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ay there was a reason he wouldn t put me on facebook he wasn t over his ex cheated on me smoked like a sieve and was an alcoholic at first i thought his drinking was occasional but then i saw that his large cup had more and more jack daniels in it i find out he s cheating and gave me herpes i so wish i hadn t been so naive about cold sores and boring guys but i learned my lesson chad then there is chad i don t even want to talk about him you all know that story i know that story and i don t want to reiterate it jake he was brief super brief he showed me that i can love and invest in someone it didn t stop at chad he showed me kindness in flowers i never imagined existed and help in ways i needed but i wasn t good enough for him he didn t want to deal with my bipolar or jason even though he never saw my bad bipolar he just knew others that were and assumed i was like them he flew in my life and flew out back to oklahoma so reality no man has ever been in love with me infatuated yes charmed and enthralled but nothing pure and constant that used to depress me so much but not today i m realizing that i have received love in so many other ways friends in highschool whose families allowed me to live with them because my mom was so so abusive my aunt kathy who didn t forget me and sent me the funniest cards and meaningful ornaments because we both love christmas so much my aunt jane shes patiently pursued me and encouraged me even though distance and time put walls between us friends that sent me care packages just because they were thinking about me sandra the baby shower angel necklace all the school fundraiser things she bought to support them my dog the list goes on britney she gave us butterscotch gave her to us gina tiffany jenni all have helped me with my boys so that i could work and help raise them to be who they should be jess my jess the ways we never let the other be alone on a holiday even if it isn t in person dennis he was once a patron of mine 4 years ago but now he s a friend and even father figure he has been there when others weren t believed in me supported me did the most thoughtful things when the days were dark he showed me what a christian should look like everything he does is between those people and not for show i trust him and i trust very few if none men elisa i could write pages about her and her kids she is the family we always wanted she is trustworthy and loves us as we love her my boys you all read the stories they love their momma and i love them tony i ve known him since we were 11 i can call him day or night and he will answer i call him on his shit and he brings me down from mine then there are the friends that i talk to in messenger or jennifer from lubbock maggie and amanda who have truly loved me through my mess i mean these women deserve ten gold stars for their perseverance love and truth james lewis that mans compassion and ability to get down to the truth has been a light for me all these years becca she made me my first doll red pillows and introduced me to optavia she has encouraged me all these years rebekiah too gosh my list goes on and on i am loved not by a man i may never ever know that kind of love i ve come to terms with that but i am loved in so many ways maybe more ways then a married couple of 60 years i used to think love should be found in one person i will be loved when married have a baby etc now i know love is found in your friends in yourself in your kids in the family you make in the animals that never leave your side it s far more enriching then love in one person posted by janine at 1 44 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday december 30 2018 maybe he was right i have been thinking alot about my past relationships specifically chads last words to me i ve been thinking about the friendships that remain no longer amy julie crill they all left because i was too much i think i ve come to realize chad was right not about everything and yes i have greatly improved but i am too much he was right to leave me they all were they tried to be loyal but i taxed every single one of them other than elisa my closest friends are states away one is even over seas they are good friends great friends but each of them can walk away from their phone or internet chad tried to love me but i was in the height of my bipolar i do remember now that i did all i could to prove that i was worth loving but i didn t see my own worth so he couldn t either plus he was utterly selfish and a chameleon he figured everyone out so he could manipulate them you had to be perfect to be worth staying for able to do 3 somes and feed his ego no i did not do the first but every man i ve ever been with wanted that i always refused but i think for him in my quest to make him happy i think i would have finally given in i was so in love with him i would have done anything to make him happy even sell my soul it wouldn t have mattered because he was my sunshine and i was his light nothing else mattered am i better going into 2019 heck yes i can tell you my strengths and weaknesses without much effort because i know what they are am i lovable in small does yeah as long as i don t burden anyone with everything and believe it or not i have a lot of things going on that no one has any idea of i ve learned to be secretive what goes on behind my walls even my brain yeah i talk about alot but it s really all surface things so in one breath i am very lovable but in another i am not there is always something happening in my world i try to be positive but it s always something my health my kids and their many issues jason dating stuff my weight god all this suffocating fucking weight the fact that i can t exercise to even do anything about it right now i ve tried so hard to be a friend to others reaching out listening empathizing yet i am sick as a dog in true agony and only elisa has checked in on me it s so sad to finally see my value but to also see that my value doesn t matter much to others because with my value also comes drama big emotions i cannot be happy and positive all the time like most people i try but i m lying if i ever say that i will see life as glass half full vs half empty how can i ever expect a man to deal with that day in and day out how can i expect anyone to deal with that so it goes back to a long time reality i am not lovable what s changed is that i am lovable but i m just not lovable in big constant dosages i have to be realistic there will always be drama in my life the topics may change but they will be there i ll cry and talk about it but i will always choose to get up i can help others because of my experiences but i can t expect them to do so in return not in big doses drama seems to be the curse of my life most of it is not my doing but it is my reality i hope to god i can use this year to open my bible and find my deep seeded faith again i hope to god i can lose weight i want to be better i m no longer lost like i was but i am cursed with big emotions and drama that curse means i will be alone alone in the quiet of my beautiful home alone when i am sick alone in my big doses of drama i can reach out some dole it out in sections but my curse of drama and big emotions will never change posted by janine at 2 11 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday december 8 2018 i am not special i realized something this year that has