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d talks with her hands perhaps that early sicily trip we took her on had some influence the biggest gift of infertility is the knowledge of what a gift a child is from the minute i was pregnant with her i knew that she could be it so every moment has been soaked up sometimes i question myself because i have yet to really relate to the it goes so fast comment i m sure i ll probably be able to relate at some point but as of now i feel like i have spent a life time with little miss i ve packed things away given things away finally stopped breastfeeding at 19 months and at every step i was ready there wasn t any sadness only well i soaked that part up all i could and i m ready to see the next step what a gift to have that feeling does it have to do with the infertility process who knows what i do know is that i wouldn t go back and change my experience we wouldn t have emmeline if our experience was different we may have child whom we equally love but it wouldn t be her i can t imagine that really how could i ever want a different path posted by retro girl at 7 15 am 3 comments thursday june 9 2011 the infertile on birth control that story you know the one infertile couple after actively trying to get pregnant for 5 years having unprotected sex for 12 years of marriage failing ivf then having a kid from a frozen embryo transfer drum roll please gets pregnant on their own not only on their own but effortlessly so effortlessly that we are convinced that it had to be immaculate conception but don t get too excited i thought i had cancer fatigued and nauseous any other fertile would of course assume pregnancy not me cancer it had to be cancer but before we made the phone call to the oncologist i took a test just to absolutely rule it out the possibility and there it was the famous or in my case infamous two lines followed by the word pregnant on the digital test i was scared a few days prior we had a talk about how we were really good with one how it was so nice to just be living and enjoying life without being consumed with the next step and now without trying or desire we were thrown into the next step you know us infertiles desperate for information i called my ob and lied and said that i had no idea when my last period was i wanted a dating ultrasound i wanted clear answers i wanted to be told viable or not viable i was reminded of what we all know all too well you can t always get what you want no clear answers at this ultrasound there was a sac with some tissue growth but nothing identifiable i was given a hcg test and scheduled for another ultrasound in a week my hcg was 11 000 they should have saw something with a hcg of 11 000 then it only went up to 17 000 96 hours later the next ultrasound ruled out an ectopic and in fact we saw a heartbeat but it was low 84bpm measuring 6w i think i was more like 8w and the yolk sac was huge i had symptoms but i knew that the combination of all this meant that this was most likely a non viable pregnancy yesterday that was confirmed when there was no heartbeat d and c scheduled for next week i hope i make it till then how does this feel i was upset when we didn t see a heartbeat but the reason is not probably what you expect i wasn t so upset that this lack of heartbeat meant that we would not have this baby i was upset because we were so in a place of contentment we weren t trying for this we really believed that after 12 years it couldn t happen despite being told otherwise it got handed to us made me sick put me on a rollarcaoster and distracted me from little miss for the past 4 weeks for no reason for no reason ok i know better than that there is always a reason i guess it was just harder to find it in this case i believe the reason this happened was to confirm the conversation alex and i had just prior to discovering we were pregnant were we truly content or were we just making our peace with our situation i questioned that now i know we were really content we now know that we can get pregnant and with this knowledge we have decided to go on birth control we don t want this to be on the table anymore we want to live our lives and enjoy the fruits of our labors both in conceiving and in our marriage yes maybe if the labor part had been less we would feel differently we ll never know all of our past experiences have brought us to our current place and the decisions that we make no use spending energy on the what ifs so this infertile is going on birth control for now who would ve thunk it if you told me 5 years ago that i would be doing this i would have told you you were crazy then again if you had told me that i would be getting pregnant naturally i would have also told you that you were crazy i m doing ok ready for this process to be over and to move on i want my energy back for my little miss who by the way is amazing she blows everyone and everything kisses the one thing i ll say is that while this isn t pleasant the whole unsuccessful ivf cycle was so much harder so much harder it was just such a different place i wish you all well in whatever place you may be and the reminder that that place is impermanent be it good or bad posted by retro girl at 11 54 am 5 comments tuesday september 7 2010 103 twas the day before school my school that is back to work tomorrow i did go back to work last semester but was only teaching two classes this semester i will be teaching four classes with a lot of additional responsibilities including an increasingly mobile baby i m excited and nervous i have this feeling though that life is going to feel a little more balanced this way and that folks could easily be denial denial it ain t just a river that s one of alex s favorite phrases we had a socially packed labor day weekend and emmeline thrived she loves being on the move and with people she is not one of those babies that get overly stimulated by a lot of action in fact she is quite the opposite i find that her crankiest days are the ones where we just chill around the house all day the apple doesn t fall far from the tree her 9 month well visit went well 18lbs 3ounces and 27 1 2 inches right around the 50 for both her head still hovers around the 25 which is fine as long as we don t see any large increases decreases the doc expressed a little concern about the lack of babbling but not urgent concern the plan is to give it another month and then do a hearing test she is getting noisier every day just not with those pesky little consonant sounds in other breaking news she is getting really good at finger food i never knew i could find so much enjoyment in watching someone feed themselves a cheerio b comes in an hour or two and emmeline is still sleeping time to cram in important things like going to the bathroom by myself posted by retro girl at 3 47 am 2 comments thursday august 26 2010 102 i beleive in cloning of myself that is in one circumstance to watch my sweet e while i m gone we started with a babysitter 10 hours a week today was her third day and for the most part we re pleased b was selected after 8 resumes 5 interviews and 2 on the job interviews emmeline seems to like her b takes constructive suggestions well and seems happy to be here today e even made a sad face and leaned towards the door when she left i trust e is safe i trust that b is doing her best but how could anyone love her as much as we do then i ran into a mom at the park near our house and shared my mommy guilt experiences with