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Text of the page (random words):
latonism is an inherent contradiction use polemic a lot in fact make up words stemming from it like polemicize e g i once heard professor kierans use the word polemicize i looked it up in the dictionary it doesn t exist use as many philosophical synonyms as you can to make it seem like you re referencing various authors whom you ve encountered previously this will show your knowledge of past ideas bumping that a up to a request for you to lecture at your university next year e g heidegger is concerned with the a priori rational invisible metaphysical unseen realm of principles realm of god kingdom of principles unconscious realm hypothetical realm heaven infinity infinitude ad infinitum ad nauseum pleasegodletmebeover1000 words realm of ideas the theoretical the dialectical the good the nous nothingness pure anxiety the sublime the void the abyss my basement apartment if you hate this blame mr egg since he wrote it at 1 03 pm 10 comments labels a kantian critique of reason is worth two in the bush essay philosophy polemicization 28 6 09 how to stay awake at the symphony n othing irks me more than witnessing a wasted ticket at the symphony to o often do i spot lazy husbands heads bobbing up and down as they fight the urge to fall asleep only to afterwards claim that their eyes were closed to more fully appreciate the music i pity the poor soul whose heart does not go aflutter when in the same room as dozens of elderly penguin suited men and overly made up women sitting down for two hours in a heated room with the lights dimmed to me there is no better value one can attain from a 150 ticket and excuse to wear victorian tails outside of my bedroom my wife protests but i ve learned to drown her out by humming mahler s symphony no 3 in d minor all the way out the door to the unfortunate spouses of more devoted classical aficionados it is to you whom i offer this list of tricks and ideas to help you stay awake when in the presence of the majestic strings woodwind and brass with luck perhaps next time your snoring won t be mistaken for the roaring timpani drum during the climax of in the hall of the mountain king pinch yourself every time a new concerto begins pinch yourself every time your head falls down unwillingly pinch yourself every time the conductor looks like he just had an orgasm join in the concert by air playing along with whatever instrument you play at home if you are the sort of soulless heathen who does not engage in the creation of aural beauty then air guitar hero along pinch yourself every time you think the concerto has ended but really it s only just begun predict the conductor s next move for instance i once saw vivaldi s autumn allegro performed entirely out of karate chops and touchdown arm motions another time i bore witness to bach s passacaglia and fugue in c minor orchestrated exclusively with a pinky toe give a standing ovation to every concerto regardless of its quality if in europe you probably won t be alone in this mentally place the conductor in a dance club transforming his maestro moves into dance moves then have your mental dj play touchdown by t i feat eminem just for kicks during intermission find the other men who are falling asleep even while waiting in line for a scotch and swap tips on wakefulness don t order a scotch return from intermission see if you can switch seats you may not think there s very much to look at but from different angles you can see how various players look like long gone celebrities from the 1980s such as george michael or the drummer from styx divide the orchestra into jets and sharks and play out who would win note that the brass horns and the percussionists really shouldn t be on the same team as they would totally kick the string sections asses try to place what song is featured in what really long dramatic film hint the answer will almost always be the curious case of benjamin button if you hate this blame mr egg since he wrote it at 10 43 pm 3 comments labels classical music stay awake symphony the drummer from styx 25 6 09 thus spoke zara s thruster a s i walk down the street in the potato sack i call a shirt and my mother calls a disgrace i cannot help but beam with self confidence and a genuine zeal for life boasting the knowledge that i don t care what my mother thinks anymore i used to be what they call a fashionista hot on haute couture sharp on all that was chic but after a full year of devoted subscriptions to esquire and gq i had something of a nervous breakdown tearing up all of my shirts eating my ties and throwing my tied together shoes over the telephone lines of slum neighbourhoods now as i walk down lower jarvis in my unsightly but undeniably comfortable torso sack and plastic bags tied around my ankles with rubber bands i can t help but grin as passersby yell at me to get a job to start at the beginning in the autumn of my 19th year to celebrate my finally hitting puberty