Meta tags:

Headings (most frequently used words):

to, of, good, the, in, even, he, god, is, not, us, it, jenna, carver, you, all, your, if, getting, letter, ever, my, posts, want, our, who, we, asks, let, go, what, because, best, things, they, are, grief, and, muchness, doesn, rid, quiet, time, exit, 16, remember, when, jonas, brothers, wore, purity, rings, an, open, every, person, loved, unmasking, little, sister, 2019, probably, going, cut, hair, off, after, this, navigation, me, inbox, recent, archives, deals, quick, transactions, already, standing, future, still, wanting, walk, with, on, journey, there, as, could, take, step, outside, loss, that, jesus, were, holding, close, actually, very, though,

Text of the page (most frequently used words):
the (515), and (331), that (235), you (216), was (163), for (131), god (124), have (99), with (94), when (89), had (88), what (81), how (77), about (73), like (71), would (71), our (70), all (68), him (68), just (65), not (61), can (54), out (54), but (54), your (53), there (48), were (46), his (46), this (45), don (45), time (43), #because (43), one (42), could (41), more (40), even (38), want (36), make (36), from (36), will (35), people (35), know (35), back (34), been (33), they (32), are (31), only (30), too (30), into (29), first (29), life (29), other (28), remember (28), then (28), now (27), get (27), things (27), 2019 (26), going (26), something (26), than (26), who (26), said (25), never (25), through (24), much (24), way (23), day (23), thought (23), good (22), still (22), here (21), got (21), before (21), ever (21), think (21), see (20), didn (20), everything (20), them (20), little (20), years (20), tell (20), always (20), doesn (19), look (19), maybe (19), grief (18), thing (17), room (17), give (17), take (17), she (17), her (17), looked (16), someone (16), over (16), meant (16), wanted (16), every (16), wish (16), 2018 (15), getting (15), has (15), love (15), home (15), finally (15), started (15), night (15), say (15), leave (14), myself (14), past (14), those (14), each (14), sister (14), told (14), gym (14), start (13), until (13), couldn (13), same (13), heart (13), living (13), took (13), trying (13), whole (13), while (13), away (13), feel (13), comment (12), quiet (12), where (12), left (12), being (12), most (12), find (12), end (12), anything (12), actually (12), again (12), made (12), come (12), felt (12), should (12), world (12), after (12), wasn (12), favorite (12), better (12), bible (12), two (12), own (11), september (11), december (11), may (11), wants (11), change (11), around (11), asked (11), words (11), really (11), story (11), why (11), did (11), right (11), jacob (11), january (10), eyes (10), sometimes (10), different (10), everyone (10), instead (10), without (10), family (10), greg (10), mean (10), part (10), best (10), uncategorized (10), sitting (10), house (10), their (10), talk (10), let (10), ask (10), times (10), looking (10), work (10), jenna (9), october (9), 2016 (9), new (9), lot (9), learned (9), having (9), jesus (9), church (9), next (9), place (9), yes (9), some (9), year (9), able (9), friend (9), went (9), though (9), down (9), answer (9), boundaries (9), 2014 (8), 2015 (8), close (8), put (8), hold (8), learning (8), saying (8), hard (8), heard (8), very (8), car (8), old (8), sure (8), head (8), already (8), making (8), three (8), last (8), sense (8), happened (8), help (8), sun (8), few (8), off (8), rest (8), enough (8), months (8), step (8), asks (8), many (8), morning (8), isn (8), relationship (8), read (8), brunch (8), april (7), recovery (7), dream (7), sit (7), once (7), fear (7), shame (7), does (7), move (7), open (7), husband (7), fact (7), came (7), moment (7), table (7), aren (7), point (7), light (7), used (7), wonder (7), talked (7), boy (7), blue (7), asking (7), won (7), kiss (7), together (7), five (7), easier (7), forward (7), name (6), carver (6), blog (6), june (6), july (6), august (6), november (6), found (6), keep (6), finished (6), built (6), dreams (6), okay (6), both (6), wanting (6), thinking (6), hear (6), slow (6), showed (6), hands (6), parts (6), needed (6), learn (6), days (6), taking (6), school (6), knew (6), supposed (6), nothing (6), its (6), stay (6), loss (6), become (6), loud (6), walked (6), girl (6), loved (6), reading (6), wouldn (6), live (6), trip (6), plan (6), listening (6), listen (6), rock (6), com (5), content (5), looks (5), wondering (5), set (5), happen (5), himself (5), giving (5), against (5), moving (5), face (5), version (5), darkness (5), maker (5), stand (5), weeks (5), honest (5), figure (5), wait (5), behind (5), decision (5), alone (5), wrong (5), busy (5), phone (5), hope (5), such (5), excited (5), anymore (5), pain (5), conversation (5), easy (5), twenty (5), dates (5), gave (5), tried (5), relationships (5), hurt (5), ourselves (5), met (5), israel (5), less (5), imagine (5), hand (5), else (5), fight (5), small (5), telling (5), person (5), miss (5), planning (5), later (5), seem (5), depression (5), faith (5), big (5), steps (5), working (5), website (4), wordpress (4), email (4), write (4), february (4), march (4), 2017 (4), prayer (4), done (4), genesis (4), midnight (4), fell (4), road (4), coffee (4), broken (4), self (4), calling (4), friends (4), also (4), arms (4), week (4), definitely (4), show (4), kind (4), laugh (4), became (4), feeling (4), playing (4), realize (4), letting (4), coming (4), yet (4), body (4), third (4), worth (4), inside (4), goodbye (4), changed (4), might (4), full (4), list (4), care (4), dark (4), during (4), reason (4), gives (4), fit (4), realized (4), choose (4), familiar (4), long (4), questions (4), seen (4), real (4), between (4), either (4), roof (4), side (4), drive (4), play (4), break (4), bad (4), sorry (4), married (4), four (4), surprise (4), promises (4), spend (4), hours (4), memories (4), clear (4), college (4), date (4), minute (4), movie (4), quick (4), job (4), dwayne (4), johnson (4), question (4), writing (4), free (3), create (3), required (3), exit (3), rid (3), posts (3), follow (3), uncertainty (3), final (3), hoping (3), immeasurably (3), knees (3), loves (3), rose (3), afraid (3), kissed (3), town (3), staring (3), worst (3), season (3), usually (3), fix (3), brave (3), touch (3), following (3), uncomfortable (3), conversations (3), hearing (3), push (3), hearts (3), desperate (3), sized (3), prayers (3), driving (3), understanding (3), ride (3), building (3), pieces (3), happy (3), team (3), these (3), plans (3), forgot (3), fingers (3), lost (3), starting (3), spent (3), turn (3), invited (3), relief (3), thoughts (3), mom (3), impossible (3), ahead (3), wedding (3), birthday (3), front (3), missed (3), minutes (3), second (3), probably (3), staying (3), pull (3), buy (3), moments (3), ones (3), game (3), unforgiving (3), lines (3), lay (3), mother (3), edge (3), believe (3), stories (3), mountain (3), ready (3), remind (3), king (3), sound (3), willing (3), forget (3), yeah (3), kept (3), early (3), save (3), throwing (3), understand (3), protecting (3), given (3), worry (3), golden (3), outside (3), dreaming (3), meet (3), hour (3), voice (3), white (3), waiting (3), door (3), unmasking (3), saving (3), moved (3), six (3), course (3), corner (3), hole (3), single (3), known (3), expectations (3), wholeness (3), spending (3), yourself (3), saved (3), reality (3), pretty (3), dating (3), space (3), dominican (3), middle (3), soon (3), especially (3), plant (3), hate (3), mental (3), mentality (3), touched (3), cross (3), try (3), carry (3), idea (3), based (3), truth (3), music (3), almost (3), cheeks (3), porch (3), chore (3), couple (3), whatever (3), lives (3), wrestling (3), walking (3), reminds (3), bar (2), log (2), sign (2), join (2), 220 (2), subscribers (2), subscribe (2), instagram (2), muchness (2), search (2), address (2), previous (2), rollercoaster (2), promised (2), fitting (2), verse (2), desert (2), reached (2), character (2), hopes (2), ball (2), demons (2), childhood (2), wishing (2), beautiful (2), victory (2), places (2), happening (2), taught (2), giver (2), toe (2), called (2), red (2), meetings (2), crying (2), often (2), invite (2), certain (2), number (2), sounded (2), ground (2), talking (2), dad (2), died (2), bitter (2), towards (2), alongside (2), itinerary (2), check (2), weather (2), somehow (2), send (2), wife (2), existence (2), need (2), breath (2), gratitude (2), sleep (2), count (2), champagne (2), angry (2), call (2), weekends (2), lake (2), routine (2), grew (2), half (2), ministry (2), believing (2), shouldn (2), order (2), led (2), high (2), sweet (2), charge (2), month (2), lap (2), laughing (2), stomach (2), wished (2), fiercely (2), seemed (2), master (2), silhouette (2), unexpected (2), opportunities (2), laid (2), somewhere (2), short (2), knowing (2), waffle (2), walks (2), run (2), text (2), dressed (2), shoes (2), exactly (2), seasons (2), accept (2), spot (2), build (2), guest (2), another (2), caring (2), reasons (2), saw (2), absence (2), stopped (2), handle (2), growing (2), late (2), cousin (2), uncle (2), sat (2), straight (2), finish (2), preach (2), heavy (2), born (2), fault (2), others (2), letter (2), convinced (2), wind (2), sets (2), admit (2), gotten (2), attention (2), knows (2), any (2), tells (2), wondered (2), except (2), heavens (2), followed (2), related (2), carried (2), created (2), presence (2), power (2), blinked (2), storage (2), unit (2), fourth (2), grade (2), setting (2), spoke (2), dinner (2), leaving (2), texts (2), photos (2), hide (2), suddenly (2), bought (2), pick (2), ice (2), cream (2), ended (2), panic (2), bathroom (2), spotlight (2), gone (2), ago (2), wrote (2), hurting (2), app (2), bridges (2), wrap (2), anthem (2), battle (2), habits (2), pressure (2), comes (2), breathe (2), filling (2), keeping (2), safer (2), weight (2), shoulders (2), finger (2), ripping (2), skin (2), history (2), rather (2), recognize (2), running (2), social (2), media (2), nurse (2), kids (2), comfortable (2), ring (2), bed (2), entire (2), book (2), process (2), packing (2), friendships (2), future (2), sweetest (2), pushing (2), physical (2), commitment (2), boyfriend (2), aside (2), wash (2), word (2), pursuing (2), safety (2), serious (2), quickly (2), well (2), rising (2), strange (2), til (2), planned (2), truly (2), regret (2), ten (2), latte (2), funny (2), watching (2), today (2), vision (2), feet (2), illness (2), rooted (2), ocd (2), pastor (2), kid (2), bipolar (2), hill (2), prayed (2), seat (2), bridge (2), harm (2), strong (2), tears (2), mind (2), math (2), eventually (2), page (2), chapter (2), habit (2), heat (2), sermon (2), safe (2), advice (2), summer (2), above (2), schedule (2), timeline (2), anyways (2), chair (2), someplace (2), spurts (2), motivation (2), totally (2), unhealthy (2), devotion (2), onto (2), warm (2), hurts (2), stage (2), deep (2), takes (2), written (2), wrestles (2), tired (2), blankly (2), empty (2), naturally (2), purpose (2), nugget (2), guess (2), chasm (2), anywhere (2), seems (2), boldly (2), hit (2), direction (2), samuel (2), standing (2), walk (2), journey (2), doing (2), test (2), sell (2), opportunity (2), webster (2), defines (2), active (2), present (2), nursing (2), figuring (2), steam (2), espresso (2), machine (2), christian (2), enemy (2), christmas (2), makes (2), skip (2), loading, comments, collapse, report, manage, subscriptions, view, site, reader, privacy, account, subscribed, archives, tweets, images, recent, enter, receive, notifications, inbox, navigation, carrying, digging, destination, recovered, entirely, fixes, realignment, bringing, costs, painful, scraped, qualities, pedestal, loyalty, loser, bends, gas, stations, shops, marked, thankfulness, thankful, embrace, midnights, preservation, dress, claim, stops, crown, knight, guts, horrifying, breathing, confidence, crushed, hero, agree, bravely, shadows, cheered, taped, buildings, dreamt, cultivate, desire, yearning, sacred, 1323, apartment, shaking, fasted, breezed, ocean, concerts, nashville, tacos, sudden, whataburger, birmingham, expert, reaping, willingness, deterred, selfish, define, choices, midst, teammate, draw, pack, accordingly, pulling, driveway, hangover, blamed, accepting, invitation, facing, mirror, clenching, fists, gritting, teeth, pointing, spite, recover, clearly, tomorrows, must, laughed, speak, fighting, believed, robbed, praying, ceiling, fan, spun, popping, rang, scheduled, daydreamed, shop, evenings, cooking, falling, shape, stuck, daydreaming, taken, forgotten, promise, heaviest, heartbreak, guilt, alive, prodigal, feast, leap, signing, serve, coordinator, editor, girls, thickness, air, breathed, admitted, sort, accident, blake, dropped, anniversary, graduating, calendar, pouring, straining, endless, adventure, television, buffered, missing, celebrate, celebration, passed, echoes, cut, hair, booth, loosing, jokes, band, scar, chin, color, snort, fast, breathless, wide, types, lifelong, peoples, tightly, clap, loudly, goodbyes, normal, loneliness, lying, played, unbalanced, least, searching, wildly, swings, pews, sanctuaries, cope, normalized, shaped, forming, friendship, watched, formed, shuffle, secrets, whispered, dynamic, household, hallway, stricken, instilled, seats, dinners, backed, polite, yelling, nice, gesture, defining, factor, parents, stars, byproducts, wounds, worried, endings, grace, dear, sam, bring, mountains, idol, foot, rain, swept, spoken, counted, spinning, embarrassingly, anxious, mine, counterfeit, offering, chosen, recount, answered, notice, kinder, shook, breaking, stood, twenties, longest, shock, far, ceaselessly, trade, creator, earliest, providing, recovering, slaves, thriving, conquering, split, sea, guide, pillar, fire, begged, laps, nations, rooftop, knobby, ankles, knocking, warming, welcome, fears, bites, ears, ringing, cool, acted, thanking, unhappy, eleven, celebrating, showing, joke, ups, haunted, houses, graduation, smell, couch, memory, pushed, clothes, liked, yard, joined, football, score, comeback, touchdown, crowd, wild, troy, legs, across, deserved, celebrated, sixteenth, eighteenth, cake, lit, candle, lunch, tub, ate, plastic, spoons, gravel, parking, prom, cards, attacks, floor, reckoning, starts, allowed, sounds, religious, understood, florida, london, tangible, swoop, fixing, hijack, role, lie, mask, dance, taylor, swift, seventeen, internship, authors, meeting, hidden, note, objected, burned, capacity, reach, arm, difference, ounce, mended, peace, appear, unafraid, falls, oxygen, unknowns, achieve, ends, whenever, stretch, fill, top, overflow, tidying, dry, opens, closes, wasting, sanctuary, chipping, shake, nor, act, songs, beauty, bridled, burn, risk, sake, apologize, brokenness, pointed, safest, awkward, magnets, hateful, marking, shrink, yours, jumping, hoops, neck, apologies, cause, wrongs, spit, transgressions, hiding, insecure, thumb, disappointed, sad, loving, writer, loft, dogs, overcome, biggest, curveball, imaginable, university, georgia, psychology, man, tattoos, post, cringe, softer, contradicting, pursuit, result, nowhere, near, completely, weekend, patterned, china, twice, wine, country, france, hotel, neighborhood, tickets, louvre, flight, paris, vacation, abroad, money, flights, hotels, preparation, responsibilities, heavier, disappointment, important, mention, excuses, constantly, speaking, believes, hoped, trust, guys, forever, treated, belonged, somebody, kisses, crossed, boundary, level, fiancé, tenth, street, excitement, decorations, drawer, bakeries, area, french, pastries, picking, cloths, fallen, referring, abstinent, frankly, actual, net, traded, news, however, jump, tone, attached, physically, steal, joy, tomorrow, showered, engaged, proposed, guarding, frustrating, complex, republic, mission, pulled, notes, serving, bus, unbridled, ear, promptly, sent, actuality, continued, treat, organized, picnic, tavern, gwinnett, unedited, talks, sex, teenagers, students, gossiping, importance, reputation, ruining, dangerous, depend, correctly, pray, fierce, necessarily, kissing, internet, phenomenon, sexual, catches, thirteen, basement, mad, videos, viral, 2008, jonas, brothers, wore, purity, rings, heaven, seeing, savior, matter, advancement, war, seize, unwarranted, fixed, goal, failure, struggling, suicidal, handling, guessed, despite, strength, grown, figured, haven, disorder, anxiety, screaming, shadow, belongs, winded, sinking, harder, sincerely, salvation, works, kingdom, taste, gosh, tugging, throat, feels, constant, conditioned, argue, churches, cry, rainy, lights, highway, 140, faster, blink, highest, turned, leveling, connecting, main, rode, bend, razors, soft, abandoning, navigate, vest, lighthouse, darkest, harbor, behavior, expected, hers, demon, health, wound, unmedicated, scars, thighs, grandmother, rooms, coping, mechanisms, buried, tendencies, flipping, switch, turning, diagnosed, severe, blurting, line, bursting, homework, personality, symptoms, named, shirt, wear, hospital, sunshine, dusty, glass, backlighting, tiny, knuckling, forehead, freckled, puffy, drowning, voices, throw, schedules, defense, response, source, unplanned, unstructured, study, song, group, impacts, erasing, definition, ridding, placed, listened, housefires, album, fly, micah, malachi, worship, playlist, longer, slave, craves, context, curious, encouraging, sentence, podcast, attempts, tuesday, headed, heads, weekdays, obligatory, highlight, tweet, pleads, binding, stained, bookmarked, bright, tabs, paragraph, rereading, sing, lists, yearly, sundays, code, options, outfits, advance, perfectly, polished, worthy, avocado, toast, scoot, chairs, under, sometime, tend, puts, affects, diet, energy, task, exhaustion, lack, prioritizing, skills, due, meets, hustle, binge, netflix, discouragement, progress, results, struggled, massage, tanning, branch, hop, treadmill, neither, supposedly, athlete