her she s an elementary teacher she reminded me i m not their mom but i still genuinely care for and love my students and try to do what s best for them yes b will be great once i get over my own stuff we celebrated her 9 month day today by a trip to the chelsea community fair she was quite interested in all the animals and especially liked the horses she was pretty wiped by the time we made it to the carousel but was a trooper nonetheless it was fun family day alex and i agreed that we need more of these often when he is just home for a day or two we spend most of that time running errands and getting stuff done some of it necessary some of it a waste when we take the time to look at the big picture of what s important e continues to progress fast in the gross motor skills area today she started standing by herself for short periods of time i bet she walks by ten months verbal skills on the other hand man this kid is q u i e t i have no concerns about her cognition social or emotional development but i am starting to get a little concerned about her lack of babbling we are going to set up a hearing test in the next couple of weeks i absolutely know she hears big sounds it s the softer ones that concern me when b came yesterday she also commented how quiet e is and how unusual quiet our dog kharma is for a shit tzu it s true both are unusually quiet maybe our house is so peaceful and calm that we just raise peaceful calm and in these cases quiet sentient beings i like that explanation much better than a possible hearing problem i hear a little fussing on the monitor and so the day begins posted by retro girl at 4 17 am 4 comments sunday august 22 2010 101 life with little miss e little miss e her name is emmeline addison and she is 9 months this week and she is amazing the quick summary she s crawling and cruising she attempted to bail out of her crib a couple of weeks ago so we moved the mattress down to the lowest setting she s on the quiet side but her favorite way of communicating is through laughter and that makes me smile she s just starting to understand no and evident today when i said no as she reached for our dog s food and then that bottom lip began to quiver ever so lightly and i felt a bad mommy moment i continue to breastfeed and i don t know how long we ll go for i ve stopped trying to set absolutes in regards to her because if i ve learned one thing in these past nine months it is that there are no absolutes our night napping schedule is finally down after several months of sneaking into the guest bedroom with her for her 2am feeding then remaining nuzzled in there with her until the morning i realized the need for a change when dh asked am i ever going to get to sleep with you again so she now not only sleeps in her crib but will put herself to sleep for the most part although this is now the right choice for us looking back i have to admit i don t regret those precious nights nuzzled with her we have been doing cloth diapers if you are interested in doing so give it a try really piece of cake as for dh and i we are slowly but surely finding our balance as a couple and as parents i will go back teaching in the fall i will be gone about 18 hours a week and i would be lying if i didn t tell you that i am looking forward to it for me it is the perfect job for raising kids i m technically full time this semester in pay and in title but full time at a university is roughly 20 hours a week away from home then i will get a month off around the holidays and have off from april 14th sept 8th i m grateful for it i think with our lifestyle alex away 16 or so days a month the away time for me is necessary i find myself being a better parent even when i just get a couple hours away a day when i go 3 4 days without anyone else to hold her even for a minute i find myself burnt out and sometimes only taking care of basic needs not the type of parent i had hoped to be so what next for the blog i think i will start blogging about parenting little miss emmeline i miss blogging i miss my blog world friends and i so look forward to catching up with you all in the upcoming days i leave you with a 7 month pic more to follow posted by retro girl at 5 12 pm 5 comments saturday january 2 2010 100 our 25 38 baby the significance of the title 25 was my first beta on a wednesday 38 was the second beta on a friday i was given the option to stay on my meds through the weekend but we had to retest on monday either way to make sure it wasn t an ectopic i reluctantly stayed on the meds while simultaneously digging out our adoption folder may i introduce to you our 25 38 baby girl oh my gosh we didn t find out the sex during the pregnancy but had strong boy feelings our ob consistently messed with us always using the he pronoun telling me to go with my motherly instinct he took it to the next level when he called our room to tell us good luck and that he was sorry he couldn t be there his parting words i can t wait to meet your beautiful baby boy it was truly a surprise when dh announced it s a girl the birth story we went in to the ob on nov 24th for an appointment the induction was scheduled for dec 1st and we were looking forward to celebrating dh s b day and thanksgiving and getting the last minute things done that weekend however i noticed that my blood pressure had begun to creep up on nov 22nd 23rd in the office on the 24th my blood pressure was 145 95 and there was an increase of protein in my urine but our doc said that he was still comfortable pushing until dec 1st we were just about to walk out the door when he said hold on your platelets were 78 000 yesterday this is pretty low 100 000 is the cut off for an epideral and to be awake during a c section it was also an indication that my condition was getting much worse he told us to go home get our bags and go to the hospital that they would start the induction that night and they did along with a healthy dose of mag sulfate because my blood pressure was around 160s 100s by the time we got to the hospital and by 10am the next morning there was no progress when the doc came in to tell me that they thought a c section would be the best option given my declining condition i promptly asked where do i sign anyone have experience with mag sulfate i would have done almost anything to get off that devil drug sooner rather than later the c section was a non event seriously if it wasn t for that mag sulfate the whole experience would have been a lot less painful than i anticipated because of my blood pressure it didn t go down right away i spent 5 days in the hospital it was fine though it gave us a lot of extra time to get adjusted and work with the lactation consultant life at home is good content i have tired days don t get me wrong but the overall experience transition has been easier than i anticipated we are very in love i ve tried to really think about why it has taken me so long to post the birth story i think it is a combination of not wanting to do much of anything besides lay with the baby on my chest and gaze into her eyes and a little bit of survivor s guilt i remember after our fresh cycle failed in summer of 2008 shortly thereafter a few blog world friends had success i would visit their sites write i m so happy for you and then while a piece of me was happy for them i would feel immense amounts of pain and jealousy and then that cycle of emotion would take place again after they posted their birth story i know i m not alone in those em...