i decided to get a job i quickly scored an interview at a nearby zara clothing outlet during the interview the manager asked if i would be willing to spend a minimum of 500 on a new wardrobe as the checkered pants i was wearing would be unsuitable for the workplace though he liked the cut of my jib i agreed ignoring his obscure and presumably jewish expression and he hired me on the spot and so i began dressing better i held a bonfire in my backyard for my old faux argyle pocket tees from old navy and the next day began jaunting in gentle woven shirts and sauntering in dark wash boot cut jeans all of a sudden my life started to improve girls began sweating near me in a good way for a change and my mother stopped threatening to disown me my life started to improve girls began sweating near me in a good way for a change and my mother stopped threatening to disown me so this is self esteem i exclaimed to the first dressing room mirror to see me in my new skin my first day of work was a dream i loped in with proud epaulettes on my shoulders and a bourgeois spirit in my heart i helped lost souls find fitting shirts and blouses and as they walked out of the store dejectedly looking at their receipts i seriously felt i was doing some good i continued like this for a number of weeks before i first noticed the man howling into a megaphone on an upturned milk crate outside the store standing in a plaid collared shirt with cheap chinos and sandals he was shouting things at passersby on the street like an unfashionable harvey milk if one could consider milk fashionable to begin with he began by shouting catchy slogans like the fashion god is dead stop the fascist fashionistas and zara s clothes always struck me as inconveniently overpriced and sometimes kind of silly looking as it happens i would read a few days later in the globe the man was rallying against zara because he felt he had been unjustly fired from the company after citing nihilism as a medical condition justifying his three months of sick leave they decided to let him go and he threatened to sue but eventually just gave up saying but what s the point anyway thus he began protesting zara s unfair policies and overpriced jeans which is right around when i started needing to dodge tomatoes to get to work every morning i have a dream the man exclaimed that we can live in a society where a man is judged not by the colour of his socks but by the integrity of his seams i have a dream the man exclaimed that we can live in a society where a man is judged not by the colour of his socks but by the integrity of his seams a hearty cheer rose up from the crowd and he continued i have a dream that one day on the red hills of georgia the sons of former retail workers and the sons of former customers will be able to shop together at the mall of brotherhood and for once the customers will not feel like they re always being judged by the salespeople just for wearing polo shirts from sears cheers again rose from the crowd except from one african american man who just looked very confused i have a dream that one day even the state of mississippi a state sweltering with the heat of injustice sweltering with the heat of oppression will be transformed into an oasis of posh and flair i have a dream today i stood in awe of this man s dignity in spite of his sandals and real not artificially intentional bedhead how could he stand up against the fashion gods looking like that i dodged the usual fruit storm to get in through the front door but my manager told me the bad news that they were closing the branch until all this blew over he then walked outside dejected and got hit in the face with a watermelon this fight is bigger than both of our pants put together nobody is closer to you than your clothes i re emerged from the store to find the crowd dissipating and decided to engage the urban rebel about his philosophy his name was tobias stoddard and he told me words that i usually forget but currently remember my friend this fight is bigger than both of our pants put together nobody is closer to you than your clothes until you respect your clothes as you respect yourself you will be cursed with the disregard you show them every day confused i asked did you just lay a curse on me but with that he vaporized a cloud of pinkish dust remaining in his place i contemplated his words was it true that i did not respect my clothes was i lacking a personal relationship between fabric and man that ought to exist between every soul and its coverings his words echoed through my head for the better part of the following five minutes after which i promptly went home and wet from a panic stricken sweat collapsed unconscious lying parallel to my floor atop a large rectangular box as i do every night the following morning i awoke with confused anxiety and decided to immediately get dressed i opened my closet and threw on my usual work clothes black pants a striped shirt and a skinny black tie but they felt tighter than usual i heard