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energy she has a serious case of the mommies which i find incredibly appropriate for the trouble that proceeded her she loves her time to eat its not only her meal but her most favorite hobby if that s possible i pinch myself everyday the feeling that i keep having is that this is the crazy i have hoped for my whole life i never could have dreamed our life would be so full there is something so profound in my everyday since this baby has been with us it s a reverence and deeper love and gratitude for a creator s plan that i haven t felt before maybe it s age and maybe it s growth but its peaceful and its happy and it s ours posted by i m h mac at 8 17 am 9 comments thursday july 2 2015 above there is a childhood experience that is still so vivid in my memory and as school gets out every year i always think about it with fondness when my family moved to north ogden 28 years ago my parents felt incredibly guided and directed to be there the lot that they bought the builders they chose to build our home everything about it was all orchestrated it was solidified when we met our neighbors all of them we were surrounded by the best it was especially exciting to us when the su a family moved in or maybe they were there before us i don t remember childhood blurs the lines but i do remember that once our families met the deal was sealed it was a bosom buddy situation my mom found one of her dearest friends and i recall many many afternoons spent on their back patio with women gathered they would talk laugh relate and bond the time our families spent together has proved to be a life long bond they are family i have one very distinct memory one that i mentioned i think of often and recently i was able to recall it and connect it to a current ongoing in our family one summer afternoon both mothers thought we should go up over the mountain and have a picnic in the wilderness my mother knows how to do it right we spent endless days over the mountain just a few minutes away from our house as kids on this particular day we took a picnic up to north fork and introduced the su a family to our tromping grounds if memory serves me right it was their first time up there we went to our favorite site it boasted a lazy river with a large tree which was a perfect place to entertain 8 kids 4 of the aforementioned kids counted doubled multiplied because their names were mikey manti vaughn and devin these boys were the epitome of what and how boys should be the stories that have been revealed thru the years of their misdeeds together have caused my mother to be grateful at night when she prays grateful they all survived so you can imagine the setting of wilderness water and wild boys we had the perfect afternoon the sun was brilliant and we were under a canopy of leaves we discovered a long large rope tied to the massive tree overlooking the river soon we were jumping into the water via this rope over and over again and again there was yelling screaming and misbehavior from everyone except probably jamie she was always angelic but the rest of us tested our mothers limits and surely made them crazy my brother cameron caught a fish barehanded threw it on jenilyn repeatedly and understandably that put her into tears fits horror that i am sure caused permanent damage vaughn mikey manti and devin found sticks always sticks keep in mind they were all under 6 at this time and it was always about the sticks for every adventure the best one the longest one the one that was most smooth i don t remember where i fit in to the scene most likely at my mother s side i have always always enjoyed conversation is there such thing as a hobby conversationalist is that real because it s me and it s my mother even when conversations were above my head and over my level i appreciate her never shooing me and always letting me discover observe the art of conversing as the afternoon wore on and the activities shifted the boys decided to explore a different part of the river across the road a different path the river flowed my mother never had the luxury of trusting her boys alone never and if she did it was always met with stark consequences this time was no exception i don t know the amount of time that had passed but knowing these boys not long soon we heard mothers screaming all of their names and we knew it required everyone s attention the river they decided to explore started shallow it started innocent it was accessible by road on both sides with shallow bush but soon it was beyond the road the trees were impossible to navigate and those boys were lost the further their river adventure took them the deeper the water they knew they were in trouble long before they could hear their names they were trying to come up back get out with it being so thick and deep it became a feat that required effort the details after this become fuzzy to me probably as all of these episodes with my brothers do i think i always felt their lives were in the balance every single time and i tend to block some things out due to the trauma they did this to my mom more than they should have but i do know that they were found and possibly spanked deserved to be spanked their adventurous plan back fired the memory of my mom and pam standing at the dense bush yelling for them is vivid for me to this day i felt their desperation even as a 9 year old little boys floating down an increasingly rapid river with no road or path to reach them we have found ourselves in a situation as parents lately that triggered this memory to affect me in a different light as i was checking into the counseling office the thought hit me that there should be as many mental health clinics as there are physical health clinics while it would seem charmed to declare all parents are equipped to deal with every situation that comes across the paths of their kids it would be incredibly foolish to accept that truth as reality i would never let my child suffer endlessly from strep throat if i did it would escalate into a dire circumstance if my child had a physical deficiency i would quickly seek help to remedy or ease the situation i wonder why we aren t as quick to accept our defeat when we are in over our heads with mental health situations all it entails is finding a different kind of help the kind that helps ease our burdens as parents and gives us tools to help our kids we work tirelessly as parents to teach our kids manners how to be independent how to succeed at school but where are our efforts going to help our kids to be mentally healthy and to be aware of their mental health this past year i found myself looking into a shallow part of a river watching the enjoyment of normal activities and then suddenly i seem to have lost one of my kids without my realization they are going down a river that gets deeper and more swift it s hard for me to understand because i am not where they are i can t see the part of the river they are in but it s deep i know they need help but i can t see them i have never been down this part of the river and i don t know how to get them out and the thing is i can try to pray away all the troubles i want to but at the end of the day i have to accept that i don t have what it takes to get to them i don t have a road to access where they are i don t have hedge trimmers big enough to clear the bushes and so i have discovered that if i want to help them i have to find the people who have the know how to empower my