seem that they have the advantage but mcdonald s is running a strong lurking strategy as they are waiting for an open register idiot adolescent comes out of nowhere and sidles smoothly to the front of the queue by now belligerent man has arrived and asks if justin and amy are in line or what justin and amy affirm that they are indeed in line while mathematically challenged adolescent begins his order mathematically challenged adolescent mca how much for a big mac and a large coke mcdonald s employee me 15 seconds pass me begins slowly pushing buttons 5 87 mca looks at the 5 bill in his hands then hands it to employee me that s not enough mca how much for a small coke it is important to note that mca does not suffer from any recognized mental handicap he s just a little dumb at this point belligerent man comes into action belligerent man bm belligerently oh for cryin oot loud justin and amy ja look disgustedly at idiot adolescent then back at belligerent man me begins slowly pushing buttons mca fingers 5 bill slowly with grubby hands me 5 67 mca hands 5 bill to employee me that s still not enough bm looks like you re drinking water today kid mca how much for a cheeseburger and small coke me begins slowly pushing buttons 4 12 mathematically challenged adolescent hands the grubby bill to me and takes first place it s now a race between justin and amy and belligerent man suddenly a new register opens mcdonald s employee 2 me2 i can help you over here ja okay we d like a number 4 with a me2 walks suddenly to fryer bm moving to register operated by me okay i d like a number one with a coke me begins slowly pushing buttons the combo bm yes me what do you want to drink with that bm a coke me okay is that it bm no lettuce on the big mac me no lettuce bm only mustard and onions me okay bm actually i ll take me a second big mac me okay bm no lettuce at this point mcdonald s employee 2 arrives and takes justin and amy s order it s now a race luckily mcdonald s employee 2 s random motion carries her to the burger bin before the other employees can finish taking turns spitting on belligerent man s big mac and they eke out a second place finish another exciting match in the exciting world of canadian waiting read more posted by justin at 3 34 pm 0 comments tuesday june 06 2006 obligatory post of the beast tis now the very witching time of night when churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out contagion to this world now could i drink hot blood and do such bitter business as the day would quake to look on hamlet iii 2 what the hell no sympathy for the devil me in honor of the questionably ominous date every site i frequent has apparently decided to publish some kind of infernal list particularly infernal is allmusic s the devil s playlist i ll admit that the best strategy when reading anything concocted by allmusic s editorial staff involves a large grain of low expectation flavored salt all the same this list is rather atrocious allow me to enumerate its failings in a smug fashion allmusic s typical obscurist holier than thou mutual admiration fest for instance note that bauhaus was not fringe enough for this list no they had to choose a track from peter murphy bauhaus lead vocalist s solo career to be fair they make the track sound mighty good no nick cave come on you ve got to be kidding me okay if nick cave wasn t obscure enough they could always have chosen anything the birthday party ever wrote interestingly enough they even have to invoke red right hand in order to describe a more obscure track that was chosen in its place in order to placate the insidious hipster contingent at this point i must point out that both of the choices mentioned above seem very apt and it may just be that my taste in music is too pedestrian for the amg staff even in the throws of obscurism however they seemed to find space for such staples as black sabbath slayer honestly and even the eagles hotel california and you must be thinking the incredibly obvious sympathy for the devil by the rolling stones nope not even mentioned not even mentioned damn you amg editorial staff also absent from the list electric six hey tenacious d made the cut thanks to ms cammila look at me i m being irreverent so as to point out how silly it is that a critic of my acumen must stoop to choosing songs for this list albertson speaking of cammila albertson let s look at this dumb bunny s other choice u2 s daddy s gonna pay for your crashed car um i m pretty sure that song has nothing whatsoever to do with the devil great i can only assume that the stones were bumped for this questionable choice i can t take it anymore what s the deal with u2 anyway i m sorry maybe it s just because the first u2 album to come out after the point at which i became seriously interested in music was pop but i just don t get it yeah u2 s good but there s always some jackass at the party that seems to think u2 are revolutionary good yes catchy yes well crafted yes great occasionally revolutionary no they write good rock pop songs including the occasional exceptio...