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Text of the page (random words):
planning the reservations the itinerary everything our fortieth anniversary is this month and so this was our celebration of forty years of marriage forty years that is a lifetime sadly out of those forty years will has been faithful to me for only four he has been present and sincerely trying to be married for about the last three of those years forgive me if i am sound skeptical about full recovery but history on balance the odds are not great given his past behavior and my past ignorance however that being said we have now what we have never had hope when one is stuck in such an insidious destructive addiction there is literally no hope in sight the addict feels that he will forever be broken and out of control when the spouse becomes aware of the betrayal resulting from that addiction hopelessness is prevalent and anger hurt and despair are the emotions which rule our lives the overwhelming feeling of being shattered is constant hope is an illusion and seems forever gone then something happens it does not happen suddenly or even at a reasonable pace it happens s l o w l y painfully heart breakingly slow hope begins to infiltrate one s conscience sometimes at odd times or in odd ways sometimes most times stealthily catching one unaware or unready this happened to me in hawaii during a visit to the polynesian cultural center there was a tahitian village wedding vow renewal ceremony that visitors take part in the vow was not an i do it instead asks the question will i ever leave my spouse to which one answers no i will not as will and i took part in this vow with the rest of the crowd we looked at each other and said these words in answer to the question posed at that moment hope jumped in will was sincere and actually had tears in his eyes when he replied i felt his honesty and with that felt a great hope that i hadn t really felt before i knew at that moment that there was a future for us and our marriage i don t believe that i have known that with any certainty before it was good so good we had an amazing trip together i had few triggers and those i managed with little effort we spent every minute together eating swimming shopping exploring it was so good for us i put my wedding ring back on for the first time since d day i never thought i would wear it again i looked at it as something shamed and broken a symbol of betrayal and pain it s matching partner worn on will s ring finger had been taken off so many times to assuage his guilt while acting out that it was rendered meaningless to him and to me but he has worn it faithfully since d day and has the tan line to attest to its constancy and that is where hope again comes in consistent honest effort breeds hope hard work towards meaningful lasting recovery breeds hope acts of selflessness and caring breeds hope sincere repentance and forgiveness breeds hope these are the things that never were but are now present in our lives together it is no secret that aloha means hello goodbye gratitude good luck and a multitude of other interpretations in the hawaiian language the overwhelming meaning though is described by natives as love love for a person or a place or an idea but mostly a love of life with hope comes aloha a deep love of life an appreciation for all that is good and beautiful and wonderful in our world and in our lives although there have been so few good years out of the forty we have spent together i can say now with a great deal of hope that we are now learning to enjoy these aloha years we are blessed leigh ️ share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading author leighkay54 categories forgiveness growth happiness healing learning recovery sex addiction posted on june 13 2019 5 comments oh please i cannot do this all over again just caught will in a lie about traffic court he got a speeding ticket weeks ago and did not tell me i saw his laptop with a reminder that he has a date at the courthouse tomorrow news to me if he omitted to tell me about that what else is he hiding he is sleeping downstairs tonight and i am a mess does it ever end share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading author leighkay54 categories sex addiction posted on september 3 2024 6 comments old hurts still hurts it s late but i m awake and i have thoughts whether you read this or not these thoughts are burning i wonder why some people see us as we really are and absolutely despise us others see us as we really are and embrace us i am at a disadvantage because i am sure i have never understood how to be anyone but well me so my question is this if i am growing but hopefully always evolving maturing and trying so hard to be even more compassionate and empathetic and loving as a human being why is hate and bullying and cruelty still being thrown my way why do mean girls still feel the need to be mean old wash ups into their sixties why when you are the age we are does one feel the need to lie distort or bury the past for me i have a crystal clarity about who i was who i intended to be and who i am now and will be into eternity the need to be snarky nasty vitriolic and yes even abusive is evidence of one s inability to grow even a modicum beyond their teenage years and i find that to be a tragic waste of a potentially valuable contribution to society and so very sad ️ 4 share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading author leighkay54 categories sex addiction posted on february 7 2024 leave a comment lost every now and then i feel completely discombobulated wandering unable to orient to my circumstances i wonder if the effects of cptsd manifest in this totally lost and disconnected feeling just putting this out there because i really don t have anyone to ask anyone share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading author leighkay54 categories sex addiction posted on november 13 2023 4 comments life is a series of triggers my oldest daughter called tonight in tears and i think quite drunk her husband left her about 18 months ago for a much older woman with whom he had been having an affair yep here we go again same story different characters well my former son in law was quickly dumped by the home wrecker after the divorce was final and apparently devastated by this he moved out of state leaving my daughter with a garage full of crap a home needing some major maintenance and three kids who don t know what the hell just happened plus my girl is a recovering alcoholic who loved this man and needed him in her life she is angry and heartbroken and lonely and exhausted and her calls are so very very triggering she screams and unloads and rants and cusses and i am so ill equipped to deal with the pain and rage i have listened to the very same words and felt the very same emotion when being a sponsor for other betrayed spouses and i am able to provide comfort and lessons from my own experience but this this is different when it is so close when it involves my daughter and my grandkids i am useless i am triggered i am angry i am profoundly sad i am entirely unable to help and i feel like such a failure i am struggling and need advice from anyone who has been through something similar i am lost thank you leigh ️ share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading author leighkay54 categories family sex addiction triggers posted on september 12 2022 2 comments seven is the seven year itch the same in recovery as it is in a normal marriage i wonder because it has been seven years since d day may 17 and i feel restless i m not sure what the feeling is really i still love will and i love the life we have made but i find myself wondering with ever increasing frequency what if what if i would have chosen differently what if i would have gone back to the corporate world and made a different life for myself and only myself what if i would have looked elsewhere for the love without the ugly history of betrayal what if there was something more beautiful beyond the pain i don t feel regret exactly but i do still feel envy for some of my friends who have been married for decades and have never felt the gut wrenching devastation of betrayal i feel jealous of the women who can look at their husbands and know that they are their one and only those who don t know the feeling of being not enough those who feel so very loved after seven years countless ptsd episodes innumerable rescues from the brink thousands in therapy dollars hours of spiritual counseling precious family time and healing couple time why am i not more secure why am i not more confident why do i still have doubts about will s fidelity am i irrevocably broken incapable of trust i don t like to coast through life i am not a go along to get along kind of person but i feel like maybe that is what i have been doing i don t like it not one bit friends i need your wisdom your advice your always reliable words of assurance it s entirely possible that i am just stuck in an ungrateful rut that i can t seem to pull myself out of i could use helpful suggestions for that too just sayin leigh ️ share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading author leighkay54 categories sex addiction posted on june 1 2022 4 comments all in the family it s a psychologically proven fact that addiction and other mental or emotional maladies run in families will is practical proof of that his biological father is a sexist manipulative narcissist and exposed will to his first pornographic experience will believes the man is a sex addict his grandfather was an alcoholic and was known to have women on the side beyond that older generations is only speculative however moving to the generation with which we have graced the world our son had problems with porn which will blamed his own relapse on we have one daughter who deals with food addiction and our oldest which is the point of this post is an alcoholic so yeah we are that dysfunctional in the last two years or so our oldest daughter has made several late night calls to us in tears because her second husband the first is a drug addict with whom none of us have contact and our eldest grandchild were fighting and it was getting out of control these things usually ended a couple of ways we would drive 40 minutes to get either the grandchild the husband or the two younger kids to get them out of the situation and then drive 40 minutes home and they would spend the night with us alcohol was always involved or we would be able to calm things down after a couple of hours on the phone to everyone involved and they would finally get tired and go to bed the calls the fighting the out of controlness became too much my granddaughter moved out to places unknown my oldest grandson 15 at the time started smoking pot the younger grandson started having major issues at school and my daughters husband filed for divorce after what seemed an eternity we found the root cause was my daughters non stop drinking she is a therapist and specializes in children and play therapy she got a second dui came close to losing her license to practice and became alienated from my oldest granddaughter even more my granddaughter then got a dui after totaling her car and has now had her license suspended yeah all of the sudden after so much work and healing for will and i we were dealing with yet another onslaught of trauma drama and heartbreak not gonna lie it was all so triggering for me so that was several months ago and brings me to now my daughter is divorced and not handling it well at all she continues to drink comes to family dinners drunk denies it gets angry and drives off with my two grandsons we rarely see our granddaughter because she too has substance abuse problems and cannot be bothered to seek help my oldest grandson is drifting into pot land and doesn t spend time at home or with us much the little guy who is only eight spends time between his mom and dad and has behavioral and anger issues my daughter got obliterated a few weeks ago she called and was going on and on rambling and using every obscenity she could think of regarding a family website and someone with whom she perceived was rude she could barely form a cogent thought she then called this other family member and was verbally abusive she then went to a neighbors home had a few more drinks from what we can tell flirted with said neighbor consented to kiss him and then was raped she called her sister at 5 00 am in tears and said she had reported it she called me at 6 00 and said the same thing she called her now ex husband and he was less than sympathetic this set her off and she sent scathing texts to all of us she was clearly still drunk she was profane and verbally abusive not one of us responded after a couple of days she called me and her sister neither of us had the will or courage to pick up she is now in victim mode she texted us claiming that she would not entertain any shame or blame and that we had failed as women in not reaching out to her and supporting her i replied to tell her that she needed serious help before she destroyed herself her kids and this whole family she believes that me will her sister and entire family are blaming her for getting raped no we are just wanting her to heal we are desperate for her to get some control over her life none of us has the heart to stage an intervention i have learned how to let go of so much but this this is breaking me share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading author leighkay54 categories addiction divorce family sex addiction trauma triggers posted on november 16 2021 4 comments losing my religion hello to those of you who still check in this is random and sort of abrupt but i have a question does anyone feel like god has gone silent in their lives i mean he got me through the worst of the trauma he was there when i had nobody else he let me know that life was worth living with or without will he was and is my saviour and my redeemer but where has he gone i feel lonely i feel bereft i feel as though he doesn t know how much i need him my prayers feel empty i feel like i am losing my connection to god and i don t know what to do i pray i read my scripture i go to church but i am somehow lacking help leigh ️ share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading author leighkay54 categories sex addiction posted on june 28 2021 13 comments what true recovery looks like i have thought a lot about this blog in the last few months i don t know that i have much more to contribute i loved loved loved writing when i felt as though i was healing and possibly helping others on this life changing imposs...