child with the proper tools there is this part when you can t see where your child is heading that makes you feel loads heaps vast quantities of guilt if i would have if only i could have taken this sign back then did i not do so and so well enough did they always feel loved all of these things taunt my thoughts mercilessly and if we throw in the fact that i have been entirely out of commission from september to may 13 it doesn t ease my guilt in fact it significantly increases it but a break comes in the form of a health provider taking control of the situation and really easing our burden giving us direction and how to and making such a concerted effort to get us help and then we realize the depth of what we are facing and our prayers are constant they are earnest and a level of love and understanding opens i see that river and i am desperately chasing thick trees deep water and cries for help from the river s victim and this image hits me if only i could elevate myself above it all if only i could somehow get high enough above the river above the trees to give me a point of reference and suddenly i realize i can t but the power of a creator in his universe can and the depth of the power washes over me its a deeper understanding it seems has been on my heart lately the power of a mighty god it seems all of my reading and thoughts for some time have pointed to this and to the nothingness of me without it the furious ways we try to constantly do for ourselves are purely in vain when we embark on any endeavor on this earth and try to do it ourselves we will come up deficient all things point to christ and to an all powerful god be still and we will know that he is to be still and to have the creations surrounding us testify is power that is beyond any love i have been able to give in this life it seems to me that this power and love are intricately tied together and that maybe in this life love is secondary to this power one of my favorite reads is by george ritchie he was pronounced clinically dead for 9 minutes the story is fascinating return from tomorrow is the books name as he chronicles his journey of being dead and the thoughts he goes thru without a physical body he details the power of jesus christ it hit me that his description is that the love he feels is almost without emotion but with power it isn t anything he has to question its a fact he talks about seeing people in the afterlife riddled with earthly addictions that heaven can t empower tortured spirits desiring physical bodies to support earthly addiction and yet jesus christ surrounds them they fail to look up they don t open their heart to the light and love that is above them when the author pens his feelings about this love he describes it as a power that is beyond anything earthly when i take that account into thought and give it application to my circumstance i feel this deep need for repentance this deep need to forsake my instinct to do things on my own to eliminate any circumstance that i wouldn t call on what is above me as the book of mormon phrase i love states i would give away all my sins to know thee it reminds me of the importance of forsaking that sinful need to do it on our own i read that phrase years and years ago and was so touched by the power of it daily i have taken to asking myself what sins am i hanging on to today that have kept me from knowing him the discovery of every facet of the sinfulness of man has really brought me to know and have abiding testimony of the power of what s above us and the sins we hang onto that prevent that power to aid us as always i am ever grateful for the opportunities that surround me that give me new understanding and allow me to love and be loved posted by i m h mac at 11 02 am 2 comments friday april 24 2015 in the quiet my favorite indulgence besides partaking in something that goes into my mouth is being able to expand my mind thru books conversation or an outdoor setting the last 9 months i have chosen to survive that doesn t mean how i have done things is right or recommended but its how i chose to do it if i thought too much about what my day to day entailed i would fall off the bandwagon if i tried to plan anything i would only be severely disappointed by what my body was no longer capable of without severe consequence if i put my faith in someone to finally let down and share my struggles i would usually get my feelings hurt by their responses so i whittled my circles my routine my life whittled it down to what i could manage until this baby came around christmas i had a few awesome weeks only a few migraines i was able to eat normally without hives or extreme gastric distress the nausea and vertigo seemed to leave slowly we enjoyed christmas activities and i was able to cross things off my list i was able to be excited about holding a baby and even thought about finding out the gender then it went sour again amniotic fluid started to push at my insides like a balloon pushing full blast at my organs constantly by 24 weeks i had a super scary incident that left me contracting for a 7 hour stretch that i could not stop i am the queen at getting contractions to stop my abdominal muscles were not stretching the way my body needed and there were about 2 chairs i could sit in without being brought to tears my si joints in my back were so inflamed i limped hobbled everywhere i would go and then this strange pain started in my upper back i waited too long to talk about it thinking it was just another thing and then we found out that some reflux turned into an ulcer that started bleeding que anemia and by 31 weeks i was at the bottom of a slippery slope i would contract at the word move despite my arsenal of tricks all i could do was to pray that my body could adjust and here i sit at the cusp of 37 weeks still here the hard things have let up the ulcer is under control a few adjustments from a chiropractor despite scott s apprehension have made a huge difference my blood count is getting to where it needs to be to deliver a baby and while the contractions aren t much better i will take any ease i can get and suddenly the dr tells me we need to make our plan here are your limitations too much fluid the baby s head just won t stay down much less engage in the birth canal it s made your uterus a pancake shape yes contractions feel like those chubby orange wizard of oz midgets hanging all over my middle swinging inside and out i tell him contracting with a transverse baby is torturous so he gives me some time some time to consider what will be the best route that i am comfortable with he also tells me not to worry that s his job and for the fourth time it looks like a c section is on the table and i hope for the fourth time i will be able to avoid it and so i have been quiet and prayerful the other day i was able to cross some things off my list whenever i have a good day i go thru and prioritize with exactness what is most important if i clean a certain area that has been bothering me i have to automatically take myself out of the game if something else the kids need me for comes up so most good days i focus on making the house feel semi uncluttered making the kids meals and telling scott what i wish i could have accomplished and like a super hero he makes it happen always he also says he has arranged a vasectomy for the day i deliver because he will never watch me go thru this again i can gather all the kids i want thru other means he says but i will never be ...