, rat, fleeting, frustrated, dietary, determined, add, exercise, mix, grain, nut, fruit, sugar, dairy, gluten, meat, eggs, awful, slump, type, finds, balance, extreme, scale, tip, toeing, journal, watch, brings, cycle, pencil, guilty, dive, requirement, themselves, touching, bibles, everyday, peeked, condominium, laying, pool, toes, worked, leaders, earlier, construction, sites, cannot, conquer, conquers, holding, city, scholarship, shed, lifestyle, aligned, designed, harmful, bold, reminder, encounter, father, broke, hip, clinging, amount, began, sore, blessed, total, dependency, return, homeland, terms, sums, picked, responses, reference, literally, stare, profound, reread, stop, coincidence, great, entertain, humans, connect, dots, drives, crazy, impossibilities, align, begs, consider, devine, intervention, coincide, reminded, crawl, triumph, exclaiming, honestly, foreign, rug, underneath, cling, toppling, below, covers, slipping, tumbling, bounds, lead, areas, situation, countless, forks, bargaining, metaphorically, shove, unsure, tight, rope, thirty, unknown, abyss, control, taunting, selfishly, puzzle, decipher, challenged, testing, whether, prophet, listener, voicing, deals, transactions, contentment, security, happiness, mess, explanation, instant, gratification, thru, meal, eat, questionnaire, ultimatum, sorts, challenge, ______, means, situations, state, sale, receiving, merriam, consideration, relational, focused, fully, thoughtful, beg, answers, guidance, clarity, pleading, abundantly, doubt, expect, problem, ins, switched, creating, degree, party, interview, position, stupid, sticking, practical, misheard, diabetes, educator, tattoo, wrist, qualms, deciphering, impact, stared, unsatisfied, career, originally, declared, major, intention, specializing, pediatric, endocrinology, obviously, routes, beat, miserable, universe, surely, trick, innocent, valid, awkwardness, silence, linger, thank, ending, wand, squint, creative, minor, communications, graduated, apologetics, degrees, replied, finishing, art, wet, eye, nineteen, jobs, customer, service, classes, roommates, putting, register, faithfulness, blogger, atlanta, grow, gain, masterpiece, potter, chooses, overflowing, portion, poured, water, garden, knuckles, beating, clay, preparing, eve, stroke, clattering, glasses, toasts, stealing, robbing, arrived, families, flourish, giant, welcomed, holiday, goodness, kick, scream, stages, truest, oldest, reshape, inevitably, dodge, punches, antsy, changes, worse, stays, builds, easily, peg, lose, losing, disney, rides, moms, decorating, tree, cozy, unwrapping, nursery, gifts, spare, littlest, laughs, ego, personal, experienced, twelve, since, tends, common, shows, partiality, experience, connects, regardless, age, pay, status, popularity, goes, beyond, borders, blows, barriers, hits, minds, tall, confident, passive, metriam, unfortunate, outcome, poignant, distress, track, lately, which, pregnant, says, row, http, brkncrayons, menu,

Text of the page (random words):
aster than i could blink and then jesus finally i would be able to breathe again right rest so i blinked and there i was in the front seat of my mom s car watching the rainy lights on highway 140 drive by i was telling her about that bridge and she was crying i wondered how many more times i would make her cry how many more texts from my little sister i would get saying they would all miss me if i wasn t here how many more times would i have to have this conversation the truth is mental illness touched me once and there are pieces of it that will be here now til kingdom come it s as much a part of who i am as my taste in music my favorite places even my faith gosh there are times in my life that the heavy tugging on my throat feels like the only constant i just can t believe i used to be conditioned to think that i had to pull myself out of it that it was my job to be better even if i wasn t that a church was the last place that had room for my dark now i would argue that maybe our churches should be full of more of all of our dark just from how open and broken we can all be with each other just so that our darkness can be touched by the truth and now i know that the idea that i should be able to read my bible enough to not be winded by that sinking feeling the idea that if i just prayed harder more sincerely then i would be able to sleep at night that s an idea of salvation based in works and there s no room at the cross for that do you know what there is