a distinct snicker choke out from my trousers all of a sudden my shirt started to undo itself i tried to get it off but my tie had me by the throat my other clothes began tormenting me too my belt tightened around my gut t shirts were flying off the shelves and i heard a some very snide racial slurs coming from a particularly stiff pea coat i began to feel so self conscious and neurotic that i tore my clothes off like an ancient israelite in mourning screamed and ran out of my house i never did see tobias again nor did i ever return to work the entire experience left me jaded and put off of fashion forever and so i reflect tobias taught me a valuable lesson that day that no matter who you re trying to impress you should always wear a potato sack partly because it s easier partly to avoid pea coats making anti semitic remarks when you re not looking if you hate this blame mr egg since he wrote it at 11 44 pm 3 comments labels fashion god is dead racist pea coats self esteem zara 21 6 09 love at first bite i first saw her in the produce aisle during the 24th hour of the 24 hour sobeys i recall being unable to move breathe or register that the woman behind me was asking to get to the broccoli her beauty was unmatchable she was that special kind of sexy that could make asexuals horny as rabbits she sported freshly shaven uggs and a delicate merino wool sweater the kind that made me envious of the lucky sheep whose hair wound up hugging her bosom all day her hair was a golden blonde that could force dandelions into retirement her pupils loomed out of the greenness of her irises as a puma would in a baseball field how the puma got onto the green nobody knows i spent several intent minutes admiring her from the bulk nuts contemplating my approach in contrast with her miniature monolithic beauty i stood with the sexual prowess of a young woody allen every part of my body was intimidated as much as it was intrigued my toes were scared to meet her toes my ankles no match for hers my eyebrows seemed like nothing by comparison and not just because of my alopecia what would i say i m bad with words specifically speaking them i pictured myself walking up to her casually my unworthy fingers daring to tap her the slender blade of her shoulder which alone bested all parts of my body she d turn taken aback as to why a man who bore such a striking resemblance to quasimodo would bother approaching her at all but before she d have a chance to register my numerous imperfections i d act hastily in her confusion like a gazelle in a thunderstorm and whisper sweet nothings in her ear such as i ve got sweet nothing what would i say i m bad with words specifically speaking them she d see through my guise and instinctively beat me up or worse roll her eyes and walk away what about eye contact i could leer at her from the coffee aisle gesturing my finger in a come hither fashion after she s hypnotically drawn towards me i would use the coffee as a perfect segue for our first date how s about you and i pour coffee over each other s naked bodies i contemplated circumventing the kosher section to wind up with the condiments where i could really lay my trap she d never get past aisle three with her foot caught in the bear trap i d leap to her rescue taking just enough time securing her foot from the metal jaws that i could ask her name hobbies and personal ambitions she d be so grateful that she d have to go to bed with me right there among the dijon mustards she d slowly raise her head to look me in the eye you had me at the jell o she d confess conversely i could just talk to her i d wait for her by the waffles pretending to peruse the whole grain cheeses when she s finished her shopping i d say excuse me sorry we haven t met or anything but well i just think you re really cute and seem pretty interesting and i think we passed each other a few aisles back and i just kind of wanted to say that sorry she d pause a moment catching herself thinking it all over did that just really happen does anyone ever have the balls to do that let alone a nebbish computer programmer with a shopping cart filled mostly with 39 cent mr noodles and blue flavoured gatorade she d slowly raise her head to look me in the eye you had me at the jell o she d confess flinging herself into my shopping cart sliding her legs through the openings made for six year olds just before we d race down the aisles into the sun dried tomato coloured sun excuse me sorry a voice woke me from my love struck stupor a female voice i spun around mouth wet with anticipation of the best french kiss of my life only to find the stringy haired 40 year old manager on duty whose face seemed to perpetually resemble edvard munch s the scream sir you re drooling on our floor alas indeed i had been so much for the french kiss but wait where was my well woolen blonde haired enchantress confound the world hesitation truly is the bane of man i leapt to the parking lot in one grand bound with the hope of finding her otherwise...