changed my life in so many ways i am not special wait before you jump on the bandwagon to tell me differently let me explain chad taught me a very valuable lesson it took me almost a year to digest mind you as i think about my past i realize others taught me this lesson as well but he cemented it from the beginning he gave me key phrases that i should have listened to no one leaves me i am the one who leaves when i m done i am done i heard them but smiled inside and thought things like wow i m finally special my person found me i changed a cold man into a loyal man it actually gave me an ounce of price because i was special i was the one to change this wonderful man into something better and i was wrong so wrong i am not special i cannot change a broken man who doesn t want commitment i cannot change a man who wants to be married to his work i cannot change a man who wants to swing i can not change a cheater i cannot change a mans heart dammit i am not special so what am i i am sad i wish i was special and could do those things i am so thankful that i finally realized this i am brave and smart enough to walk away when i hear those key phrases i have courage to face a life know that i may never ever be loved by a man i am a mom who fails but apologizes and keeps going i love i snuggle i yell i never leave or stop loving them i have bipolar and i love that i m bipolar i do i embrace it i understand it it is me and i am it i am the strengths of bipolar i am the weaknesses of bipolar i am a christian honestly i hate that word but i also embrace it god is real jesus is real he is in my brokenness and he is in my strengths i can block people that may sound strange but i could never do it before i always felt guilty i knew what it was like to be rejected so i thought if i kept people around then maybe they would realize that i was worth not being rejected i am a dog owner my precious butterscotch who gets me out of the house and loves me with a million kisses every day i am a lover of christmas and holidays birthdays valentines day etc i love to give joy i love to see peoples faces light up i love red seems so silly to list this but i do i love it it makes me smile i love to watch the beauty of red make others smile it is not satans color red is the life blood red is fire red is joy i had a few experiences this week that cemented many of these realities i have put my foot out there to start dating again it s honestly sickening whats out there i refused to be with a man who has issues so in turn what does he do he offers me 350 00 dollars to sleep with him every time that amount of money is three days worth of pay i admit i considered it very briefly hell i ve slept with worse men for free dean all because i thought i loved him and he would change he never changed i just lost my heart and soul i declined his offer and his reaction was then desperation whats even sadder i posted about this in a private womens group and almost all of the women told me i should have done it that this line of work is normal and pays the bills it is accepted that using a man for money as he uses your body is okay i don t want that to be okay i don t want to lose my soul or my convictions trust me he is now blocked from all avenues much to his dismay but do i care about his dismay nope not at all i also met this great guy honestly he s great he wants the same things i want almost eerily it was like he read my mind he was kind honest thoughtful a great cook just a list of things but he s broken from a past relationship a very very painful past relationship that he gave his all to he only wants to be married to his job he wants companionship but not commitment he does not want a future with anything but money and work i started to hear those old thoughts i bet he would change his mind once we were together he would change his mind once he realized i m not her and being in a committed relationship can be safe and worth fighting for i knew those lies but ignored them briefly then he reasserted his stance and i realized i was wasting my time i wrote him a decent text explaining that i know i m not special to give him my time and body would mean i would also give him my heart and it wasn t worth the heartache that would follow when he never changed his mind his response made me cry i respect and admire that in more ways than one i tip my hat to you for what your becoming never change for anyone you ll always have a friend in me and i ll always be here to talk it s so unfair that i always meet people at the wrong time so bitterly unfair but i realized that before i gave him anything more than my time so again what am i i am home alone in my home albeit it s a messy home but that can change in a short amount of time because it s a clean home i did not give my body or heart to someone who wouldn t value it i did not waste my time on somebody who isn t ready to love and be loved i have a tree full of memories that do not include a man i have friends and children who think i m special who are thankful for my friendship or just being their acquaintance i have pets who are currently surrounding me because they love to be with me i have jesus who is my intercessor and interceeding on my behalf when men left me cheated on me and showed me just how unspecial i am i am home alone but i am not being used and i am not using anyone to fill a hole that isn t theirs to fill i am janine house of betrayal heart break abuse rape yet through that i am a phoenix whose home is compassion empathy brutal honesty kindness a brilliant smile and a light that hasn t been quenched out i am not special i cannot change anyone but i can say no i can block and i can chose to be alone instead of opening myself up to more hurts posted by janine at 1 02 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday october 29 2018 i knew it was coming i had to miss three days of pay two weeks ago because two kids got sick i knew a small check was coming but i must have been in denial because seeing the total on my check made me literally sick to my stomach it didn t help that i felt sick all day i don t know how i m getting sick or my period is starting i have no appetite but since seeing the total i feel like stress is eating me from the inside out sharp acid burning cramps it s so bad i took two ativan and i haven t taken one of those for some time stress is killing me i am consumed with hatred for jason he always ends up on top always consumed with my weight hatred for myself and god for making me broken i cannot comprehend a parent loving their kid and making them broken i know i should read my bible but just the thught of that makes me want to rage but then there is this other side of me the side that wants to trust god the side that knows god is real the side that remembers that god always provides i know that if i opened my bible and trusted what i read that i would find a measure of peace i remember many instances where i saw the hand of god i know he s real but then i think about jason always winning this weight gain the reality that i ll never be loved and i want to reign holy fire i want to sleep forever but instead i m raging fire on my insides i wish i could find something that s more beautiful broken i wish this pain would end i am truly bent over in agony i wish i was lovable i wish i wasn t alone i wish i was skinny i wish money didn t scare me i wish jason didn t always win i wish for a break...