room for though my sister s ocd the pastor kid s bipolar disorder my best friend s anxiety my depression in fact jesus is screaming at us from the cross it is finished i said it is finished don t try to pull that out from the cross s shadow that belongs to me i carried that up this hill so you don t have to carry it ever leave it here it can be here that s what this hill is here for that s what i m here for the last thing i want to do is come at you as someone who has figured it out because for the most part i haven t in october 2014 i told my mom for the very first time that i was struggling with suicidal thoughts back then i was handling my depression in a much different way without god while the past six years have touched my life with light i would have never guessed on that first october day that four years later i would be telling my husband the same thing despite my strength and what my faith had grown into and then again just this past january there s a lot of unwarranted shame i ve had to work through in the past few years shame rooted in this mentality that fixed is the goal and better is still failure more than that i don t want to preach that faith is how we get rid of depression just don t hear me say that it s not you see in this war against mental illness depression can seize the day but don t forget and hear me when i say this like it s the only thing i ll ever write that will ever matter making an advancement in the battle is different than a victory i hate this darkness and i hold on to the vision in my head where i am finally sitting at my savior s feet but it s only because of this darkness that i see how light can break through in a way i couldn t in the sun i can t wait to see jesus in heaven i m sure there s nothing like seeing him there but i sure do love getting to see him here today right where i m at because i m still here may 22 2019 may 22 2019 uncategorized leave a comment remember when the jonas brothers wore purity rings did you know that i wanted my first kiss to be with my husband on our wedding day yes just like one of those really uncomfortable videos that went viral back in 2008 you can imagine my surprise then when i was thirteen and watching a movie in my boyfriend s basement and he reached over to plant one on me i got really mad of course for about five minutes funny how quickly we re willing to push our boundaries ten years later my first kiss catches me up on his life while i finish making his latte and when someone asked me to talk about pursuing sexual wholeness in dating relationships he was the first person i thought of not necessarily because i regret kissing him it s just sometimes i wonder if it would have been better to end up an internet phenomenon than to have asked him to kiss me again and if i can be really truly unedited here i want to start by saying i think the church talks about sex too much especially to teenagers and college students in fact growing up i wish the church would have talked to me more about not gossiping i wish it would have talked to me more about the importance of a reputation and not ruining it for someone else i wish i would have heard more about how dangerous it is to depend on other people to make you feel okay i wish the church would have talked to me more about how to read the bible correctly and how to pray fierce god moving prayers i wish the church would have talked to me about protecting my heart and how safety isn t about how much you let a boy kiss you greg has always had good boundaries between him and i i remember when greg and i started finally dating he was always so organized with our time together he was living two hours from me so we would meet in the middle for our dates i remember how our third date together was me packing us a picnic and then going to a movie at the movie tavern in gwinnett as soon as the movie ended he walked me to my car kissed me quick and told me he would text me later that may not seem strange but for me i was used to unbridled play it by ear don t go home til three in the morning dates so when greg promptly put me in my car and sent me off right on time i thought his next step was to tell me it wasn t going to work out between us in actuality that s how he continued to treat every date we did what was planned and we didn t go a minute over this may come as no surprise at all but i said i love you first too we were on a mission trip together i pulled out the notes on my phone and wrote it down every time i thought it during a whole day serving next to each other and i showed it to him on the bus ride back to our place he didn t say it back in fact he didn t make a single comment about it until i found him sitting on the roof of our complex with the dominican republic sun rising behind him the next morning we were alone and he had asked me to meet him he wanted me to know how much it had meant to him that i felt that way more than that he wanted me to know how much it would mean when he said it back to me even though he couldn t yet because the next time he wanted to say i love you to someone it would be because he was going to spend the rest of his life with them he always had good boundaries and even though they were frustrating at first it was later that i realized how well his own boundaries were protecting me while i left our dates wanting more time with him he was guarding my heart making sure he didn t take up too much space in my life for me to miss him if it didn t work out while i showered him with i love you for months without getting to hear it back when he said it i knew he meant it and our relationship moved forward pretty quickly after that we were engaged six months into dating and married three months after he proposed you see he knew that giving someone your time can mean just as much as giving someone your body making promises about tomorrow can feel just like a first kiss dreaming out loud about one day can steal the joy from this day it s no news that greg wasn t my first serious relationship either however he was my first serious relationship where we didn t jump ahead we saved up our promises and dreams for each other and that set the tone for how attached we got and how willing we were to hold back physically too there was a boy i loved very much in college we definitely got ahead of ourselves we would talk about what it would look like to make it through the four years of school together and getting married and we d very frankly tell each other that we thought the other person was the one we went all in with out the actual safety net of the real commitment and you know what happened i started to live in the one day and traded our boundaries for something that wasn t real let me be clear the word boundaries isn t just to mean physical pursuing wholeness is not just referring to staying abstinent what i mean is one of my last good memories in that relationship was when he was moving into a house on tenth street with the excitement of a home we started planning decorations and setting a drawer aside for me i even looked up bakeries in the area that were open 24 hours so that i could surprise him with french pastries and coffee in the morning while i was picking out wash cloths for the bathroom in my head he was thinking about how to tell me he had fallen out of love with me we had crossed the boundary of our commitment level he was my boyfriend not my husband or even my fiancé but i was planning and dreaming and living like we were more and i lost more than just him when it was over the life i was looking forward to that wasn t even real weekends at his place promises and kisses that should have been kept for the girl he s actually going to end up with i wonder if it would have been easier to move on from that relationship if we had treated each other like we belonged to somebody else until we could have promised ourselves to each other now i know what you re thinking jenna you don t know my story i ve been with this guys for three four five years or don t worry we live together it s forever maybe even he s saving to buy the ring though trust me i get it like i ve been in your shoes get it the thing is i was wrong and as important to me as that relationship will always be i wonder how sweet it would have been to have only been able to dream dreams about my future with greg i wonder how much more it would have meant if i had saved the sweetest words for him only not to mention how much easier it was to make excuses for pushing physical boundaries when we were constantly speaking make believes and hoped into reality it s kind of like when you are about to go on a vacation abroad you spend months saving money looking up flights and hotels planning an itinerary packing except that until you re actually there anything could change and keep you from going then you ve spent so much time throwing yourself into preparation for something that you thought was going to happen letting go of other responsibilities and friendships and you re left with a heavier disappointment of what could have been no what you should do is a step by step process you don t buy tickets to the louvre before you book the flight to paris it s the same when you re in love and you want to stay whole if you don t start planning your trip through wine country in france before you find a hotel then you won t plan your entire trip around that one neighborhood and if you don t start planning what patterned china you re going to have in your first home before you have a ring on your finger then you won t think twice about getting into his bed if you don t tell him he s the love of your life before you have actually started your life together as husband and wife then you ll feel uncomfortable spending the weekend away with him if you don t stay over at his house until the early morning hours then you won t get comfortable enough to play house with him you think it s okay to tell him all your dreams for the two of you but when he s saying everything you ve ever wanted to hear and you re nowhere near getting married he s going to take so many pieces of you that you start believing you re completely his more than that you ll start living that way too and that s how you miss wholeness so i won t tell you not give him your body because you ll only do that as a result of the promises you make and the time you spend start with the heart that s the thing that will break in your pursuit of being whole april 25 2019 uncategorized leave a comment an open letter to every person i ever loved am i different than you remember less than contradicting softer did you think i would be more do you recognize me in the photos i post do my words make you cringe can you believe we were ever close loved each other does the man i love now surprise you my dreams the way i live my life all of my tattoos me too what version of me did you get the girl who was going to go to the university of georgia for psychology the one who didn t know what she wanted to do the girl who was going to be the nurse and help kids overcome the biggest curveball imaginable did i want to be the writer in the loft with the four dogs was i the one running social media for a small start up telling the world how worth loving they were did you get the version that was too loud or too sad did i tell you about my dream wedding or did i not want to get married at all would you even recognize me now would you be disappointed if i m being honest in my most insecure moments i thumb through each version you could have known wanting to hide in the expectations put on some past self rather than the ones i look at now are you hiding too cause i ve got a list of all your wrongs and i ve been ready to spit off all your transgressions imagine your face when i remind you of all that you took from me what would you have to say instead i shrink behind those old expectations of yours i become a girl jumping through hoops all over again and it isn t until you ve walked away that i realize all i want to do is wrap my arms around your neck and tell you how sorry i am me i d be the one with the apologies in the safest world we would stand in the same room and it not be awkward our hearts not feel like magnets ripping our skin to take us back to the door out having a history wouldn t be so hateful so marking so final i would tell you how sorry i was for the way i loved you too much the way i pointed my finger at you for making me feel bad for it i would tell you i was sorry for the weight i always built on your shoulders to save me make me everything choose me i would apologize for the way i spoke brokenness over your character for the way you made me feel less than i used to think life was too short for boundaries that the risk of getting hurt was worth it it wasn t until now that i realized that maybe boundaries in my life are for the sake of the people i care about too i wish you could have known the beauty of my bridled not the burn of my bitter yes in a safer world we would stand in the same room and my hands wouldn t shake nor would you act like you had never known the words to all my favorite songs or why i loved them in a safer world i would tell you why i am different than how you remember me and i would tell you that the one single thing i m the most sorry for is that fact that i didn t talk with you more about jesus before i was always good at tidying up a guest room for him filling it with things to make him feel at home now he i...